


10 years - A Decade

by Fanningon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Multi, what happens after season 3?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-08 11:32:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 112,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4303224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanningon/pseuds/Fanningon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear emus,</p><p>This is a one shot, separate to my other fics, it takes place after the real/tv season 3 finished, it’s here to heal the rinn heartache (i hope you like and that it helps.)  Also; I haven’t watched season 3 yet, I’m just taking this from the spoilers I read.</p><p>ps: yes i will finish season 4 and the poly fic. i just needed a break from those stories for a bit, and i’m writing book one of elsa’s backstory - ‘Cell’ - check it out over at my alternative tumblr (fanningoff) - i’ve been told it doesn’t suck. rhys will make his appearance in book 2 at the age of 14, and the events of stamford will be explored in book 4.</p><p>Love you all! xo</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 10 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is Finn's POV
> 
> Please note: this is a one shot, separate to my other fics, it takes place after the real season 3 finished, it’s here to heal the rinn heartache. Also; I haven’t watched season 3 yet, I’m just taking this from the spoilers I read.
> 
> Love you all my emus! xo

[‘Truth’ by The Bloc Party](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1CSMdDIRGg)

It was the truth  
That fell from these lips  
It blinded us  
And then the darkness left

I am yours now  
Respectfully  
I am yours now  
Truthfully

It burnt the stain  
Left on my mind  
Our hearts they beat  
A quarter tone apart

I am yours now  
Respectfully  
Why cant I do it?  
You complete me

Our kind is hard, hard to find, to find  
And if it will be  
It will be with you

I am yours now  
Respectfully  
I am yours now  
Truthfully

 

_______

 

Finn stared at his face in the mirror and scrunched his nose at himself.  He was looking a bit the worse for wear this morning; he and Chop had had a bit of a big night last night.  He picked up his can of cheap shaving cream and yawned and grumbled to himself.  A woman walked into the bathroom and sat down to pee; he’d almost forgotten she was there.

“Hey.”  She said groggily.  “Did we fuck last night?” 

“Don’ remember.”  Finn answered as he smeared shaving cream on his face. 

“Wanna try again this morning?”  She asked.

“Yeah sure.”  Finn answered and wiped the shaving cream off his face as her hand reached out to grab his cock. 

“My name’s Mary by the way.”

“Nice to meet ya Mary.”  He groaned as she started to suck his cock. 

*

Now he was just beyond exhausted and he knew Archie would be waiting for him, annoyed at how he was always late.  He shaved his grizzly beard and complained to himself silently as what’s-her-name showered and sang happily.  He’d have to get her out of the apartment before Archie got here; he just wasn’t in the mood for the inquisition that always followed every time Archie saw another woman in his apartment.  And Archie always ended up coming over whenever he was late.

The phone rang and Finn walked out to the lounge room to get it.

“You running late?”  It was Archie.

“Nah, you got me out the shower.”  Finn answered.

“Look at the fucking time Finn.”  Archie said and Finn looked at the clock on the wall Archie had gotten him.  It was 11:30.  He was supposed to have met Archie at 11am. 

“Shit.”

“I’m coming over.”

“No, I’ll be there-” But Archie had hung up.  Finn groaned and went back to the bathroom. 

“Hey, you gotta go.  Me boyfriend’s coming over.”

“Boyfriend?”  She asked incredulously. 

“Would it get you out the place quicker if I said girlfriend?”  Finn asked and she gave him a very unimpressed look.

“Well fuck you.”  She answered and turned the water off. 

“Already have.”  Finn answered, “And it was great.  But I’m busy now.  And you were supposed to be gone hours ago.” 

*

Getting her out of the house had been surprisingly easy; he promised to give her a call.  He wouldn’t.  And he could tell that she didn’t really expect him to; she just hoped he would. 

He sat down at the massive computer Archie had made him get and turned it on.  He knew that if Archie wasn’t already here, he was deliberately taking his time so that Finn had time to get ready, so he had time. 

The only thing he used this stupid machine for was emails.  He checked it every day, religiously.

She didn’t write everyday, and it was never just to him anymore.  But she wrote at least twice a week.

“Takes fucking forever.”  He grumbled as the computer connected to the internet, the loud screeching beeping noises playing havoc with his grumpy mood. 

This morning there was a new email from her.  He felt that instant jolt of excitement mingled with regret that he always felt when he saw her name.  He hesitated.  He always hesitated now.

Last year, just before she’d stopped writing to him directly she’d told them she had a new boyfriend.  He was gorgeous and kind and liked music and was great in the sack.  When they’d broken up 3 months later, Finn hadn’t given her a whole lot of sympathy, and the emai

 

 

 

When pierre argues with cris, don’t forget to mention tutsi rebel army

 

 

Pier and rae meet up when both single. Rae asks him about therapy. He says going well, dreams are lessening, but….. she sais but uyou’re still not ready. He says I so with I was, you have no idea hwo much I’ve missed you, how I ache for you. louis says that this tragedy has taken more than the leife we had from us, t has take n our future lives as well.

 

 

 

ls to him had just sort of dried up.  He just couldn’t lie to her.  He was glad that she was single again.  He knew he had to stop that.

Now he was always worried that he’d read that she had another new boyfriend, a fiancé, a husband, who fucking knew.  He wanted her to be happy, but he struggled to read about it when that happiness was with someone else. 

He liked it when she was happy and single.  That was best.  Well, not best, but the best he could hope for. 

He relented and opened up the email.

 _Hey Gang!  
_ Finn could see it was addressed to Chop, Izzy, Archie, Danny, Chloe and himself. 

_I graduate next week!  I’m heading back to Stamford for a few weeks before I figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life!_

Finn pursed his lips slightly.  As he read her words.

_Fuck, that sounds serious and grown up don’t it?_

_This of course means that it’s time to head to The Swan!_

He couldn’t help but grin.

_You all better be there!  Next Saturday, not this one.  Can’t wait to catch up proper like._

_Love you all!!_

_Rae xo_

There was a knock on the door and he shut off the machine quickly; he never knew why he felt ashamed when people like Archie or Chloe knew he was reading her emails and smiling, but he hid it from them. 

He let Archie in and was given a rough hug and a disapproving glare. 

“I can still smell the alcohol on your breath.”  Archie clucked.

“I don’t got work today.”  Finn sniffed and lit up a cigarette.  “So me and Chop had a bit o’ fun last night.” 

“Well I hope you’re not all partied out.”  Archie answered, “You free next Saturday?”

“This Saturday?  Nah, I got that thing for Reg at work, I told-”

“No next Saturday.”  Archie cut him off.  “Have you checked your emails lately?”

“Nah, can’t be fucked.”  Finn said with a lazy shrug. 

“Well Rae’s gonna be back in town and we’re all going out to the Swan.”  Archie eyed him closely, looking for any sign from Finn.  Anything at all.  But Finn just stared blankly at him.

“Oh right.”  He said emotionlessly.  “Well I guess we’ll be getting messy then!”  He cracked into a huge smile and Archie couldn’t help but be happy too.

“Getting the gang back together!”  Archie declared exuberantly.  It was only the sixth time Rae had been back to Stamford.  With her mother still in Tunisia, there was no one in Stamford to nag her to visit more often; the gang were all busy too.  But they wrote often, and that had had to be enough.

*

Finn sat, staring at his television set, for what seemed like forever, before he finally got up and turned it on.  He sat, with his microwave meal, staring at the tv, not really seeing what was on it, the light fading around him.  He didn’t get up and put the light on. 

It was starting to worry him how many evenings he spent like this. 

He got up, determined to do something different. 

He looked around his apartment.  It felt so empty.

Finn sat down at the computer, still on from checking it this morning; there’d been an email from Chloe this morning, detailing what time they’d all be meeting up in a few days time.  They were getting food at the chippy first. 

He looked down his list of emails.  He selected a few of them and hovered the mouse over the ‘delete’ button. 

He never did delete them. 

*

Finn looked in the mirror and wondered if he should shave that bit of grizzle on his chin.  He had barely slept last night and he looked like it. 

He lit up a cigarette and went to the toilet to piss.  He stared at the wall.  His mind utterly blank.  He barely registered the wish that his brain could have shut up last night; last night it had raced, and he had tossed and turned, unable to have a moment of peace and silence… no sleep.  But now he could practically see the tumbleweeds rolling across the vast emptiness of his mind. 

But his stomach was rumbling and fluttering and his heart seemed to be skipping every second beat.  He took a few deep breaths, flushed the toilet and looked back in the mirror. 

He got in the shower, deciding to leave the stubble, it made him feel like he was a different person than that 19 year old knob-head he’d once been.

Lunch time came around and Finn decided it would be better to get out of the house than stay in this empty apartment waiting until tonight.    
As soon as he walked into the Thai place he turned around to walk out.

“Hey!”  When he heard her voice he froze and turned around.

“Hi Katie.”  He said reluctantly.  He regretted that they’d fucked a couple of times over the past 3 years. 

“I’m back in town for a bit.”  Her voice was filled with promising suggestion and Finn knew he’d end up fucking her again if she hit on him; he hadn’t turned down any really forward girls over the past three years.  It’d been nice. 

But Katie was complicated. 

Katie was very complicated. 

“Great, we’ll catch up later.”  He answered hurriedly, “I just realised I forgot me wallet.”

“I can pay.”  She said with a grin, “Put in an order.”

”Alright, but you know I’m more expensive than a meal yeah?”  He joked.

“Not in my experience.”  She returned with a laugh. 

He was late again, pulling his shirt on as he ran out of her place. 

He was always late.

When he got there, the first thing he saw was her, laughing with Chloe.  They were standing at the table, putting the food down.  She was wearing a black flared skirt and a fitted, red, halter-neck shirt that showed a little bit of cleavage and a lot of bare back.  Her hair fell in lose curls down her back, a stylish silver hairpin pulling it out of her face.  Her body was exactly the same as it had always been, but there was something different about her that Finn couldn’t put his finger on.  He’d been noticing it more and more each time he saw her. 

Finn only noticed that he’d stopped breathing when he had to gasp in some air.  He tried to cover his gasp by coughing and that just made them all look up at him. 

“About time.”  Archie said thoroughly unimpressed. 

“Yeah sorry, I had something… come up.”  It wasn’t entirely untrue, his cock had ‘come up’ Katie’s clacker not 30 minutes ago.  He felt his stomach drop when he thought about that.  His stomach always dropped when he thought about Katie in any way, but especially now, when he was in Rae’s presence, and she was looking at him. 

“Alright Finn.”  Rae said.

“Yeah alright.”  He answered and lit up a cigarette.  The lady behind the counter gave him a dirty look, but no one told him to put it out, so he kept smoking. 

“Got ya a nice bit o’ fish.”  Chop said and tossed the bag of fish and chips up the table as Finn walked towards them.  Rae sat at the other end of the table next to Chloe and Danny.  He sat down, Archie beside him, Izzy on the other side, Chop next to her.  There was a moment of silence as everyone opened up the food. 

And then the conversations broke out, loud and natural, like they’d never been apart.  After the typical jokes and music references, and gossip about what was happening in Stamford, the conversation turned to what they had been doing since they’d last seen Rae and what they were planning to do.  It turned out that Rae wasn’t going to be in Stamford for the next few weeks.  She only had three days here because Chloe had surprised her with tickets for Tunisia for the two of them.  Rae’s excited tone of voice left Finn with no doubt about how happy Chloe’s gift had made Rae.  After two weeks in Tunisia, they were off to Morocco and Egypt.  Archie was very jealous but Finn had no desire to ever leave Stamford.  He stared moodily at his drink while they nattered on happily about what they were going to do. 

After they finished their meals at the chippy, it was off to the Swan.  Finn was beginning to think they wouldn’t have a conversation at all.  They’d been at the Swan for hours before she suddenly sat next to him after having gone to the bathroom. 

“Finlay, what have you been up to?”  She asked merrily.  He could tell she wasn’t drunk; he knew what that looked like, but she was a little tipsy. 

“Nothing.”  He answered gruffly. 

“Nothing?”  She asked with an amused expression.

“Just work.”  He said, “We’re not all as exciting as you.”  He immediately regretted that but she laughed it off.  Finn’s eyebrows furrowed.  He didn’t understand this Rae; but then he’d never understood Rae.  He’d tried and failed. 

“Looks like the only thing that’s changed about you is your beard.”  She said and ran her fingers along his jaw, testing the prickliness of his stubble.  He felt like her fingertips were filled with electricity; he’d missed this feeling.  The feeling of being touched by a woman who seemed to be made of pure magic.  He thought he felt a parallel jolt of electricity in her, but he couldn’t be sure.  He used to know how to read her body, to read her desire and arousal.  But that wasn’t his anymore; knowledge of Rae didn’t belong to him.  It hadn’t for three years. 

He nursed a beer while everyone talked and joked around him.

“Not much of a drinker anymore?”  She asked him.

“Sometimes.”  He answered; he wasn’t drinking much tonight because he didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of her. 

“Getting old.”  She joked. 

“Oh aye, ancient.”  He laughed.

“Wanna get out o’ here.”  She said softly.  Finn could barely believe his ears. 

“You what girl?”

“I wanna see your apartment.”  She answered with a sweet innocent smile, but a look of absolute sin in her eyes. 

“Alright.”  All of a sudden Finn’s mouth was dry, his hands trembling, the butterflies in his stomach that had just managed to settle were alight and threatening to force their way up his throat.  She was coming back to his place… the place that was supposed to have been their place.

Slipping away from the pub had been met with the expected round of jeering from some and attempts at politely not noticing from the best friends. 

The walk from the pub was filled with stilted conversation and pleasantries; nothing like how they used to talk.  It was awkward and unsure.  Finn wondered what on earth they were going to talk about when they got to his flat. 

As soon as Finn closed the door behind them she was kissing him.  This was not what he had expected at all.  This was not entirely like the Rae he had dated. 

But university had changed her.  Having to do it alone had changed her.  He might not be as smart as her, but he was smart enough to see that right from the first moment he’d seen her tonight.  He’d been feeling the change grow in her every time he’d seen her over the years.  All six times.  Not nearly enough. 

Finn didn’t know what to do with himself, or her, other than follow her lead completely; an entirely new thing for their relationship.  In the past, neither of them had been so firmly in control as Rae was now.  Finn had gently led, not really meaning to, but it had just naturally fallen into that pattern because he was older and more experienced. 

Now she was pushing him towards the lounge suite and he was going, their lips pressed together, his feet trying to pick their way amongst the clothes he’d left on the floor this morning.  She pushed him onto the lounge and he thudded down, looking up at her, a predatory, lustful look in her eyes, as she hitched up her skirt, slipped her knickers down and straddled him. 

Finn could think of nothing to do but enjoy her deep insistent kisses, his hands limp and useless at his sides as she rocked in his lap, her hands on his face, holding him in place.  He liked her in control like this. 

“Finn!”  She said angrily.

“What?”

“Have you in fact been bitten by a paralysis tick lately?”  She asked pointedly.

“Paralysis tick?  What?”  He was completely bewildered.

“Yes or no?”

“No…?”  He answered, unsure.

“Then use your fucking hands lad!”  She snapped.  His hands instantly went to her thighs, an apologetic laugh on his lips that was smothered by her kisses. 

Finn’s fingers found their way under her skirt, his heart once again skipping a beat as he felt that silky smooth skin of hers, and then the first bump of her self-harm scars.  Everything about her was so familiar to him, but also so new and unknown.  She undid his fly, something she had done hundreds of times over the months and months they’d dated, but it sent shivers of nerves and excitement through his whole body.  She’d never unzipped his fly like this before. 

Everything was different about her, while she was still so quintessentially Rae.  It felt so strange to him, a kind of dissonance kept hitting his mind as she moved on top of him. 

In the past she’d only gone on top like this a few times.  Because even though she was working on her self-image and was learning to love herself, she never quite got there, and she got self conscious of him looking at her. 

In the past she had taken his cock out of his pants like she was apologising to him.  He’d never realised that until she pulled it out now like she was honouring him with her touch.  He suddenly realised that she didn’t think he was the hottest person alive anymore.  She didn’t think he was an 11 and she was a 4.  Not anymore. 

She slipped his cock into her and Finn again was hit with the difference between old Rae and new Rae.  Old Rae had enjoyed sex a lot because he was so attractive and she could barely believe her luck.  New Rae just enjoyed sex because it felt good.  And it wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to him; she clearly was.  It was just that everything wasn’t happening with a sense of awe in her.  It was happening as if she expected it to; of course it would, of course Finn would be single and would fuck her.  Why wouldn’t he?

Finn groaned deeply as she got a good deep grinding rhythm going and in the same motioned pulled her shirt up over her head, her braless breasts popping out of her top lusciously.  He didn’t need prompting to get his hands on those beauties.  He’d missed her glorious curves so much and his mouth was on her breasts when she pulled up her skirt over her head, catching his face, but he didn’t care and dove back in instantly. 

Rae put a hand on the lounge beside his head and rode him.  Finn understood that she was riding him for her pleasure and was more than happy to simply enjoy the show, groaning deeply, desperately trying to keep it together.  He was so close to murmuring how much he loved her, how much he’d missed her… how much he wanted her back.  How his whole life hadn’t been the same without her. 

And she was coming, her voice pitching higher as she whimpered, groaned and then the load moans kicked in. 

Oh god he’d missed her.

Her pussy clenched around his cock and he grabbed her hips, trying to stop himself from coming already.  He should have been able to hold on longer, especially since he’d already had sex that day.  But confident Rae completely undid him and he was coming loudly, his fingers digging into her creamy skin, a string of expletives streaming from his mouth. 

She laughed and kissed him as he cursed himself silently for coming so quickly.  She’d always had that effect on him. 

He looked down and noticed that he was still completely dressed and she was completely naked.  In the past she’d always wanted him to be completely naked so she could revel in his body, his hotness, his attractiveness. 

This time she had gifted him with the chance to revel in her.  He felt like he hadn’t gotten enough time to really enjoy that opportunity.

They showered together, talking like old times, but she knew so much more and her head was filled with things from the world outside of the small enclosure he’d made for himself in Stamford.  But he noticed that she never talked about herself.  It bothered him; he used to know almost everything about her, at least he thought he did.  He thought she had once told him all about herself.  But now he could not fool himself into thinking she was telling him anything about her.  It made him wonder if she’d always talked like this, speaking so many words, but not saying anything.

And then she was gone.  Her clothes back on, her excuses about staying at Chloe’s house made, the smell of her lingering in his apartment. 

*

“I’m just saying, if I have to hear where’s the fucking luv one more fucking time I’m prob’ly gonna have to kill someone.”  Finn pulled out the nicotine gum and stared at it with a dejected, unimpressed expression.  Chop gave him a sympathetic nod.

“If I did it, you can fucking do it lad.”

“You only did it cos Izzy won’t let ya no more.”  Finn noted.  “When’s she due?” 

“Still three months.”  Chop answered as he grabbed a wrench from his tool box.  The song by the Blackeyed Peas finally finished and Finn looked at the radio gratefully as he shoved the gum into his mouth.  In 5 minutes the radio host would change, and then his weekday daily torture would begin. 

“Heyup England, I’m about to sign out but the always lovely Rae Earl will be taking you home this afternoon.  See you all tomorrow.”  The radio presenter said chirpily.

“She take me home anytime she wants.”  Finn mumbled to himself.

“What’s that?”  Chop asked about Finn shook his head.

“Nothing mate.”  Finn continued to look at the radio, scrunching his nose up at the song that the presenter chose to play himself out on: ‘Mandy’ by Westlife. 

“You gonna fucking work or stand around waiting for Raemundo to get on the radio?”  Chop snapped.

“Aye!”  Finn answered testily and started to work on the car.  He started to laugh when he heard ‘I believe in a thing called love’ by The Darkness start to play.

“Classic Rae.’  Chop agreed with Finn’s chuckle.

“Alright everyone?”  Her voice was perfect, coming in over the very end of the song.  “I’ve been having a very nostalgic day today cos I been going through all me old things… looking at photos and letters and that kind of thing.”  Finn again stopped working and looked at the radio.  “So this song’s for you, I haven’t seen ya in three years, but this song will always be ours… it was supposed to be both of us doing this job together.”  She said softly, and then ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis began to play.  Finn’s eyes dropped and he sat on the car, Chop giving him a truly pissed off look.  He hadn’t seen her since the one night stand they’d had before her and Chloe headed to Tunisia.  But she had started sporadically emailing him again. 

There had been another boyfriend; this one had lasted a whole year.  And he and Katie had almost become an item for a few months.  But she moved to London and he just kept plodding along. 

Archie had gone to visit her in London.

Chop and Izzy had gone to visit her in London.

Danny had gone to visit her in London.

Archie went again, this time with his new boyfriend…

But Finn had never gone to visit her. 

*

_Hey Gang!_

_I’m heading back to Stamford in 3 weeks time, just in time to become an aunt I think!! (Izzy I am too excited)_

_I’m hoping to visit more often now that Chloe’s moved back there and I have a place to stay for free! ;)_

_Looking forward to hearing about everything that’s going on with you all since I last saw you all._

_Love loads and loads_

_Rae_

_xo_

*

“I thought Archer was gonna pick me up?”  Rae looked into the car and Finn gave her a grim expression.

“Simon and him are having a row.”  He explained, “Again.”  He added under his breath.  “But we can grab some lunch and stuff.  I know you was gonna hang out with Arch until Chlo got off work.” 

“Alright.”  Rae answered.  “Still in the same apartment?”

“Aye.”  Finn answered.  “Prob’ly never move.” 

“I’m thinking of moving to Australia.”  Rae answered.

“Why’s that?”  He tried to fight back the panic.

“I went there last year on holidays and it was fucking brilliant.”  Rae answered.  He nodded and tried not to stare at her out of the corner of his eyes.  She looked amazing again.  He noticed a few people give her a bit of an appreciative look as she stuffed her suitcase in his backseat, holding a hand up to him when he tried to help. 

“Where d’you wanna go for lunch?”

“Just your place.”  Rae answered politely.  “Keep it cheap.” 

They were kissing before he’d even unlocked the front door.  They stumbled in; this time Finn was far more ready for her leading him and when she pushed him back towards the lounge, he went readily, kissing her and undressing along the way. 

Rae pulled her blue dress off in one motion, her black lacy underwear making Finn sigh in appreciation; he could see her nipples and pubic hair through them.  Finn collapsed onto the lounge when she pushed him down and watched her slowly, seductively remove her underwear, her eyes on his face the whole time. 

It was so sexy, how confident she was, how she never lowered her eyes in embarrassment.  He’d never been turned on more by anything, not even that time he’d managed to get two girls to come back to his place. 

As soon as she was naked, she climbed onto his lap again and rode him to a beautiful orgasm, but this time Finn held on; he knew what to expect more now, and he had mentally prepared for it as they had been kissing. 

He tapped her arse gently when she had finished coming to tell her he wanted to do another position, the way he used to when they’d been together.  And she slid off his lap so sinuously Finn groaned; the visuals she was giving him were going to stay with him for a lifetime.

And she licked the tip of his cock.  The noise Finn made was something between a whimper and a groan.  He’d never had a blowjob the way Rae gave them; she seemed to revel in figuring out what he liked, she used her mouth like a fine musician, a master artist, a… his mind stopped as she really started to get down to business.

“Oh Jesus…”  Finn moaned; Rae had learned some new tricks.  Her fingers slid behind his balls, between his thighs and pressed into his perineum, the pressure making his cock throb delightfully.  She swirled her tongue around the head of his cock every time her mouth came up his shaft, and then plunged it as deep into her mouth as she could, one hand pressing into his perineum and squeezing his balls gently, the other hand stroking the base of his cock in rhythm with her mouth.  It was quite impressive how fast she could do this combination of movements.  His breathing became ragged and breathy, filled with barely articulated expletives murmured under his breath.  His eyes stayed on her face, her lips around his cock, her eyes on his face. 

All too soon Finn felt his orgasm coming on and he gently stopped her.

“Let me get up in that cunt, girl.”  He whispered to her and Rae laughed and laid down on the lounge, spreading her legs for him.

As always, her smell and taste was utterly intoxicating and Finn had to remind himself to not be too eager and to remember all the techniques he’d learned to use on her.  He licked along her labia, his fingers caressing just below her vaginal opening, teasing her; he knew she liked to be fingered while he ate her.  He used the flat of his tongue to give her a long semi-hard lick and her fingers gripped his hair firmly.

“Oh fuck.”  She groaned happily and Finn felt that familiar ache in his balls that her pleasure gave him.  He licked her clit for several minutes before sucking it gently between his lips, rolling it slightly and flicking the tip of his tongue on the tip, occasionally probing under her clit hood, making her legs jolt and her groans get loader.  He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, finally, and her groans became even more urgent.  Curling his fingers slightly inside of her, he moved his fingers in a circular motion over the areas inside of her that he knew were sensitive.  His other hand travelled up her stomach to her breasts to squeeze her nipples fairly tightly; this always made her pussy wetter. 

And that much about her hadn’t changed.

It was all too soon that he felt her thighs begin to quiver and close in around his head, her groans high and loud.  He loved the way her body jolted in orgasm

He wanted to climb on top of her and stare into her eyes, make love to her, tell her that-

But she was on all fours and Finn just couldn’t resist fucking her from behind; he loved feeling his pelvis and balls slapping against her.  If he was feeling dirty, he’d slap that arse a little too… and he most certainly was feeling a little dirty now that he saw her bent over in front of him. 

Finn fucked Rae hard and fast, smacking her arse several times, fairly hard, each time met with a resounding yell of ‘yes!’ from her. 

He desperately tried not to cum when he heard her cries of orgasm; he wanted to make love to her, face to face.

He had possibly the most spectacular orgasm he’d ever had. 

He barely had chance to be disappointed that he hadn’t managed to hold out and get what he wanted, before they collapsed together on the floor in his lounge room, laughing and panting. 

They laid together for a few moments before she sat up.

“Better clean up and get some lunch.”  She said breezily.  Finn followed her into the bathroom feeling exasperated that she wasn’t more affected by this; she was already chatting away about her time in London, her job as a radio DJ, about her first book that might be getting published…

“I’ve missed you so much Rae.”  The words just leapt out of him without any intent on his behalf; he just couldn’t help it.

“Don’t do this.”  She said softly, her eyes lowered for the first time during this whole encounter.

“Don’t do what?”  He was suddenly angry.  “The last two times we seen each other, there’s been like fucking magic between us and I-”

“This isn’t magic!”  She said as she flashed her eyes at him angrily, “This is fucking.  Don’t turn it into something it’s not.”

“This isn’t you Rae.”  He whispered.

“How would you know what’s me?”  She snapped, “You basically abandoned me and our relationship when I got into university.  You couldn’t have it your way so you went after Katie, who was supposed to be my friend!” 

“That’s not-”

“You didn’t even try to suggest a long distance relationship.  You didn’t even fight for me… for us… you just… you let us go… so don’t you dare try and do this now Finn Nelson, don’t you dare.”  There were angry tears in her eyes, “I’ve spent the last 6 years of my life building myself up.  By myself.  You weren’t there for me, you weren’t part of it… you don’t get to walk back into my life now and say you miss me… say we’re magic.”

“I love you Rae…”  He didn’t know what else to say.

“Fuck you!”  She spat angrily at him.  She grabbed her clothes and headed to the door.

“Rae don’t…”  He went after her.  “You’re not even dressed!”  But she was putting her dress on, shoving her underwear into her handbag.

“I’ll get Archie to come get my suitcase, yeah?”  She said as she yanked his door open.  It was slammed shut before he’d had chance to reply. 

*

“I thought you quit.”  Archie said as he walked up to the hospital.  Finn drew heavily on his cigarette.

“Yeah well it’s been a fucked up week.”  Finn mumbled grumpily.  Archie pursed his lips, wondering if he should push Finn.  Rae had already told him and Chloe a fair bit of what had happened, but he knew she was withholding some of it.  “It’s her 12th hour of labour.”  Finn changed the topic. 

“Christ.”  Archie marvelled.  “How the fuck do women do it?” 

“No fucking clue.”  Finn answered, “But you should see Chop.”  He started to chuckle, “He’s fucking bricking it!”  They shared a good laugh and Finn started to feel a little better.

But the nagging sensation that he’d fucked his whole life up when he’d been 19 and heartbroken, when he’d acted in a moment of painful impulse, wouldn’t leave him.

*

“He’s real nice.”  Finn said awkwardly and handed the squirming baby back to Izzy.  “Got a name yet?”

“Not yet.”  She gave Chop an unimpressed look.  “”He keeps coming up with joke names.”

“I wasn’t joking when I said Reginald.”  Chop answered.  Izzy handed their baby to Rae and Finn watched her coo and smile at the newborn.  He felt a sharp pain in his chest and looked away, swallowing back his regrets.

*

“Is she coming to Reg’s 1st birthday?”  Finn tried to sound casual but Chloe gave him a knowing look.  Archie sighed silently; he knew that all roads led back to Rae when it came to Finn.  Even when they were supposed to be comforting him over his monumental break up with Simon.

“I think so.”  Chloe answered in a slightly guarded tone.  Archie and Chloe exchanged a look; it had been 7 years since Rae had left for university, and Finn was still caught up in her.

“Why do ya care?”  Archie asked.

“She’s our friend.”  Finn answered and popped some gum in his mouth; he was back to quitting smoking.  “Why wouldn’t I care?”

“Maybe it’s time to let her go Finn.”  Chloe said gently. 

“It’s not like that.”  Finn answered, slightly defensively.  “Why-?”

“You’re the one that left her.”  Chloe answered. 

“Aye, everyone’s always quick to blame me!”  Finn snapped, “None o’ ya stop an’ think how I did her a fuckin’ favour.  I let her go.  She went where she had to go… and I didn’t put up a fight… cos it were better for her that way.” 

“Is that what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better that you cheated on her?”  Chloe said, “Oh I was a huge jerk so she’d go and get her education, look at me making the big sacrifices.  Now she’ll obviously wanna just come back and get with me!” 

“That’s not what I’m saying!  And she don’t want me anyway!”  Finn retorted angrily.  And then he stopped, all of his emotions catching up with him.  “Why don’t she want me?  She used to want me…”  Archie heard the pain in Finn’s voice and leaned across the table towards him,  “I mean, I haven’t changed or nothing…” He said this like it was a good thing.

“Exactly.”  Chloe said, “You’re a 25 year old knob-head, just like you were a 19 year old knob-head.”  Chloe answered brutally.  “Instead of asking why doesn’t she want you, ask why would she?  What have you got to offer her?  Other than your hotness?”  Chloe could see that this hurt him, but she pushed on, “I think you know that she’s not the same Rae that used to think that you’re better than her.  So how are you anything different than the guy that cheated on her and abandoned his mentally ill girlfriend of 2 years to the big bad world, because that was supposedly gonna be easier for her?”  Chloe said, “Don’t you think she considered that you’d done it deliberately to make her go and take the opportunity.  Don’t you think she sees that type o’ thinking for exactly what it is?  Utter bullshit.  You fucked up Finn.  7 years ago you fucked up.  And you’ve done nothing about it since then.  Not a damn thing!”  Chloe’s voice was filled with indignation and rage on behalf of her best friend.

“What am I s’posed to do about it?”  Finn yelled back.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  And stop treating her like she should just come back to ya… you’re not entitled to her just cos you used to have her.” 

“Maybe take some time to get to know yourself, rather than just wait around for her to come back.”  Archie said gently.

*

Once again Finn found himself staring at his television, the darkness of the evening encroaching on the room.  Chloe’s words kept tumbling around in his head.

But this time when he got up he sat down at the computer and started to search the internet; he didn’t know what he was searching for, but he knew he’d know it when he saw it.

*

It was blazingly hot, the air felt thick and wet and the traffic crept to a standstill as heavy thunderclouds gathered in the horizon.

“God this is exciting.”  Archie said as he looked out the window. 

Finn had decided to bring his best friend with him on his overseas odyssey.  When he’d seen the three month guided tour of several countries in Africa, he had bought two tickets on impulse.  He didn’t think he’d ‘find himself’ in Africa, but he did think he’d expand his horizons and learn more about the world. 

And maybe once he’d done that, he could finally figure his own shit out.

*

His apartment smelled stale and Finn dropped his suitcase and realised his whole life had been stale; he had to find a new apartment. 

And maybe it was time to move away from Stamford all together.

*

He’d only been with Bianca 6 months and he already knew he had deep feelings for her. 

She was a short, blonde woman, 3 years older than him, that he’d met on his first day in London. 

When he’d told Archie just over 6 months ago that he wanted to move, Archie had told him that he wanted to move to London to pursue archaeology.  So Finn had found work and an apartment, and Archie and he had moved in together.  Archie found work at the British museum and was studying part time, and even Finn was thinking of picking up studying something.

Meeting Bianca had been an unexpected and wonderful surprise.  She was the kind of woman that demanded respect and time and thought.  She was the kind of woman that turned boys into men because she took no shit from boys, leaving them with two options, stay a single boy, or learn to grow into a man. 

She’d also made him wait for three months to have sex.  It had taught him patience and an inner calmness he hadn’t realised he’d been missing.

She was the first real relationship Finn had been in since Rae…

So it was with real surprise that Archie sat at their kitchen table and tried to pretend he wasn’t watching Bianca and Finn break up.  It was all so cordial and respectful, that Archie couldn’t tell who was doing the breaking up. 

“Bye Archie!”  Bianca trilled as she went to the door, “See ya round Finn.”  She said and he gave her a kiss on the cheek before closing the door behind her.  Archie stared at Finn in silence as he sat down at his computer, set up on the kitchen table, and started to browse the internet.

“What do ya wanna do for New Year’s?”  Finn asked, “2005… Fuck time fucking flies.  It’ll be Reg’s second birthday soon.”  He grinned at Archie.

“I thought…”  Archie pointed at the door, “I thought you two was getting on right proper…?”

“We was.”  Finn agreed and kept searching online for New Year’s plans. 

“So…?”  Archie as confused.

“Oh.”  Finn realised Archie needed an explanation, “We both just realised that we were at that place in our relationship where it was time to get serious.”  Finn said, “Cos neither of us just want a casual thing.  We’re both looking for love.  For the real thing.”  He looked up at Archie, “And we both knew that this wasn’t the real thing.”  He pulled a face, “Gave it 6 months, really enjoyed being with her.  Care about her deeply…”  Finn looked back down at his computer monitor, “But she is not the one.”

“Finn you know-”

“We re not-”

“It’s probably never-”

“Having this fucking-”

“Gonna happen!”

“Conversation again Archie!”

They spoke over each other. 

There was a sharp silence following their mini-argument as they both glared at each other.

“Rae is-”  Archie began.

“Archie.”  Finn stopped him talking in a warning tone.  Archie could tell that Finn wasn’t going to let him have this conversation, so he decided to change his tactics. 

“Why did you even get with Katie anyway?”  Archie asked, still perplexed by his best mate’s actions.

“You know, after me and Rae first broke up, I went with Olivia… then the second time it was Katie… it would’ve kept happening… cos…”  Finn thought for a moment, “When Rae rejects me, it makes me feel like I don’t deserve love… cos… cos she’s everything.”

“She _was_ everything.”  Archie corrected but Finn shook his head. 

“She’ll always be everything.”

“But you were getting real close with Bianca.”  Archie said, confused.

“Which was a real fucking shame.  Cos I really liked her, I cared about her quite a bit… but…” He shook his head.  “It’s always gonna be Rae.  And I don’t get to be with her.”  Finn said, “And I get why, I get how I fucked up, and continued to fuck up.  How I wasn’t ready and wanted it to be easy, so I let her go.  I was tired, Archie.  I love her so much, but there was always something.”  He said like he was confessing something terrible.  “I shouldn’t say that.”

“Yes you should.”  Archie said warmly, finally getting into Finn’s head and heart on the topic gave him hope that he could finally help him get over Rae, “Rae’s me other best mate, but I know how hard it could sometimes be with her.  Just because we were all more than willing to help her and support her, it don’t mean that we were ready for it, or that it weren’t exhausting sometimes, or that we even knew what we was doing.  None o’ that means we love her any less.”  Archie said, “Supporting people with mental illness is hard work.  We should’ve been talking to each other about it.  Maybe I could’ve helped you through it and-”

“Don’t think things could’ve ever been different Arch.  She outgrew me.”  He said with a sad smile.  “It wasn’t just how hard her mental illness was.  It was that I was holding her back.  And on some level, I knew it.  So I let her go.  Cos it were easier than dragging myself up and through all my shit… I didn’t know how to do that.”  He understood how many ways he’d failed them both, “I told her I was 19 year old knob-head like all the others… I should’ve told her I was a fucking lazy 19 year old knob-head.”  He shook his head.  “And it took me this long to realise just how fucked up I was to tell her I still loved her.  To put my feelings on her when I was so dishonest with her and myself before.  I was often upset that she never fully opened up to me.  But Arch, I never made myself into someone she could open up to.”

“I think it was always such a mess with both of you, cos you were both so similar in some ways.”  Archie mused.  “She wasn’t exactly the most open of girls back then.” 

“No.”  Finn agreed.

“And she didn’t exactly work her arse off to be the kinda girl you could open up to, now did she?”  Finn furrowed his brows in thought, “I don’t think it’s helpful to only blame ourselves for something that took two people.  I don’t think it helps either of you to only blame yourself or to deny Rae’s flaws, or her part in the snap in your relationship.  You might’ve known she had problems, but it didn’t stop you idealising and idolising her, instead of seeing her as a person.  I don’t think it was just you up there on that pedestal Finn.”

*

A warm smile came to his lips the minute he saw her.  She was holding Reginald on her hip, laughing and talking to him.  It had been a year since he’d seen her.  A year since he’d seen her at Reg’s first birthday and they hadn’t said a word to each other, even though it had been a year since he’d told her he still loved her.  A year in which he’d spent three months in Africa, moved to London with Archie and had a girlfriend for 6 months. 

It felt like it had been a lifetime.

He had seen her just 9 times in the last 8 years.

6 times in the three years she was in university.  Then they’d fucked and she’d gone off to Tunisia.

Then three years passed before he saw her again, and they’d fucked and he’d told her he still loved her…

Then he’d seen her a year later at Reg’s first birthday.

And now today, another year had passed, and there she was.

She was like finding your favourite tv show on when you were snuggled up on the lounge and there was a thunderstorm raging outside.

Like reading your favourite book on the beach.

Like taking your favourite jumper out of the dryer.

She was like…

Like home.

She was his favourite person. 

A happy smile crept across his face as he watched her.  He made up his mind to go over and try to apologise for before and ask if they could restart their friendship. 

And then a tall man came up behind her and put a hand on her hip.  And the beautiful smile of hers that used to be for him was lavished upon this tall man. 

Finn felt a sharp stab of pain in his heart as he watched them talking.  Their conversation was so easy, and from the way they both laughed, they were both funny, and oh so comfortable with each other.

He took a deep breath and tried to count backwards from ten; Bianca had taught him to do this, to try to let his thoughts catch up with his emotions.

He was happy for her.

Devastated for himself.

But she looked so happy.  And really, all he wanted for her was for her to be happy.

He so wished that could be with him.  But as he watched them talk, he finally began to understand that it would not be.  It would never be him. 

He went over to Chop, cooking food on a barbecue and trying not to swear at everyone messing up his tiny bit of backyard.  Finn felt utterly bereft.  But it felt like he was finally clean, finally rid of that lingering hope that he could ever have Rae again. 

8 years after they had broken up, Finn Nelson was finally ready to accept it. 

And he was desperately going to try to not start smoking again just because his heart was ripped in two.  At least he could heal now.  The wound was open and bleeding, but he’d finally gotten the sting out; he knew it was truly over. 

It was the first time he’d seen her with another man.  He’d read about it in her emails, but he’d never seen it.  He guessed he’d never been able to believe that any other guy could make her as happy as he could.  But now he could see it wasn’t true; she was so happy.

Not much had changed with the gang over the year. 

Danny had had a few dalliances into the world of romance, and had come out as bisexual, which was the worst kept secret this century. 

Archie had had two very torrid love affairs but had remained stubbornly single, saying that Simon had taught him that all men were scum.  Except for his new ‘friend’ he’d just met who seemed very nice.

Chloe had a very large ring on her finger, and Finn was wondering where the guy was that had given her that ring.

Izzy had put on a little bit of weight, and everyone in the gang was silently thinking it but no one said it; she was probably pregnant again.

Chop was beginning to bald early and he was right pissed off about it.  So of course everyone was rubbing his head for good luck and to shine it up.

And Rae.  Well she was so happy.  And she had a man that put that smile on her face.

Finn didn’t know it, but he had changed too.  He carried himself differently, his clothes were better kept, his hair properly groomed, and he smiled a little more; he was obviously happier within himself than he had been in possibly his whole life.

There were a bunch of other children with their parents there too, and in between the kids screaming and the new people to meet, one of them a very lovely single mother who had taken quite an interest in him, Finn hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to anyone in the gang.  But Helen had given him her phone number and told him that her son, Peter, was with his father next weekend.  Finn made no promises, but knew he had to start dating for real.  He had a feeling from the way Helen had handed him the piece of paper with her number, that she didn’t really want to date though…  Still it had been a few months since he’d had sex, so maybe he’d give her a call.  Make the long drive to Stamford for yet another one night stand.

But he knew he wouldn’t call her.  Since Bianca, he’d really only been interested in finding himself a woman to marry.  And today, he’d finally accepted it wouldn’t be Rae. 

A few hours later, after having only said a few awkward words to Rae, he found himself outside, wondering if he should head to the shops to buys some cigarettes.  He heard a laugh and then Chloe and Rae’s partner came into sight.  Finn watched on, unseen, as he leaned down and kissed Chloe passionately. 

Finn’s mouth opened in shock and horror.  Outrage on behalf of Rae surged through his body, his temples thumped with adrenalin.

He couldn’t even begin to fathom what he should do.  He tried to count backwards from ten.  But a very large part of him wanted to just go over there and thump the bastard for cheating on Rae, despite the fact that Rae’s man was very tall and easily had 20 or 30 kilos on Finn.

Another part of him wanted to shake Chloe and ask her how she could ever do this to Rae.  He wanted to remind her that Rae was her best friend.

Part of him wanted to run to Rae and tell her everything but the largest part of him didn’t want her to go through this pain and humiliation.

The guy smacked Chloe’s arse as she headed inside, but he stayed outside and took a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, staring up at the starry sky happily.  Finn stared at him, trying to breathe through his anger.  But it was Rae, and she deserved batter than this. 

In a snap, Finn decided to confront him, the practice of counting down from 10 forgotten.  He stalked over to the guy.

“Ah!”  The guy said happily as he took a cigarette out and shoved the packet back in his pocket, “Finn Nelson!  I been meaning to talk to you all day!  Rae pointed you out!  Now then, I have an opportunity for-”

And Finn punched him in the face.  The guy took a few steps back, his hands flying up to his face, a look of complete shock and confusion on his face.

“You right fucking pillock!”  Finn sneered at him angrily.

“What was that for?”  The guy yelled back. 

“You know what!”

“I have no fucking idea!”  He was bewildered.

“For cheating on Rae you fucking scumbag.  With her best friend!”  Finn was so angry.  Just saying those words made the rage start to surge through his veins; he was gonna have to hit this guy again for trying to deny it.

“On Rae?  What?”  He answered.

“I just saw it, you fucking-”  But Finn was too apoplectic and he took a swing at the guy again.  But he was too quick and stepped back, his eyes glued to Finn, the stunned bewilderment still on his face.  Finn advanced on him, talking through teeth clenched with rage.  “Why would you cheat on her?  With her best friend!  You’re such a-”

“I’m not with Rae!”  He yelled in return and Finn stopped advancing on him, confusion in his eyes.

“Don’t fucking lie to me…”  But Finn was less sure now.

“Chloe’s my fiancé and Rae’s one of my best friends…”  The man replied.  Finn’s rage very suddenly stopped in its tracks.  “We’ve only been engaged for a week, but the ring on Chloe’s finger should-.”

“Oh…”  Finn said softly; he remembered seeing the ring, “But I saw you touching her hip.”

“Who’s hip?  Rae’s?”  The guy asked and Finn nodded in reply, “Well I have known her since uni, she was the first friend I made there… and we work together now… so… I guess we’re just comfy with each other.”

“Oh fuck…”  Finn said softly, “I’m so sorry.”  He tried to put his hands up to check the man’s face, but the man backed up.  “No I won’t do it again.”  Finn stumbled over his words, “I’m so sorry!”

“You really care about Rae.”  The guy said, “Cos I could beat the shit outta you.  I’m fucking twice your size!” 

“Yeah I’d believe it.”  Finn answered, Chloe’s fiancé was huge.

“My name’s Jeff.”  He held out his hand.  Finn took it and they shook.  “Truce?”

“Yeah, I’m real sorry… do you need ice or..?”

“No, it’s fine, I’ve had worse.”  Jeff answered.  “I was going to tell you, before you decided to assault me…”

“So sorry…”

“That we’ve been wanting to get a co-host for Rae’s show for a few years now.  I’m her producer.”  He explained, “The station asked her if she knew anyone with great music knowledge that could stand up against her knowledge and wit and banter.  She suggested you.  But then added that you two don’t really talk anymore, so it might not be a great idea.”  He pulled out his lighter and lit up the cigarette, still in his hand, “But I’d be willing to give you an audition of sorts.  If you’re interested?”

*

In the two weeks he’d been working with her, he realised that the happiness he’d seen was coming from within herself.  No one was making her that happy other than herself. 

It was truly inspiring to Finn and he decided to try and live his life like that; making himself happy, enjoying life.

Chloe was moving in with Jeff in London, leaving just Danny, Chop and Izzy still in Stamford.  Danny did a lot of baby sitting for Chop and Izzy in between his own job and they had formed a very tight knit family.  It made the four of them feel less guilty for leaving them behind to live in London.  Archie had started dating his ‘friend’ – a guy named Raymond… Ray… it was fair to say that Rae and Ray had far too much fun with the name thing and it was a source of constant eye rolling for Archie. 

But for Finn, the most miraculous thing for him had been coming to work with Rae.

At first he hadn’t been able to take his mind off how close she was and his feelings for her, but slowly the demands of the job and his unadulterated love of this work took over.  Finn’s time at work was strictly professional; even though it was Rae who was his senior co-host.

They didn’t speak much on a personal level, but it didn’t stop them from talking well professionally; their shared love of music took over.  The show was great, people loved it and Rae’s already high ratings went even higher.

They were down in the archives, pulling CDs for their next show, Finn checking the list from their planning meeting. 

“We should play some Bowie.”  Rae said softly.

“He’s not on the list for today.”  Finn answered, his eyes on the list, crossing off things as they found them.  “It’s gonna be sad when they get all these old albums onto the computer system.”  He lamented.  The station had just announced it was ‘going digital’ and that all their archive and music would be put onto computer over the next few years.

“That’s why we should play Bowie.  He’s always good for marking the end of an era.”  Rae reasoned.

“Yeah I know, I played the hell outta him after…”  But Finn stopped.  The end of that sentence was ‘we broke up.’  There was an awkward silence.  “Listen Rae-”

“Finn…”  She said with a weary tone.

“I wanna apologise for being a monumental knob-head for the past… fucking decade… Like since the first day we met really.”  He said.

“You haven’t been knob-head since the day we met.”  She shook her head.

“No you’re right, I was one before that too.”  He answered, “I been selfish, and inconsiderate and lazy.  But I understand now.  I get why we didn’t just get back together after you finished uni… which is what I was hoping for.”  He admitted, understanding how entitled to her he had felt, and how messed up that was.  “I just want you to know, that I don’t pine after ya anymore.  Like… I do miss our friendship.  And I will always love you.  But I am finally over ya girl.”  He took the Bowie cd out of her hand and put it in the basket of discs they were going to play songs from.  “End of an era.”  He said softly. 

“I miss our friendship too.”  Rae answered.  “Only cos it’s so cute when you think ya know more about music than me.”  They both broke out into a smile.  “Friends?”

“Aye.”

*

She was wearing jeans and a ‘Muse’ shirt.  She always wore jeans and a band t-shirt to work.  He liked that.  They matched. 

He loved their early morning noodle breakfasts.  She called it pho and constantly corrected him, but he’d always call it noodle soup, cos it made her scrunch her nose at him. 

She had gone to Vietnam a few years back and gotten into the habit of eating pho ga for breakfast there.  Or chicken noodle soup as Finn stubbornly called it.  When she had found this tiny Vietnamese restaurant, she had religiously begun coming here for breakfast, and now, he did too.

She had invited him on their anniversary of working together for a year, and he had decided to make it a daily event. 

“I’m so excited to have 2 weeks off work.”  She said as she scooped some chilli into her soup, “I love that job, but I’m so keen to go to Dahab with Archer.”  Archie had organised for them all to head to a laid back Egyptian beach town on the Sinai Peninsula for 10 days.  Gang members and their partners only.  Then Rae was heading to Tunisia to visit her mum for another 4 days before heading back to work.

“Yeah same.”  Finn said.  “Did Chlo and Jeff decide to come?” 

“Yep.”  Rae answered.  “But Chop and Iz are out, and Danny hasn’t gotten back to us yet; he can’t decide whether to invite Julian or not.”  Rae shrugged.  Finn didn’t ask if she was bringing someone; he just assumed she was.  He figured he’d be the odd one out.  Archie would be with Raymond, Chloe and Jeff would be together, Ray and whoever she was currently dating would be together, and he’d just hang around with them; the seventh wheel.

“If he hasn’t told us yet, he’s probably not gonna make it.”  Finn said with a frown.

“Right lad, we gotta head into work.  Last day before the holidays.”  She gave an excited grin and got up.  Finn followed her out of the restaurant and they walked together to the studio.

“You two!”  Jeff said as they walked in the door, “Clean out ya fucking desks afore you go on holidays, ya got ‘alf the fucking inventory up here!”  Rae and Finn shared a guilty grin and apologised as they headed to their desks, littered with CDs from the archives and demo tapes and new releases and music magazines all sorts of junk.  Finn started gathering up all the CDs to go back into the archives and dumping them carefully into the basket they used to move them around easier.

“I think we’re gonna need the trolley!”  Rae declared with a guilty chuckle as she went to get the shopping trolley from the side of the room; they were a low-budget radio station because they refused to play too many advertisements.  But they still managed to pay their presenters pretty well.  Finn dumped the CDs straight into the trolley, taking them from the basket, and Rae joined in, clearing her desk of records, tapes and CDs.  Rae had taken on the project of transferring all the records and tapes onto computer for the station.  They’d had to get her some special equipment, and she’d thoroughly enjoyed tinkering away with it all while Finn looked on, learning more about it all everyday. 

When they’d filled up the trolley as much as they could they headed towards the lift down to the archives. 

“We’ll have to come back for the rest.”  Finn pulled a face and they both laughed; they both loved having access to this much music.

“Twice.”  Rae answered then looked over her shoulder at their desks.  “Maybe more like three times.”  They pushed the trolley in the tiny elevator and squeezed in behind it, Finn pressing the down button.  “I hate this fucking thing.”  Rae murmured.

“Yeah it’s fucking slow.”

“Glacially slow.”  Rae agreed with him, “And I’m always sure it’s gonna break down and leave me fucking stranded…”

“And the jolt it does when it finally gets going…”  Finn said, “Makes me think it’s gonna plunge us to our fucking deaths!” 

They stood in silence for a moment as they waited for the doors to close.

“Hey!”  It was Alice calling to them, “Hold the chuffing doors.”  She jogged over with two CDs in her hand.  Neither Rae or Finn made an attempt to stop the doors to the elevator.  Alice was new here; she had no idea just how slow the lift was.  She got to the lift and squeezed in pushing Rae and Finn closer.  Rae was about to offer to just take her CDs down when the doors finally closed. 

“Just the first floor for me.”  Alice told Finn and he nodded and pressed the button.  Rae was so close to him now, he could smell her.  He loved the way she smelled.  Finn could feel her breath on his neck when she turned her head to look at him, but he kept his eyes straight ahead, stopping himself from looking at her, even though he could feel the heat emanating from her.  He had to be professional; they worked together.

“Go’ you guys ‘ave got a few albums!”  Alice joked “I thought we was only allowed to have enough CDs for our show out of the archives at any given time…”  She said, looking at their trolley.  Rae and Finn shared a look as Alice continued to chat, “but I s’pose if you’re the best rated show at the station you can afford to break the rules a bit.”  She continued as the lift jolted violently making her squeal.  She bumped into Rae and Rae bumped into Finn.  They were painfully, brutally, intimately close now.  “Bloody hell.”  Alice exclaimed as Finn tried to keep his breathing even and to keep as professional demeanour as possible.  “This whole building’s gonna collapse around us innit?”  Alice laughed nervously as Rae straightened up, her eyes meeting Finn’s for a moment.  And he swore he saw desire in her eyes, just a moment of a flicker before she looked over to Alice.

“Nah it’s fine Alice.”  Rae said, “she’s just an old girl with her own little bumps and bruises.”  She soothed.  They stood in silence, Rae’s arm pressed against Finn’s chest, her hand dangling painfully close to his groin.  Finn had managed to keep these feelings for her under control since he’d been working with her, but now they were bursting through his body… and threatening to make him burst out of jeans.  He cleared his throat, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, counting backwards from 10 as he slowly let the breath out. 

“You got anything exciting happening while you’re on holidays?”  Alice asked.

“Heading to a beach.”  Rae answered, “Plus I think I’m gonna be made to look at some ancient buildings again.”  She said, “I already seen ‘em but one of me mates who’s right into history hasn’t, so…”  She shrugged to indicate that she knew full well Archie was going to make her explore every inch of those pyramids when they got into Cairo before they headed off to Dahab.  Finn broke out into a grin and nodded.

“Sounds like Archer.”  He agreed.

“Don’t sound so happy, you know he’s gonna make you scramble around in the fucking desert for fucking hours too.”  Rae told him and Finn groaned and nodded his head.

“Oh so you two are going together?”  She said.

“Yeah it’s a bunch of friends going.”  Rae answered. 

“Oh I’d heard all the rumours that you two was going out.  But I didn’t believe ‘em cos you’re always so professional, even though there’s so much chemistry between y-”

“We’re not going out.”  Finn said sharply.  He didn’t want Rae to grow distant again because of some office rumours.  Her friendship was precious to him, and the hope that he had squashed, that maybe they could get back together, was beginning to grow again.  He knew he had to fight that hope, but when she was this close to him, it was almost impossible for him to not sweep her into his arms and kiss her passionately.  And the wild thought that she just might kiss him back was far too tempting not to entertain, even if only a little. 

“Nope.”  Rae agreed and Alice looked from Finn, a look of scepticism that Finn didn’t see because he’d allowed himself to look at her; the side of her face, the curve of her lips, the flutter of her eyelashes.  He knew he was in trouble again.  He always would be when it came to her.  She was his ‘real thing’.

“Ok.”  She said in a tone that indicated that she was in on their big secret now. 

“Really.”  Rae answered.  Finn looked down and tried to stop himself from clearing his throat suspiciously.  He desperately needed to rearrange himself; his pants had gotten decidedly tighter in the past few minutes. 

The lift finally jolted again and Alice squealed again and again pushed Rae into Finn, this time Rae’s hands reached out to stop her fall, and one of her hands pressed against his groin.  They paused, only centimetres apart, the back of her hand still on his groin, their eyes met.  She pulled her hand away and lowered her eyes and Finn cleared his throat and looked away, subtly trying to shift his pants; his erection would be painfully obvious to anyone who looked down.  And there was no way Rae didn’t just feel that; the throbbing heat from him was practically palpable without physical contact, and her hand had just copped full contact.  He looked up at her; she was looking down at the ground, sucking her bottom lip.  Yep.  She’d felt it. 

“Sorry!”  Alice was yabbering on again as Rae and Finn stared down at the ground, neither speaking.  “Go’ these doors take forever to open.”  Alice said, “I always forget how slow this lift is.”  She kept talking while Finn tried to not be hyper-aware of how close Rae was.  He tried to take another deep breath and count backwards from 10.  He tried to think of something, anything to get his erection under control.  “Prob’ly cos I only been here 2 weeks!”  She answered herself with a laugh.

“Yep.”  Rae cleared her throat.  The doors opened on the first floor of the archives and Alice gave them an awkward wave.

“Well this is me!”  She said and got out. 

They stood in silence as they watched Alice leave and head into the CD stacks of the newer collection.  They had some CDs to return here, but they were heading down to the basement first; where the older records were stored. 

It took Finn the full 45 seconds it took the door to close to realise that Rae hadn’t moved away from him.  He supposed she hadn’t realised, or didn’t want to seem rude… but she was so close, and he found himself staring at the side of her face hungrily, his hips, ever so slightly moving as he thought about things he shouldn’t be thinking about.  She was his friend now.  He had to forget how good it felt to be inside of her. 

She cleared her throat. 

The lift jolted again as it started to move, but they were both used to it and neither of them accidentally fell closer.  Although Finn had hoped she would. 

He cleared his throat, trying to hide his sigh of unadulterated lust as he watched her breasts rise in a deep breath. 

He licked his lips.

He tried to take his eyes off her. 

“I’m sorry that I uh…”  Rae started.

“No.  Not your fault.”  Finn answered, neither of them making eye contact.  “You know that thing happens to guys all the time… no particular reason.”  Finn almost kicked himself for drawing attention to his erection like that.

“Yeah I know.”  She answered, still looking straight ahead.  “Lived with one of me ex-boyfriends for a bit…”  She nodded slowly, “it was always up and down for no reason… like the wind’d change direction or something and,”  she made a nice to indicate an erecting penis and Finn nodded and tried to chuckle.  “Don’t mean nothing.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed nodding, his eyes not able to leave her.

And then she turned to look at him.

Their eyes met and there was an unmistakable blaze of heat between them. 

Finn felt like he could barely take a breath, and by the way her breasts were rising so invitingly, it seemed like she was struggling to get her breath too.

“It’s been a hot spring.”  She whispered.

“Unseasonably so.”  Finn agreed in a low voice that barely disguised his lust.  “It’s very hot in here.”  The words left his mouth, but he didn’t have time to panic about it.

“Cos o’ the heat.”  Rae answered.

“In the spring.”  Finn agreed again.

“So… hot.”  Rae said, “Unseasonably.”

“Dahab’ll be cold in comparison.”  Finn had noticed that neither of them looked away.

“Freezing.”  She agreed and the lift jolted to a stop.  This time they both jolted forward; they had both been too engrossed in looking at each other to be prepared for it… that’s what Finn told himself, rather than maybe one of them (him) had ‘accidentally on purpose’ jolted themselves forward. 

They banged into each other lightly, their faces coming close together.  But Rae laughed and looked down.

“Wasn’t paying attention.”  She laughed awkwardly and straightened up.  It took everything in Finn not to grab her and kiss her.  He’d probably be able to make love to her in the lift in the time it took it to get to the next floor if someone called it.  But she was already turning to their trolley and starting to manoeuver it.  Finn helped her, trying to get his spinning head and jittering stomach under control.

They pushed the trolley through to the back of the basement and started putting the records back on the shelves.  They worked in unusual silence, Finn kept trying to think of a topic of conversation, but the only thing he could think to say was ‘are you seeing anyone?’

“How are you getting to the airport tomorrow?”  Rae asked, finally breaking the long silence.

“Taxi.  Wanna share?” 

“Aye thanks.”  Rae answered.  Finn felt his heart skip a beat; he so hoped that this meant that she wasn’t bringing someone with her to Dahab.

*

For as chaotic and hectic as Cairo had been, Dahab was quieter and peaceful; a hippy, backpacker’s village by the ocean with some high class hotels and delicious restaurants right on the beach.  There was also several wonderful snorkelling places right off the beach. 

Tomorrow Archie had them all getting up early to head inland to Saint Katherine’s monastery and Mount Sinai, apparently the location of where Moses got the ten commandments from God or something. 

After a night in Cairo they had headed to Dahab to find that their expensive 5 star hotel had put Finn and Rae in the same room with a king sized bed.  After a bit of complaining it was changed to two queen sized beds; which is what Archie had booked.  When quizzed on it, he told them it was cheaper than two rooms.  And the last three nights had seen Finn trying not to look at Rae as she fell asleep. 

Right now he was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about how good she looked in her red bikini and wondering if he had indeed spotted a nipple piercing.  She was in the shower now, and he just couldn’t let himself think about her naked in there. 

They were friends.

They were work colleagues.

They were not dating.  Were not lovers.  Were not in love… at least one of them wasn’t anyway.

She came out of the bathroom with her hair in a towel, her nightie riding up her thighs slightly as she sat down. 

“What are ya doing out here Finney lad?”  She asked with a laugh, noticing that the tv was off and he was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

“Just thinking.”  He answered.

“Naw and I thought ya didn’t like trying new things.”  She joked, he laughed, reminded of a time over ten years ago when he’d asked her what she was thinking, and she’d told him she was trying to think of a way to tell him about his BO.  He’d liked how she didn’t seem to adore him, or hold him as perfect.  Of course, he knew now that she’d been faking that out of nerves. 

“Only one new thing a week for me.”  He answered feeling slightly sad and nostalgic for a time they’d never really had; a truly honest and real relationship.  They’d both always held back something.. 

“Well this one’ll prob’ly put ya outta action for a month.”  She teased. 

There was something unusual, something strange in the air tonight.  It felt like old times, but not… they’d never have that time back.  But there was something reminiscent of those times in this moment, something familiar and warm, comfortable… but something new.  Her joke at his expense wasn’t faked.  She wasn’t covering nerves now.  She didn’t hold him up on that pedestal anymore.  He looked over at her and it was like seeing her for the first time.  She was the most familiar person in the world to him, the woman he was in love with and always would be… but she was someone new.  Someone he was still getting to know. 

He realised that he was seeing her for the first time as an equal.  He’d finally gotten her off that pedestal too.  He looked over at her; sitting on her bed, drying her hair, looking more beautiful than ever.

“Do you remember when you decided we was gonna have that picnic?”  He said and she immediately began giggling.  “And I didn’t tell ya I wasn’t feeling well…?”  They had been driving into the countryside and he’d had to pull over to the side of the road to run behind the bushes to take a crap.  But in his haste he hadn’t noticed that the road was on a tight curve in the road, and the bushes were surrounded on 3 sides by the road.  So as he squatted there, thinking he was well covered by the bushes staring at his car, Rae sitting in it, obviously worrying, he heard yells and laughter and looked over his shoulder to see a ute full of lads driving along the road behind him. 

It had been quite a drive home, the picnic basket untouched in the back of the car.

“You know… I’d tell ya I was unwell now.”  He said softly.

“And I’d believe ya instead o’ thinkin’ you just didn’t wanna go with me.”  Rae answered.  There was a moment of silence as they stared at each other.  “You know, I really need to say sorry about how I was back then…”  Rae said softly and lowered her eyes.

“No you don’t.”  Finn rebutted immutably.

“I wasn’t always easy to be around…”

“No one is.”  Finn answered with a small shrug.

“Yeah but… you couldn’t say that to me back then cos I’d have gone into a self-hating spiral of self-destruction.”  Rae said, “It’s hard being around people like me sometimes… like being in a minefield I s’pose.”

“It never felt like that to me.”  Finn answered.  “That’s probably why I fucked up so bad.  I never realised how serious your problems were.”  He sat up in his bed.  “I’m so sorry I left you alone with them.”

“I think I needed it.”  Rae answered, “I mean it was hard… but I kinda got the idea into me head that I was only any good cos I had you.  Once I decided I had to save myself instead of waiting for you or anyone else to do it… well… that’s when I really started to get better.  Started to realise that I was good just by myself.”

“But you shouldn’t have had to do it by yourself.”

“I didn’t.”  Rae said, “I met Jeff almost straight away… I gotta huge array of friends you’ve never met.  A new therapist who specialised in body image and feminism… I didn’t do it by myself.  I just… Stamford had become a rut for me.  A far too well trodden path.  It was safe and comfortable.  And I’d come so far with my recovery that I thought I’d done enough.”  She put her towel aside, “I mean I’d done enough to keep you.  Until the first problem came up.  Then it all fell apart.”  She looked down at her hands.  “Those first few weeks at uni were so hard… I nearly called you so many times.”  She shook her head, “But I realised that sometimes safe and comfortable isn’t what you really need.  Sometimes you gotta face all those fears.  And I did.”  She leaned across the gap between their beds, “I could’ve never done that with you.  Cos you were my safety.” 

“I wish I could’ve been your danger too.”  They shared a moment of silence before laughing at the absurdity of that sentence.

“I wasn’t ready for a lad that was both safe and dangerous.”  She gave him a grin, “I needed safety, and you gave that to me.  But for me to get better, I needed to stop relying on you.  And to learn to rely on myself.  So really it all ended up ok in the end.  I proved to myself that there’s nothing I can’t do.  Not a thing.”  She was so, so beautiful right now because that strength he so admired was shining more than ever.  Finn made himself count backwards from 10.  “And like I said; I didn’t do it alone.  It was just that I didn’t let myself learn to rely on the new group of friends so easily… and when I did , I relied on them in an entirely different way, cos I relied on me the most.  I gave myself time with me.  Getting to know me.  Getting to trust me… and finally getting to like me.”  She shrugged, “It was terrifying, and if I hadn’t met Jeff, I’m not sure I would’ve been brave enough.  Cos he was going through pretty much the same thing.” 

“Did you and Jeff ever…?”  Finn said with a teasing grin.

“Fuck yes we did!”  Rae laughed, “I’m mental not blind Finlay.  Jeff’s fucking fit as fuck.”  She told him and they both laughed, “It was fun, but we don’t love each other that way, and it kinda dwindled out naturally… we started with fucking and just grew into being friends.” 

“Does Chloe know?”

“Yeah.  She met him when we was still fucking.”  Rae said.  “They knew each other a couple o’ years before they started dating.  That one grew the other way, from friendship into love and lovely sex.”  Rae gave a cheeky grin, “might’ve even had a threesome.”  She said with a teasing grin.

“Oh aye?”  Finn said, “Tell me all about it.”  He laid down on the bed and Rae laughed.

“Nah.  That one’s for us three.”  Rae answered, “But just know, that it was earth-shatteringly good.”

“You always did know how to get my fucking motor going girl.”  Finn sighed.

*

“It’s strange not hating going back to work.”  Finn said as they walked to work together.  “I mean I didn’t hate being a mechanic with Chop, but I fucking love this job.”  He turned to look at her, “Thanks for getting me this job.”

“I think you’ve thanked me about 40,000 times now.”  Rae answered.

“Not nearly enough.”  He said happily as they walked into the building. 

They sat down at their desks and booted up their computers, reading through the memos that had been left on their desks.  Rae checked her email and made an excited noise.  Finn looked up but she was busy typing a reply.  Some sort of good news he supposed. 

“Jeff, I gotta head out for about an hour.”  She said as she got up.

“You just got back!”  He complained.

“I know!”  Rae laughed, “I’m just the worst!’  She grabbed her bag and headed back out, Finn watching her go with furrowed brows. 

*

The past few months had gone by in a flurry of happy days and happy evenings spent with friends, and even more often with Rae.  She seemed busy a lot of the time, but never too busy to spend time with him. 

They talked about everything now; music, computer games, football, their deep personal thoughts and feelings… He felt like he was really getting to know her in a way he never had before.  She had told him everything about her time in uni, about her therapy, about her ex-boyfriends.  And he had told her about the journey he’d been through the past nearly ten years. 

They were closer than they had ever been, and it felt to Finn like they would naturally, over time, end up falling back together.  The momentum was definitely going that way. 

“Just give it a few months.”  He whispered to himself in the mirror.  He had to be patient and not try to push it, but instead let it just grow and evolve naturally. 

They were heading out to see a movie tonight: _The Dark Knight._   Rae had been saying how sad she was about Heath Ledger’s death, so they were heading out to the premier after dinner, on a truly balmy night.

Finn checked himself several times in the mirror before he finally headed out to pick her up at her house; they’d walk to the restaurant and then the cinema.

When she opened the door, Finn had to stop himself from making a lusty noise of appreciation.  She was wearing a floral, strappy dress that clung to her breasts masterfully.  That dress deserved a medal from all straight men in the world for doing such a stellar job of accentuating her breasts.  Finn had quite a job of it, not looking down at them. 

“Looking quite dapper Mr Nelson.”  She said as she came out the door.  Finn saw some boxes behind her and furrowed his brows. 

“You packing up Rae-Rae?”  He asked and she shrugged in reply. 

“Come on, we’re running late!”  She bustled him off down the road and he went happily, caught up in her frenetic mood. 

He’d chosen a fairly flash Italian restaurant; the line between ‘mate’s night out’ and ‘date-night’ had been blurring for them over the past few weeks, and he wanted to subtly clarify it like this. 

When he watched her looking at the menu, grinning happily, he knew he’d chosen right. 

“Did I thank you for getting me a good paying job I fucking love?”  He said as he took a sip of the wine he’d chosen for them.  Rae looked at the swish wine, and at Finn looking excited and nervous.  She understood that this was a date. 

“You might have.”  She grinned in reply. 

“You know, I think I could happily work there forever.”  Finn told her; he wanted to add what he was thinking: that he could work there forever because she was there.

“Really?”  She scrunched up her nose.

“Not you?”  He asked, surprised and concerned. 

“I won’t be there by the end of the year.”  She answered with a grim smile.  “Sorry pal, but you’re gonna have to find yourself a new co-host.” 

“What?”

“Don’t tell Jeff yet but, cos I haven’t told him yet.”  Rae told him.

“D’you get another job?”

“Not yet.”  Rae grinned excitedly, “but I will.” 

“I don’t understand…”  Finn’s heart was dropping.

“Don’t worry about it Finny.”  She said, “We got a good night planned.  We’ll talk about that later.” 

And Finn let it drop; he wanted to enjoy the night.  But a seed of fear and doubt had crept into his heart.  They’d been telling each other everything lately.  And now she was holding something back.

But he allowed himself to be swept up in her humour, her spirit, her company.

Her.

They had a wonderful dinner, and the movie was quite good, and now they were dawdling home, chatting animatedly.

“I reckon he’ll get the Oscar.”  Rae insisted.

“He fucking should get it.”  Finn said, “it’s fucked up that he’s dead.”

“He was so talented.”  Rae lamented.  “But Christopher Bale’s voice as Batman was so fucking annoying.”

“Why would you say that?”  Finn mimicked the voice Bale used in the role, “Can’t you feel how dramatic and urgent everything is when I use this voice?”  Rae giggled, “Why would you mock my voice Rae?”  Finn continued.  “Yeah it were shite.”  He returned to his normal voice.  “Bad directing I reckon.”

“Oh sacrilege!”  Rae said dramatically.  “Don’t say that in front o’ Archie!”

“Oh god no!”  Finn agreed, laughing.

“He worships Christopher Nolan!”

“And the ground under his perfect little feet.”  Finn agreed. 

“Alright.”  Rae said reluctantly as they got to her door.  “End of the date.”  She said with a cheeky grin.

“You noticed huh?”  Finn asked as he stepped closer and leaned on her door with his shoulder, his eyes never leaving hers, the grin they shared never faltering. 

“How could I not Finlay?”  She asked and leaned on her door too. 

“I just thought we deserved a nice meal.”  He tried to not push.  He remembered what he’d told himself before this date; just let it form naturally, he just needed a few months to let it grow.  The seeds were definitely there.  All it needed was time and the right food. 

“And our pho ga isn’t a nice meal 5 days a week?”  She laughed, edging closer. 

“Nicest way to start the day.”  He said and matched her by edging forward slightly. 

And then she put a hand on his chest and a flurry of electricity went through his whole being.  He put a hand on her waist, thinking that maybe it wasn’t going to take a few months after all when he saw the fire in her eyes.  He leaned in closer, his eyes flicking to her lips.

“Finn…”  Her voice was filled with desire and deep emotion.  She tilted her head to the side as he moved in closer, his lips almost brushing hers.  And then she looked down.  He stayed close to her, his hand still on her waist as her fingers curled around his shirt.  The closeness was killing him.  The heat between them was enough to keep the country warm in the depths of winter.  This was the real thing.  She was his forever, his home, the love of his life. 

“Rae.”  He whispered and she looked up, her face coming level with his, her lips almost brushing his.  They stayed like that for a moment.  “Rae…”  He tried to say so much with just that word. 

“Finn.”  Her voice sounded strangled with emotion this time and she slowly and with obvious reluctance looked down again.

“What is it Rae?”  Finn worried.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen…. I…”  Finn could hear that her voice was cracking with emotion.  “I can’t do this.  It’s not fair on you.”  She whispered and turned from him, slipping her key into the door.

“What are ya talking about?”  He asked, fear and despair starting to make him panic.  He was losing her again.  “Rae?”  She stopped before she opened the door.  “Please talk to me Rae…”

“I will.”  She whispered.  “I just need to… to think.”  She answered and then leaned towards him and kissed his cheek.  “Good night Finn.” 

And she was gone, leaving Finn starting at her closed door, utterly perplexed, and completely panicked that this time when he lost her, it’d be forever. 

*

She’d been quiet at work, but it seemed like their friendship was continuing, just with a little more distance.  The amount of ‘dates’ they had had definitely slowed down.  But Rae had told him that she was just very busy at the moment.  He just wished he knew with what.  But that distance between them meant he didn’t really get chance to ask her. 

Finn hated it, but he didn’t push. 

He figured that he’d been right the first time, that he just had to let it grow slowly, let it come together over the months.  He’d just let it go a little too fast.  He figured if he slowed down, he’d show her that he could be trusted, that he had grown up, that he could be patient.  That he could and would wait for her for as long as she needed.

*

Early September always brought on a bout of the blues in Finn. 

For the first time in a long time he found himself sitting alone in his apartment; Archie and Ray were having an ‘at-home date-night’ in Archie’s room and none of his friends were going out tonight, so he was, for all intents and purposes, alone for the night. 

He stopped himself from just staring blankly at the tv by surfing the net, which was only marginally better. 

His mind kept returning to Rae and the distance that had grown between them over the past 6 weeks since their near kiss. 

He was starting to worry that he’d read it wrong; that she hadn’t been starting to fall back in love with him. 

He went through an agony of wishing he’d let that hope properly die when he mistaken Jeff and Rae’s relationship, to knowing that he had seen that emotion in her.  He just wished he knew what the right thing to do was.

There was a knock on the door and Finn looked up from the computer.  He checked the time: 9:04pm.

“What the fuck?”  He muttered and got up to answer it. 

It was Rae, staring in at him from the front door step, an anxious look on her face.

“I just wanted to talk.”  She said softly, “About, you know, you and me.” 

“Aye.”  Finn was surprised at how calm his voice sounded, given the cacophony of emotions her words had set off in him.  “Come in.”  He started to count backwards to try and calm his nerves.  He vacillated spectacularly between being sure that she was about to declare her love for him, and being positive that she was going to tell him she wanted him out of her life forever. 

“You seem a little grumpier than usual.”  She said softly with an attempt at a smile as she came through the door. 

“I always get a little sad around this time o’ year.”  Finn said in a low voice.

“Why’s that?”  Rae asked and sat down on the lounge .  Finn closed the door to his apartment and looked at her.  They could hear Archie and Raymond having loud sex in Archie’s bedroom, with the television volume turned up very loud in an ill-fated attempt to hide it.

“It’s the anniversary of…”  He hesitated to tell her, but then his will power gave in; how could he just keep remaining professional around her when he loved her so much?  How could he just allow this distance to take over?  He had to try; one last time, to really talk to her.  That’s why she was here wasn’t it?  “Of when we broke up.”  He said and sat down beside her. 

“Go’ you keep track o’ that?”  She asked, obviously surprised.  “What’s that?  Ten years?”

“Yeah 10 years since…”  He lowered his eyes.  He wanted to say ‘10 years since I lost the love of my love cos I was being a fucking lazy knob-head and cos on some level, I actually had the fucking gall to think she’d just come back to me after she got her degree…’ but he remained silent.

“A lot’s changed since then.”  Rae said softly, her eyes never leaving him. 

“Not everything though.”  He said and looked up at her, desperately hoping to see something from her to give him hope.  He thought he’d given up that hope, but the past few months had seen it rekindling, and the hope that she could ever love him again was ablaze in his chest.

“No.”  Rae agreed, “Not everything’s changed.”  She leaned over and kissed his lips gently.  It was an entirely different kiss to the ones she’d given him all those years ago when they’d fucked in Stamford.  His hand went to her face and gently stroked her cheek.  He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he also didn’t want to break this moment.  She stood up and held out a hand to him.

“Come on.”  He understood what she wanted and took her hand, following her to his bedroom. 

He closed the door behind them and they started kissing again, a deep kiss, filled with desire and need and love.  Finn could barely believe it.  After 6 weeks of distance, she was here, in his bedroom, slowly undressing him, kissing his neck, kissing his chest with a deep loving tenderness.  Finn’s fingers were shaking as he tried to unbutton her blouse, but she stroked his face, her eyes filled with love, her touch telling him it was alright.  Their lips met again and he found his steadiness, and the nerves started to melt away; this was right, and it was really happening. 

They lay down together in his bed, Rae settling in on her back and pulling him to be on top of her, wrapping one of her legs around his waist in the same movement.  They kissed for a long time before Finn, stroking her cheek and staring into her eyes slowly penetrated her, a shudder of sheer unadulterated joy traveling through both of them as he did. 

She made a small breathy sigh of contentment as he slid his full length into her.  A sound he understood because he felt it in his bones; they were home. 

He felt tears at the back of his eyes; he was finally making love to her again.  But he realised that this was the first time he’d made love to her when he really knew himself, and he knew that there was never going to be anyone else for him.  He nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck, kissing her gently, to hide his tears of happiness.  But the way she wrapped her arms around him and stroked him soothingly as they made love, told him that she knew what he was feeling, knew of his tears. 

He had never felt more vulnerable than he did in this moment. 

But he knew.  He knew he could trust her. 

So he stopped hiding.

He pulled his face out of the inviting curve of her neck and shoulder and showed her his full emotion. 

And she kissed him. 

She kissed him.

“I love you.”  The words rushed from his mouth, “Rae I love you.”  One of his tears dropped onto her cheek and he gently wiped it away.

She pulled him closer, her arms holding him tightly and stared into his eyes, her hips coming up to meet his, their rhythm slow and deep. 

“I love you too Finn.”  She whispered almost silently.  He felt safe.  He was safe because he realised that she was as choked with emotion as he was. 

He kissed her, barely able to stop himself from screaming in joy.  It felt like his chest would burst. 

They made love for a long time, murmuring words of love to each other, before Rae had a long, slow-burning and very satisfying orgasm. 

And then she rolled him onto his back and he laughed merrily; he’d missed her physical strength as well as her mental and emotional strength.  She climbed on top of him and they continued making love.  Rae wasn’t fucking him for an orgasm this time, this time she was holding him closely, making love, breathing him in.  Breathing each other in. 

When Finn finally came, he too had a wonderful slow building orgasm that shook his whole body with pleasure. 

And she didn’t get up straight away.  They lay together in each other’s arms, gently talking, listening to each other’s heartbeats.  Just being together. 

When Finn looked over at the clock it was just past midnight.

“Some talk.”  He joked gently.  But Rae sat up, the anxiety back on her face.  He could see the tears in the back of her eyes.  “Rae?”  Finn felt deeply worried.  He felt like everything was about to come crashing down around him, just when he was so sure that finally his life was complete.

“I should have said this first.”  She said, “But I just… I wanted to make love to you.”  She tried to explain. 

“What’s wrong?”  Finn felt dread spreading through his chest.

“I just got the final approval to move to Australia.”  Rae answered, “And I wanna go.  I mean… I am gonna go.” 

Finn felt like the whole world had stopped.  He blinked, not able to understand what she was saying. 

“You what?”  He was bewildered.

“I got the first inkling of this whole thing when we got back from Dahab.”  She kept trying to explain, “And then everything was just moving so fast, and then I got first approval in July and… Then you tried to kiss me… But… but I’ve already made arrangements in Australia.  I have an apartment lined up and…”  She stopped talking, realising she was talking too much.  “I’m sorry I been distant lately.  I just had a lot o’ thinking to do about what I wanted and how I felt and where you fit into my life.”

“Yeah.”  Finn said softly and got off the bed, walking over to the wall he stared at it, desperately trying to understand this.  Finn tried to count backwards from ten, tried to get his thoughts and emotions into some sort of order.

“Finn.”  Rae asked sadly, he could hear the tears starting to crack her voice.  How was this happening?  He’d finally just gotten her back into his life; they were talking properly with truth and honesty, had a good strong friendship now.  She’d just told him she loved him.  He’d shown her his true vulnerability; and she’d kissed him, accepted him in his weakest moment, and that had made him the strongest he’d ever been.  “Finn?”  Everything in him was breaking apart.  He couldn’t lose her again.  But she was leaving again.  First for university, now for another country.  Would she always be leaving him behind, outgrowing him?  And would he always be that same knob-head that couldn’t bring himself to be brave enough to do the hard work on himself that being with someone like her required?  “Finn please say something.”  She was obviously beside herself with worry.  Finn was staring at the wall, asking himself who he really was, and was he really capable of doing what was needed.  “I still love you.”  she whispered, “Even though-”

“Let me come with you Rae.”  He asked softly as he turned back to her.  He couldn’t bear for this moment to end, he couldn’t lose her again.  He could do whatever it took.  He could make himself expand further, to include leaving his beloved homeland to strike out on a new and exhilarating and terrifying path.  “I never stopped loving you.  Not even in the times when I didn’t deserve the privilege of loving you… not even in the times when I should have been focussing on loving myself.”  He crossed the room and went to her, putting his hands on her arms, “I’ll go with you if you let me.”  He told her, “I’m not the same person I used to be.”

“I know.”  She answered.  “I never stopped loving you either.  Not for one minute.  I just… I didn’t see us as a viable option.” 

“Me being a knob-head for a lot of the time you’ve known me probably didn’t help.”

“No.”  She agreed, “It didn’t.  But I was a knob-head too ya know.” 

“Aye I know.”  He answered.  She was strangely reassured to hear him say that.  “I’m still Finn.  I still get grumpy.  I still know more about music than you do.  I still don’t talk as much as I should.  But I see you girl.  I never really saw you right proper afore.  But I do now.  I got you off that pedestal Rae, and I love you even more now.”  He stroked her face gently, so glad that she didn’t pull away from his loving gesture.  “Take me with you?”  She leaned over and put her hands on his face and looked him in the eyes.

“That’s what I was hopin’ you’d say.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah and if you didn’t, I had a whole speech planned, asking ya to come with me Finn.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Finn felt a burst of happiness surge through his body.  “I wanna spend the rest of me life with you.” 

“Well then you’re gonna have’ta marry me girl.”  He surprised himself with those words; he hadn’t intended to say them, hadn’t expected to push his luck this much.  But it felt like the right thing to say.

“That’s the plan.”  She answered, “Make all our friends come to a wedding on an Australian beach somewhere…”  She said in a whimsical tone.  “It’ll be perfect.

“Aye.”  He answered, “So that’s… that’s a yes…”  He could barely believe it.

“That’s a yes Finn Nelson.”  She told him.  “I wanna move to Australia, but I don’t wanna do it without you.” 

Finn could barely contain himself, he kissed her passionately, emotions surging through his body.  He stopped and stared into her eyes, excited and nervous and beyond happy and so in love.

“We’re really gonna do this?”  He whispered.

“Yeah I think so.”  Rae answered.  “I really think you’ll like it in Australia.  There’s a state called Tasmania… very forest-y… I like it there.”

“I’ll like wherever you are Rae.  You’re my home.”  He kissed her lips tenderly. 

“I love you.”  She told him.

“I love you.”  He returned happily.

“We’re going to Australia!”  She said excitedly before she kissed him again. 


	2. A Decade (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is Rae's POV
> 
> Please note: this is a one shot, separate to my other fics, it takes place after the real season 3 finished, it’s here to heal the rinn heartache. Also; I haven’t watched season 3 yet, I’m just taking this from the spoilers I read.
> 
> Love you all my emus! xo
> 
> ps - yes i will finish season 4! and the poly fic!

 

["Shake It Out"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs)  
Regrets collect like old friends  
Here to relive your darkest moments  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
And all of the ghouls come out to play  
And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn  
And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around  
All of his questions, such a mournful sound  
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground  
Cos I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa  
And I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart  
Cos I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
Given half the chance would I take any of it back?  
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone  
It's always darkest before the dawn  
Oh whoa, oh whoa...  
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't  
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope  
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope  
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat  
Cos looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa

 

 

_Dear Diary_

_Bad… very bad… very bleak._

_I can’t stop crying._

Rae looked at the big black circle she had scribbled on her page over and over and over…

_I’m proud of how I kept it together back home.  How I just said goodbye… how I danced and laughed… how I didn’t kiss him._

_Moving forward Rae… moving forward…_

_But after 15 minutes on the train I…_

She had felt the tears coming and had fought them back gallantly until she was in her room, the door closed.  And then she had let herself cry. 

_I should be trying to get to know new people and thinking about university but…_

_Chloe_

_And Archie_

_And Danny…_

_And Chop and Izzy,_

_Finn._

_Finn._

_F  I  N  N_

She bowed her head, a feeling of panic rising in her chest.

_What if no one ever wants me again?  What if he was it?  What if I threw away my only chance of having a lad?  It’s not like they’ll be lining up around the block for a hit at a brown-haired Campbell’s soup kid._

She looked up at her unpacked bag sitting on her desk, the small light desk the only source of light in the dwindling twilight.  She looked out the window at the sunset and felt an aching sense of loss in her heart. 

_I can’t take it._

She looked at the painted bricks of the outer wall on her dorm room.  Her fingers twitched and she tried to avert her gaze back to looking out the window. 

_I keep thinking about hurting myself again._

_It wouldn’t be much to just rub my fingers on that wall… or I’m sure there’s a knife in the kitchen that-_

She stopped and took a deep breath, her pen scratching another big black circle for several minutes.

_The true test of if I’m not hurting myself anymore is if I can stop myself from doing it when everything seems to be the worst._

Rae sat in her tiny dorm room.  She could hear people moving in to their rooms and laughing and joking in the rooms all around her.  There was a shared kitchen and laundry at one end of the corridor, and the shared bathrooms at the other.  This was a co-ed dorm, with the girls rooms on one side of the corridors, boys on the other.  She was surrounded by excited people, getting ready to begin this new chapter in their lives. 

And she’d never felt more utterly alone.

_I already miss them all._

She got up and went to the window, her fingers gently running along the bricks.  She stared at her fingers on the creamy painted bricks and then turned away quite suddenly.  She snapped her door open; a lot of the students had their doors open so that they could all get to know each other.  And this way she couldn’t be alone with her thoughts, her need to harm herself.  She wiped her eyes and as she looked up she saw a lost looking Asian man sitting in his dorm room across the hallway.  Even though he was sitting at his desk, writing in a book and taking deep breaths that looked quite anxious to Rae, she could see that he was a tall lad, broad across the shoulders, big hands, the fingers covered with Band-Aids. 

He looked up and saw her.  Rae was struck by how alone he looked.  And scared.  She realised she must look exactly the same, but with far redder eyes from crying. 

“Hey.”  She said softly.

“Hi.”  He answered, his anxiety even more noticeable now.

“I’m Rae.”  She tried to sound warm, rather than as terrified as she was.  This poor lad needed a friendly face. 

“Jeff.”  He answered.  Rae thought she detected the slightest hint of a Scottish accent. 

A naked lad ran down the hallway yelling and hollering, everyone laughing and cheering from their dorm rooms.  Jeff looked down and Rae looked on with a look halfway between unimpressed and amused.  She looked back at Jeff, picking at the Band-Aids on his fingers.

“I’m from Stamford.”

“Moffat.”  He replied cautiously. 

“That’s up Scotland way, right?”  She asked.

“Yeah.”  He nodded looking really grateful for the conversation; almost like she hadn’t said what he’d expected her to say.

“Well I’m right across the hallway if you need me.”  She said, “For anything.”

“Thanks.”  He answered, looking like he wanted to say more.  Rae lingered, giving him chance to build up the courage.  “Ditto.”  He said the word and then took a deep breath and looked back down at his book.  Rae had a feeling it was a diary. 

She turned back to her room, leaving the door open and looked at her diary, open on the bed, her scribbled entry and scratched, angry, filled in circles looked sad and depressing. 

She closed the book and turned to her bag.  Time to unpack. 

*

Rae looked in on the lecture, everyone was milling in and she saw Jeff, looking terrified, sitting down in the fourth row.  She took a deep breath and went to sit beside him.

“Hey.”  She said softly and he started slightly.

“Rae.”  He said her name like he was unsure if he’d remembered it right and was anxious about that.

“That’s me pal.”  She told him with a welcoming grin.  She really did feel so bad for him.  He seemed like a tiny bird, pushed from the nest too soon, plummeting towards the earth, still trying to figure out what his wings were for.

A moment of deep connection welled in Rae’s heart; she’d been feeling like this about Jeff all week.  Because she’d felt that way far too often.  She remembered the first time she’d been in Kester’s office, how she had felt so broken.  But even now, when everything was so awful and she felt so alone, she had managed to go the week without hurting herself, without binge eating, without being too cruel to herself, without calling Finn and running back to Stamford.  She’d had a few very close calls, and it had been a very hard week, the hardest she’d ever had.  Going through orientation and meeting so many new people and being expected to go out to the pub every night...  But she had gotten through it, with her door open, Jeff across the corridor, neither speaking, but both looking up at the other on occasion, feeling that a kindred spirit was nearby.  Rae felt like she needed to watch over Jeff, and set a good example to him, and she had clung to that as her fingers had slipped over the brickwork, and that had made her able to snatch her hand back every time. 

And she noticed that the Band-Aids were off his fingers, but his nails were brutally short, the ragged cuticles had obviously been picked bloody, but were healing now.  She hoped that having her across the hallway had helped him stop picking at himself as much as his silent presence had helped her.  This complete stranger, this soul-twin. 

She looked over at him as she opened up her folder of notes and saw his t-shirt.

“I fucking love Skunk Anansie!”  She said loudly.  A little too loudly and a lot of the students started to laugh.

“Me too!”  Came a call from the other side of the lecture theatre.  There was another laugh.  Jeff smiled, both genuinely amused and deeply anxious.  Rae gave him an encouraging smile.

“You seen ‘em live?”  She asked Jeff and he nodded.

“No.”  He answered sadly.

“Oh I never seen ‘em either.  Wish I had though.”  She told him and his small smile broadened slightly. 

The lecturer walked in, a rugged man in his 40s, wearing jeans and a leather jacket.  Rae saw the girl in front of her lean forward in her chair, her eyes glued to the lecturer.  Rae looked around to see several girls leaning forward intently.  She supposed the lecturer was cute.  But not that cute.

“I’m Sam.  Welcome to Sociology.  Just for a mental note, how many of you are doing this as your main degree?”  There was a show of hands, “And as a minor?”  Rae and Jeff and many other people put their hands up.  “Alright.”  He murmured, “About an even split.”  He put his notes and coffee cup on the desk.  “Some people say that sociology is the study of the bleedin’ obvious.  And some say it is the study of what’s right in front of our faces.  Neither of these sentences is entirely untrue and neither of them are at all true either.  It is the study of our society.  Which you know far less about than you think.”  He said with an amused air.  “There are lots of components to your sociology units this year, and I never teach them in the same order.  I tend to let the class dynamic help me choose what order to teach them in.”  He said as he scanned his class, “I know, I’m a wildcard.”  He joked in a self-deprecating, sarcastic tone.  His eyes fell on Jeff and they narrowed slightly.  “Your name?”

“J-Jeff.”  He stuttered slightly.  Rae put her hand on his leg under the tiny tables they used to write on and he jumped slightly, but she squeezed his thigh in support and he seemed to understand. 

“And where are you from?”  Sam asked.

“Moffat, Scotland.”  Jeff answered.  Sam nodded and took a look around the room.  Obviously letting that sink in for some reason.  Then he turned back to Jeff, “But where is your mother from?”

“Scotland.”  Jeff answered in a reluctant tone of voice that told everyone that he’d been asked this many times before.

“And your father?”  Sam persisted.  Jeff sighed softly and Rae squeezed his leg again.

“North China.”  Jeff said in a low voice.  Rae could feel the small tremor of emotion from him and worried for her new kind-of-friend. 

“Thank you Jeff.”  Sam said and turned his eyes to Rae.  “And you are?”

“Rae.”  She answered and felt Jeff’s hand on her thigh, offering her the same support.  But she found that even though she was scared of this moment, she didn’t need his support.  She was coping.  She hadn’t realised that she could cope like this until this very moment.  Things started to click in her head, but she couldn’t tell what they were.  But she did seem to be more capable than she had thought she was.

“And you are from?”

“Stamford.”  Rae answered.  Sam again gave the room a moment to take that in. 

“And your mother?”

“I dunno… probably Stamford.” 

“Father?”

“Um… somewhere in England…”  Rae answered with a shrug. 

“Thank you Rae.”  Sam said and turned back to the rest of the class, “Now I wanna talk about the assumptions that come out of a conversation like this.”  He looked around.  “Any thoughts?”  A boy in the back row put his hand up and Sam pointed to him.

“I dunno why you asked Rae where she was from.”  He said, “It’s obvious innit?”  Sam gave the student a knowing smile.

“Well why wasn’t it obvious where Jeff was from?”  Sam asked and crossed his arms as he sat down on his desk.  There was a deathly silence in response.  No one wanted to say that it was because he wasn’t white.  “If you haven’t guessed our first topic this semester is going to be racism.” 

*

“I mean he made some good points and all,”  Rae was saying as they walked back to their dormitory, “But I didn’t like how he used us an example.”  Rae said ‘us’ but she meant ‘you’ – she was worried about Jeff.  “I mean there were loads of other people who weren’t white.”

“I think he chose me cos I’m the only person who’s got Chinese in ‘em.”  He answered, “Like if a black person says they’re from England, people accept that now.”

“Kinda have to.”  Rae answered, “since we brought a lot of ‘em here through slavery.”

“Yes exactly.”  Jeff agreed, “But Chinese people aren’t as commonly seen so…”  He shrugged slightly,

“He just knew that I’d been through that hundreds o’ times.”  Jeff answered.  “And when I say Scotland, they always wanna know where me parents are from…  Then they call me Chinese rather than Scottish.”

“Oh god.”  Rae said in sympathy. 

“It’s not as bad as them telling me I speak real good English.”  He said with a bitter tone.  “I’ve never spoken another language in me whole life.”  He told her with a shake of his head.  “How else am I s’posed to speak me only language?  I’d hope I’d be good at it!”

“So everyone just always assumes that you’re not from here?”  Rae asked and Jeff nodded.  “Fucking hell… that’d be so fucking annoying.”  She said and Jeff started to chuckle.  “What?”

“I dunno… I’ve just always found it kinda depressing.”  He said. 

“Oh well yeah.”  Rae agreed as they headed into their building.  When they got to their doors Jeff turned to her, obviously nervous, opened his mouth to speak and then closed it and turned away.  Rae touched his arm gently.

“Wanna come in?”  She asked and he nodded.

“Yeah, if that’s alright?” 

“Well I wouldn’t offer if it weren’t.”  Rae replied encouragingly.  “I’ll make us some tea.”  She said and he started to laugh quietly to himself when he saw that she’d bought herself a kettle and had left room on her bookshelf for it and her vital tea supplies; his bookshelves were filled with books already.  Except for the shelf above the bed where he stored a few packets of instant noodles in a small box; Rae had food supplies on that shelf too.  She had also bought a cheap set of cups; there had been 4 in the pack, so she pulled a second one out of the box and turned to him.  “How d’you take it?”

“Strong, no milk or sugar.”  He answered.

“Easy.”  Rae answered and opened the mini fridge to get her milk out.  Every room had a mini fridge pressed against the side of the wardrobe, under the table.  Every rectangular room had a single bed on one wall.  And on the opposite wall a wardrobe in the corner with a table that covered the rest of the wall and curved around the corner under the window, stopping next to the bed with a set of drawers.  There were bookshelves above the table on the windowless wall, and above the bed a short single shelf, a door opposite the window in line with the base of the bed, a mini fridge, several power sockets, a phone connection socket, heavy curtains, a small bin and a table lamp.  It was the student’s job to keep their rooms clean, but all common areas had cleaners.  Although the cleaners didn’t do their dishes; but they were installing two dishwashing machines sometime this semester.  Rae was on a meal plan with the university; it provided breakfast and dinner, but she had to do her own lunches.  It was the most her mum could afford because it had been an upfront payment.  She was sending monthly lump sums for Rae’s lunches, and Rae was intending to find a job for the other expenses that were bound to come up. 

“So what degree are you doing?”  Jeff asked as he stood around awkwardly.

“Sit.”  She pointed at her bed and Jeff nodded, taking a deep breath before sitting down, his eyes on Rae.  “I’m doing literature, majoring in creative writing, minoring in sociology.”  Rae answered.  “You?”

“Media studies, minoring in sociology.”  He said, his voice sounding very anxious.  Rae gave him an encouraging smile again.

“You don’t have to worry Jeff.”  She said calmly as she poured the hot tea, “Everything’s alright.  I won’t bite.”  She knew it was easier said than done when it came to being less anxious, but she didn’t know what else to say to him; he’d seemed fine on the walk over.  She didn’t understand why he was so anxious now. 

She sat down on the bed beside him and they silently drank their tea.

“So what’s Stamford like?”

“Alright.”  Rae answered.  “Got friends there, so it’s important to me.  But me family are over in Tunisia now.”  She felt alone again, a momentary feeling of her stomach dropping, her heart skipping a beat.  But she swallowed it down and scrunched up her nose as if to say to Jeff that she didn’t mind that her mum was over the ocean in a whole other country.  “What’s Moffat like?”

“Home.”  He answered, “Green rolling hills.”  He said wistfully and Rae saw his anxiety drop.  Jeff seemed to be the kind of guy that enjoyed green rolling hills.  An idea of taking him out for a walk in the country popped into Rae’s head and she decided to get on the university computers to search for good places nearby to do a bit of a nature walk.  “Am Magh Fada.”  He said softly, “That’s it’s Gaelic name.  It means The Long Plain.” 

“Sounds pretty.”

“It’s beautiful.”  He answered, “Nice little town.  Good people.”

“Crazy Scottish people.”  Rae joked.

“Oh the craziest.”  He rolled his ‘r’ outrageously and Rae laughed. 

“Bet you’re not as mental as the people in Stamford.”  She told him.

“Aye, but is it a competition, lass?”  He asked.  Rae shook her head and they sat in companionable silence.

“Tell me something about your family that no one would expect?”  She said and Jeff groaned.

“Me dad’s won competitions for growing the biggest pumpkins in Scotland.”  He answered, “He’s kinda famous for it all around Moffat.”  Rae laughed loudly and Jeff shook his head grinning.  “You?”

“Um…” Rae said softly, “Me mum’s into the Spice Girls, and I once caught her wearing a pair of ginger spice hot pants.” 

“Wow.”  Jeff shook his head, “Is she as hot as you?”  Rae was surprised at how easy the words left his mouth.

“What?” 

“I’m sorry.”  Jeff looked down at his finished cup of tea, his anxiety clearly starting to beat himself up for what he imagined to be an extremely rude thing to say.

“No it’s fine… I just… never had someone ask me that afore.”  Rae said honestly. 

“Oh.”  Jeff answered, still looking down at his hands.  Rae put a hand on his thigh to try and comfort him, to tell him it was ok. 

And he leaned over and kissed her, quite passionately.  Rae’s eyes opened wide in surprise, but his kiss was quite marvellously sexy so she followed his lead and kissed him back.  Before she knew it his trembling hands were undoing the buttons on her blouse, and she was letting him. 

Rae had never quite gotten it into her head that someone might want to take off her clothes, and she was never sure of what to do with her hands when she was being undressed.  As soon as Jeff had pulled her shirt off, she decided to reach over and pull his off.  He had quite a fit body; there was even a beautiful six-pack for her to run her fingers over.  Jeff had become so muscular doing all the manual labour on his father’s massive farm; it was organic and ‘old-school’, so there was no messing around, everything was done by hand.

It took much less time than expected for them to be naked; the kissing had become quite heated and their movements were fast and passionate.  He drew Rae to him with ease and laid her down on the bed, his strength more than a match for her size.  But then Jeff was not a small man himself; he was several inches taller than her, and had a lean muscular body that was far stronger than it looked.  And it looked very strong. 

Rae barely had any time to think, the kissing was so passionate and eager, so intense, so exciting.  And he was inside of her.  Just like that.  There had been no battle of self-esteem, no ceremony, no longing stare into each other’s eyes; they had barely stopped kissing.  He had gasped silently as he slid into her and she had groaned happily.  He felt good inside of her. 

“Oh fuck.”  He whispered and his eyes rolled back in his head, “You feel amazing…”  He barely got the words out in between kissing her.  Rae groaned in response, her hands happily exploring his body while she actively shut down her brain from noting how different he felt to Finn. 

After a few minutes Rae felt the pleasure building inside of herself and knew she would cum soon.  But he stopped, took a few deep breaths and gave a slight laugh filled with embarrassment.  She understood that he was close to coming because Finn had done this before.  He withdrew and kissed down her body.  She felt her stomach tense up as he got to her thighs, but he kissed over her scars without hesitation, apparently without even noticing the scars.  And then he was kissing her labia.

Well Rae didn’t mind that one bit.  She rolled her head back as he settled in between her thighs and began to eagerly lick at her clitoris.  A little too eagerly, but she managed to find the rhythm in his action and focussed on building her pleasure; she wanted to cum.  After the first few minutes of eagerly licking her he calmed down into a very good rhythm and Rae easily came when he started to finger her too.  She closed her legs around his head and he groaned, his hands going to her thighs.  He kissed her thighs passionately.

“You’re so fucking sexy.”  He moaned, his teeth dragging along her inner thighs.  His hands travelled up her round stomach, his eyes drinking her in with very obvious delight.  Rae loved the way he looked at her.

And he was inside of her again, fucking harder than before, Rae groaned loudly, her pussy sensitive with her clitoral orgasm.  She could taste herself on his lips as he kissed her again.  He started to moan loudly, his orgasm obviously very intense, just as Rae felt her own orgasm starting to climb.

“Keep going!”  She begged him as he started to slow up.  And he did, making loud gasping noises, until she groaned in delight and came a second time. 

He collapsed beside her, panting happily, a huge dopey grin on his face his eyes on her as she looked at the ceiling, panting and trying to figure out what had just happened. 

“Well I suppose things like this happened at university.”  Rae said to the ceiling and Jeff chuckled beside her.  She turned to look at him, “That was… very unexpected… and very nice.”  She looked at his handsome face go from happy to confused.

“Unexpected?”  He said, taken aback, “But…” He paused, realising he might have been wrong.  “I thought… didn’t you put your hand on my thigh to… you know…”  Rae opened her mouth in surprise.

“What?”

“I thought you were… hitting on me.”  He said softly.  “You weren’t?”

“I was… comforting you.”  Rae said, “I was offering you support.”

“Oh.”  Jeff said.

“So you weren’t comforting me back when you put your hand on my thigh?”

“No I as trying to let you know I was completely up for it.”  He laughed nervously. 

“Why’d you wait till Sam was talking to me to do it?” 

“Well I took a mo’ to get me nerve up.”  He answered, “Cos you’re a right bonny lass, and I weren’t sure I were reading ya right…” He looked away, blushing, “Obviously I weren’t.”  Rae stared at him in incredulity for a moment.  And then she burst out laughing.  Jeff stared at her face for a minute.

“I’m sorry…”  Rae said between giggles.  But Jeff started to laugh too.  “We just accidentally had sex.”  She started to laugh much harder and Jeff was laughing just as hard.  After the laughing tapered out they lay naked together comfortably, staring up at the ceiling.  “We should do it again.”  Rae said, and was instantly surprised by the words coming out of her own mouth.

“Right now?”  He asked with an eager undertone.

“Well there’s a bit of a mess down there right now.”  Rae said and then started to worry.  “Should’ve really used a condom.”  She furrowed her brows and told herself to do better next time… next time… she could hardly believe that this had happened and she was already thinking about a next time. 

“They got the morning after pill at the uni clinic if you need it.”  He told her.

“Nah I’m on the pill.”  She answered, “But… I’m not saying you got anything, it’s just.. you know… safety first…”

“Oh!”  Jeff said and lowered his eyes, “I don’t have anything.”  He said shaking his head and giving her a flash of an anxious smile. 

“I mean… I believe ya an’ all, it’s just…”  She tried to think of the right way to say all of this.  “But, I mean, how d’you know?”

“Ah cos…” He hesitated and lowered his eyes, fidgeting with the skin around his fingernails.  She took his hand to stop him and he gave her a grateful smile.  “That was the first…”  He lowered his eyes again.

“Oh.”  Rae said.  “Oh!”  She understood that he had been a virgin before this.  “Oh well… you did real well…  wouldn’t o’ guess it were your first time.”

“Aye?’  He asked excitedly. 

“Aye.”  She answered. 

“Well you know… I don’t mind if it’s a bit messy…”  He said with an adorably awkward attempt at seduction.  Rae grinned at him.  “If you wanted to go again.”

“Get to it lad!”  Rae answered and he started to kiss her again. 

*

_Dear Diary_

_I may have turned into a slag…_

_This past week I shagged Jeff 10 times… and I still don’t know his last name._

_Fuck._

_He’s quite good.  And I quite enjoy him.  But I keep thinking I’m betraying Finn._

_And then I remember Katie and I think he’s probably fucked half a dozen different girls already._

_All thin._

_Fucking arsehole._

_I’m angry at him, but I’m also not._

_Part of me thinks that it was inevitable._

_He’ll always be an 11._

_And I’ll always be a 4._

_Or maybe a 5._

_Oh god I’m all over the place at the minute._

_I don’t know what my insides are doing, or where my head’s at._

_When I’m with Jeff I have a moment of peace.  But when I’m in here alone, it’s like it all comes crowding back in on me and I dunno what to do._

_So I just keep ploughing forward.  Go to classes, hang with Jeff… fuck with Jeff… do homework._

_Am I getting this right?_

_How do I know if this is what I’m supposed to be doing?_

_How does anyone know?_

_I just feel so lost._

_But the worst thing is that it’s no different to how I felt in Stamford.  It’s just quieter here, cos I got less friends, more time to myself… so I can actually hear it now._

*

Rae sat at the computer. 

It had been three weeks since she’d left Stamford.

She stared at the Hotmail sign in page.

Since she’d made her email account she hadn’t checked it once.

“What if they haven’t written?”  She whispered to herself.  But the question her mind threw back at her was worse and she couldn’t understand why: _what if they have?_

She got up and left the computer room.

She headed straight to Jeff’s room.

“Hey.”  He said with a grin when she stood in his open doorway.  She closed the door and took her shirt off without a word. 

“Ok.”  His grin broadened and he watched her undress, his desire for her intoxicating. 

*

“My name’s Leandra.”  She smiled invitingly, “Do you wanna see my qualifications?”

“No… that’s fine.”  Rae answered, surprised she had been asked that.  She felt very unsure of this and she eyed the model-like woman sitting in the armchair with one leg crossed over the other.  She had green eyes and dark blond hair that tumbled down her back in luxurious lose curls.  She wasn’t wearing any make-up and her face still looked magazine cover flawless.  She was wearing a sensible pant suit, but it was very clear to Rae that under that grey, smart looking suit was a rocking body that would make most men and many women beg for a taste. 

Rae felt instantly envious.

But there something in the way Leandra moved and talked that wasn’t like all the other beautiful girls, or rather women, she’d ever met.  Rae couldn’t figure out what it was though.

“Ok, well if at any time you’re uncomfortable or you need to-”

“It’s fine, I’ve already had a couple o’ years o’ therapy.  I know how it goes.”  Rae said sullenly.

“Ok.”  Leandra smiled and Rae could tell that she was already starting the process of figuring her out.  “So do you wanna tell me what brings you here?”

“My life is completely falling apart.”

“Ok.  What makes you feel that way, do you know?”

“I dunno if it even is falling apart.  I just…”  Rae sighed loudly and leaned back in the chair.  Yes.  Yes she needed this.  “I haven’t contacted my friends and it’s been a month.  I’ve only called me mum once, even though she wants me to do it more.  I keep shagging the only friend I got here… although I’m not really sure he’s a friend.  I still don’t know his fucking last name.”  Rae stopped and looked quietly at Leandra, “Oh shit!  Am I allowed to swear here?”

“You can say whatever you want here.” 

“None of it’s going the way it’s s’posed to.” Rae said with a mild hint of desperation.

“Well how’s it supposed to go?” 

“I dunno!”  Rae was exasperated.  “I’m supposed to be staying in contact with me old friends and me family.  And I’m s’posed to be making new friends, and… and… crying over Finn.”  Rae groaned, “Except I am crying over him.  So how am I fucking Jeff?” 

“Who says that’s how it’s supposed to be?”  Leandra’s tone was calming.

“I dunno.”  Rae felt slightly sulky.  “Everyone!”  She snapped.  Leandra nodded and folded her hands on her knee.

“Starting a new phase in our lives, like beginning university, is very difficult, I think most people have at least a few moments where they feel lost.  It might be more useful for you to create your own expectations, instead of trying to live up to other’s expectations of you.”

“I don’t know what I expect.”  Rae answered. 

“Perhaps that’s a problem?”  Leandra asked gently. 

“I should be doing better.  I didn’t get the mark I wanted on my first assignment.  I haven’t made any friends, except for a guy I’m shagging, and I should have at least 2 or 3 friends.  And my room’s always messy, and I never seem to be able to keep up with all the readings, and I don’t have a job yet, and I should be writing to me friends every day and calling mum every couple of days and I need to start getting up early and jogging, cos I need to do something about the food the university serves, cos I been getting even fatter with it and I need to treat Jeff better and I need to talk to Finn better and find out… I dunno… if he’s a knob-head, why didn’t I see it sooner?  And well… I can’t help feeling like Jeff is more attracted to my body than Finn was… and that annoys me.  And it shouldn’t.  I should be doing better than this!”  Leandra stayed silent for a moment and then Rae continued, “And I been thinking o’ hurting myself again, but I don’t do that anymore, and I worry that I’m slipping and I hate how weak I am.  And like I basically abandoned me little sister and me mum.  And mum’s great and all, but she’s also sometimes a little forgetful, and I was helping her before and without me I dunno how they’ll all get on over there.”  There was another moment of silence.  “And I really need to be treating Jeff better… and stop being such a fucking slut.”  Rae felt a little puffed out, but her brain was already thinking of other things she should be doing better.

“Your expectations of yourself are a bit harsh don’t you think?”  Leandra said in the silence, arresting Rae’s quest to add to her list of things she needed to fix.

“No.”  Rae was bewildered that she was asking that.

“Ok.”  Leandra replied as if accepting what Rae had said.  “So who’s your best friend?”

“Chloe.”

“She stayed in Stamford?”

“Aye.”

“Near all your shared friends?  Your support network?”

“Yeah… So?”

“Well she hasn’t had such a big change as you.”

“Guess not.”  Rae agreed.

“So arguably, she’ll have a little more energy for reaching expectations?”  Leandra asked and Rae made a non-committal noise in the back of her throat.  “What are your expectations of her?”

“Well I want her to be happy.”  Rae said, “And for her to take care of herself and not push herself too much but still try and get decent marks.  And to make sure she watches the guys in her life like a hawk, cos a lot o’ ‘em are real scummy.” 

“Hm.”  Leandra said in a contemplative tone.  But Rae understood that tone.

“Yeah but it’s different with Chlo.”

“How so?”

“Chloe’s had a real hard time of it.”  Rae reasoned.

“And you haven’t?”

“Not like ‘er.”

“I wasn’t aware that suffering was a competition?”  Her tone was politely questioning and it put Rae on the back foot. 

“No it’s not, it’s just… “

“I think you really crack the whip on yourself Rae.”  Leandra said with an odd mixture of authority and deep compassion.  Rae stared at her in silence.  “I think you have very unreasonable expectations of yourself.”  She continued in the same tone, Rae continuing to stare at her, deep emotions beginning to well up into her chest.  “You expect to be a perfect person before you’re allowed to be loved, don’t you?”  Rae lowered her eyes.

“I don’t think that’s all that unreasonable; I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone.”  Her voice was soft, fragile, but stubborn.  Leandra nodded slowly.

“Has Chloe ever had a moment when she didn’t love herself?”

“Yes… she’s hated herself for most of her life.”  Rae answered.

“Ok, and has she ever treated herself badly?”

“Yeah a lot.”  Rae said.

“And has she felt unworthy of love?”

“Yeah.”

“And has she needed you?  Or relied on you?”

“Yeah.”  Rae answered, “Like I said, she had a real hard time of it… she kinda fell apart after… some guys were pretty shit to her.”  Rae defended Chloe’s need to not just take care of herself.

“And did you find her a burden?”  Leandra asked meaningfully.  “Did you think she didn’t deserve love as she fell apart and cried?”  She continued, “Did you think she was too broken to deserve your attention… didn’t deserve your love?”

“No, never.”  Rae answered immutably.

“So why are you unworthy of love in the same circumstances?”  Leandra asked, “You’ve both needed help.  Why is it ok for her, but not you?”

“I…”  Rae was about to snap back some sort of answer when her brain actually caught up with that question. There was a long silence.  “I don’t know.”  She whispered.

“You treat yourself like you are your worst enemy, like you have done some horrific thing to you and deserve no humane treatment.”  Leandra noted, “What did you do to yourself that was so terrible?”

“I… I hurt myself…”  The shame flooded her body again and she felt her face reddening, tears at the back of her eyes. 

“But is that the disease or a symptom of the disease?  Did you hurt yourself because you hated yourself… or do you hate yourself because you hurt yourself?”

“Both.”  Rae crossed her arms across her stomach; she felt like her emotions might physically tear out of her at any moment.

“So which came first?”

“Hate.”  Her voice sounded distant to her own ears.

“And why do you hate yourself?”

“I’m fat.”  Rae answered moodily, “And I got a whole lot o’ issues with me dad.”  Rae added.

“Hm.”  Leandra remained silent, her eyes calmly watching Rae.

“I went through this with me last therapist.”  Rae said defensively. 

“What did they tell you to do about the hate?”

“He told me to treat myself like a child.”  Rae answered, “Like 10 year old me, and soothe myself.”

“Good advice.”  Leandra said honestly.  “Do you think you’ve been doing that?” 

“No.”  Rae answered, her eyes lowered again.  Leandra considered her for a moment.

“You’re not a child.”  She noted and Rae nodded slowly, “And you know it.  And perhaps you see soothing yourself as something you don’t deserve because you’re trying so hard to be an adult, and soothing is for children.”

“Maybe.”  Rae said softly.

“Maybe you feel like a lost child because children often feel lost when placed somewhere an adult wouldn’t feel quite so lost, because adults have more experience with going to new places.”  Leandra said, “Maybe you feel lost because you think you’re supposed to feel lost, because on some level, you still think you’re a child  And because of that, you’re not sure of your own actions and decisions?”

“Maybe.”  Rae said. 

“Maybe,”  Leandra said gently, “you should start thinking of yourself as your best friend, instead of as a child version of yourself.”  Rae looked up at her, slightly taken aback by this.  Kester had given her that advice; to soothe herself like a child version of herself.  She didn’t know how she felt about discarding that advice.  “You’re not a child anymore Rae, and the childhood you lost to this self-hate is gone now and you cannot recover it.”  Rae felt a sudden sense of loss. 

“I want it back.  There’s so many things I wanna do again and get it right…”

“Would you be brave enough to make different decisions the second time around?”  Leandra asked as if genuinely curious. 

“No.”  Rae realised.  She felt deeply ashamed.

“That’s because you’re still the same girl that made those choices.”  Leandra told her, “So those choices were right for you then and still are right for the person you are now.”  Rae furrowed her brows.  “No one said that the choices that were right for us had to be perfect and pretty and always work out the way we expected.”  Leandra explained.  “And if you want to make different choices, you need to figure out what your expectations of yourself are.  And to do that, you need to start thinking a little differently.  You need to be honest about yourself to yourself; to see yourself as you actually are rather than through the lens of self-hate.  You cannot get fair expectations for yourself while you hate yourself.”

“How do I change the way I think?”  She asked sullenly, but with a hint of hope. 

“Be your own best mate.  Treat yourself like you would treat all those friends you have back home that you’re not talking to.”

“Not talk to myself?”  Rae shot sarcastically.

“Maybe you shouldn’t talk to yourself if you’ve got nothing nice to say.”  Leandra shot back.  “Basic manners we often afford strangers, but not ourselves.”  Rae’s mouth opened in the beginnings of understanding.  “Maybe you’re not talking to your friends because you think you have nothing nice to say to them, because you are not meeting your stern expectations?  Are you afraid they’ll think you’re failing?” 

“Yes.”  Rae said softly.  “And that they’ll be expecting that I’ve done so well… and they’ve done so well… and I’m here, just as mental as ever.”

“Well maybe they will think terrible things about you.”  Leandra said, “I doubt it, because they’re your friends, and most people aren’t really ever friends with people they actually hate.  But whatever they think, you can’t control that, and what they think about you or anything else is not your business.  You are not entitled to their private thoughts or feelings; even when they choose to share their thoughts and feelings with you, they still belong to them.  Don’t put your own feelings of self-hate onto them and strip them of their own thoughts and feelings in your eyes.”  Rae’s mouth opened with surprise.  “Their thoughts and feelings belong to them, and you can do nothing about them.  So why worry about them?  Why not focus on what belongs to you, on what you can do something about?”

“I guess… I guess some days I’m more mental than others.”

“Days are just days Rae.”  Leandra’s voice was so soothing and Rae felt herself nodding.  “But when you have those days where everything feels like it’s falling down around your ears, remember that your success rate for getting through those days has so far been 100% why would that change now?”

“Cos I always fuck up everything.”  Rae said.

“And yet here you are… having gotten through all of it.”  Leandra’s words had been such a simple sentence.  Such an obvious fact.  But they were a revelation to Rae.  “You’ve done it so far… what makes you think you can’t do this?”

“I dunno…”  Rae’s voice was more confused now.  Leandra could tell that she didn’t understand why she was doubting herself. 

“So tell me… when you have days when you’re more mental, do your friends support you perfectly every time?”

“No, but that’s alright.”  Rae shrugged.

“Because we’re all human, and we all make mistakes.  We all have moments where we do things that are not good, or that we are later ashamed of, or we could have done better.”

“Aye.”  Rae agreed. 

“And you forgive your friends their errors, because to err is human?”

“Nothing to forgive.”  Rae answered.

“So when they do harm to you there’s nothing to forgive, because we’re all human we all make mistakes…. But when you make a mistake or you harm yourself, you get the whip out and whip yourself down into the ground for making the mistake.” Leandra said.  “Are you not human?”

“No, I am…” 

“So forgive yourself for your bad days, just like you forgave your friends for theirs; as if there was nothing to forgive.”  Leandra advised, “Be your own friend.”

“I’ll try.”  Rae answered, this was a new idea to her, and she didn’t understand why this was so new.  It seemed so obvious. 

“Good enough.”  Leandra said with a huge genuine smile, “I want you to try and practice acts of self-compassion.  I want you to be kind to yourself.”  Leandra said and watched as Rae lowered her eyes, her brows furrowed, “Do you know what it would look like, if you were being kind to yourself?”

“No.”  Rae admitted, tears spilling from her eyes.

“You’ve been cruel to yourself for so long.”  Her voice was filled with compassion, “And it’s a long journey to unlearn years and years of habitual behaviour.”  Leandra’s voice was so reassuring, “And you’ve already come so far.  You don’t self-harm anymore, even when you really want to, because you understand that it won’t help and it’s just a savage act of cruelty against yourself that you don’t deserve.”  Rae nodded, “God Rae, take a moment to be proud of yourself for that.  What a huge accomplishment.  What a huge journey you’ve already been on.”

“Except…”  She lowered her eyes in shame, “Except after like nearly 2 years of not doing it, I did, just afore I started uni.”  Her eyes flashed up to Leandra, “But it were just once!” 

“Sometimes when things become difficult, we humans have a habit of returning to bad behaviours because it’s habitual.  The person who’s quit smoking will start up again, the person who no longer drinks will get drunk… But you didn’t restart your habitual behaviour, you almost did.  But you stopped yourself from doing that.  You did it once, and you stopped yourself from starting the habit back up again.  You should be proud of yourself.”

“Will I always go back to it when things get shitty?”

“For a while.”  Leandra answered honestly, “It’s what you’re used to.  So we’re going to work extra hard at getting you used to something else.”  Leandra got up and went to her desk.  She took something out of the drawer and held it in her hand.  Rae couldn’t see what it was.  “We’re going to get you used to being kind to yourself, especially when things get bad.”  Leandra said firmly, “it’s going to take some time to re-educate your brain, but I know we can do it.  Look at what you’ve done so far.”  Leandra held up what was in her hand; it was an elastic band.  “Until kindness to yourself becomes more natural to you than cruelty to yourself, I want you to wear this around your wrist.”  She got up and put it on Rae’s wrist and then she pulled it and let it snap back onto Rae’s skin.

“Ow!”  It didn’t really hurt, it just surprised her.

“Do that instead of whatever your other self harm rituals were, ok?”

“Yeah.”  Rae looked down at the elastic band in wonder. 

“Now then,” Leandra said as she sat down, “tell me about Jeff.”

“Oh… I think I’m using him for sex.”  Rae sounded ashamed.

“You seem ashamed?”

“It’s just so slutty innit?”

“No.”  Leandra answered simply.  “Is he happy with the arrangement?” 

“Seems to be.”

“And why are you using him for sex?”

“Cos he likes my body.”  Rae could feel the shame starting to burn in he face.

“And you don’t.”  Leandra leaned forward, “So in the midst of you being cruel to yourself and cracking the whip, you found a way to be kind to yourself.”  Rae looked up at her in confusion, “You found a lad that likes you for the exact reason that you hate you.”  Rae nodded, “We’re going to teach you to love your own body instead of requiring that love from someone else.”

“Not possible.”  Rae answered, “I can tolerate it… but I can never love it.”

“Ok.”  Leandra answered.  “I’d like you to treat you like your best friend, and your body like your car.”

“Car?”

“Yes.  It moves you around, gets you from point A to point B.  To do that it needs maintenance and quality fuel; it needs to be looked after to do the tasks it was designed for.”

“Alright.”  Rae nodded slowly. 

“That’s all you have to try with your body right now.” 

“I can do that.”  She looked down at herself, “My body is my car, and I am my best friend.”

“It’s not easy.”  Leandra said, “You have to police yourself constantly, you never get to have one minute of down time.  You must methodically and obsessively replace all the negative thoughts with either neutral ‘car’ thoughts, or positive ‘best friend’ thoughts.  And at first it’ll be hard and you’ll miss it often, and you won’t believe the thoughts you’re trying to place over the top of the negative thoughts.  But that’s only cos the negative thoughts are habitual like harming yourself physically also was.”

“I’ll create new habits.”  Rae understood.

“Better habits.” 

*

“But I mean Asian people aren’t known for being tall…?” Miranda was a tiny freckled woman with dark, tightly curled hair.  She carried herself like a woman who knew the meaning of life, but hadn’t quite figured it out yet and asking everyone questions would help with that. 

“And yet.”  Jeff answered, his eyes nervously returning to Rae who mouthed encouraging words to him.  She was so focussed on getting him through dealing with other people for this group project, that she didn’t have enough time to really feel her own anxiety.  But it was there, just bubbling under the surface, nagging her, questioning her every move: _is this what you’re supposed to be doing?  Are you getting it right?  Do you really know what you’re doing at all?_

“I heard that some of the tallest people in the world come from Asian countries.”  Louis said without looking up from the books.  He was also short, his Rwandan accent punctuating his expressive face and forming a kind of dance with his habit of moving his hands a lot when he spoke.  He was the oldest student at the table, clocking in at 22.  He looked up from his book, “Height’s genetic.  Is your father tall?”  Jeff blew a lock of his long shaggy hair off his face and Rae watched him try and fail at not turning to look at her for reassurance before he spoke.

“My father is a teeny tiny man.”  Jeff answered relatively calmly.  Rae put her hand on his thigh to calm him; he’d told her it was unexpectedly soothing.  She watched him subtly take a few deep breaths.  These past few weeks had seen Jeff slowly peek out from his shell, but he was still very unsure.  But Rae was always there to encourage him.  “5 foot 2 inches.”  He added, sounding almost calm.

“Bloody hell.”  Miranda shook her head.  “And your mum??”

“5 foot 4.”

“How the hell did they produce you?”  Miranda looked completely amazed.  “What are you 6 foot 6?”

“6 foot 8.”  Jeff answered and lowered his eyes.  His height, coupled with his race made him particularly visible.  He hated it. 

“How?”  Louis asked and Miranda was still shaking her head.

“My grandfather was 7 foot 9.”  Jeff said and Miranda and Louis made noises of understanding, “He was the second tallest man in China when he was alive.” 

“Did he like pumpkin?”  Rae asked and Jeff started to chuckle. 

“No.”  He answered.  “I don’t think so anyway.  He died on the boat trip over here.” 

“Were you refugees?”  Miranda asked, a look of deep compassion on her face.  “Louis’s family were refugees.”  She gently took Louis’s hand.  He gave a small smile; she meant well. 

“No.”  Jeff said, “They were migrants, and they had a boat trip over here and he had a heart attack on the boat.  He never saw their new home.”  Jeff fidgeted with his nails and Rae kept a close eye on him.  “My grandmother had to start a life in Scotland with her son, my father, completely alone.  Tough woman.”  He smiled fondly.  His grandmother was the one that had seen to his schooling for the past three years.  “Was being a refugee as fucked up as they say it is?”

“Yes.”  Louis answered with a stoic face.  He very obviously didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Did you flee before or after the Tutsi genocide?”  Miranda asked.

“During.”  He took a deep breath. 

“That was only what… 4 years ago…?”  Rae realised how close that trauma must still be to his heart and mind.  It probably always would be, but at least more time might numb it slightly.  Louis nodded.  Rae wondered if he was seeing a psychologist for the trauma he must have been through.  She realised that he had been her current age when he had been forced to flee his country; his neighbours taking up arms against his people, cutting them to shreds with machetes, bodies piled high in the streets. 

“We lost just over half of my family.”  His voice was soft, his eyes slightly unfocussed as if he was seeing something that wasn’t there with them in the library.  Rae watched and marvelled as he pulled himself back together.  “We need more papers on genetics and sex determination.”  Louis said brusquely and got up.  Miranda agreed with a sigh and they both disappeared into the stacks.  Their group project was on sex and gender, and Miranda had been keen to focus on trans issues in particular.  Rae and Jeff watched them go.

“I think Miranda has a thing for Louis.”  Rae said, still sometimes forgetting to pronounce Louis’s name in the French way; loo-wee, rather than loo-wis, like she was used to. 

“Aye.”  Jeff agreed.

“How are ya doing, my wee bonny lad?”  She teased his accent.

“I think I’m doing ok.  What d’you think?”

“I think-”  She stopped as she saw Katie Springer come into view.  Rae could feel her whole demeanour harden as she watched Katie looking through the books on the shelf.  Jeff looked over his shoulder at the girl Rae was glaring at.  Rae watched Katie look up and see her.  Her eyes went from Rae to Jeff.  She gave a slight smile, snapped shut the book she’d been looking at and walked towards the counter to borrow the book, Rae glaring at her the whole way. 

When Rae turned back to Jeff he was giving her a curious expression.  But Rae looked down at their notes. 

“We should get some info on Stonewall.”  She mused.

“Ok.”  Jeff got up and headed out to the stacks.  Rae looked back over her shoulder at Katie about to leave the library.  She looked over at Rae, paused, grinned, and then blew her a kiss before leaving.

*

_Dear Diary_

_I have a sick kind of nostalgia._

_I long to be near him again._

_I miss the way his hands felt on me.  I miss the way he kissed me._

_And then I am stopped short remembering that those lips of his have been on her lips too._

_Why did she have to be so much prettier than me?_

_And why can’t I stop loving him?_

_This idea that it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all is complete rubbish._

_How can I ever cope with this loss?_

_I really sometimes wish that I’d never loved him at all._

_That I’d never known what it was to be held like that._

_Cos now all I can do is stare at the ceiling, remembering how it felt._

_And miss him._

*

Rae finished up her Christmas emails to everyone.  She was still surprised at how many people were staying in the dorms at Christmas.  They were having a huge roast meal together tonight, and they’d done a secret Santa.  She’d gotten Rhianna, a loud, proud lesbian who loved everything girl power.  A Spice Girls pencil case and tin lunchbox was Rae’s choices.  The first term had been three months of classes, anxiety, and slow realisation that she was coping.  And she had made new friends, Jeff, of course, Miranda, Louis, everyone in her dorm really. 

She read over Chloe’s last email; she was happy, having a good time being single at the moment, studying hard and hanging out with Archie a lot.  But she made it clear that she missed Rae.  Rae ached to see Chloe.  But she just didn’t have the money to head back to Stamford right now.  She still didn’t have a job.  She opened Finn’s last email and read it again.

_Hey girl._

_Nah I told Chop he were wrong for not asking Izzy sooner, but you can’t tell Chop nothing.  I gotta help them move Izzy in to Chop’s after New Years._

_Do you think you’ll come back for X-mas?  Everyone’d be right chuffed to see ya.  And you could see how me apartment’s going.  I rearranged it heaps since you was last here; you’ll barely recognise the place._

_Aye I’ve been looking after Danny… well Chop mostly has, but I still keep an eye on him, like ya said to.  Especially when we go out to the Swan.  He’s quite the ladies man, you know?_

_Archie got a job and he’s always whinging about how much he hates it.  I bet he wishes you were here cos I think you had more patience for listening to this stuff than I do._

_I haven’t been up to much.  Just working.  Paying bills.  Usual things._

_I really hope uni’s being good to ya, and you’re not leaving everyone else too far behind ya, choking in ya dust.  You’re toooooo brilliant girl._

_What else have you been up to?  Tell me everything._

_Anyway, this is getting long and I still don’t like these fucking machines._

_Laters_

_Finn_

_xo_

She’d already replied to him.  Like him, she spoke in vague general terms about what she’d been up to, failing to mention Jeff, or any of her friends.  It just didn’t feel right talking to him intimately anymore; that was something they didn’t have anymore.  And it left a cold ache in her chest when she let herself think about it. 

She hovered her mouse over the delete button and shook her head.

“Not yet.”  She told her inbox.

She got up and headed out of the computer labs.  It was bitterly cold outside and she wrapped her clothes around her tightly as she walked briskly to her ‘home.’ 

“Excuse me Ma’am, I’m lost, and I was hoping you could help me.”  She heard a familiar accent and turned, expecting to see Louis and ready to tell him not to call her Ma’am.  But it wasn’t Louis.  The resemblance was so strong that Rae almost swore that it was Louis, except this man was just shorter than Rae, rather than quite a bit shorter than her like Louis was.  He was stockily built like Louis, his eyes were deep, dark and divine, filled with both light and an understanding of things Rae would never know about.  Exactly like Louis’s.

“You have to be related to Louis.”  Rae said and he nodded.

“I am his brother, Pierre.”  He held out his hand and Rae shook it, neither of them breaking eye contact.  They stood, slowly shaking hands, not breaking eye contact, in complete silence for a moment.  “And what is your name, uw’igikundiro?”

“Um… Rae… what did you just say?”  Rae giggled and then stopped up short; she didn’t giggle like that. 

“Just something in my language.  Is that short for Rachel?”

“Aye.”  Rae answered, liking the way his accent made her name sound, “What is your language?”

“I have 3; Kinyarwanda, French and English.”

“Wow…”

“That was in Kinyarwanda.”  His smile was captivating.  Rae suddenly realised that they were still holding hands. 

“Sorry.”  She dropped her hand.

“No I did not mind Rachel.”  He answered with a genuine smile.  She didn’t even tell him to just call her Rae;  She enjoyed the way he said her name far too much. 

“So…. So I assume you’re here to see Louis.  For Christmas?”

“Yes.”  He answered. 

“I’ll take you there.”

“Will you be there?”

“Yep.”  Rae answered and motioned for him to come with her. 

The walk to the dormitory had seemed so short; Pierre was a wonderfully expressive speaker, much like his brother.  She learned that they were twins, that Pierre intended to go to university when Louis had finished; the family could only afford to send one person at a time, and that while Louis was very Christian, Pierre’s faith had lapsed.  It had been quite a deep conversation, over too soon.  It seemed like they had known each other for years; they just talked so easily. 

When they got to the table in the common room, everyone was bringing food to the table.  There was a loud, cheery vibe in the room, and lots of people had invited a partner or family member to come along.  Over half of the people in the dorm had stayed over the winter break; and they’d been having a lot of fun.  Yesterday they’d played hide and seek across the whole dorm.  And two days before they’d had a dorm bock party; everyone was invited and there had been loud music, a lot of alcohol and a lot of making out with complete strangers. 

Rae had been happily surprised when her secret Santa gift was A 30 quid gift voucher for the local music store.  And Rhianna had loved her gift, of course. 

It was a wonderful Christmas dinner, filled with laughter and dirty jokes and glances across the table at Pierre. 

After dinner Pierre had sat next to her and they had talk for hours and hours.  It was like they’d known each other for years; the conversation flowed so easily.  He loved music and actually knew more than her about music because he had a deep knowledge of music on the African continent, both old and new, especially the central eastern section.  He got her jokes, he seemed to like the way she expressed herself, he looked at her like she was a delight to listen to, like she was intensely interesting to him.  He made her feel important.

When Pierre left for the night he kissed the back of Rae’s hand and told her he hoped he got to see her again.  She gave him her email address and told him to write.  He promised he would.

Rae woke up the next morning with Jeff in her bed, snuggling up to her happily.  She snuggled back up to his warm, naked body and fell back asleep. 

*

Rae stopped in the middle of the library and stared, her eyes narrowing in anger. 

She was sitting with her body turned towards Jeff, a laugh on her lips, her hand moving from her chest down to his arm in an obvious attempt at flirtation. 

Rae felt a pang of doubt and self-hate in her chest.  She was beautiful.  Of course Finn wanted her.  Of course Jeff did too.

Rae’s fingers curled in and she felt the sharp stab of one of her nails stabbing underneath one of her other nails; an old familiar pain that calmed her.  But this time it made her heartbeat speed up and she looked down at her hands in horror. 

“No more.”  She whispered to herself and forced her hands open with the sheer force of her will.  She was determined not to harm herself anymore.  In the past, like Jeff, she could pick at her fingers and nails until she bled.  Not today.  She saw the elastic band around her wrist and pulled it back, snapping it against the tender skin of her inner wrist.  It was a mild sting, but it somehow calmed her.  This wouldn’t hurt her in the same way that other acts of self-harm did.  She couldn’t accidentally kill herself slicing too deep, she wasn’t pulling or rubbing parts of herself off, she wasn’t burning herself so that blisters would form and break and weep for weeks after.  It hurt a little and it wasn’t going to do permanent damage. 

Rae took a deep breath and looked down at her trembling hands.  This was the hardest thing she’d ever done.  Stopping herself midway through self-harming.  She didn’t know how many times she could keep doing it; she didn’t know if she was strong enough.  She hoped that Leandra was right; that it would start to come naturally.  She pulled the rubber band back even further and let it go.

Blessed relief.

She took a few deep breaths and walked over to Katie and Jeff. 

“Well slag, he’s not my boyfriend, so he’s prob’ly not gonna fuck ya.”  Rae said as she sat down opposite them.  Jeff looked over at her with a concerned expression, anxiety starting to hit him; Rae seemed upset. 

“Nice to see you too.”  Katie answered with a knowing smirk, “He’s not your boyfriend but you still felt the need to come and tell me to back off.”

“By all means Katie, spread your legs for him.  See if he takes the bait.”  Rae sounded a lot more confident and braver than she truly felt. 

“Wait…” Jeff held his hand up to Katie and looked over at Rae with a searching expression.  Rae kept her chin jutted, trying to look unapologetic, unconcerned, unaffected… Jeff turned back to Katie, “Rae’s my best friend, if you did anything to hurt her, I want nothing to do with you.”  Jeff turned away from her, focussing his attention on Rae’s face.  Rae noticed that his hands weren’t shaking and she realised with a growing sense of gratitude that he wasn’t anxious or unsure about what he had just said.  Rae realised that it was probably one of the few things that Jeff felt no anxiety about and she reached across the table to him.  He took her hand, a huge grin on his face.  Rae understood that they’d both had huge victories today. 

Katie scoffed as if unimpressed, rolled her eyes and stood up.

“Whatever.”  She shook her head and left. 

“Can’t leave ya alone for five minutes afore the vultures are circling!”  Rae said and Jeff shook his head with a self-deprecating expression on his face. 

“She weren’t flirting Rae.”

“That girl could flirt with a literal pile of garbage Jeff.”  Rae said, “And you a marginally better than that.”

“Good to know.”  He laughed at her joke. 

“But you know, if you wanna go with another girl, you can.  We’re not-”

“I know.”  Jeff answered.  “But I won’t lose you for some other girl Rae.”  He answered honestly, “You’re my best friend.  And you know… I’m not exactly missing out on any of the relationship type things.”  He gave her a smutty grin.  Rae laughed and nodded.

“Well we do seem to have each other covered.”  Rae agreed.

“So you know, any girl I get with is gonna have to understand that you’re real important to me.  Ideally, she’ll love ya as much as I do, lass.” 

“God, good luck finding her!”  Rae laughed.  “And look at ya; you’ve barely known me 9 months and you’re already declaring your love!”

*

_Dear Rachel,_

_I am writing, as promised, from Bath._

_Which is only 30 minutes away.  I would visit more often, but unfortunately, with my father not working, and Louis no longer working, I am the only source of income for a family of 10.  But when my father and uncle return to work, I will be able to afford the time and money to visit more regularly, and if my aunt works as well, we shall be well-off!_

_I do hope to be visiting more often soon; we have so much to talk about and I am wanting to see you smile again._

_You asked me about music from my East Africa, and I wanted to direct your lovely attention to Jua Cali, who has just started rapping out of Nairobi, I have some bootleg copies of his work I can lend you if you like?  Also check out Fela Kuti, he’s a lot of fun **. **Youssou N’Dour is one of my favourite artists.  Miriam Makeba is a legend and so is Yvonne Chaka Chaka.  Angélique Kidjo is another lady worth looking in to.  There’s an artist called Nameless that is starting to make waves in Kenya, he won a competition, apparently when he was entering he couldn’t think of a name for his act, so he just put in Nameless!****_

**_That’s just a few to get you started; I don’t wish to put too many in, as I know you have a lot of school work to do.  Although, I did not ask you what you are studying at university!  I feel quite rude, and confused that this never came up in our long conversation!  So_ ** _uw’igikundiro, what is it that you are studying?_

_I was thinking about your desire to write novels, and my mother told me that the best tales always have an element of truth in them, and that they are always more poignant when they have cost the writer.  She meant that it is best if the writer has some sort of deep emotional connection to what they are writing.  This can come from it being a personal story, or from loving the characters you create or something like that.  I personally know nothing about writing, but I thought I should pass on the words of another wise woman to you.  I am sure that you already know these things, but in case you do not, here they are._

_Have you heard of the band Muse?  I quite like them, and I wish to infect you with my love of them!_

_I was wondering about your philosophy of ‘people can either accept you as you are or they can fuck off’ I wish to take this on as my own mantra, unfortunately I do wonder, what if they have a valid criticism of you?  I wonder how I can better myself if I can not accept valid criticism?  I am sure I am missing something obvious, perhaps a cultural difference._

_I took your advice about taking a white male friend with me to the mechanic about my car trouble, and even though my friend knows less about cars than I do, the offered price for the work to be done, was still much better.  Perhaps there was a presumption there?  Or a kinship amongst white people?  Thank you for that._

_I have already written for too long!  I do not wish to provide too much of a distraction from your studies, although I do hope I divert you in some small way._

_I look forward to reading your reply (do not rush, I understand how busy you are)_

_Sincerely_

_Pierre Bagosora_

Rae grinned at the letter and instantly started to type a reply.

_Dear Pierre,_

_You’re so formal!  I fucking love it!_

Her cheeks were almost hurting from her grinning by the time she’d finished her lengthy email. 

She sent it and re-read his email, shaking her head, but still grinning. 

She didn’t delete his message before she shut down the computer and turned to her readings. 

*

Rae rocked back and forth, hugging herself tightly, crying, her head jammed into the corner of the shower, desperately trying not to turn the temperature of the shower up. 

She tried to cry as softly as she could.

The pressure was killing her.

It didn’t matter how much she studied, she knew - KNEW - She was going to fail her exams.  And then this entire year would have been for nothing. 

And then all this pain; losing Finn, being away from Chloe and Archie… it would have been for nothing. 

She couldn’t stop herself from sobbing.  She clasped her hands over her mouth.  Shared showers meant crying as silently as possible.

She’d heard people crying in here many times.  She’d tried to comfort some of them, but they mostly didn’t wanna talk.  She’d also heard far too much sex in here… might have had some with Jeff in here too…

But there was no one in here now.  It was midnight on a Friday night and everyone was cramming for the end of year exams that started on Monday. 

She’d been like this when the end of semester exams had come up 6 months ago, and somehow she had pulled herself through it.  But now she was exhausted after a year of trying, and studying and emotional turmoil and missing her friends… and fighting her mental illness every day.  Fighting her own head, fighting herself every day was so tiring.  She honestly didn’t know how she could keep going.

She put her hand on the cold water tap, but managed to stop herself from turning it off so that only the hot water would stream down on her back. 

She stood there, panting, tears on her cheeks, her hand on the tap, fighting with everything she had.

And then something Leandra had said to her at their first session returned to Rae: her success rate at getting through these days was 100%.  Since she had been in Bristol she had not self-harmed once.  Almost, but always she stopped herself.  She was succeeding…

Somehow knowing, remembering that she had gotten through this every time this year, gave her a small boost of confidence.  And it was just enough to allow her to slowly take her shaking hand off the tap.  She wrapped her arms around herself, her strength giving way, she slipped to her knees, crying, her head still wedged into the corner. 

“I did it.”  She tried to whisper it to herself.  Somehow Bristol was going to become a talisman; a special place in which self-harm didn’t happen.  At least not for her. 

After a few minutes of weeping in the corner, on her knees, the door to the shower block opened, and Rae again clasped her hands over her mouth.  She fought to get her feelings under control and took a few deep, silent, breaths and slowly, shakily, got to her feet.  She stood in silence for a moment, listening to the other person go into a cubicle and lock the door, the shower starting moments later.

Another thing Leandra had taught her was to do nice things for herself, especially after she had won a battle with her self-harming urges.  So Rae went over to the little alcove in her shower cubicle near the locked door, where she had left her towel, clothes and toiletries bag.  She opened up her toiletries bag; a huge monstrosity in pink and orange that Danny had bought her as a going away gift.  She loved it.  Right at the bottom of it were 4 bottles that she had refused to open; a gift from Chloe.  Rae pulled them out and lined them up: shampoo, conditioner, body gel, moisturiser.  She picked up the shampoo, her hands still shaking and read the labels. 

“Luxurious, handmade, cocoa butter and vanilla…”  She murmured to herself, “Organic, environmentally friendly, animal cruelty free, fair-trade, slavery-free… There’s still slavery?”  Rae turned the bottle over and read the back.  It detailed how chocolate was often produced using slave labour, and the damaging effects of shampoos etc on the environment and the horrors of animal testing, then talked about what they were doing differently.  “Bloody hell.”  She whispered as she finished reading it all.  She was so focused on the small print on the back of the big bottle that her mind slowly let go of her anxiety.  She hadn’t wanted to use this extremely expensive looking gift for so many reasons: they were obviously pricey, they were a little piece of Chloe and she didn’t want them to run out, and she didn’t think she deserved this kind of luxury, she felt guilty that Chloe had spent this money on her. 

Rae pushed that thought aside ad opened the shampoo.  Instantly she was hit with a delicious smell of rich chocolate and vanilla.  She went back to the water and slowly shampooed her hair, making herself take time to really enjoy the smell and silky feel of the shampoo.  She was enjoying the head massage, the smell, the feeling of actually being nice to herself, taking care of herself… she regretted having to rinse out the shampoo.  But she knew she still had three steps left so she excitedly went over to the conditioner and cracked it open.  The same smell with a hint of raspberry.  She carefully conditioned her hair and used a plastic jaw hair clip to hold her hair up in a bun to let the conditioner really soak in.  She grabbed the body wash, genuinely beginning to feel a bit better now.  She was still shaky, still a little anxious, still unsure that she deserved this kind of luxury or self-care… but it still somehow made her feel a bit better. 

She washed her body, taking care to spread the glorious cocoa butter, vanilla, wheatgrass and sandalwood gel all over her body.  It was heaven.  It smelled good enough to eat.  She smelled good enough to eat!  She’d have to tell Chloe what a great present this had been.  

Rae rinsed the conditioner out, feeling a little lighter inside, like some weight had been lifted off her.  it was odd.  This small act of kindness for herself had meant so much.

She dried off and applied the cocoa butter, coconut oil, jojoba, chocolate truffle moisturiser.  She slipped her pyjamas on and put her gift back into her toiletries bag reverently before gathering everything and heading back to her room.

When she got to her room she noticed that Jeff’s door was closed.  He never closed his door unless he was sleeping or getting dressed.  Neither of them ever closed their doors now, unless they were getting dressed or sleeping.  And they never locked their doors unless they were going to be away from the dormitory for a long while.  She looked at his door thoughtfully.  The light was on; she could see it under his door. 

Rae wondered if he had picked up as she went into her room.  She almost scoffed at the thought.  Jeff was a very good looking lad, but he wasn’t the most confident of people.  She knew he wouldn’t be getting changed this late at night.  Her brows furrowed as she put her things away.  She had been slowly getting better at keeping her room clean, and the way she did that was by putting things away as soon as she had finished using them.  It helped. 

She looked over at Jeff’s closed door. 

She felt disturbed by the pine-coloured, blank board of wood staring back at her. 

Rae got up, without thinking and went to his door.  She knew she should give him his privacy, but she just felt weird about him closing his door like this; it wasn’t like him. 

She opened his door to see him sitting cross legged on the floor.  Like he often did.  But there was a big difference, one that took Rae a few seconds to catch up with.  One of his feet was on top of his knee, painfully twisted so the sole was facing the ceiling.  And it was bleeding.  And Jeff was stopped, frozen halfway through the act of dragging the knife along his foot, slicing a fresh red stripe into his flesh. 

Rae froze, her mouth opened in grief and horror, her eyes glued to the blood.  She had forgotten how much relief she got when she saw the blood. 

There was a powerful pull from deep within herself; an urge to sit beside him, take his knife and cut beautiful patterns into her thighs…

She was frozen, fighting the urge, trying to find a reason not to do it, when her brain finally kicked in.

 _She had forgotten the relief the blood gave her._   That feeling rolled around in her head and she realised what that meant.  It meant that she could get by without it.  She could forget all the reasons why self-harm seemed to help.  She could cope without it… she had obviously found other coping strategies, although she wasn’t quite sure what they were.  But it didn’t matter; she knew she could get by without this.  She went to Jeff, his eyes on her, deep shame emanating from his whole being, and knelt before him.  Very gently, millimetre by millimetre, she reached over and put her hand over his.  She looked at his foot, puckered and scarred with every time he’d felt the need to do this to himself.  She felt that deep grief for him again; that he could feel so much pain and hatred for himself.  He didn’t deserve this. 

No one did. 

Rae sat with that realisation for a moment before slowly edging the knife away from his foot, her eyes never leaving his shame filled eyes.  Once she had the knife she put it behind her, out of his sight and rested her hand gently on his foot, not touching the cuts.  She looked at his foot again, just the two new cuts; it had obviously been a while since he had done this.  She looked back up at him but his eyes were lowered.

“There’s no need to be ashamed Jeff.”  She said softly, but he shook his head slowly.  “I know sometimes it don’t seem like there’s any other way.”  He kept his eyes lowered.  “You saw my thigh scars.”

“Aye.”  His voice was choked with tears.

“It’s why you didn’t even pause when we first fucked and you saw ‘em…”  She realised.  He had known exactly what they were.  “Why the feet?  Cos you can hide ‘em better?”  She answered her own question.

“So I can feel pain with every step I take.”  She saw a tear drop from his cheek and was overwhelmed with her grief for him.  She swept him up into her arms and he clung to her tightly, his strong arms nearly crushing the breath out of her.  But she didn’t tell him to loosen his grip, she held him as tight as she could in response. 

“You don’t deserve that…”  Rae whispered to him as he cried in her arms, “Neither of us deserve all this pain.”  She realised for the first time what she had really been doing to herself, the hatred she had reigned down on herself and the damage she had done to herself.  And just how much she didn’t deserve it.   

“It’s just… I get so anxious and I can’t…”  He sniffled, “I just can’t Rae.”

“You anxious about exams?”  Rae asked gently. 

“Aye… This matters so much to me parents and me granny.  I cannae stand the idea that I’d let ‘er down…” 

“You won’t.”  Rae answered, “Even if you failed, you’d still be her grandson that she loves.  And you been getting good marks.”  She told him soothingly, “Did you hurt yourself during the last exams?”

“I managed not to cos…”   He looked up at her, “I haven’t done it since I met you cos I felt like ye was watching over me.”  Rae watched him lower his eyes, “I must be such a burden to you.”  Rae had a clear understanding of Jeff at that moment.  Almost like she was sitting in his chest re-feeling all those feelings she’d felt with the gang.

“Oh Jeff.”  She whispered and stroked his face, “You’re not a burden.”  She told him, “I’ve only gotten through this year cos o’ you.”  She told him.

“Really?”

“I love you, you fucking dickhead.”  She told him and kissed his lips gently, “You matter to me lad.  I care about ya.  You are never a burden to me.  And anyone who thinks of ya as a burden, don’t deserve ya!”  Rae felt as if a huge chunk of poison had been ripped out of her chest the moment those words were out of her mouth.  She knew now just how much Katie’s words about her being a burden had clung to her.  Mostly because it was how she had felt all of her life.  A burden to her mother, to the doctors at hospital, to Kester, to her friends… to herself.  “I know it’s easier said than done.”  She said, “But don’t think like that Jeff.”  She stroked his face, “And being anxious about exams is normal but…”  She shook her head slowly, “No amount of anxiety will change what’s gonna happen.  Study will, being well rested will, anxiety won’t.”  She told him firmly; saying the words to herself as much as she was saying them to him, “I know it’s never that easy, but you just gotta fight it every time it comes up.  When I first started talking to my anxiety, telling it that it was a waste of my time and energy, that it was never gonna give me anything worthwhile… it didn’t make a difference.”  She said honestly, “but I kept doing it cos Kester told me that that was the only way to deal with this stuff, to keep telling yourself the things you needed to hear over and over again.  To self-soothe.”  She felt an ache in her heart for Kester.  She wondered where he was, where he was going and what he was doing.  “Leandra told me to layer my positive mantras over the top of all the negativity.  That when anxiety comes, knock it back every time.  When I think I’m shit, every time I gotta say no.”  She said with a determined voice.  “Every.  Fucking.  Time.  Until I believe it.”

“Sounds exhausting.”  Jeff answered.

“Not as exhausting as hating myself so much that I…”  She ran a finger along one of his scars and his eyebrows furrowed with pain and shame.  But she reached up and ran her fingers along his worry lines until his forehead smoothed out, his eyes closing. 

“Who’s Kester… and Leandra?”  He asked, wanting to shift the focus off himself.

“I spent a lot o’ time in therapy.”  Rae answered.  “Kester was me first therapist… and I spent so much time getting out all that raw emotion with him, that I don’t think I really took in all the things he was saying about how to get better…”  She gave a small smile, “But I got Leandra now, and I’m ready to hear everything she’s saying about that.  She says that getting better is like learning anything else, like playing guitar or learning to drive.  It’s all about repetition.  You keep doing it and going over it until the good habits replace the bad ones.”  She took off the elastic band around her wrist and put it on his, “Flick this when you wanna self harm.”  She showed him and he looked up at her with concern, “I got a whole bag of elastics band in me room, it’s alright.”  She reassured him as she reached over to his pile of pens beside his study books.  She found a red pen and slowly drew a pen line across the top of Jeff’s foot.  “If you’re like me… the visual helps.”  She said, watching the way Jeff looked at the line; he looked calmed by it.  He nodded slowly.  “Draw instead o’ cut alright?”  Leandra had told her about this technique, but she hadn’t had to use.  She’d forgotten how the cuts looked.  She’d probably have to start using it now.

“Aye.”  He answered slowly, his eyes not leaving the line she’d drawn. 

“See, I got some techniques now, that actually help.”  She handed the pen to him, “Now it’s all just putting in the effort… which is much easier said than done.  Sometimes there’s just not enough energy left in me to do it.  So you just gotta do as much as you can towards getting better everyday, alright?”  She asked him and he nodded again, his eyes returning to her face, “I wake up every day and make the choice that I am going to continue my journey towards recovering from this.  Even if I can only take one tiny step today… even if I can only stop myself from going backwards... even if it’s just making up lost ground from where I fell back into it.  I promise myself every morning that I will try as hard as I possibly can today.  I want you to promise me that you’ll do the same.  Just commit to one day at a time.”

“But I’m useless Rae… I can’t even make a decision for myself!”

“Jeff…”

“No it’s true… For the last 3 years I was home-schooled cos I was too anxious to leave the house.”  He didn’t want her to see how pathetic he was, but he also needed her to see how he couldn’t be as brave and strong as she was.  He’d never be like her.  “Mum decided that coming to uni would be good for me and sent me here.  It’s only you that gets me through.”  He confessed.

“No Jeff.”  Rae answered firmly, “You get you through.  Just because you’re using me as your reason to get through, it doesn’t take away from the fact that you’re still the one doing it all!”  She suddenly realised that she had felt a little like this with Finn.  She had felt like she was only any good, only worth something, could only be mentally healthy, because she had Finn.  But now she was starting to realise that that really wasn’t true.  “You have made the decision to stay here, every, single, day.”  She said meaningfully, “It might feel like you have no choice, but really, you know that you do have a choice… it’s just that you prefer feeling this anxiety to letting your parents down.  But that’s still a choice.  It’s you Jeff.  You’re in control, you just don’t realise it.”

“I don’t know how I’d get by without you Rae.”  He stroked her face.

“Jeff, listen to me… Everything you need to hear, you can tell yourself, you know that right?”  She said, “Everything you think you get from me, is inside of you.  You just don’t know it yet.”  She squeezed his hand, “But you will know it, cos you got this babe.  You can do this.  And I’m here for you, either way.”  She stood up and held her hand out to him, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”  He nodded and stood up, she could tell he was holding in the wince as they started to walk towards the kitchen, where the medical kit was kept. 

And then Rae was suddenly struck with clarity.  This is why Leandra had told her to treat herself like her best friend.  Cos she was more than capable of treating other people with the kindness and compassion she struggled to give herself.

It was time to start giving herself the love she needed and deserved.

*

_Dear Diary_

_Leandra told me an interesting thing today, something that I think is gonna help me a lot._

_She said to think of _positivity and negativity as fires.__

_Negativity is the kind of fire that burns you down and destroys everything._

_Positivity is the kind of fire that gives you warmth and light and life._

_Fire needs oxygen to survive._

_Don't give negativity any oxygen.  But feed the positivity as much oxygen as you can._

_I really think this is gonna help me as I try to layer my positive thoughts down over the top of my negative ones.  I’ll think of it as smothering a toxic fire and lighting a good one in it’s place._

_I’ll remind myself to not give the negative any oxygen.  It don’t deserve it._

_And I deserve all the stuff that a good positive fire can give me._

*

She was met at the train station by Chloe, who nearly knocked her off her feet, throwing her arms around her neck.  Rae hugged her back fiercely tight.

“I’ve missed you.”  Chloe was saying through tears.

“I missed you too.”  Rae answered, equally as choked up.

A wonderfully long lunch with a lot of booze and a year’s worth of catching up followed.  Rae was glad that she had told the rest of the gang that she was getting back to Stamford tomorrow.  Rae’s mum had sent her some money for a hotel during this visit.  And next year she was changing dormitories.  The dorms changed every year, but it was sad to think of not having all those people in with her next year.  But next year they were moving to the ‘apartment style’ dorms.  They were more expensive, but her mum had gotten a job in Tunisia and her and Karim were fairly comfortable.  The apartment dormitories were set up like any apartment block.  Each apartment had four bedrooms, a shared bathroom, kitchen, laundry and lounge room.  There were dozens and dozens of apartments per floor in each dormitory and each floor had a big common room as well that everyone could go to.  It was a slightly longer walk to uni, but a shorter walk to their cafeteria, where her ‘three-meals-a-day’ meal plan would be served up.  She was moving in with Louis, Miranda and Jeff. 

Rae was looking forward to heading back to her second year of uni.  But she was even more excited by having a few really good weeks with the gang.

When she finally got to spend time with them all it was wonderful how much they had all changed and yet stayed the same.  Things were still stilted with Finn, but that was to be expected she supposed.  They seemed to be able to email, but not able to talk face to face properly.  Rae had a feeling that over time they might grow back into being friends.  But all the tears shed and long rambling diary entries over him and his stupid face and what he did could not be forgotten.  It was sad, but now when she saw him, she didn’t see her Finn, she saw Katie.

On her last night in Stamford they all went out for a blinder.  But within 15 minutes of being at the pub a pretty decent looking lad was chatting Rae up.  At first she ignored him, focussing on her friends.  But Finn, Chop and Izzy were drinking much harder than Chloe, Archie or herself, and it was looking like the night was going to end up being a waste of dealing with vomiting friends.  Archie started to hassle Finn to drink less, sensing the same predicament that Rae had.  Finn was drinking far heavier than the rest of them. 

The flirty guy started to look a lot more inviting to Rae when Chloe started to get chatted up by another guy and Archie had to take Finn home. 

Rae ended up taking the guy back to her hotel room.  Luckily he had a condom in his wallet, because Rae had not been planning for this. 

Nor had she been planning for how frenetic he was; ordering her into new positions every 5 minutes, telling her what he was doing as he was doing it, talking himself through what a champion he was and constantly asking her if she liked it.  She just wished he’d shut up for one single second.  Even when she went down on him he gave a running commentary on the action. 

“Oh yeah baby, suck that dick.  Look at your mouth, look at those fucking lips, sliding down my fat cock.  Yeah you cock sucking slut.  Yeah you’re fucking hot.  Yeah suck my dick…”  it never stopped.  “Yeah look at my cock sliding into that wet pussy.  Yeah it feels so good baby.  D’you like that?  Of course you fucking like, I fuck like a beast!  You love my big cock ripping you a new one, don’t ya?”  Rae pushed his face down to her vagina, hoping he was good at a different type of oral.  “Oh I don’t usually go down on birds.”  He scrunched up his nose.  “Pussies are for fucking.”

“I went down on you!”

“Yeah well I s’pose if you’re gonna be pissy about it I can give it a go for ya.”  He said and dove in without another word from Rae.  He licked too hard, too fast, too eagerly, but at least he was quiet… for small snippets of time.  “Yeah look at me licking this bitch’s pussy.”  He murmured and then licked again, “Look at that pretty pink pussy.”  He licked again, “You like that?  Yeah you like it, I eat cunt like a fucking champion.”

“Oh my god…”  Rae rolled her eyes in frustration. 

“Yeah you LOVE it!”  He licked again.  And after less than 2 minutes of licking and making a commentary about it, he was back to shoving his dick in her.  Rae decided to just lay back and let him finish.  It took him 30 minutes to finish because every time he got close he’d order her into a new position.  “That was fucking brilliant!”  He told her, “You’re a top bird.  Give me call.”  He left a card with his number on it before he got dressed and left.  Thankfully without demanding a shower.  More time with him might have resulted in Rae ripping his tongue out. 

She looked at the door he had just left through and shook her head.

“All that and I didn’t even cum.”  She said with a disgusted look and threw his card in the bin.  She got up and went to the bathroom.  The shower in there had a particularly good shower head and Rae knew how to take care of herself…

*

“And now I’m just thinking: did I really do that?”  Rae said, “Why did I do it?  I still don’t know what his fucking name was…”

“It’s important to ask yourself why you do things, but you do have to be careful to not shame yourself for liking or wanting sex.”  Leandra answered Rae. 

“I s’pose.”  Rae answered.

“For example,” Leandra continued, “Take 2 women, both having sex with a different man every night of the year.  But one of them has a healthy sense of self and self-worth, has sex because she enjoys it, doesn’t believe in the ridiculous notion of women being sluts and knows and understands her own desires.  And the other has sex with men because she hates herself and is seeking some sort of validation in the fact that men are willing to have sex with her…”  Leandra made a clucking noise.  “Same action… but one of those women is healthy, and the other is in deep psychological trouble and distress.  But neither of them are sluts, nor should they be judged for their sexual appetites or adventures.” 

“Aye.”  Rae answered slowly, “So which am I?”  Rae asked.  “Healthy or mental…?”  She rolled her eyes at herself; did she even need to ask?

“I don’t know Rae.  Which are you?”  Leandra asked meaningfully.  Rae wasn’t expecting that and it knocked her back, made her think about it. 

“You know… I hate to admit it... but I think that the first time I had sex with Jeff, it was cos I were missing Finn so much.”  Rae said softly.  “I hate that I did that to him, cos he’s such a good lad.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “But I have sex with him now cos I like it.  He’s good at it.  He likes to make me cum.  I think… I think what I got with Jeff is healthy.  Now.”  Rae said, “but I’m not sure if… if the one night stand were healthy or not…”

“Did you expect that you would enjoy your one night stand?”

“Yeah.  He was pretty fit.  I thought he’d be as good at it as Jeff and Finn had ended up being.”  Rae paused for a moment, “You know, I reckon if I’d cum, I might not be so…”  She shook her head, “Cos I didn’t get what I wanted outta it, I’m wondering if I was wrong to do it.”  Rae sighed and then chuckled slightly, “God I broke up with Finn cos I couldn’t get naked in front o’ him, now I got a fuck buddy and a 1 night stand under me belt.”  She shook her head and looked down. 

“Just because your attempt at giving yourself pleasure did not work out Rae, it doesn’t necessarily mean that what you chose to do was wrong.”  Leandra said and Rae made a small noise of contemplation.  “Having sex with someone is only a bad decision if you’re agreeing to it when you really don’t want to, or you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better cos some man wants to fuck you.”  Leandra didn’t swear often, so her words had more impact and Rae nodded slowly. 

“We learned in sociology about feminism.”  Rae said, “How there’s a bunch o’ stuff aimed at controlling women’s sexuality… like calling ‘em sluts and stuff.”  Rae said, “I don’t think I’m a slut for wanting sex.  Even if it is a one night stand.”  She said resolutely.  It felt right and good to say that and she smiled, feeling triumphant that she could say it.  It felt like she was really getting somewhere now.  “I deserve to enjoy sex, and have pleasure.”  Rae said suddenly, and she was surprised that the words had come out of her mouth.  Leandra gave her a huge smile.

“Yes you do Rae.”

“I deserve to feel good about myself.  And I deserve orgasms!”  Rae said, “God that guy was shit in bed!”  Rae said in a dramatic voice and Leandra chuckled happily.  “Next time, I’m not gonna take that shite!”

*

Jeff was sitting with his feet dangling off the lounge, his head in Rae’s lap as they watched tv.  Miranda was smoking and reading feminist prose in between watching.  Louis was also reading homework in between watching _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ with them _._   Rae stroked Jeff’s hair and ate his liquorice. 

The alarm clock they’d set up in the kitchen went off and they all looked at the time. 

“Take your medication Jeff!”  Rae, Miranda and Louis chorused and he gave them a goofy grin and got up.  He headed into his bedroom and took one of the pills the doctor had prescribed for his anxiety.  When he had been resistant to taking them, it had been Louis that had started the alarm clock and had revealed that he was on anti-depressants.  He had told Jeff people who need glasses can get by without them, they can live life squinting and not being able to see properly and getting up close or further away from things, but why?  Why not just give them glasses so they don’t have to go through that?  Then he had told Jeff that medication for mental illness was the exact same thing as glasses for vision impaired people. 

The improvement in Jeff had been marked.  It didn’t get rid of his anxiety, but it did seem to calm it just enough for him to be able to handle it.  He was seeing Leandra, and he was starting to go out and socialise.  Last week had seen Jeff pick up a girl and bring her home.  He had come out of the bedroom to try and find a condom; Miranda had supplied one and then he had asked Rae what the hell to do.  After laughing for a long time Rae had just told him to do what he always did; aim to please.

Sex with Jeff was still incredible but it had slowly started to ease off; he was starting to have more interest in finding a girlfriend and Rae was also looking around at other lads, although she hadn’t really seen anyone she was interested in at uni.  Neither of them seemed to mind that the daily sex was now slowing down to weekly.  It seemed natural and right for them.  But they were still intimate and close, knowing each other inside out.  The best thing was her and Jeff were opening up and talking about everything, and they were even starting to talk to Miranda and Louis about everything too. 

She had gone through every detail of her relationship with Finn with them, and they all agreed that he had been an utter knob-head and he didn’t deserve her.  It had been so strange to hear those words.  It was Finn.  He was an 11, she was a…. but was she a 4?  Really?  And was he really an 11?  Especially since he’d been so immature and thoughtless.  A person’s personality and actions surely could bring them down from an 11 to a 10… or a 9?  And even though he was definitely gorgeous, given how many fit lads there were at uni, she was beginning to wonder if Finn really was all that fit, or if Stamford just had a dearth of options… Talking to the gang v2.0 had really made her see things from a different perspective.  Leandra was starting to pump her full of body positivity messages, and Rae was beginning to feel like maybe Finn had been lucky to have her too. 

*

November saw Chloe coming to Bristol for the inter-university sporting games.  Chloe was on Stamford’s mixed-sex football team.  Rae met Chloe at the bus stop.  Students were encouraged to have the sporting visitors stay with them, and Chloe was staying with them.  No one was sure where she was sleeping, but everyone was excited. 

They walked towards the dormitory, chatting happily, Chloe’s wheeled suitcases clacking along on the sidewalk.  

“You know Chlo, I been doing therapy here again.”

“Is it good?  Are you alright?”

“Yes.”  Rae gave her a grateful grin, “But part of what I’m doing at the moment is trying to speak honestly with the people that matter the most to me, including myself.”  Rae said, “So I just wanted to apologise for all the shitty, selfish decisions I made in the past Chlo-”

“Oh babe-”

“So many bad things happened to you cos o’ the bad decisions I made… I must’ve been such a burden on you and I’m real sorry.”

“Rubbish Rae!”  Chloe said immutably, “You’re my best mate.  You were never a burden to me.”  Rae felt that the last bit of weight, weighing her down on this topic of ‘being a burden’ was finally lifted because Chloe didn’t think she was a burden.  “Ok yeah, some of your decisions were shitty, but so were some of mine.”  Chloe told Rae with an air of finality, “And us feeling guilty about them, isn’t gonna change them.  So there’s no point beating ourselves up about it, it’s done.  We got our whole life’s spreading out in front of us babe.  Fuck the past.”  She said with a huge grin, “And anyway, most of our past was fucking brilliant.  And the bits that weren’t… well we both just gotta try to learn from it and not do it again.”  She shrugged, “And if we keep making the same mistakes… like me and men; chucking the good ones and keeping the bad ones...”  She groaned, “Then you get help.  I been seeing someone for therapy too.” 

“Is it going alright?”

“Yeah.”  Chloe answered, “Apparently having an emotionally distant father who treated my mother like a personal slave had a bit of an effect on me.”  She said with a joking tone and then her face got serious, “And then you know, all that stuff with Ian didn’t help either.”  She said softly. 

“If you need to talk about any o’ that, we got a phone right in our apartment now.  And I got a computer in me own room now!” 

“How posh!”  Chloe laughed.  “I’ll give ya a call.”  She said and laced her arm through Rae’s, “How d’you get a computer?”

“Oh me dad.  Bribing me again.  But I need it too much to argue.  So I just agreed to go an’ see him on Boxing Day.”  Rae sighed.

“Make sure you take a lad he’ll hate.”  Chloe advised with a laugh.

“Or take a girl.  He’d hate that!”  Rae answered and they both chortled at the thought of making Rae’s dad uncomfortable. 

“Hey Rae!”  Jeff came up behind them, carrying a few bags of groceries. 

“What d’you get?”  Rae asked eyeing the bags.  “And this is Chloe.”

“Hey.”  Jeff said with a small anxious smile.  But Rae wasn’t worried about Jeff and his anxiety; she knew he’d be ok.  “You’re the one standing in me way from being her best friend.”  He joked and Chloe nodded proudly.

“Many have tried to replace me.  None will.”  She declared, jutting her chin.  But she started to laugh almost immediately.  “So you’re Jeff?”  Chloe looked him up and down, “You are far taller than she said.” 

*

Chloe stayed for just under a week, and everyone had loved her, of course.  And Rae had been left missing her terribly. 

Christmas had come and gone, including a horrible visit to her father, and checking in on the gang in Stamford.  In her first year she had only visited once, at the end of the year.  Rae was hoping to do better in her second year at uni; she’d joked with Archie that she’d at least make it to three times. 

The new term had started up with Rae being told what a good dorm Christmas she’d missed out on.  Rhianna made a point of telling her that Pierre, Louis’s brother, had asked after her and had given her a mixed tape to give to Rae.  And when Rae checked her email she had an email from him, lengthy, as always, and with a tinge of regret that he didn’t get to see her.  Rae sent and even lengthier response.  He hadn’t said he was coming for Christmas because he had wanted to surprise her, so Rae told him that it served him right for trying to be spontaneous and not planning it out with her friends to make sure she was around.  She gave him Jeff’s email so that any future surprise plans could be better planned.  She also apologised for not telling him she was going away for Christmas day; she had only mentioned spending Boxing Day with her father.  She enjoyed their long emails; they always made her day.  Rae put on the mixed tape; she knew it would be bands from eastern Africa she had never heard of before.  She lay down on her bed to listen to the music with all of her attention.

*

Days seemed to both crawl by and fly by.  And every day Rae bemoaned how much reading she had to do.  She sat on the bed, not taking in a word of Austen’s ‘ _Sense and Sensibility_ ’ because she was too tired to read. 

She looked over at her computer and saw the ‘message received’ icon blinking.  Jeff had set it up on her computer for her and she had enjoyed having it; it meant she never had that moment of disappointment when she checked her email only to find no new messages. 

It was Izzy, replying to a group message Rae had sent out.  Rae shot back a reply and looked at how full her inbox was now.  She went right back to the beginning and looked at all the old messages from her first year at university. 

She highlighted them all, except from one that Chloe that said no matter what it was always gonna be them two against the world. 

And deleted them all. 

She had only the one message from Chloe in her inbox now.

She hadn’t hesitated for a minute. 

She knew that she had been holding on to Finn’s emails in particular, and had just not been deleting any of her emails from anyone to try and obfuscate that fact. 

But it was time.

It was time to let go.

There was nothing to learn in those old emails, only pain to hold on to.  And what for?

Finn had been kind and quiet and gentle and caring.  He had thought that he loved her, he had been beautiful to look at.  And she had loved him.  But he had also been a knob-head.  And he had thrown her away for a quick snog with Katie.  Plus, Archie never said anything, but his silence, avoidance and guilty face whenever Katie came up in conversation, either in person or in email, told Rae that Finn was still seeing her. 

It had taken Rae 18 months to finally feel like she could start to let go of Finn.  That was as long as they had been together without a break interrupting them.  That seemed fitting to her.  She went into her ‘sent items’ and deleted all of them too, just to get rid of the temptation to re-read Finn’s emails. 

“It’s the past now.”  She told the computer as it deleted her sent emails.  “And past belongs in the past.”  She turned to her CD player, a gift from Archie, and put on her best of Bowie CD.  “End of an era.  Rae Earl is no longer hopelessly in love with Finn Nelson.” 

*

Rae slammed her tooth paste down on the bathroom side.  She stormed out of the bathroom to glare at Miranda, Louis and Jeff.

“Which one of you bastards keeps using me toothpaste?”  She asked angrily, standing in front of them in nothing more than her matching black underwear.  They were all used to seeing each other in underwear now. 

But Rae heard a slight gasp, and realised what was wrong with this scene; there was a fifth person in the room.  She saw his mouth open with surprise, his eyes dropped down her body momentarily before he closed his eyes and turned away.

“I’m so sorry.”  Pierre said hurriedly, his back turned to Rae.  There was a moment in which Rae felt worried about being semi-naked in front of Pierre, but it passed with surprising ease. 

“Don’t worry.”  She brushed it off, “Now which one of yas?”  She turned back to her flat-mates.

“I’m sorry!”  Miranda said, “But I like it better than mine!”

“Then buy your own!”

“I can’t afford it!”

“Neither can I!”  Rae retorted.  “I mean I can’t afford for someone else to be using it.”

“I’ll buy ya both a new tube.”  Jeff answered.  This was often his answer.

“I am sorry Rae.”  Miranda said but Rae brushed her off and turned back to the bathroom,.

“You can turn back around Pierre… good to see you again.”  She said and closed the door. 

After her shower Rae came out of the bathroom, her underwear under her arm, a towel around her, drying her hair as she went.

“What ya got?”  She asked Jeff and he handed her his bowl of crisps.  “Thanks.”  She took a few and continued on into her room, closing the door behind her. 

When she got back out Louis was serving up dinner for everyone; everyone cooked a communal meal once a week, meaning Rae cooked for everyone one day a week, cooked for herself 3 days a week and had meals cooked for 3 days a week.  Rae sat down on the lounge as Louis handed her a plate of food.  He finished serving everything up and sat down.  Jeff, as always was sitting next to Rae, but Pierre was sitting on the lounge opposite, Miranda sitting happily between the two brothers.

Miranda started talking immediately about what a wonderful cook Louis was and asked Pierre if he was good at cooking.  She was only mildly flirting; testing the waters to see if Pierre was more open to her advances than Louis had been so far.  But she didn’t want to flirt too openly, in case Louis saw it and it ruined any chance she had with him.  She’d prefer Louis, but after over a year of chasing down that man, with no success, she had confided in Rae that she thought there was no hope and maybe it was time to give up.  Rae had encouraged her to do what was right for her and what would help her have happiness both today and tomorrow. 

“Our father would laugh to hear you call Louis a good cook.”  Pierre answered.

“Yeah and he’d die from laughter if anyone suggested that you even knew what a kitchen was!”  Louis shot back at his brother good-naturedly.  Both brothers were excellent cooks. 

The conversation continued for sometime, Miranda dominating it in a way that only she could.  Jeff and Rae shared grins; that was their girl.  Miranda was fun and loveable and sweet, but also a very dominant woman, who was trying to soften her sharp edges by being everyone’s counsellor.  Rae felt she would be better served just embracing her sharp edges and being who she was, but you couldn’t tell Miranda things like that; she was also quite headstrong.

“Rachel, how is your second year of university going?”  Pierre leaned forward, his empty plate in his lap, his eyes on Rae.  He had clearly decided that he was tired of hearing from Miranda and that his attention was better focused on Rae.  She glanced over at Miranda, who gave a small, sad smile and looked down. 

“More work.”  She answered with a shrug, “And it’s a bit harder, but mostly the same.  How’s everything with you?”

“I work a lot, I have three jobs, uw’igikundiro.”  He replied and Louis sighed and rolled his eyes.  Rae noticed that Louis wasn’t happy with his brother right now and wondered what that word meant; he had said that to her before.  But she decided to ask him in private and simply politely continued the conversation… trying to not be too obvious that she was very interested in Pierre. 

“Doing what?”  It felt weird to Rae to only just be finding these things out when they had spent months sending each other long, and rather involved emails.

“I do pet care, going to people’s houses and feeding and caring for their pets while they’re on holiday, and watering plants too.  And I work collecting trolleys at the supermarket.  And also doing translations, at the embassy and for 3 international companies and doing film subtitles…. Just French film subtitles.  Apparently no one sends British films to Rwanda.”  Louis and Pierre shared a laugh that Rae couldn’t quite understand, but she wanted to know more.  Pierre was completely fascinating.  And completely gorgeous.  “I only work weekdays.  My weekends are completely free, Rachel.”  His eyes never left Rae’s. 

“Have you guys visited Rwanda?  Seen any of your family?”  Miranda asked suddenly, trying to be emotionally supportive, but both brother pursed their lips and looked away. 

“Our father is Hutu.”  Pierre answered, “Our mother was Tutsi.”

“Oh god…” Miranda realised the horror of such a situation; a group of Hutus known as the Akazu had organised the massacre of the Tutsi people, and around 70% of the Tutsi population had been murdered in the genocidal massacre.  Their aim had been to have a Rwanda with zero Tutsi people, they were also called the ‘zero networks.’  But the genocide hadn’t just been carried out by them; government officials, the army, government-backed militias, the police force and the civilian population of Hutu people had all been involved. 

“Everyone on our mother’s side of the family was killed.”  Pierre said in a low, controlled voice, “And many people on our father’s side of the family were killed for being moderate Hutus.”  He turned to look at Miranda, “What have we got to go back to?  Those of our family that survived are here.” 

“I’m… sorry.”  She said.  When confronted with the bleak horror and emotional trauma of such a tragedy, Miranda suddenly realised that in trying to be emotionally supportive, she had overstepped her mark.  Louis had always refrained from talking about it and simply taken her gentle prodding to open up and confide in her without comment.  He knew that she did it so he would heal, so he left her pushing unaddressed.  But Pierre was not as patient with well-intentioned fools as Louis was. 

“What are you sorry for Miranda?”  Pierre asked, more gently. 

“Everything.”  Her voice was small and sad.

“You are not responsible for everything.”  Pierre answered, “Be sorry for the bad things you are responsible for and nothing more.”  He looked away from her, his eyes returning to Rae. 

“Right, well I don’t have to wash dishes cos I cooked.”  Louis saved Miranda.

“Ugh.”  Rae moaned and got up, Jeff following her. 

Within minutes of beginning the task, Louis had steered Miranda and his brother into a better conversation and Jeff leaned down to put his mouth to her ear. 

“I think Pierre has a thing for you.”  Jeff said softly.

“Aye I think so too.”  Rae answered with a grin.  Rae was giddy with excitement at the prospect of a new lad in her life.

“I think Miss Earl has a thing for Pierre…”  Jeff teased and Rae pulled a face at him.

“Might do.”  She said and pursed her lips to try and stop herself from smiling. 

“Hey guys,”  Jeff looked over at the brothers and Miranda, “I reckon we should take a walk after this?”

“It’s still cold outside… and night…?”  Miranda opposed the idea.

“Aye but we need some groceries.”  Jeff said.  Rae watched the brothers exchange a look and Louis sighed.

“Yeah I’ll come.”  He said.

“Me too!”  Miranda said instantly.  Jeff turned back to Rae without waiting for a response from Pierre. 

“I think I might stay in.  Got a bit o’ homework.”  Rae answered with a small knowing smile, before she returned to the dishes. 

“Fair enough.”  Jeff replied, “Need anything from the shops?”

Half an hour later, Pierre was making his excuses and saying he’d happily watch some television while they were gone and Rae was studying.  Louis looked resigned but not impressed with the situation and Jeff was grinning at her like a hyena.  Miranda was in a very retrospective mood, so she barely noticed the silent drama and flirtation all around her. 

As soon as the door was closed Pierre looked back to her. 

“How urgent is the homework you need to do, Rachel?”  He asked, clearly hoping he could have a moment of her time. 

“I don’t have anything to do that can’t wait.”  Rae said and got up from her lounge to sit down next to him.  Pierre smiled and chuckled slightly.  They had been equally complicit in engineering a situation in which they got some time alone.  Pierre hadn’t cared if it was walking in the blistering cold to the shops, or here in the apartment.  He just wanted to speak with her. 

“I have wanted to see you again, since first we met.”  He told her, “I am not a man who waits patiently for things to happen in their own time.”  He warned her, “So I will tell you plainly, that I liked you from the first moment we spoke, and have thought fondly of you over this past year and half.  Every time I get one of your emails… it makes my day.”  He moved slightly closer, “I would be very interested in attempting a relationship with you.”

“Wow.”  Rae had been expecting maybe a snog session, perhaps some sex.  This was very unexpected.  But then, given the warm, fuzzy feelings she’d been getting every time she opened one of his emails, she was very glad that it was happening; she liked Pierre a lot more than she had realised.  And as he sat across from her, speaking so beautifully, she realised that she already had deep feelings for him.

“If we were to do this Rachel… I have to let you know I have some big issues, that I am working on, that might affect the relationship and your decision to either be with me or not.”  Pierre said.  Rae found his upfront honesty refreshing and nodded that she was listening.  “I am suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”  Rae nodded again; she had expected that, “It makes my memory very sketchy, and I have flashbacks, more often than I would like, and I can become angry or emotional after flashbacks.  I would never physically harm you, but I have been known to yell afterwards.”  Rae nodded again, “I find it hard to trust people, and to open up.  But I have been going to therapy, I am told that sitting in a room with a person re-living horrific events can help… I had thought that being out in the sun with my family and friends, moving forward and living my life would help.  But it appears that I need both.”  He paused and took a deep breath, “Over the past 5 years I have struggled to even want a relationship, and the two I have been in, I could not… they only lasted a few weeks.  I had decided that I would not seek a relationship until I was more capable of giving what a woman deserves from me, until I was more healed.  Not perfect, but further along, you understand?”

“Aye.”  Rae nodded her head, “but you don’t have to do this alone.”

“I am not alone.  I have family, friends and my therapist.”  Pierre answered, “It is the intimacy of a relationship that I struggle with.  But…”  He shook his head and looked her up and down, a small smile creeping onto his lips, “I must try with you, if you will allow me, Rachel.  You are very beautiful to my eyes, and very beautiful to my ears, and remarkably beautiful to my mind.  I do not know you as well as I would like, and I would very much like to know you far, far better.”  He lowered his eyes, “As flawed as I am, I promise that everyday, I will try to give you what you need from me, Rachel.”  He looked back up into her eyes, “would you like time to think about this?”

“Um…” Rae tried to wrap her head around everything.  “So if we started going out… what does that mean for you…?”

“That we would be monogamous together, and that we would speak or write every day, and I would visit you every weekend that you permit.”

“What about the cost o’ that?”  Rae remembered that he had not been able to visit Louis as much as he wanted because of their lack of money.

“My uncle and father have both started working again.”  He answered happily, “We have more than enough money now.” 

“And what about sex?”  Rae asked the question that was burning a hole through her knickers.  She wanted to have sex with him right now…

“That would be up to you.” 

“Well… more like up to both of us.”  Rae answered and Pierre gave a small embarrassed smile and scratched his forehead.

“I think, I did not make myself very clear Rachel.”  He answered, “From the moment I saw you walking across the university lawns, I wanted to have sex with you.”

“Oh…”

“So it is up to you when you allow it to happen.”  He said, and Rae noticed the hunger in his eyes again.  But he kept it well under control.  She had a feeling that he had learned to keep a lot of his emotions under control to make himself feel safe again in the wake of the brutal trauma he had been through.  “But Rachel, I would like more than sex, if you will allow it.”  Rae lowered her eyes in thought, but she already knew what she wanted to do; she had wanted it for some time, so she looked back up at him with a grin.  All those emails had made her want him in so many ways, and now here he was, making it clear that he felt the same.

“You know I was in a mental hospital.”  She told him and he gave her a grateful smile, “I cut myself…” She waited to see what his response would be; watched his eyebrows furrow as he took that in.

“There are so many people in this world that want to harm us Rachel, and you must protect yourself from them, even if, for a while, one of them is you.”  He answered.

“I’m learning that.”  Rae answered.  “I got therapy an’ all that.”  She reassured him.  “I fucked up a relationship with a nice lad cos I were mental… and then we got over it and got back together and he fucked it up the second time cos he’s a fucking knob-head.”  She shrugged, “You never know what’s gonna make a relationship work or fall apart.” 

“Very true.”  Pierre said, “You are very wise Rachel.  It is what turned my completely physical attraction to you into a physical and mental attraction; you are mentally very wise and strong.”  Rae scoffed slightly and looked away. 

“Aye that’s why I were in a nut-house.”  She laughed.

“Needing help, does not make you less strong.”  Pierre said simply.  Rae turned to looked at him, “Rachel.”  It seemed that he liked the way her name sounded in his mouth as well; he said it so often.  Rae leaned over and kissed him, a tentative soft kiss, that very quickly became a deep, slowly burning passionate kiss.  Rae felt her whole body tingle when his tongue slowly slid over hers.  When their mouths parted it was like there was a huge bonfire between them.  She only noticed that his hands were on her face cradling her neck and cheeks, his thumb tenderly caressing her skin, when the kissing stopped.  And then she lost track of his hands when she stared into his deep, intense eyes; even though his hands hadn’t moved. 

“Fuck…”  She breathed softly and then his lips were upon hers again.  His kisses were so deep, so slow and tender; it felt like they were making love with their clothes on.  “We should… we should probably move to my bedroom…”  Rae wasn’t sure how she was forming words right now.

“If you want, Rachel.”  He breathed, it was very obvious that he wanted her.

“You gonna kiss me like that and expect anything else?”  She asked.

“There is no other way to kiss you.”  He answered, “That is how our mouths fit together at this precise moment.” 

“Fucking hell.”  Rae found Pierre’s response to be infinitely sexy.  “Fuck you’re fucking attractive.” 

“I like it when you swear.”  His voice was sinuous and his eyes were filled with intense desire.

“Good, cos I do it a fucking lot.”  Rae answered and finally managed to get up.  She held out her hand to him and he took it, his eyes never having once left hers, his focus on her, his obvious desire, the dirty grin on his lips, the intensity of his energy… Rae was probably the most turned on she’d ever been.  She’d never been stared at with that much intensity.  In the back of her mind, she wondered if it was because Pierre was a man who had faced death; did that mean he understood life more, that he wasn’t interested in messing around or wasting time, that he just felt things more intensely now?  Or was it something that was just in him, and would have been there without going through that tragedy?  Or was it because he was older, more sure of himself and what he wanted and what he could do?

All she knew was that it was easy to get swept up in him.

They laid down on her bed, kissing, his hands caressing her face, her hands exploring his chest, his stomach, finding their way under his shirt. 

But Pierre was focused on Rae, and his mouth made love to her mouth, her neck, and after slowly pulling up her shirt, her stomach.  After he pulled her shirt off with ease, Rae laid back and watched in awe as he kissed her stomach, sides and chest, his mouth working back up her neck to her mouth, smoothly, reverently.  Rae unhooked her bra as he kissed her neck, sending tingles through her whole body.  It was bizarre how easily he seemed to read what was happening with her, he pulled her bra off, her movements synching with his perfectly. 

Rae was enjoying how focused he was on her; she had helped him take her pants off and he was kissing down her body, and only his shirt had been removed.  He seemed to notice every slight sound she made of pleasure and returned his lips to each place she liked to be kissed.

Rae was entranced, watching him as he licked around her navel in long slow motions.  It was strangely arousing when his mouth pressed down on her stomach around her navel.  She felt her hips moving, her pelvis thrusting upward in desire. 

But he took his time licking down her abdomen to her pubic hair.  It was delicious, Rae couldn’t stop staring, her pussy was throbbing with desire.  When he finally started to kiss her inner thighs she threw her head back and groaned loudly with frustrated desire; she wanted to feel that mouth of his on her cunt.  Now.  But he was making her wait.  He didn’t dive in eagerly like every other guy she’d slept with.  Even when Finn and Jeff had made attempts at teasing her, neither of them had had the confidence to make her really wait for it like Pierre.  But Pierre was a master at taking his time and building her desire and pleasure.  And frustration; she was about to start begging him, yelling, screeching at him, ordering him to go down… when she felt his breath on her pussy.  She whimpered and thrust herself towards him.

“You know the clitoris is pure in its purpose.”  He said as he ran his finger over Rae’s clit slowly, she let out a breathy sigh that became a shuddering groan of desire. 

“Oh aye?”  She could barely speak.

“Oh yes Rachel.”  He answered, “Your clitoris has one purpose: to give you pleasure.”  He licked along her left labia and Rae felt her pleasure rising, “It has twice the nerve endings as the head of the penis.”  He licked her right labia and Rae moaned and whimpered in desperation, “And my penis also delivers semen and urine… The clitoris has absolutely nothing to do with your urinary tract or procreation.”  He licked below her clitoris, his tongue tip gently probing her urethra before heading further down to tease the opening of her vagina.  “Your clitoris deserves the utmost respect, so please tell me if I need to do something differently.”  He licked her clitoris with the flat of his tongue, slowly, as if savouring every second of it.  Rae sucked her bottom lip and looked at the top of his head poking up from between her thighs, his tongue doing some sort of magic; her whole body seeming to be both tense and lose simultaneously.  She had never really told any of the 4 lads she’d had sex with what to do better.  Gentle suggestions once or twice, but nothing outright.  Liam hadn’t cared and both Finn and Jeff had been fairly in tune with her.  Not perfectly in tune, she knew that there were things that could have been done better for her, but she still had orgasms with both of them, so she supposed it didn’t matter.  And the 1 night stand guy had just been so bad it had been surprising. 

Rae wasn’t going to have this anymore.  She wanted sex to be the best it could be for her.  Pierre was the first guy to so openly tell her to tell him what she wanted.  Finn and Jeff had implied it, but Pierre had openly requested it.  So she was considering taking him up on that offer; she wanted to know just how good sex could be if she was guiding the action.  Rae reached down and ran her fingers through his close-cropped, tightly curled hair and ground her pussy into his face.  He gently bit her labia, licked down to her perineum and all around her vagina entrance before sliding two fingers inside of her, his tongue returning to her clitoris to lick her in rhythm with his fingers gently probing her. 

“There please...”  She groaned loudly when his fingers ran over a sensitive place inside of her.  He zeroed in on that spot and gently rubbed it while he licked her clitoris slightly faster.  “Try licking harder…”  It felt strange telling him what to do, especially since he was so in tune with her already.  But he responded immediately to her words, and the sensations this produced was incredible; both mentally and physically.  She groaned louder, her fingers gripping his hair.  “Harder!”  She ordered and he complied, groaning in response to her heightened pleasure. 

Rae felt her stomach start to tighten, her internal muscles start to shake, her pleasure seemed to explode like a volcano through her body.  There was a strange and incredibly pleasurable feeling of letting go as her body rocked with pleasure.  Pierre made a noise of excitement, and when Rae closed her legs to stop him from licking at her, he looked up at her with a wet face. 

“What…?”  She looked at the liquid dripping from his face.  “What’s that.”

“I’ve only seen it a few times before.”  He told her, “You ejaculated.”  He told her, his eyes alight with desire.  He eye-fucked her as he licked his lips, tasting her.  It was one of the sexiest things she’d ever seen.  The desire he had for her was palpable.

“I what?”  Rae was astounded, but he was already kissing her thighs again, his fingers back inside of her.  Rae groaned loudly and felt an odd upshot of pleasure rock through her body.  She’d never experienced that before. 

He kept his fingers inside of her, his thumb massaging around her clitoris, but not touching the sensitive nub yet, as he kissed back up her body.  They kissed very passionately, Rae finally getting her hands on his belt and undoing it. 

Rae felt another orgasm coming and her fingers started to shake and struggle to undo his jeans as it gently warmed her insides.  And then his thumb started to massage her clitoris, and she was again raised in pleasure.

“You haven’t even put your dick in me yet…”  She gasped, knowing a fourth orgasm would be forthcoming.

“Sex is not just about a penis penetrating a vagina.”  He answered in a voice that sounded like he was seducing her, even though he was only speaking factually.  And it was oddly seductive; to think about all the things she had been missing out on, and would probably start to explore now.  Sex in the past had been, by and large, all about penis getting into vagina.  Often there was an optional pit-stop in oral sex land, but almost always it was about the penis in the vagina.  “We have two bodies here to explore and enjoy.  The penis is only one part of that.”  His mouth closed over one of her nipples as his thumb pressed against her clitoris more firmly, his fingers inside of her sped up in their action, she groaned deeply.  She came again, gasping loudly, his teeth gently biting at her nipple. 

Rae was utterly exhausted and thoroughly satisfied when he laid down beside her on his side, she stayed on her back and panted and sighed happily.  She felt like she could easily fall asleep and he was looking at her face with complete adoration as his hand slowly caressed her body, his other hand propping up his head so he could see her face.  She closed her eyes and sighed with deep contentment.  And he gently stroked her face and then continued to explore her body with his hand. 

But Rae found that even though she was exhausted and could easily fall asleep, what she really wanted was more.  To her surprise her vagina was aching for more; she felt like she need for him to be inside of her. 

She flicked her eyes open, and he was looking down at her body, still with adoration in his eyes.  When he looked back up at her face and saw her looking at him, he stroked her hair gently and kissed her deeply. 

Finally he helped her get his pants off and Rae began to stroke his thick cock.  She liked what she was feeling and when she looked down, she liked what she was seeing too. 

“Now what if I had fallen asleep?”  She asked him and he gave her a content smile.

“Then we would have picked up where we left off, once you had awoken.”  He told her and kissed her again.  “Would you like me to use a condom?”  He asked and Rae stared at the ceiling in thought.  She had used one with Liam and that 1 night stand, but not with Jeff or Finn.  She seemed to have a habit of not using them with her boyfriends.  Not that Jeff was a boyfriend… more just a ‘regular bedtime acquaintance.’

“Have you… you know, used ‘em in the past?”  Rae asked slowly.

“Yes.”

“And, have you not used ‘em in the past?”

“Yes.”  He answered.

“Like… have you had any tests done or-”

“I have.”  He answered, “I was all clear.  But if you wish, it is no hardship for me to use them.”

“Aren’t you worried about me?”  Rae sked, “If I’ve got anything?”

“No.”  He answered simply. 

“That makes no sense.”  Rae laughed and he broke out into a grin too.  “You don’t know who I’ve fucked!”

“I know.”  He agreed, “And normally I am more cautious.  But I feel it.  I do not need to worry about you.” 

“Is this a line you tell all girls?”  They laughed again.

“No.”  He told her, still laughing at her joke, “I will run to the shops and get some condoms.”  He told her, easing off the bed and grabbing his jeans. 

“But…”

“You have hesitated, I think this means you would prefer to use them, but are unsure how to say it.”  He told her with no hint of accusation or upset, “Don’t feel like you must choose not to use them, simply because I am comfortable with not using them with you.”  He said, “It does not offend me, it is no hardship, other than being away from you while I go and get them.”  He gave her a huge smile, “Never let a man put the pleasure of his penis above your life, Rachel.  Not using condoms could get you killed.  I will go and buy some.” 

“I got some in me drawer.”  Rae answered, “But it’s fine, let’s not use ‘em.” 

“Are you on contraception?”

“Yeah I’m on the pill.”  He nodded in response to her answer and sat back down on the bed. 

“Truly Rachel, I do not mind, do not make a decision you are not entirely comfortable with for me or anyone.”

“Shut up.”  She said, “And bring your mouth over ‘ere.” 

“If that is what you want.”  He leaned over to her and they kissed, Rae pulling him closer as she laid back down, until finally he was leaning over her. 

They kissed for a long time, her hands exploring his body greedily.  She liked his stocky powerful frame; there were muscles on him, but there was also a nice layer of fat too.  It suited him. 

She laced a leg around his hips and his hand slowly explored her body while he leaned on his other elbow and stroked her hair.

“You are very, very beautiful Rachel.”  His voice was smooth and silky and she found it so easy to believe he actually thought that.  Not because of something in his tone or his sincere looks or the way he touched her… no it was something in her that made Rae believe it.  She was starting to believe it herself.  Months and months of layering positive messages like ‘I am beautiful the way I am’ and ‘just because I don’t look like a mass-marketed bit o’ propaganda for an unattainable female form, don’t mean I’m not perfect the way I am, cos I am’ over the top of her usual negative messages about how fat and ugly she was, finally seemed to be working.  She didn’t think she was beautiful yet, but she was starting to see that others might see it that way, that maybe she wasn’t hideous.  Maybe it wasn’t such a chore for men to be with her.  Maybe touching and looking at her body wasn’t disgusting for them at all.

It felt so wonderful to finally believe a man when he told her she was beautiful.  Her body felt more electric, and his fingertips on her skin felt like magic… like his touch stirred up the magic within herself. 

Suddenly there was an entire new dimension to sex.  One in which she wasn’t worrying about how her body looked, one in which her body’s sole purpose in this moment was to give her and her lover pleasure. 

Rae felt like her whole body was singing.  She felt so alive.  She kissed Pierre with an exuberant passion she’d never kissed anyone with before.  He responded to her kiss, returning her fervour and she loved that he did that.  Because there was no other way for her to kiss him.  That was how their mouths fitted together in that moment. 

She finally understood what it was to truly be in the moment, rather than her mind doing its incessant internal monologue, taking her attention away from where she was, insulting her, thinking about something entirely different.  Now the only things that existed where her, Pierre and the bed they were sharing. 

When Pierre’s hand ran over her stomach again, Rae only noticed the ticklish pleasure, there was no fear about what he might be thinking about her body. 

It was freedom.

His fingers slid over her wet cunt and started to tease her into another orgasm.  Rae happily let go and just enjoyed the sensations rocking through her body; it was so nice to have a quiet mind for once. 

When Pierre gently slid into her for the first time he was looking deep into Rae’s eyes and Rae felt a deep intense connection with him that she knew he was feeling too.  He rolled his hips like some sort of sex god, his eyes staying on hers.  Rae was used to men being less flexible through their torso, so this was a more than pleasant surprise.  Pierre rolled his hips in such a way that his cock angled upward inside of her.  It was bliss, and Rae clung to him, meeting his thrusts with her own, their eyes locked on each other until she couldn’t stop herself from closing her eyes and rolling her head back in pleasure.

As soon as she did, his mouth was on her neck, kissing and gently biting her skin, heightening her pleasure.  A beautiful orgasm rolled through her body, her innards pulsating in time to his thrusts. 

And then he was kissing down her body, going down on her again. 

“Holy shit…”  Rae groaned; sex had never been like this before.  She wasn’t going to be able to walk after this; she’d be too exhausted. 

She was still shuddering, his mouth was still on her, and she was rolling onto her side, too blissed out to even think.  He laughed and quickly got out of the way, and curled himself around her to spoon her, his cock happily slipping back into her pussy.  She leaned her head back on his shoulder as one of his hands cupped her breast, the other stroke her neck and face. 

Rae had cum another two times before Pierre finally came with a loud cry, their bodies pressed together, Rae twisting slightly so she could look over her shoulder and see him.  He paused for only a moment before he laid beside her, Rae collapsing onto her back.  And they were kissing again. 

“Aren’t you exhausted?”  She asked in between heated kisses.

“Oh yes Rachel.  Very exhausted.”  He answered, “But you are very, very attractive.  If you want me to stop-”

“No.”  Rae answered with a tired grin, “But I’m pretty exhausted.”  She looked over at the clock on her wall.  “Bloody hell we was shagging for 2 hours.”  She was astonished. 

“We are still shagging Rachel.”  He answered with a lusty grin, “Sex does not have to end when the man ejaculates.  There’s so much more we can do.”  He started to kiss her again, “And in about 20 minutes time, if you want my penis again, you can have it.”  He told her between kisses.

It was a long time before they both finally were too exhausted to do any more.  They fell asleep, their fingers entwined. 

The next morning Rae woke up to feeling sore all over her body and an empty bed.  Worrying about where Pierre might be never entered into Rae’s mind; he was an oddly trustworthy man, she was surprised by how quickly she had complete faith in him.  She yawned and stretched out her aching muscles as Pierre brought in a tray of food he had made for her, a huge grin on his face. 

“Good morning uw’igikundiro.”  He said in breezy, carefree voice. 

“Ok, what does that mean?”  Rae asked, “You call me that so many times.”

“It means beautiful woman.”  He answered and Rae felt a burst of happiness when she saw the almost shy look on his face, “I wanted to tell you that you were beautiful when I first met you, but I was too shy.  So I used my language instead of yours.”  He sat down and took a piece of bacon off the second plate on the tray; his plate.  “Jeff told me that you like your bacon a little crispy.”  He said, “And your eggs with soft yolks.”  He looked over the meal he had prepared her and then up at her to see if she approved. 

“Well Jeff is me best friend, so it’s good you asked him!”  Rae answered, “Well… one of me best friends.”  She corrected.

“Best friend…”  Pierre mused and gave her a knowing look as she began to eat.

“Oh… oh you noticed that we-”

“It is hard not to.  He is very attracted to you.”  He sounded curious, not judgemental, so Rae decided to tell him about Jeff.

“We started sleeping together in first year… kinda by accident.”

“By accident?”  He was amused by that.

“We misunderstood each other…”  She waved that off, “Anyway, neither of us ever thought about being in a relationship other than friendship.  Friendship is just right for us.  We just also occasionally fuck.” 

“Is that something that will be continuing?”  He asked simply.

“We’re monogamous aren’t we?”  Rae said and watched his face beak out into a grin.

“You had not said if we were going to be dating.”  He answered.

“I thought it was obvious…” Rae answered with a laugh. 

“You may have just wanted sex.”  Pierre noted.

“Very true.”  She acknowledged, “But we are definitely dating Pierre, because I really like you.  I love getting your emails, I enjoy being around you… You fuck like no one I’ve ever fucked before in my life… Where the hell did you learn that?”

“I had a very… torrid… sexual affair with two bisexual women.  We barely spoke outside of the bedroom, but for several months they used me for their pleasure, and I learned things that every man should know.”  He told her.

“Well I can tell you now, not every man does know all that.” 

“I know.”  He said with a slightly cocky air.  She liked his confidence.  He didn’t show it like this often, only when he knew more about music than her and now this.  And it was thoroughly charming.  “I will stay for the whole weekend if this is acceptable to you Rachel?”

“Yes.”  She answered firmly, “I want you here for as late as you can stay on Sunday night.” 

“I will leave Monday morning then.”  He told her.  “Although I have no spare clothing…”

“Stay naked.”  She grinned at him, “I like the view.”  He laughed happily.  “I have a very sexy boyfriend.”  She told him.

“And I have an extraordinary girlfriend.”  He answered.  He crawled up the bed and kissed her, before settling in beside her, grabbing his plate of food and eating heartily.  “You are sore today Rachel?”

“Aye.”

“I will massage you after breakfast.  Soothe your muscles.”

“Well I’m not gonna say no to being spoiled!”  Rae answered.

“And then we will make love again.”  He said with a cheeky grin. 

“Oh I see how it is!”  She laughed, “Get me muscles all good so you can shag me again.”

“Yes.  That is exactly how it is.”  He admitted, the grin never leaving his lips.  “I like making love to you.”  He said with a saucy tone, “You make good noises and nice faces.”

“Nice faces or funny faces?”  Rae asked chuckling.

“Ah…”  He hesitated, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “They are not mutually exclusive.”  He finally answered.

“Oh right!” Rae laughed.  “Well we can’t spend all day in here.”  Rae said, “unfortunately.”

“No?”

“I promised Rhianna I’d go to a rally for some sort of rights… I don’t remember what.”  She said with a guilty grimace, “Rhianna’s always got me going to something.” 

“She is the lesbian lady?”  He asked and Rae nodded.  “Louis struggles with her.”  He said sadly.  “His Christianity… is not as loving and forgiving as it used to be before…” He looked away.  “But he tries to love, as Jesus, supposedly, taught us.”  He gave a cynical, crooked smile. 

“Why did you stop believing?”  As soon as the words left Rae’s mouth she gasped and covered her mouth. 

“I stopped believing before that.”  He said, understanding that Rae had thought that the genocide had made him lose faith.  “That just reinforced my choice to stop believing.”  He took her hand from her mouth and stroked her cheek gently, “I saw a group of Christian men beat a young gay man to death.  They claimed such righteousness, that God had spoken through them and judged this man a sinner… they so believed it Rachel… I could not be part of anything that could be used to justify such hatred.  There are words in the bible, that instigate hate.  And there are Christians that ignore that and live in love and kindness.  But there are far too many that don’t and are filled with hate.  And the Christians that claim to be good, just brush those others off and pretend that they aren’t real Christian.  But in essence, they are deeply Christian, more Christian than moderates, because they take that book at its every word.”  He shook his head sadly.  “I cannot be involved with anything that can instigate hate.” 

“I can understand that.”  Rae answered thoughtfully.

“They say that homosexuality is not the Rwandan way.  I say, I do not care what you think is the Rwandan way, or the English way, or any other way.  People must be treated with dignity and respect.  Not with hatred.  If they are harming no one, leave them be.”

“I agree.”  Rae said, “Did that happen a lot?”  She asked tentatively.

“There was a lot of violence leading up to the massacres, including those sorts of things.  But most often it was ethnically motivated.”  He answered.  “We lived in Kibuye… near Lake Kivu.”  His eyes misted over with memory, “It is very beautiful there.  My older brother did guided tours to the national parks and the waterfalls.  We…” He made a soft scoffing sound that Rae didn’t understand, “We owned land.  Of course.”  He shook his head as if it had been folly to own land, and she noticed that his eyes were clear again; he was back here with her now, no longer walking in his  memories.  “We had cattle, from my mother’s wealth, and we had people to help run the farm.  Mostly Hutu.”  He said with a sad face, “Perhaps we did not pay them well enough.  When things started to get bad, some stayed with us and were friendly and supportive, but others called my mother a cockroach.”  He lowered his eyes.  “Called my father a traitor to his people.  For marrying a Tutsi cockroach.  It was very uncommon for Tutsi and Hutu to marry.”  He told her, “My uncle,” He said the word with a venom that Rae didn’t understand until he continued speaking, “Tried to convince the Hutu in Kibuye that my mother was a Tutsi seductress, a femme fatale, that had lured my father into a trap of Tutsi filth and depravity.”  He took a deep breath, “We did not know it, but he did this to try and save my father from being murdered with the other Hutu traitors.”  Rae took his hand, “And he did it, knowing it would make my mother’s murder all the more brutal.”  Rae remembered that he had spoken of his mother in the past tense to Miranda.  She was also aware that Louis had never mentioned an older brother. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, but I want you to know that I am here for whatever you need.  Ok?”  Rae said and stroked his face gently.  A smile crept over his lips as he watched her soothing him..

“I need a shower Rachel.”  He said, “And I need company.” 

“Well that’s easy enough.”  She picked up their plates and took them out to the kitchen, Pierre following.  In the lounge room Louis was siting with Miranda talking about the rally that they were meant to go to today.  Louis was wondering out loud if he had to go.  He scowled at his twin brother the minute he came out of Rae’s room. 

“Morning people.”  Rae said in a chipper voice, “Where’s my lovely Jeffrey?” 

“Helping Rhianna make banners and signs”  Miranda answered. 

“Oh right.”  Rae answered, “Right well I’m gonna have a shower, neither of you need the bathroom?”  Miranda shook her head and Rae looked to Louis.

“No.”  Louis answered, his eyes on Pierre, who just cocked an eyebrow at his brother and shrugged, grinning the whole time.  Rae noticed the glare Louis was giving Pierre and looked over at Miranda who was staring at Louis longingly. 

They headed into the bathroom and put on Miranda’s water proof radio, Rae putting on the water nice and hot. 

“So what’s with you and Louis this morn?”  Rae asked as she took off her tatty toothpaste tube dressing gown.  Pierre seemed to be thoroughly amused by the dressing gown but made no comment. 

“Louis does not approve of us spending the night together when we are not in a long-term committed relationship.” 

“Oh aye?  And how long would we have to be together for his lordship to approve?”  Rae asked sarcastically.  Pierre narrowed his eyes in thought.

“Probably, about a year.”  He answered and followed her into the shower.

“Well he’s gonna be giving you a lot o’ dirty looks for a while.”  Rae laughed.

“Oh it is the lectures that I will most look forward to.”  Pierre sighed, “But he does not do it out of malice.”  Pierre said reasonably, “He is afraid that if we are not on good terms with God, that something terrible will happen to us again.”  Rae felt her irritation at Louis instantly evaporate.  “He loves me very much.  His actions come from love and worry.  He worries a lot about you too, because…”  but he stopped and shook his head, “But it will be alright.”  He took the soap Rae offered him; they each had their own shelf in the shower.  Rae’s was the second highest shelf because she was the second tallest.  “It does not make is actions any less misguided.  But it makes them understandable and bearable.”

“Aye.” Rae agreed. 

“And he will not seek to impose his opinions on you or anyone else.  Just me.  Because I am his brother.”  He laughed, “But I can handle him.”

“I’m sure you can handle just about anything.”  Rae agreed.

In the end they were a little late for Rhianna’s rally for gay rights, which Rae counted as a minor miracle given that they’d had sex again before they set out.  Pierre had borrowed some of Louis’s clothes and Louis had gotten his cranky mood together enough to be almost happy.  He’d even agreed to come out to the rally with them, reasoning that no human deserved to be treated badly, unless they were a murderer or rapist.  Rae couldn’t argue with that. 

“I’m gonna go get up the front.”  Rae told Pierre, “With Jeff.”  She pointed at Jeff’s head, popping up above the crowd.  She grinned, thinking that when she had first met Jeff there was no way he could have come to something like this. 

“I’ll get us some water Rachel.”  He pointed at the stand to the side, offering free bottles of water to the protestors, “And a rainbow flag!”  She gave him a quick kiss and plunged into the crowd, making her way to Jeff. 

“What’d I miss?”  She asked Jeff and Miranda when she got to them.  Miranda was so tiny she couldn’t be seen from the outside of the crowd. 

“Not a lot.  Some guy talking about legal rights.”  Jeff answered.

“They’re gonna be talking about violence against the community soon.”  Miranda said, “Rhianna’s got some talker from London to speak.”

“Then we’re marching through town.”  Jeff said with a grin. 

“Sounds absolutely fabulous.”  Rae answered with a cheery tone.

“You got a boyfriend didn’t ye?”  Jeff asked with a slight grin.  Miranda looked away and stared up at the stage, understanding that this wasn’t a conversation for her.

“Aye.”

“Goddamnit wench, we was s’posed to get partners at the same time!”  He answered with a genuine grin.  “Ya happy?”

“Yeah.”  Rae answered.  “Sorry about the… needing to use ya hand now.”  Rae teased. 

“You were put on this Earth by Satan himself weren’t ye lass?”  Jeff joked. 

“No, no!”  Pierre said as he returned with their water.  “She taught Satan everything he knows.” 

“That’s right.”  Rae agreed taking the bottle they would share and enjoying the feel of Pierre’s arm lacing its way around her waist, his hand resting on her hip.  She looked at him and he waved his mini rainbow flag at her. 

The next speaker was passionate, taking about the violence the queer community in Britain faced.  Rae frequently turned her head to look at Pierre; he was good to look at.  And she was trying to gauge his thoughts on the topic by studying his expressions.  She noticed that he also looked at her just as often.

“Last year, them bastards bombed the Admiral Duncan Pub.  They killed 3 of us and injured 70 of us.”  The speaker on the stage said angrily and the crowd murmured.  “It’s a war!”  He said, “I know you don’t want to hear that.  We’ve flown the flag of love and peace and acceptance.  But at some point we have to defend ourselves from straight people!”  The audience cheered.  Rae looked over at Pierre; he looked concerned.  The speaker continued to speak angrily about the evils of straight people and heteronormativity.  About the fear queer people had to live in.  About the suffering they had endured.  None of it was a lie, and Rae had learned that parts of the queer community were vey angry at the way they were treated; she understood why.  She didn’t see this as anything other than righteous anger at injustices suffered. 

They hung around till the end of the march, when everyone started to disperse.  Rhianna brought over Kris, the speaker that had spoken about violence against the queer community and Vicki, the young trans woman that had spoken about the medical rights of trans people in Britain. 

“Hey let’s go grab some Chinese food.”  Rhiannon said after introducing everyone, gathering her uni friends to her and her new activist friends. 

“Are you all part of the queer community?”  Kris asked them.  Jeff opened his mouth to answer and Louis was already shaking his head.

“Why does it matter?”  Pierre asked and Rae caught an edge of concern in his tone. 

“I don’t associate with straight people.”  Kris answered.  “I fucking hate you lot.”  He said with clear hostility, looking at Louis. 

“I am always cautious of any group that seeks to distance themselves from those that oppress them.”  Pierre answered.

“Oh look, another straight guy who doesn’t like the idea of safe places for gay people.”  Kris shot back angrily. 

“I understand why people in oppressed groups need safe spaces, but that is not the same as creating a type of apartheid Kristofer.”  Pierre answer.  “It is not the same as hating.”

“It’s Kris.  And you don’t know a thing about-” 

“I know more than you think Kris.”  Pierre answered.

“And what do you know about the suffering of the queer community?”

“I know nothing about the suffering that you and your people have faced.  But I do know of suffering.  Pulling away from those that oppress us is not the way to end suffering.”  Pierre told them, “I understand why you would want to.  How can you be close in any way to those that oppress you?  But the alternative to learning work with them, is horrific.” 

“What would you-” Kris began in an antagonistic tone but Rhianna, knowing the twins’ background held up her hand.

“What d’you mean, Pierre?”  She asked him. 

“Why are you giving this straight guy any of your time?”  Kris asked.

“I understand your hostility towards me.”  Pierre answered honestly, “But listen to me.  In Rwanda, where I am from, the Tutsi were the ruling class.”  He said softly, “and the Hutu were servants  The situation has been likened to European serfdom, with the Tutsi being the lords, and the Hutu being the serfs.”  He explained, “The Tutsi were wealthy, and owned cows, while Hutu worked the land.  The Tutsi would lend the Hutu cows for their service and labour.”  Rae thought about what Pierre had said about owning land and their Hutu workers.  “When the colonisers came, the Germans used the Tutsi, thinking them to be whiter and more noble, to rule over the Hutu.  They only allowed the Tutsi to be educated and to have any say in colonial politics.  They were brutal oppressors.  After the world war, the Belgians took over and at first they continued to use the Tutsi as the ruling elite and the Hutu were brutally oppressed.  There were acts of genocide committed against the Hutu, but this is often forgotten or denied.  When the Tutsi wanted independence, the Belgians threw their support behind the Hutu and told them to challenge and overthrow their oppressive Tutsi rulers.” 

“Oh shit.”  Rae whispered; she hadn’t known all of this history.  Miranda listened, horrified and Louis had his eyes lowered.  Rae completely understood what Pierre was saying now. 

“It was Belgium’s fault?”  Jeff said slowly.

“It was not entirely their fault.  The Hutu had a righteous rage against their oppressors.”  He turned his eyes to Kris, “They were not wrong to be angry.”  Pierre said meaningfully, “But then the Hutu turned the Tutsi into an oppressed minority.  But even though the Tutsi had little power now, the hatred lingered as if they still did.  The Tutsi had a rebel army desperately fighting for our rights, but still, the Hutu believed Tutsi had all the power.  Hutu had learned to hate those that had oppressed them so vehemently that it allowed them to see Tutsi as not human.  And that allowed them to kill them… to kill us…”

“You’re talking about the Rwandan genocide.”  Kris understood.

“Over a million Tutsi were slaughtered.”  Pierre answered, “Did we deserve that?”  He asked meaningfully.  “Many of us were not in the ruling class of Tutsi and were simple farmers.  But we were all painted with the same brush.  They hated us so much, they wanted to kill all of us.  Every single one of us.  The radio station called for civilian Hutu to go back out and find us all, because the graves were not yet full.”

“It’s a false equivalency.”  Kris answered, “The Tutsi were a minority that ruled the majority.  Here, queers are minority being oppressed by the majority.  We could never commit genocide against them.”

“Maybe not.”  Pierre agreed, “But why would you want or encourage that kind of hate, whether genocide could be achieved or not?”  He asked, “Why would you want hate in your heart?”

“I don’t.”  Kris answered, “I just wanna live, and they’re killing us.”

“And you think hate is how you will live.”  Pierre mused, obviously upset by this conversation, but holding himself together with impressive dignity.

“Did you have any safety?”  Miranda asked, “Being half Hutu?”

“No.”  Pierre answered and Rae noticed Miranda’s eyes turn to Louis.  Rae squeezed Pierre’s hand, “Our father was branded a traitor and was marked for death, all of us were seen as Tutsi cockroaches or Hutu traitors.” 

“How’d you get out?”  Vicki asked with a voice filled with deep compassion.

“Tutsi generally had more money, even after a long time of Hutu turning the tables and starting to oppress Tutsi.  And it is because of my mother’s wealth that we could afford to bribe our way across the country, aided by many Hutu traitors until we met Pierantonio Costa, who smuggled what remained of our family across the border to Burundi.”

“It was almost another 3 years before we were allowed to live in England.”  Louis added quietly.

“My point is, you can fight injustice, but you must do it without hate for your fellow humans ever being allowed to creep into your heart.”  Pierre told Kris, “Hate injustice, hate a system that oppresses, hate that people are not aware of all of this.  But do not hate a people.  Never hate a people.  Because when you truly hate a people, it becomes easy to dehumanize them… and far too easy to kill them.”

“They’re committing genocide against us.”  Kris answered.

“I do not argue that.  Nor do I argue that it is unjust.”  Pierre answered, “Nor do I argue that you must not protect yourselves.  But you do not do that by hating a people.”  Pierre answered, “I beg you to reconsider your hatred for straight people.  I do not ask you to trust them, or to not defend yourself or to stop rallying and fighting for justice.  I ask you simply to do it without hate.”

“I will never stop calling for a revolution.”  Kris answered, “And if that needs to come with violent protest, then so be it.”

“When people call for revolution, I am there with them.  This world is cruel and terrible, and I too want it to be just and fair and equitable.  People say that this will not be achieved without violence.  Like how they destroyed capitalism in Russia, Vietnam, Cambodia… Where the people destroyed their ruling class… and turned on themselves and committed such acts of sheer atrocity.  We destroyed our ruling class too.”  Pierre said, “they are guessing that as much as 70% of the Tutsi population was murdered.  Would you want 70% of the straight population murdered?  What are you really asking for when you say that you want revolution and are willing to use violence to get it?”

“Riots have gotten results in the past.”

“A riot is not the same as hating a people.”  Pierre returned. 

“When they stop killing us, maybe my heart’ll bleed for ‘em.”  Kris answered, “It’s funny how the oppressed people are always the ones asked to play nice.  Maybe some of them should die.”

“Well perhaps the Tutsi genocide was acceptable then.  In your way of thinking.”  Pierre answered, “But I am done with such thoughts; I heard them for 100 days while we fled for our lives, I heard them blasting from the radios, telling the Hutu where us Tutsi cockroaches were fleeing to and from, as they hunted us down.  My stomach is full up with it and it makes me sick.”  He sounded disgusted, “I do not want your people to die.”  He said honestly, “But hating people will never be the answer to any question.”  Pierre gently led go of Rae’s hand, “I am not hungry Rachel, you enjoy your lunch and I will see you back at the apartment.”

“No, I’m coming with ya.”  Rae said as Pierre turned away from Kris.  “See you guys later.” 

In the end, only Rhianna stayed to have lunch with Kris and Vicki; Jeff, Louis and Miranda walked back with Rae and Pierre to the apartment.  Miranda cooked them pasta for lunch.

That night Rae couldn’t get to sleep; she was thinking about what Pierre had said.  She got up out of bed and turned on the computer.  As it booted up she looked over at him sleeping.  The university had bought into the ADSL trials, so the internet connected silently and Rae tapped at the keyboard as quietly as she could:

_Rwandan Genocide._

She started to read the information that came up, trying to wrap her head around what he had been through.

“Rwanda had a population of 7.3 million people, 84% of them were Hutu…”  She mumbled through the statistics, “15% Tutsi, 1% Twa.”  She whispered to herself.  “Over a million Rwandans were killed over a period of 100 days.  70% of the Tutsi population and 20% of the total Rwandan population were killed.”  Rae couldn’t get her head around that: 70% of a people were slaughtered.  “It is estimated that in the 1st 6 weeks 800,000 Rwandans, mostly Tutsi were killed, this is at a rate that is 5 times higher than Jewish holocaust under Nazi Germany.  The Rwandan government give the number of dead as 1,174,000.  That amounts to 10,000 people killed every day during the genocide, 400 every hour… 7 every minute.”  Rae stared at her screen in silence.  How did someone come back from this?  Where were the men that had committed these atrocities?  But there it was, written on her screen; they had fled over the borders and were regrouping.  “The interahamwe created rape squads from men freed form hospital; men who were known to have AIDS.  Nearly every female survivor of the genocide was raped.”  Rae remembered Pierre mentioning his aunt, “and two thirds of them were infected with AIDS.  Oh god…”  She whispered in horror of the ongoing effects of the genocide, “thousands of widows, 400,000 orphans, 85,000 of which were forced to become the head of their household.  10,000 babies born from rape.”  Rae shook her head.  “And these babies are stigmatised, many were infected with AIDS from their mothers…”  She flicked through to another article and saw descriptions of the horrors, pictures of mutilated corpses, the descriptions of soldiers taking as long as they could to kill people, hacking at them for hours, sometimes days with their machetes, of girls as young as 6 being gang raped with such brutality that their vaginas spilt open, of people cowering in churches being burned to death.  Rae put a hand over her mouth and felt the tears in her eyes.  She looked back over at Pierre. 

How did someone come back from this?  And where were the survivors.  Some of them were now violently re-oppressing the Hutu, some were refugees, scattered across the globe.  Now there were Hutu refugees too; perpetrator and victim living side by side in squalid refugee camps. 

It was strange to think of Pierre as one of the lucky ones.  She closed all of the webpages and took a deep breath; she couldn’t stand to read anymore of it tonight.  But she knew she would read a lot more about it later.  When she could stomach it.

As she lay down beside him and his arm went around her waist, she became painfully aware of how lucky she was to be able to turn off a computer and be free of that horror tonight, rather than terrified and running for her life and unable to disconnect from this horrific reality. 

Sunday was spent lazily watching tv and eating the mammoth amounts of comfort food Miranda was making.  And of course there was more sex; she had lost count of how many times she had cum over this weekend.

That night Rae had her first dose of understanding what it was like to be with a person who suffered PTSD when Pierre woke up screaming in the middle of the night.

It had taken him some time to calm down, and he had needed some time alone; he went for a run at 2 in the morning.  When he had returned he had explained that he had not wanted to use angry tones on her, but his dream had been a memory and had evoked a lot of pain and anger.  So he had run it out of his system. 

He did not wish to tell her what the dream had been about and she did not push.

But he did tell her that all of this talking about the genocide may have stirred it up in him.  She completely understood Louis’s unwillingness to talk about it now.

He had looked exhausted on Monday morning, but he had kissed her tenderly before heading off.  They promised to write or call every day, and he’d be back on Friday night. 

It had only been one weekend and Rae already completely adored him. 

*

_Dear everyone!_

_I have some news!_

_I have met the most wonderful man, named Pierre.  And we’re dating now!_

_He’s a little older than me.  Very mature and sexy and kind.  And oh my god, he is incredible in the sack!_

_And I have to admit that he might know music a bit better than me… well some music he knows better.  But I know British music better than anyone!  (That includes you Finn!)_

_Anyway, you all have to come and meet him!  Whatever happened to the road trip to Bristol you lot were all planning?  Get ya arses down here!_

_He visits every weekend, so all you have to do is come on a weekend and you’ll get to meet him._

_We been together for 2 weeks and it feels like we been together 2 years.  We just get on so well._

_He really gets me.  I love it!_

_Anyway, I gotta go do homework.  Turns out, you gotta do homework at uni… who knew?_

_Love yas all_

_Rae_

_xo_

*

_Dear Mum, Karim and Jazz_

_Everything’s going amazing here.  But I do miss ya all.  I wish we could visit each other._

_I’m just writing to apologise for not calling last weekend again.  I’m just not gonna be able to call on weekends mum.  I know what you’re gonna say; that Pierre’s not more important than me family.  I know!  But I only get to see him on weekends.  And I know I never get to see you, but we can talk more during the week, cos you’re paying for all my bills here!  He can’t afford to call me very often and I don’t wanna use your money to call him, so the only time I really get to hear his voice is on the weekends._

_Anyway, I was hoping we could change our call nights to Monday and Thursday, I talked to Jeff and he’s willing to swap._

_Can’t wait to call you tomorrow and have you tell me all about what’s going on in Tunisia.  You’ll have to catch me up with the ongoing saga of the neighbour’s missing goat ok?  And have you won over Karim’s sister yet? (I bet you will mum, how can she resist you?)_

_I love you all so much, and I miss you all!_

_Love Rae_

_Xoxoxox_

*

_Dear Chloe_

_I just wish I knew what I could do to help him._

_I read some stuff in the library about PTSD, they said that in therapy the aim was to try to return the person to the way they were before the traumatic event.  And I’m sitting here constantly thinking to myself ‘how do ya come back from that?’_

_He’s had a couple of flashbacks around me, and nightmares.  He’s clearly still very traumatised.  And the more I read about the genocide, the more I understand why and the more amazed I am that he’s able to function at all._

_I’ll try the chamomile tea ritual before bed, thanks for thinking of that._

_Anyway, enough of my issues._

_On to you._

_I’m sorry Chlo, but if he’s not gonna respect your study schedule maybe Robbie’s not the guy for you?  I think you need a lad that understands and respects what’s important to you.  And I know you’re just gonna say that I never liked Robbie cos he thinks Oasis are shite, which I maintain is a serious strike against him, but it’s not as important as whether he’s making happy or not._

_Is he?_

_Tell Archie to stop being a slut and snag that Simon guy that’s been hanging around him if he feels that way.  But we both know he won’t cos he’s enjoying himself too much.  I guess really you should tell him that there’s no such thing as a slut.  Remember that talk we had when you had that one night stand?  About how Leandra talked me through the purity myth and shit?  Just try and help him understand that.  Cos I don’t think it helps when Finn and Chop tell him he’s a guy and guys don’t worry about this stuff.  I think it just makes him feel worse, ya know?  He’s really only got 2 options, either he stops sleeping around or he accepts that there’s nothing wrong with it.  He is being safe right?  Cos if he’s not you gotta make him go and get blood tests and give him the safe sex talk._

_God it’s like having our own child!_

_Anyway everything else in Bristol is good.  Jeff says hi and he’ll return your email soon.  It’s really been a busy month for him; his grandma’s been real sick.  He probably already told you.  I’m glad you two are friends._

_How’s everything there?  Did you get the news back about your sister yet?  Is she preggers?_

_Alright, we’re both very busy and very important ladies, so I gotta go babe._

_Love you, miss you._

_Rae_

_xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo_

*

When the door slammed opened, Pierre didn’t respond like everyone else would; he was clearly terrified for a moment.  But he pulled himself together quickly as Rae pulled the blankets up over them; they’d been about to make love on Saturday morning, 6 weeks into their relationship. 

But there was Chloe and Archie at her door, both grinning like fools. 

“Surprise!”  Archie said, having not noticed Pierre’s unease.  But Chloe, who Rae had talked to in depth about Pierre’s PTSD, did notice it.

“We’re here for the day,” She said warmly, “And we’ll wait for ya outside.”  She grabbed the doorknob, “No shagging you two!  We only got ya for a day.”  Her voice was breezy but Archie stared at her in confusion; the plan had been to annoy the crap out of Rae by sitting on the bed with her and the new lad Pierre.  As soon as Chloe had closed the door, Rea and Pierre heard Archie’s voice.

“Well he’s fucking gorgeous!” 

“I know!”  Chloe answered excitedly. 

Rae and Pierre stared at the closed door.  She put a hand on his chest and could feel his heart beating fast, she could see the deep breaths he was taking to calm himself.  Rae knew not to draw attention to his anxiety so she chuckled lightly.

“That’s Chloe and Archie.”  She told him.  He gave her a wan smile, bravely attempting to be a genuine smile, but she could feel he was still getting himself together.  Doors slamming open always scared both he and Louis. 

“They seem to be as exuberant as you said they would be Rachel.”  He said and sat up slowly.  She stroked his back soothingly as he took some deep breaths and he turned to give her a grateful smile.  “You are a good woman Rachel.” 

“Aye I know.”  She laughed.  “Let’s get some breakfast and deal with our two unexpected guests.”

“They are here to meet me.  To evaluate if I am good enough for you.”  He answered and stood up, “I fear I have made a bad first impression.” 

“Maybe they’ve made a bad first impressing on you, barging in here like that.”  Rae received another grateful smile followed by a deep kiss.  “Don’t kiss me like that, we’ll never get out o’ the room.”  She breathed lustily to him.  He groaned and pulled some pants on, his eyes not leaving Rae, his thoughts very obviously lustful.  Rae teased him by bending over and sucking his cock for a few minutes, before he’d had chance to do his fly up.

“You are a Satanic woman.”  He moaned, watching her lips on his cock.

“You don’t believe in Satan.”  Rae answered cheekily as she straightened up, kissed his cheek demurely and skipped out of the room, wearing her dressing gown.  “Right fuckers, I gotta have a shower, so you two can cook us some breakfast.”

“It’s 10am and you still haven’t had breakfast?”  Archie answered unimpressed.  “I been up since 6 to get here!”

“Calm your tits Archie.”  Rae shot back, “I was fucking my gorgeous boyfriend for most o’ last night, you’re lucky you found us awake at all.”  She pulled a face at him and went into the bathroom, leaving the door open for Pierre.

“I-”  Pierre started to introduce himself.

“Go!”  Archie waved him off.

“We’ll meet each other over breakfast.”  Chloe said with a grin.  Pierre nodded, smiling at how much the three friends obviously loved each other, and went to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

The breakfast Archie had gone out and bought for them was delicious and they sat around the lounge room afterwards chatting, Jeff joined them, but Miranda and Louis were already out doing various things.

“So you met Rae through Louis?”  Archie asked and Pierre nodded. 

“I came to visit Louis for Christmas, and met Rachel when I was lost trying to find his dormitory.  I told her she was a beautiful woman.”  He grinned at her.

“In his own language so I couldn’t understand it!”  Rae countered laughing with him.

“I was shy.”  He explained to them.  “How could I not be when faced with such beauty.” 

“You’re a charmer alright.”  Chloe told.

“Oh no, I was quite inept in my attempts to gain Rachel’s attention and affection!”  He countered.

“Rubbish.”  Rae said shaking her head.  “He was smooth as a lake on a moonlit night.”  Archie and Chloe stared at her in disbelief, “oh fuck, I been reading too many romantic classics for literature studies.”  She groaned, setting them off laughing at her. 

“Hey why d’you let him call ya Rachel?”  Archie asked Rae, “She never lets any of us call her that.”  He told Pierre.  Pierre turned to look at Rae

“You never told me to-”

“I like the way you say me name.”  She answered simply.

“Well if you’re gonna have a sexy accent, might as well use it.”  Chloe told him.

“So it is sexy?  The way I say Rachel?”  Pierre asked Rae.

“God yes.”  Archie breathed, and then looked horrified that he’d said that out loud.  They stared at Archie for a moment before they burst out laughing.

“I think you’re in mate.”  Jeff told Pierre.

“What a shame I am already in a relationship.”  Pierre answered humbly and gave Archie a cheeky wink.  Rae and Chloe laughed when they noticed Archie’s blush. 

*

_Dear Rae_

_Ok, I like him._

_I give you permission to keep dating him._

_Love Archie_

_xo_

*

_Dear Rae_

_I’m gonna reply to the rest of your email tomorrow.  But for tonight I just have to send you this:_

_GET BLOOD TESTS!_

_What the hell babe?  You fucked Jeff without knowing him without condoms?  And Pierre?  Look I know they seem to be good guys, and I’m sure they are (I mean I love both of them!) but that don’t mean that they don’t have something._

_Please babe.  You’re too important to me for you to be messing around like this._

_Please be safe._

_I love you._

_Chloe xo_

*

_Dear Diary_

_Well my blood tests came back clear, Chloe was glad to know that, and I promised her I’d be more careful in the future with condom usage.  But to be honest, I really don’t think I’m ever gonna need them again._

_I love Pierre._

_I didn’t know if I’d ever love someone else after Finn, but I do._

_I mean I’ll always love Finn – he’s Finn.  But I know that’s a relationship that’ll never happen.  Finn’s too caught in a rut, stuck in the same place, and everything we seemed to have in common just isn’t there anymore.  Even with music he seems to be caught in the 90s.  I think I’m finally ok with the idea of never being with Finn again.  And it’s not just because of Pierre.  I’ve been alright with knowing that I’ll never have Finn again for some time now._

_And now I think that maybe Pierre’s the one?_

_Now I know it’s only been 2 months.  So I’m keeping me head firmly on me shoulders…. But I can’t deny how I feel and I really don’t want to._

_I’m in love again._

_And it feels amazing._

_I don’t know what it is about him.  We just seem to fit so perfectly._

_He’s so good at communicating, so I always know exactly where I stand with him so I never have to worry about any of that shite.  My anxiety around him is next to zero and I can’t say that about almost anyone else._

_I love him._

_I love him and I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him._

_The only dark spot in our relationship is my worry about his PTSD.  But I know he’s working through it, and I’m here for him.  In a way, I think it makes me worry less about being mental, cos he’s mental too!  But not like Liam who was all self-destructive and dragging me down with him.  Pierre is getting better and working at it daily, just like me.  He’s an inspiration really.  And he says I am!_

_I told him he had a much better reason for being mental than I did, and he told me mental illness didn’t work like that.  You can get a broken leg saving the world or tripping down the stairs.  Sure one makes a better story, but the leg is still just as broken either way._

_This is what he told me._

_He gets it._

*

Rae woke up to hearing two men speaking in raised voices in a language she didn’t know, but she recognised from Pierre speaking in his sleep.  She got up and pulled her door open angrily.

“What the hell is going on?”  She spat angrily at Louis, coming to the defence of Pierre without even knowing what the argument was about.  Louis instantly looked away but Pierre broke into a grin.  That was when Rae realised she was completely naked.  “Fuck.”  She closed the door, but only a few seconds later Pierre entered the room, chuckling softly. 

“Shut up you!”  Rae answered his amused face.  “It’s not my fault I fell asleep naked in bed, waiting for ya to get here!  I work very hard all week at uni and at the green grocer’s.  I’m exhausted!”  She said looking at the clock; it was 10pm on Friday night, he was usually here much earlier.  She looked back up at him, about to ask why he was late.  “You’re all sweaty.”  She noted as he put his bag down.

“The car broke down, so I jogged here.”  He answered looking at her with an exhausted but happy smile. 

“You jogged here?”  Rae asked incredulously, “From Bath.”

“I wanted to see you tonight.”  He answered, “And my uncle would not look at the car until tomorrow morning.”  He shrugged and sat down on her bed.  “Am I too disgustingly sweaty to get a kiss?”

“Nope.”  Rae answered, thinking she’d probably fuck his brains out in a minute.  “What were you two arguing about?”  She asked as she straddled him and put her arms around his neck.  He put his hands on her waist and had a very obvious moment of appreciation for her before he answered.

“He was upset that I would go to such trouble as to run here for you, when we are not together long.”  Pierre answered, “It is the same argument as always.  My brother, he is very Christian, and I am no longer Christian at all.  It is a constant source of tension between us.  My love for you is a constant reminder to him of my lapse in faith.”

“Did you say love?”  Rae asked and Pierre’s happy expression deepened. 

“Yes I did Rachel.”  He answered, “I was intending to have a very serious conversation with you this weekend.  We have only been together for 2 months, but already I know that I love you.”  He said, “It is alright, if you are not so sure of your feelings.  I love you regardless of whether you return the feeling, and please don’t take my affection to be pressure on you to-”

“I love you too.”  Rae stopped him.  “I even wrote all about it in me diary last night.”  She told him.  She watched him stare into her eyes, a look of wonder and happiness on his face.

“I am so happy right now Rachel.  I am waiting for something to snatch it away.”  He laughed slightly. 

“Not gonna happen.”  She told him and kissed him.  “And I… am gonna fuck your brains out.”  She told him as she pushed him back onto the bed. 

*

“What am I signing?”  He asked Rae after he had signed it.

“It’s a petition to get better wheelchair access to the dorms for Mike.”  Rae answered and put it down on her side again.  “I been getting signatures all week.” 

“A worthy cause.”  Pierre noted and gave her the book in his hand.  “It is a book of Rwandan children’s stories.  I thought it might help for your children’s literature unit.” 

“Brilliant.”  Rae looked through he book happily.  “You’re so thoughtful, thank you for this.” 

“It is nothing.”  He sat down on her bed and took off his shirt, lying down he opened his arms to her.  “My mother used to tell me these stories.  And I told them to my siblings and cousins and some other young children in the refugee camp.”  Rae settled into his arms, the book still in her hands.  “One of the first things I did when we got here, was seek out a copy of this book.  In English as my mother’s copy had been.  My mother’s copy, that she had given to me, was lost along with everything we owned, when the interahamwe came for us.” 

“You don’t have to lend it to me Pierre.  This book’s too important to you.”  Rae answered. 

“I am not lending the book to you Rachel,” He pulled her closer, “I am giving it to you.”  He kissed the top of her head.  Rae felt choked up and cleared her throat. 

“Well I’ll have to read ya a story.”  Rae said cheerily.  “Thank you.”  she whispered in an emotional voice.

“I’ll enjoy hearing the stories in your accent Rachel.”  He answered with a grin.

*

Rae woke in the middle of the night to Pierre muttering in Kinyarwanda beside her.  He was obviously having a nightmare.  One of his hands was balled into a fist by the side of his head, the other gripped the sheets, his head shook in a constant ‘no’ as his speaking became more rapid and terrified. 

“Pierre.”  She whispered. 

And he screamed, his fist punching out.  Rae felt the air swish past her ear as his fist hit the space beside her head, missing her comfortably, but still startling her as he screamed and started to plead in a mixture of Kinyarwanda, French and English. 

“Pierre!”  She said louder, putting her hands on his shoulders to awaken him.  He started violently, as if her hands could kill him, his eyes flying open a his hand flew to her shoulders to push her away. 

It took only a moment for him to realise who’s upper arms he was grasping so tightly, and he immediately let go of her, his eyes confused, his breath coming in short, sharp gasps.

“Rachel?”  He panted.  Rae could feel his whole body panting and shaking in terror.  “Rachel….”  He was clearly horrified that he might have hurt her.  “Are you alright?”

“Aye I’m fine.”  But she had barely gotten the words out before he was pulling her into his arms desperately.

“I am so sorry.  Did I hurt you?”  His tone was desperately sorry

“I’m fine, I’m fine.’  She soothed him, but she could hear the panic, terror and tears in his voice. 

“I could not stand to hurt you.”

“You didn’t.  You won’t.”  Rae told him firmly.  Although her heart was still thumping in her chest.  Waking up to his screams never got easier.  Rae had asked Miranda, whose room was next to Louis’s if he had nightmares too, and she had told Rae that he did.  To Jeff’s credit, he never mentioned the screams.  Rae wondered if he slept through them, the rooms in the apartment were fairly well insulated and Jeff was a heavy sleeper nowadays.  On the other side of the apartment, Miranda had never heard Pierre screaming at night.  But she heard Louis. 

They hugged for a long time, Pierre desperately trying to pull himself together.

“I might need to run.”  He whispered apologetically. 

“If you need to go out running, you do that.”  Rae told him and sat up. 

“I just keep seeing her in my head.”  He told her.  Rae had never pushed him to tell her anything and she had no intention of doing it now.  She stroked his face gently and he closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth and tenderness of her soft touch. 

“Do you what you have to do.”  She whispered to him. 

“When they came, my father was with our Hutu employees; the ones that had stayed with us as things got worse.  He had gone to tell them to flee.  My father is Hutu, you remember?  My Hutu uncle, my father’s brother, had told him that Hutu traitors would be exterminated just like the Tutsi cockroaches.  And you remember that my mother was Tutsi?”  Pierre wasn’t really asking her, his eyes were on the ceiling, unfocused, distant and filled with grief and horror, “My older brother had gone to find the Tutsi girl he liked in the village, to bring her and her family to our home for safety.  We had an enclosed house; with a fence.  We thought it would be more safe.  My mother was helping the neighbours.  Before she left she told us to look after our younger brothers and sisters.  She said under no circumstances were we to put them in any danger.  She said we were not to be brave if they came to the house; we had to run, out the cellar doors to try and find my father in the fields.  And if we could not find him, we had to keep running until we found the Burundi border.  She made us promise to keep them safe, no matter what.  She made us promise, you understand Rachel?”

“Aye.”  He looked so torn up about that promise.  “I understand.”

“We did not realise that our father had dead bolted the back door for our safety.”  Pierre said sadly.  “My mother left through the front door to find and help our neighbours.  And locked the door behind her.  It was also dead bolted.  When they came, they were dragging my mother, the girl that my older brother liked, and several other women with them.  The men were already covered in blood.  It was clear they had killed all the Tutsi men and children they had found, but had kept the Tutsi women alive.  They taunted us and told us to come out.  We could not, not only from our promise to our mother, but also for being locked in.  Louis was worried about breaking the windows  to escape; he was sure they would hear us.  I looked at these angry, hate-filled Hutu men… and I saw amongst them my own uncle.  The one that had warned my father, and had tried to protect him by saying my mother was an evil Tutsi seductress.  He was the one dragging my mother.  My father’s brother was the one…”  He paused for a long time, Rae squeezed his hand in support and waited silently for him to lead the conversation wherever he wanted it to go.  “They started to…”  Rae saw his brows furrow, his eyes told her the horror of what had happened.  She stroked his face gently  “They started to hack at the women with machetes.”  Rae stopped herself from saying anything and watched him as he stared at the ceiling, “I watched my uncle hack my mother’s arm off.  And as she lay on the ground bleeding I saw her look at the house, and see me in the window.  Her eyes pleaded with me.  Not for herself, but for me to keep her children safe.  They hit her with machetes in the stomach and then as she screamed and cried and bled, her intestines were… they were…and then… then they raped her.  My uncle was the first to violate her.  And as he was on her, the others were kicking her in the head and face.  So much hate… They knew she was my mother, my uncle had told them this, it was clear!  And they knew that I could see what they were doing to her, that I could see her suffering.”  Rae desperately tried not to put a hand to her mouth and sob, she kept her focus on him, on trying to gauge what he needed from her.  “They did this to the other women as well.  I knew as they raped the woman my older brother had wanted to marry that he was dead.  He probably died trying to protect her and her family.  Louis kept our brothers and sisters at the back of the house and he did not see what happened to our mother.  I have never told him.  I have never told my father that it was his brother that was the most brutal to her.”  His eyes turned to Rae and she nodded that she understood.  “I have only told them that I know she is dead.”  He looked back up at the ceiling.  “I wanted so much to break the window and run out there to defend my mother.  But I would not have the last thing I ever did for her be a broken promise.  But that is not all,” He added with an ashamed voice, “I was afraid.  I did not want to die.”

“Of course you were afraid.”  Rae answered gently.

“I have often told myself I should have saved her and all my siblings.  But my therapist has been working with me on that.”  He said slowly, sadly, “They tortured and raped the women out the front of our house, and to deal with us, they set fire to the house.  Louis has some very bad burns on his back.”  Pierre told her, “The fire was so fast.  We broke a window and Louis told me to climb out first so he could pass the children out to me.  The roof was collapsing behind him as we escaped, he burned as he tried to save our youngest sister.  She died.”  He sounded broken, “We broke our promise to our mother.  My therapist says we could hardly be held accountable in the midst of a genocide for this… but I feel it in my bones Rachel.  We did not keep all of her children safe.”  Rae didn’t know what to say to him.

“Pierre…”

“My mother birthed 7 children.  Only 4 of us survived.”  He answered.  “Louis and I both know we failed her.”  He sat up and stared at the wall.  “My mother had three sisters.  Only one of them survived, my aunt who lives with us with her husband and 2 children; 3 of their children died in the refugee camps from malnutrition and illness.  We nearly lost Louis that way when the burns got infected.  But he survived it somehow.  My mother’s parents and aunts and uncles were all killed.  Of my entire mother’ s family, only her sister and her family, and four of her own children survived.  My aunt’s husband… his entire family was killed.  Of my father’s side of the family, only his sister, her husband and her children, other than her oldest daughter, were killed.  His brothers survived of course.  They called their sister a traitor for marrying a Tutsi man, but my father the victim of a Tutsi seductress for marrying a Tutsi woman.”  He was silent for a long time, Rae rubbed his back slowly, soothingly in the dark room.  “Louis was injured, and we were terrified and grieving and this made us almost forget our bearings.  We ran across the fields.  But they saw us and started to chase us.  We somehow found my father.  And we ran.  They fired at us.  My younger brother was shot in the leg.  I picked him up and we kept going.  Running and running.  We got to my aunt’s house.  The interahamwe had not gotten there yet.  It was then that I realised that my brother had bled to death in my arms as we fled.  The gunshot wound…”  He hands closed and then opened as if imagining holding his brother again.  “We took their car and drove away from the advancing interahamwe.”  Rae could almost see them: Pierre covered in his brother’s blood, that haunted look in his eyes, Louis in agony, trying to stay quiet as his burn wounds ached.  “The rest is a blur of hiding and bribing people, and being hidden, fear, hunger, pain, seeing the hacked up bodies of Tutsi, left where they were killed to rot… but we made it across the border and were safe.  There were just 9 of us left.  We didn’t find my other cousin, from my father’s sister, who had married a Tutsi man, until after the genocide.  She had been kept as a plaything for the Hutu army.  Raped and beaten and mutilated for months.  The Red Cross reunited us in the refugee camp.  She is afraid to leave the house now.”  Rae gently wrapped her arms around him and he seemed grateful.

*

The dorm was running a table tennis championship this weekend, and the brothers had entered in the men’s pairs division.  The doubles matches were all being held on Saturday, while the singles were all being held tomorrow on Sunday.  Rae hadn’t even bothered to enter.  But Jeff and Miranda were both in the singles comp tomorrow.  To enter everyone had to pay a quid, and that made the prize money up for the winners.  Jeff had shouted them all the entry fee.  He wasn’t rich, but he was easily the best off out of the whole group, so he liked to help out, and no one was complaining about that. 

Jeff, Miranda and Rae sat watching the twins demolish their opposition.  Rae was happy to see them working together and laughing happily, rather than arguing over Pierre’s relationship with Rae. 

The ball went out and Bella held up the ball.  Rae had often noticed that Bella was a fitting name for this beautiful, dark-skinned woman.

“No which one o’ you lads wants it?”  But her cockney accent was rough as guts.  Pierre and Louis both grinned at her.  Rae noticed how Pierre’s grin was more reserved than Louis’s.  she also noticed how he took a step back, leaving his brother to take the ball from the beautiful woman.

“Thank you.”  Louis answered and Bella gave him a wink.  Bella had flirted with Louis many times before and he always grinned like this, but nothing ever came of it. 

Rae could almost feel Miranda’s tenseness as Bella flirted with Louis.

“Sometimes I wonder if Louis doesn’t like me because I’m not black enough.”  She said as Louis looked back at Bella.  Jeff and Rae shared a look before they turned to Miranda, neither sure what to say. 

“Not black enough?”  Jeff asked cautiously. 

“I’m only quarter black.”  She answered and Jeff and Rae gave each other a wide-eyed expression; they’d both assumed she was white.  She certainly looked white. 

“On which side of the family?”  Rae asked.

“My mother was half Ghanaian, half white.  My father white.”  She answered, still staring at Louis.  “My parents were both born here.  So mum didn’t know anything about Ghana or… anything like that.”  She said sadly.  “Am I too white?”  She asked sadly.  “Some people, who were born in Africa, think that us lot aren’t of the diaspora, you know?”  Rae and Jeff shared anther look; this was well out of Rae’s area of expertise.  But Jeff understood the struggles of being mixed race a little more. 

“In my experience, people who discriminate based on that kind of thing aren’t worth knowing.”  Jeff answered, “And Louis is very worth knowing.” 

“You’re right.”  Miranda sighed.  “It’s just that whenever we’re alone… ugh, there’s just so much chemistry between us, but he never let’s it go anywhere.  I’m just sick of this limbo halfway between just going for it and giving up entirely.”

“I think the problem might be that’s he real Christian.”  Rae answered slowly, not sure that she should be saying anything at all.  “Like… you’re kinda hitting on him Mir, and I think he’s the kinda guy that wants to be in a relationship for long while afore he thinks about fucking.”

“You’re probably right Rae, and I do try for a relationship too.  I try so hard to create the emotional connection that I think he wants.”  Miranda answered, “But I always just end up pushing too hard, like when we first met Pierre, remember?  I just always but me fucking foot in me mouth.”

“Maybe don’t try so hard?”  Jeff asked.

“Oh I try to play it cool.”  She answered with a sigh, “I don’t know how to not be high octane.”  She made an annoyed sound.  “Maybe I’m imagining the chemistry and I’m just… mental…”  She shook her head.

“You’re not.”  Rae answered.

“Which?  Mental or imagining it?”

“Both.”  Rae answered, “I’ve noticed the chemistry too.”

“D’you believe in god?”  Jeff asked, “Maybe you can give him some god loving?”

“What the fuck is god loving?”  Rae asked, appalled at the idea.

“I dunno lass, just bible talk.”  Jeff answered and turned his eyes to Miranda.

“I dunno…”  Miranda answered, ‘I mean I kinda, sorta, maybe believe?” 

“Right.”  Rae answered, “Well I don’t think you should change yourself for him.  That’s just gonna fuck everything up.  Trust me.  You gotta be who you really are around him.”

“Who I really am…” Miranda said slowly, “Isn’t someone he’d be interested in.”  She finished sadly, watching Louis and Pierre laughing.

*

The sunlight streamed across them as they lay in bed talking, first about music, then about politics, then about her degree, then onto what degree he might want to do, how his work was going, what they would eat for lunch…

Rae loved how easy it was to talk to him. 

She also loved how easy it was to lay silently beside him and just enjoy his presence. 

*

“I still have not settled on a degree.”  Pierre said as he leafed through pamphlets from the university. 

“You gonna come to Bristol uni?”  Rae asked; Pierre was gong to study once Louis had finished his degree.

“I will go to whatever university is closest to wherever you are Rachel.”  He answered, still looking at the pamphlets.  She looked up at him and smiled; she felt warm and safe. 

*

She was running through fields, carrying something heavy in her arms, she could feel her clothes growing wetter, and she refused to acknowledge it was blood.  She felt her body shaking and the scene changed.

He was shaking her, yelling, he slapped her hard across the face and tore her clothes from her.  She screamed when he kicked her.

“Rachel!”  She woke up with a start, her heart racing, Pierre gently stroking her hair.  The room was dark but the sky outside was getting lighter; dawn was coming. 

“It’s fine.  I’m fine.”  Rae told him, trying not to pant with the remnants of fear she was feeling.

“That is the second nightmare you have had.”  Pierre said with a concerned face.

“It’s just stress.”  Rae lied.  She didn’t want him to know that she had been dreaming a lot about what had happened to him and his family.  She knew it would only worry him worse than he already was.  And she could sense what that would mean.  “Let’s make love.”

“Make love?”

“Good stress relief.”  Rae answered.

“I can not argue with that.”  He agreed, a smile starting to kiss his beautiful face.  “You know I love you very much Rachel.”

“And I love you.”

“Yes, I know.”  He answered and kissed her lips gently.

*

“Are there any special cultural things I should know about?”  Rae asked nervously; her mother was coming to visit soon.  To meet Pierre. 

“No.”  He answered breezily.  “But how will I ever come up with enough money to give your family.”  He said with a teasing tone and a cheeky grin.

“You what?”

“To marry you one day.”  He answered, cocking an eyebrow at her. 

“Like buy me?”  Rae laughed, “Are you teasing?”

“I never tease.”

“Bullshit!”  They laughed and he tucked her hair behind her ear, a look of complete happiness and love on his face.  But Rae had noticed a sorrow creeping into his face that worried her.  “Well just so you know, I have no intention of having 7 kids.”  She told him and they both laughed again. 

“As many as you want will be perfect.”  He answered.  “I love you so much Rachel.”

*

_Dear Diary_

_I keep having that bloody dream.  Like I’m the one running from the interahamwe._

_Chloe thinks it’s a sympathy thing, like how some fathers-to-be get morning sickness with their pregnant partners._

_I would like for it to fuck off now,  I need me sleep.  And I don’t like how worried Pierre looks when I wake up from them.  They’re just dreams.  Nothing for him to be worrying about._

*

Rae supressed a yawn and looked over at Miranda, her eyes glued to Louis as he spoke.  Their sociology units continued to be the only classes they shared. 

“The most important thing I have learned is that human beings have an immense ability to delude themselves.”  Louis said.  He was giving a long answer to the question of human nature.  Their professor nodded her head, “Even as my father was warned, by a very credible source, that a storm was coming,”  Rae knew that that credible source had been Louis’s uncle.  “He still did not move us out of the country.  Even as things grew worse, he denied to himself that it could get any worse.”  Louis paused for a moment in thought, “It happens all the time, from the women who deny that rape is an ever-present threat to all women, to the white man who denies that most of the current terrorist threats in the world are his fault and his actions will continue to raise that threat, to the parent who ignores their child’s cries for attention until it is too late, to the man who continues to drive even though he is tired… we live in denial of very real threats, while creating false threats, like a monster under the bed.  I think we do this because to live with the reality of our own fragility, the tenuousness of which we cling on to this life, is truly terrifying and it would paralyse us.  But we can not deny that fear either, so we translate it into something that scares us, but that we know is not really real.  We deny the very things that would kill us, like global warming, but are terrified of immigrants…”  He shrugged slightly, “From the big things to the smallest things, humans live in a constant state of denial of what is really happening in front of them.  I am yet to meet one who does not do this… or if they are now awake to that danger, I am yet to meet one who had not done it in the past.  Myself included.” 

“Sometimes I think it’s cos they don’t wanna have to do something about it… or take responsibility for their part in it.”  Miranda added.

“Perhaps they don’t want things to change because they are used to the way things are… or they like the way things are now.”  Louis said softly, “And do not want things to end.”

*

“And it was all in her hair!”

“MUM!”  Rae was blushing, but still laughing, even though she was so embarrassed she could die.

“So I will be changing our babies nappies?”  Pierre said with a teasing grin, laughing merrily as Linda regaled them with tales of Rae’s misadventures in babysitting. 

“I’ve got better at it!”  Rae answered with a laugh.

“I hope you’re not thinking of having babies any times soon!”  Linda said with a stern eye on Pierre, she made a clucking noise to make sure he knew how serious he was.

“I wouldn’t dream of depriving Rachel of the education you are paying for.”  Pierre answered wisely, “And I have an education of my own to attain.”

“It’s bloody odd hearing someone use the name I actually gave you Rachel.”

“No mum.”  Rae answered. 

*

“It was a bloody disaster.  But I’m home now.”

“I’m glad.”  Rae sat in the lounge room, Jeff was lying with his head on her lap, reading a comic book and humming softly to himself.  Louis was in his room, the door open, studying and Miranda was out somewhere.  Linda had stayed for just 2 nights; Thursday and Friday, but it had been so good to see her.  Rae had wished she could bring Jazz, but Jazz had had an ear infection.

“I like him Rae.  I like him a lot.”

“Me too mum.”

*

Rae was exhausted; between her dreams and Pierre’s dreams she hadn’t slept a whole lot this weekend.  She was yawning her way through her literature lecture; lucky she was up to date with her readings.

He had told her that in the past he had never spent the night at anyone’s house for fear of his nightmares waking them up.  He was all apologies about his nightmares. 

Rae was always telling him not to worry, not to stress about this because she was sure his fretting over her was making his nightmares worse and more frequent.

But whether the nightmares got worse or better, Rae didn’t care; she was in this with him, and they’d get through it.

It was difficult; his trauma was real and deep, but she knew he was working on it, and she understood that mental health issues took time.  It turned out that she was well-equipped for this kind of thing because she understood how difficult it was, how one could feel like a burden.  She just had to make sure he knew that he was a blessing in her life, not a burden.

*

The way he touched her was beyond words. 

His fingers were filled with love, and there was magic between them.

The taste of him felt like home.

She could drink him in for hours.

She could look at him for a lifetime.

*

Rae’s eyes shot open.  the only upside to waking up to Pierre’s nightmares this time was that she had been in the middle of her own nightmare. 

Always the running.  Running through the fields.  The gunshots ringing out behind her. 

He was frantic, screaming, crying out in his three languages as he always did.  She tried to calm him, tried to touch him.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”  He roared.  He scrambled from the bed, tripping on the blankets.

“Pierre!” 

He half ran, half crawled, stumbling to the door, pulled it open frantically and ran from her room, completely naked.  Rae gathered the sheet around her and followed to see him throwing the door open and running out.  She ran to the door to see him running down the corridor like all the demons of hell were fast on his heels. 

Half an hour later, Rae was sipping tea, worried but keeping it together, when there was a knock on the door. 

She got up and pulled her dressing gown closer around her.  Thankfully no one else had woken up.  Or they’d had the good graces to stay in their rooms. 

She opened up the door to see a security guard and Pierre, wrapped in a blanket.

“Excuse me Ma’am.”  Rae knew that accent; the security guard was Rwandan as well.  That was probably why Pierre was being returned to her, rather than taken to the police station.  “This gentleman says he knows you.”

“He’s my boyfriend.”  Rae answered.

“I have told him that running around naked is not permissible.”  The guard said.

“He probably had a nightmare…”  Rae said pointedly.  The guard nodded and looked at Pierre.

“He says he doesn’t remember how he got outside.”

“Well I’m sure he can talk for himself.”  Rae said gently and Pierre looked up at her with a tortured, deeply apologetic expression. 

“Are you ok now sir?”  the guard asked Pierre.

“Yes.  Thank you.”  Pierre answered without barely raising his eyes to the guard. 

“Well I’ll leave you both to it.  Bring the blanket back tomorrow.”  He told them, “Good night.”  Rae thanked him and closed the door.

“C’mon.”  She said softly to Pierre and took his hand.  “D’you want a cuppa?”

“No thank you.”  He went into her room, looking sad and shamed.  Rae grabbed her tea and followed him. 

“You ok?”  She asked him and he nodded slowly, sitting on her chair.  “Did you cut your feet?”

“No I am made of tough stuff.”  He answered, “I am fine Rachel.”  Rae sat down on her bed and looked at him, “I am sorry.”  He kept his eyes lowered.  “Did I hurt you?”

“No.”  Rae answered, “You need to stop worrying about that ok?”  She said, “You’re-”-

“No Rachel,” He said softer, “I must be concerned with your safety and happiness above all else.” 

“Well you didn’t hurt me.”  She couldn’t think of what else to say.  “I mean I was a little worried about you running out, but I knew you’d be alright.”  She had had to talk herself through her worry while she had waited for his return. 

“I wish I gave you nothing to worry about.”  He answered.  Rae could hear the guilt in his voice. 

“Why do you feel guilty about your own trauma?”

“Because you should not have to go through this Rachel!”  Pierre answered passionately, “It is not fair that you must suffer because of my trauma!  I will not have it!  I will not hurt you!” 

“You didn’t hurt me!”

“But I scared you.”  Pierre shook his head.

“Look Pierre, no relationship is perfect.  Sometimes people get scared, sometimes people hurt each other.”

“I know this.”  He answered miserably, “But I will scare you and hurt you more than the average man.”  Rae saw the misery in his eyes.

“No.”  She answered gently, “No Pierre, that’s not-”

“Your dreams Rachel.”  He said softly.  “This fear has even invaded your sleep.”

“It’s nothing.”  Rae said desperately, feeling like something was being undone here, something that she wouldn’t be able to rescue if she didn’t do it in this moment.  “Chlo said it might be like sympathy nightmares, I reckon you might have sympathy morning sickness.”  She tried to remind him of the future they were working for together.  She leaned forward and took his hand.

“You think I should have children when I am like this?”

“Well… Not right now… but in the future.”  She stroked his face.  “That’s what I want with you.”

“I want that more than anything Rachel.”  He answered sadly. 

“Then that’s what we’ll have.”  She kissed his cheek.  “We’ll get through all of this, don’t worry.”  She kissed his other cheek.  “Let’s go back to bed?”

“Yes.  You need your sleep.”  His fingers gently traced the dark circle under one of her eyes, his hand on her cheek, very obviously revelling in her beauty and the feel of her skin.  But there was a sorrowful feeling to it this time; an undertone Rae didn’t like. 

“So do you.’  Rae answered firmly. 

*

Rae looked in the mirror.  She ran her fingers along her cheek up to her temple.  That’s where Claudine had a deep scar; a machete wound.  And it wasn’t even the most obvious scar on her face.  No that was her eyes.  One of them had been burned out, and the other was a deep pool of trauma and emotion.  She was soft spoken and polite, very obviously anxious but eager to please her cousin’s girlfriend.

Meeting Pierre’s family had been a wonderful and terrible thing.

They all had that same expression in their eyes. 

They were all warm and welcoming.

Pierre’s father was strong, stoic, and funny. 

His aunt was strong-willed, and ran the house with an iron fist.  And she was fiercely protective of her family. 

His uncle was obviously going through something right now; he had been working but was now unable to.  Louis had said that sometimes the trauma just caught up with you.

His younger brother and sister were 16 and 18 now.  Both were kind and talkative, but like Louis, if the discussion ever even came close to difficult they would become silent. 

His younger cousins were 8 and 13.  And they were a revelation; they seemed to be both deeply scarred and completely untouched by the genocide. 

And seeing Louis and Pierre with their family had been wonderful; the love and bond they had was remarkable.

But then, that wasn’t surprising.  She already knew that Pierre was capable of deep love. 

But as she talked to these wonderful people, she was jarringly reminded that just 5 years ago, nearly 6… these people had been running for their lives.  And Claudine…

Rae stared in the mirror.  Could she have survived it?  Any of it?

Finn had told her she was strong.  But was she that strong? 

She didn’t dwell on that thought, instead she turned her mind to the love and support the family had for each other.  If nothing else, she knew they’d be ok because they had each other, and they would never abandon each other. 

*

“They were growing in an abandoned lot near my home.”  Pierre answered as he handed Rae the hand-picked flowers, “they looked like they needed to see your beauty.”  He touched her cheek, “Rachel…”  he whispered her name, it was more than obvious to Rae that Pierre was a man in love.  But there was a sad undertone in his voice, a sorrow in his eyes.  Rae had noticed it the last few times they had spoken.  It worried her. 

*

She was tracing patterns on his skin. Both of them lying naked, happily, limbs entangled, sweaty from love-making.  Content. 

“I love you.”

“And I love you Rachel.  More than anything.”

*

The dream again.

She was running through the fields.

Gunshots. 

She looked over her shoulder into the darkness.

She could not see anything.  All that existed was her racing heartbeat and her feet pounding on the ground, and the heavy weight in her arms… the moisture slowly spreading out across her clothes…

She turned her head back to look ahead and there was very suddenly a man in front of her.

His eyes were cold and filled with hate, and he raised his arm. 

He swung a machete at her head.

Rae screamed. 

“Rachel!” 

“It’s just a dream, I’m fine.”  Rae answered frantically.  She knew how much this was worrying him.  But she wasn’t worried.  She knew it was just empathy, sympathy, compassion for him.  As he overcame his PTSD, she knew her dreams would lessen as his did. 

She laid in bed, panting, her heart beating fast, Pierre leaning over her. 

“What happens in the dream?”

“Nothing.”  Rae tried to soothe him, but her throat was dry.

“I will get you some water.”  He got up and returned with a glass of water.

“Thanks.  Rae sat up and drank the water gratefully.

“What happens in your dreams?”

“Nothing really.”  Rae answered, “I’m just running.”

“From what?”  He sat down next to her and gently stroked her back. 

“I don’t even know.”  Rae answered. 

“We are both running from my trauma.”  He answered softly.

“Don’t you go blaming yourself for this!”  Rae said firmly.  She was growing more afraid that he was blaming himself for her dreams.  He simply embraced her and held her close in response.  “I don’t even want you thinking about this!”  Rae reiterated, “It’s not like I went through all of that.  I don’t wanna make your recovery all about me.  It’s stupid that I’m having these dreams… but I promise you I’m alright.  So don’t even worry about me.  You worry about you and getting better.”

“I will always worry about you Rachel.”  He whispered. 

*

_Dear Diary._

_Three months and three weeks._

_That is how much happiness I had._

*

When he came in her room that Friday night, she had looked up from her homework, and instantly known something was wrong. 

“What is it?”  She asked.  He closed the door, shutting out her flatmates and took a deep breath before sitting on her bed. 

Somehow she knew what that expression on his face meant. 

She didn’t know how she knew what he was going to say; but she knew what was coming.

“Rachel-”

“Let’s make love.”  She whispered frantically, desperate to stop what was coming.  She saw the pain on his face as he looked up at her.

“I will always be making love to you… even when I am not near you.”

“Don’t do this.”  She pleaded.

“You know I must.”  He answered simply 

“Pierre.”  She answered miserably, tears coming to her eyes. 

“This isn’t what I want.  What I want more than anything, is to be marrying you when we have both finished university, and having beautiful babies, and spending our lives together.”

“Then let’s have that.”  She said, dropping to her knees in front of him and taking his face into her hands.  “Pierre… I know it’s been difficult.  And I know my dreams are worrying you… but I-”

“It’s not just your dreams Rachel.”  He answered softly, “I was a fool... I was not ready for this intimacy.”  Rae tried to hold back the sob.  She had known this.  She had felt the knowledge of this growing in both of them this past month.  “I so wanted to be ready, because… I fell in love you when we were emailing and…”  He shook his head, “I was… I am afraid that you will find someone else to love.  Someone who will love you the way you deserve.”

“That’s you.”  She cried miserably, “You love me the way I deserve.”

“I tried to.”  He answered, stroking a tear from her cheek gently, “I honestly did.  But I am not ready Rachel.  I do not know if I ever will be ready.”  She heard the depth of despair in his voice when he admitted that.  “I thought I was maybe well enough to just scrape by, to be able to be with you.  Oh lovely, beautiful Rachel.”  He stroked her cheeks tenderly.  “I love you so much.  But I am not ready to give you what you deserve.  I need therapy, more time.  And you deserve so much more than I can give you right now.” 

“Pierre.”  Rae cried and he took her into his arms.

‘I am so sorry Rachel.” 

“I can help you.”  She told him, desperately hoping he would change his mind, “You deserve love even though you’re not as mentally healthy as you’d like to be.”  She pulled away and looked him in the eyes, her voice halfway between pleading and angry, “Even though you’ve got work to do on yourself, it don’t mean you don’t deserve love, it don’t mean that you have to be alone, it don’t mean you’re a burden or that you don’t deserve good things!”   She sobbed and sniffed  “You don’t have to do this alone.  You never have to be alone just cos you got issues and-”

“I am not alone.  You know that.  You have met my family.”  He said gently.  “I can’t love you the way you deserve Rachel, I can’t give you everything I have in my heart for you…. I am too broken inside.”  He looked down, “How do I come back from what I have seen, what I have been through?”  He looked back up at her, “But I am trying, I will keep trying.  And if ever… if I ever I make it…”  He paused and then shook his head.

Rae was about to tell him she’d wait for him.  She was about to tell him that he should be with her anyway, even if he couldn’t love her the way she deserved.  She was about to tell him whatever it took to get him to stay.

But she stopped.

She deserved to be loved.  She deserved to live.  She deserved to be happy.

And he knew all of that.  He was sitting there telling her he could not give her what she deserved.  He was ending it with her despite loving her, despite the happiness they gave each other because he knew her worth.  Knew what she deserved.

And suddenly Rae did too. 

She nodded slowly.  She understood.

“I love you so much Pierre.”  Her voice was broken with emotion.

“I know.  And I love you Rachel.”  He answered, “But you should not have to spend your life tiptoeing around me; I hope to one day be a man you don’t have to.  But you mustn’t wait for me Rachel.”  He said this regretfully.  She understood that he wanted to ask her to wait.  But she also understood that he would never utter those words.  That he truly did not expect it, nor want that sacrifice from her.  “More than anything in this world, I wish you peace and happiness, uw’igikundiro.”  He kissed her forehead gently. 

“Can I have this weekend?”  She asked sadly.  He paused, obviously he had not thought that she would ask this.  She saw him thinking it through and then he nodded slowly.

“We can both have this weekend Rachel.”  He answered.

“I love you, so much.”  She said through her tears and kissed him.

“I love you too.” 

They made love.

It was the most emotional she had ever been during sex.  

They both cried and clung to each other.

They barely left her room for the entire weekend, having these last moments together. 

On Monday morning it took everything she had to let him go.  And he hesitated for far longer than he usually did.

“I will not visit next weekend.”  He whispered sadly to her as they embraced.

“I know.” 

“Goodbye Rachel.”

“Goodbye Pierre.”

He kissed her gently, and was gone. 

Rae closed the door behind him and went to her room and sat on her bed.  For a long time she simply stared at the wall, unable to comprehend what had happened.

She could still smell him in the room.

And like a car door slamming on her hand she realised that that smell would fade, and eventually be gone.

She slid off the bed to the floor and wept.  She could fell her entire body aching for what she had just lost. 

They loved each other, how could they not be together?  And while it made no sense to her, simultaneously, she understood his reasoning. 

She sobbed, her body wracked with pain and misery. 

She barely noticed Jeff come in and sit beside her silently.  He took her hand and she rested her head on his shoulder, his other hand came up to gently stroke her cheek. 

And still she wept. 

*

_Dear Diary._

_Three months and three weeks._

_That is how much happiness I had._

*

Rae sat in class feeling empty.  Washed out.  Exhausted.  She didn’t think she had any more tears left, and yet she still found tears leaking from her swollen, aching eyes from time to time. 

She was just hoping that numbness would take her soon, like it had with Finn both times. 

And hopefully the self-destruction she’d gotten into with Liam the first time wouldn’t follow her this time.  She had managed to avoid the self-destruction with Finn the second time because of Jeff. 

She hadn’t emailed the gang yet.  She hadn’t talked to Jeff either, although he had been a constant, strong presence this past week.

She was relying on herself to get through this.  She was letting herself feel what she felt.

She would talk to everyone once she had a better handle on her own thoughts and feelings.

As the lecture began, a very welcome sense of numbness finally weighed down on her.

She took notes. 

She went from class to class.

She did her homework.

She kept going.

*

Rae looked up at the clock in the kitchen.  If Pierre were coming this weekend, he’d have been here about 10 minutes ago.  Her heart ached.  She missed him so much.  She missed his daily emails, she missed knowing he would be here this weekend, she missed how they felt curled up together in bed.  This would be the first weekend in nearly 4 months that she hadn’t seen him. 

The numb feeling she had been experiencing started to lift and she excused herself from the lounge room to hide in her bedroom. 

She looked at the computer, there were no new messages in her inbox.  But that was to be expected; she hadn’t written to anyone all week, other than a quick gang email to tell them she was super busy.  A lie.  But she needed some time alone to process this break up with Pierre, and the lie had bought her time.

But she needed to email them and tell them something. 

She turned on the computer, tears started to leak from her eyes. 

There was a soft knock on the door.

“Yeah?”  She called out and Louis opened the door.  He came in, his eyes lowered, and quietly closed the door behind him. 

Rae’s heart ached every time she saw Pierre’s twin; they looked so alike, their biggest difference being Louis’s shortness.

He sat on her bed and took a deep breath before looking up at her.

“I have told him he is a fool.”  Louis said and Rae instantly broke out into tears. 

“I thought you didn’t approve.”  She sniffed and Louis sighed.

“I didn’t.”  He answered, “But it was never my choice to make.  And I know love when I see it.  You both love each other very much.  You should be together.”

“He said-”

“I know what his reasons are, you needn’t hurt yourself repeating them.”  Louis said with deep compassion.  “It was not just the teachings of Christianity that made me opposed to your relationship.  It was also that I know I am nowhere near ready for a relationship because of the trauma we went through.  And I doubted that he was.  And I worried for you.”  Rae gave him a grateful, watery smile, “I am so sad to have been right.  You were both so happy, and in love… I started to hope that I was wrong and I knew that God would forgive him for the sex outside of a long-term marriage-like relationship.  God is merciful Rae; I must keep telling myself that.”  He told her passionately, “I had not seen Pierre that happy since before the tragedy.  And I doubt I will see him that happy again until he is ready to hold you again.”  He said honestly, “I do hope that you will find yourself single when he is ready.  But I do not think you should wait for him either.  He would not want you to.”  Rae nodded miserably.  “Above all things Rae, he wants you to be happy.  That is why he has ended it, because though he knows this hurts you, he knows he will hurt you more over the coming years of struggle he has to go through.  And he knows he can not make you happy in the long term until he has gone through these struggles.”  Louis reached out and took her hand, “I know you wanted to help him through what he must go through, but I think he would be too worried for you, about hurting you, to truly focus on himself, like he must.  Just know that he is not alone.  His family loves him and we will look after him.  And he loves you very much Rae Earl.”  Rae was deeply hurt by hearing that accent say her name as ‘Rae’ instead of ‘Rachel’ and she feared she would never hear her name said like that again.  “Just as you love him.  And to have love in this cruel world is a true blessing.  Even if it must be apart like it is now.”  He squeezed her hand and let go, straightening up and looking at her miserable face.  “You are so loved Rae.  By so many people.  Even those that can not be with you right now.”  Rae found that deeply comforting, because she knew it was true.

“Thank you.”  She said softly.  “For reminding me.”

“It is the least I can do for my good friend.”  He answered.

“You should tell Miranda that you’re not ready.”  Rae said softly.

“I can’t talk to Miranda about relationships.”  Louis said sadly, “I will just make the same mistake my brother made with you.”

“You love her?”  Rae realised. 

“Oh yes.  With all my heart.”  He said sadly.  “But I am not ready.”  He told her, “When you have gone through what Pierre and I have been through, it takes a very long time to be able to do intimacy the way we would like to.  The way our partners deserve.  Had we gone trough this with our partner, we might have been able to find comfort in each other.  But this is not the case for us and we both have a deep fear of hurting the ones we love.”

“I understand.”

“I know you do; you are a good woman.”  Louis answered, “Intimacy is hard when you feel broken inside.  And I don’t mean sex, sex is easy, as my brother has shown.  I mean love, I mean emotional connection.  It is the reason I have maintained my relationship with God, in spite of what I have seen and been through… it is intimate, it is raw emotional connection with my maker.  God is real Rae, but I am no longer sure that he is merciful.”  He looked around her room, “Although he allowed us to come here, so… He is merciful.  God is merciful.”  He sounded like he was struggling to even say it.  “I can not be with Miranda, no matter how much my heart aches for her.  I would only hurt her.  So I must leave her as she is, untouched by me and my love for her and also, most importantly, untouched by my trauma.  Because even though we are not a burden to those who love us, we must understand that our trauma affects those we love.”  He said softly, “She must be free to live her life unhindered.  If I were to talk to her about this, how would I stop myself from…”

“Having impure thoughts there?”  Rae asked with a small, sad smile. 

“I am Christian Rae, not dead.”  Rae gave him a slightly broader smile.  “But I meant; how would I stop myself from declaring my love for her, how would I stop myself from kissing her?  If we talk about a relationship, how would I stop myself from begging her to be with me?  When I love her so much, when I ache for her so… much… When I know she has feelings for me too… How would I stop myself?”  He shook his head sadly.  “It is unfair on her.  All of this is unfair on her.  Just as it is unfair on you.”  But that sentence was so hard to hear.  Because Rae felt it deep in her heart; it wasn’t fair that they couldn’t be together; not to either of them.  They loved each other, and hadn’t Pierre suffered enough?  Hadn’t Rae?  Not in the same way, but as Pierre was fond of telling her; a broken leg was a broken leg.  Didn’t they both deserve happiness?

“What’s your favourite thing about Miranda?”  She changed the topic quickly, feeling the tears in her eyes again.

“How often she puts her foot in her mouth.”  He smiled fondly, “She does it because she tries so hard.  I always admire people who aren’t afraid to put it all on the line, and try their hardest.  And I have never met someone who tries as hard as Miranda does.”  He stood up slowly.  “If you need anything Rae, you just ask.”

“I will.  Thank you Louis.”

He left without another word. 

Rae stared at the closed door for a while and then turned to the computer.

_Hi Everyone_

_I have to confess that I told you all a lie at the beginning of the week when I said I was too busy to write._

_The truth is that Pierre and I broke up.  I am devastated._

_I really thought that he might be the one.  But there were things beyond our control that took that away from us._

_I guess I just needed some time to process all those emotions before I told you guys._

_Anyway, I love you all, and I really hope everything is going well in your lives this week._

_Write back soon._

_I miss you all so much_

_Love Rae_

_xo_

*

_Dear Rae_

_Oh babe.  I’m so sorry that it ended with Pierre.  Are you ok?  Is there anything you need?  I’m here for you ok?  I’m gonna drive out there this weekend and we’re gonna eat the entire contents of ice cream section at the supermarket, alright?_

_Now shoot me back an email Rae and tell me a time I can call tonight so we can talk, yeah?_

_I love you babe._

_Miss you too._

_Chloe_

_xo_

*

_Dear Rae_

_Do you need me to come out there and headbutt a guy?_

_I mean I hope not cos I am decidedly not good at that kind of thing.  But if you need it Rae, I’m there!_

_I thought he was a good guy, can’t believe I need to throttle him this week._

_Well it’s his loss Rae.  There isn’t a man alive that wouldn’t be lucky to be with you._

_I’m gonna drive out there this weekend and we’ll get some pie and chips and you can tell uncle Archie all about it._

_Send me an email now and give me a time that it’s ok to call tonight, alright?_

_I love you RaeRae_

_Take care of yourself ok?_

_Lots of love from your uncle Archie ;-)_

*

_Oh darling!_

_I can’t believe it.  I was sure he was in it for the long term Rae._

_I am so worried for you, are you alright pet?_

_Well he’s a fool for letting my girl go._

_Call me tonight, I need to know that you’re alright._

_Love Mum_

*

_Dear Rae_

_Well that’s 2 men that have missed out on my Rae._

_Third time lucky, probably._

_I wish I’d gotten to meet him, Chlo and Arch said he was really nice.  But obviously not nice enough for my Rae._

_Don’t waste any tears on him; you’re brilliant, and you’ll find someone else._

_Now you just let me know if you need any advice on how to ensnare a new beau when you’re feeling better alright?_

_I been helping Archie with his love adventures, and I am more than willing to pass on my wisdom to you._

_Anyway, I’m gonna call you tomorrow at 3pm as usual, and you can tell me everything then._

_Love you Rae._

_Danny._

_xo_

*

_Oh Rae! I’m so sad that this has happened; Chloe and Archie both really like him, they said you were really happy, so that just makes it all so much worse.  Is there anything I can do for you?_

_Chop didn’t know what to write other than ‘you’re a top bird Raemundo, you’ll find someone else’ – I told him not to write that, but then, maybe you’ll like the sentiment.  Just know that chop and me are thinking about you and we love you.  And do let us know if there’s anything we can do for you._

_Love always_

_Izzy_

*

_Hey Rae_

_Well it was only 3 months, you can’t be that devastated.  Not like you were with him for 18 months or anything.  It wasn’t even a serious relationship – only 3 months.  Just get your tears out and you’ll be fine after that._

_I mean if he can’t handle you after only 3 months, then he don’t deserve you, right girl?_

_I’m sure you’ll find someone else who’s strong like you._

_But serious Rae, just cry and stuff, don’t do nothing to hurt yourself or anything alright?  He’s just a 3-month guy, he’s not worth it ok?_

_I’m kinda surprised you’re even upset about it.  I mean you know what a real relationship’s like.  I mean, I’m sure he was great and all, but it was just 3 months.  You’ll be over it in no time._

_Anyway, I been doing real good.  Got a pay rise at work, bought myself a new motorbike.  It’s pretty flash, I reckon you’d love riding around on the back of it.  It’d put the smile right proper on your face.  Forget all about what’s-his-name right quick._

_You should come visit Stamford soon, I’ll show you my apartment; I rearranged it again.  And I’ll take you around on me bike._

_Laters_

_Finn_

*

_Finn_

_Fuck you.  You fucking piece of shit._

_I fell in love with Pierre over the nearly 18 months of emails we sent each other before we even started dating._

_Don’t think I missed that veiled reference to our joke of a relationship and you thinking that it was the only real thing I’ve ever had.  You know that relationship you just threw away so easily, cos it was obviously oh so fucking real!_

_What I had with Pierre was infinitely more real than anything I ever had with you.  I would rather die than ride around on your fucking pathetic bike._

_I was more emotionally, mentally and physically close Pierre than I ever was with you, even though I had less time with him because we talked more!  We told each other everything!  And he fucked better than you!_

Rae read the angry email she had started typing.

She deleted it.

She decided she wouldn’t even bother replying to Finn.

She forwarded the email to Chloe instead.

*

_Dear Rae,_

_I can’t believe he sent that email!_

_What a fucking knob-head!_

_I’m gonna go and put fucking sand in his fucking precious bike’s petrol tank tonight!_

_Ugh!_

_I know that you know he only said all for this shit cos he feels insecure over Pierre.  I know that you know that Finn still has feelings for you.  And if you didn’t, you do now.  He’s jealous and unsure and worried that you won’t want him when you finish uni – I honestly believe he thought you were gonna come back from uni and slip right back between his sheets._

_What a fucking twat._

_Anyway, none of that excuses what he said, but I hope it explains it so you don’t go feeling like there’s any reason to pay any attention to his email.  I know you’re smarter than that babe, but I also know it’s Finn.  And I know what Finn meant to you, still means to you, even when he’s being a complete fucking tosser._

_Me and Archie have talked about this a bit (not your email, just Finn in general) and he agrees with me that Finn’s still in love with you and it kills him to see you loving other guys.  But that’s not your problem babe.  Don’t let that stop you from living your life.  He’s the one that threw away your relationship for Katie.  Ugh.  That fucking slag is still hanging around him you know?  Archie tries to hide it, but I seen the two of them a few weekends ago, heading to the chippy.  So he doesn’t get to be all high and fucking mighty about what love is and what’s real when he fucked it all up and keeps fucking it up._

_I’m so angry at him._

_Can I show Archie this email?  We’ll analyse the whole thing and be ready for a good talk when we get there tomorrow!_

_Can’t wait to see you babe._

_I love you_

_Chlo_

_xo_

*

Rae shot up in bed, her heart hammering.

It had been the dream again. 

She was still running.  And she knew she might always be running, because she loved him.  Even when he wasn’t there.

She started to cry, desperately wishing that she could just drop him an email.  That she would see him this weekend.

*

Rae felt about a billion times better after her weekend with Chloe and Archie. 

It had been the second weekend that Pierre would not be visiting, and she was so glad that she hadn’t had to do it alone. 

She had told them everything about Pierre and why they had broken up, and they both seemed to understand too.  And both of them seemed more than a little sure that there was still a future for her and Pierre.  But Rae knew she had to live her life as if that possibility did not exist. 

She was sitting on the lounge room doing homework when Miranda came in.  The boys, Louis and Jeff, would be at classes for another hour.  That’s the way it went on Mondays; they all knew the routine.  It was Miranda’s day to cook for them.  So she went to the freezer and grumbled about the meat they had left.

“Aye sorry.  Louis and I are behind with the grocery shopping.”  Rae answered.  Rae and Louis came from the poorer families, so they had been tasked with getting the food that the 4 of them shared, everyone put in an equal amount of money and Louis and Rae had a remarkable way of making it stretch.  For that, Miranda and Jeff kept the shared bathroom clean. 

“It’s understandable, don’t worry.”  She said as she pulled out the chicken mince; it was all they had left, “I just have no ide what to cook with this.”

“Have we still got any pastry?’  Rae asked and Miranda opened the freezer again.

“Yep.”  She said happily, “I’ll make some pasties!” 

Silence settled between them, Miranda humming to herself and cooking while Rae studied. 

But Rae couldn’t focus. 

She knew it wasn’t her business.  But Miranda deserved an answer. 

“You know, Pierre and I broke up because he wasn’t ready.”  Rae answered, “And I don’t mean that usual rubbish lads say about not wanting to commit or shit like that.”  She said, “But cos, for him… and for Louis… the trauma is too deep.  And it’s hard to love the way they want to, the way they think we deserve.”  Miranda looked up at her. 

“We?”

“Aye.”  Rae answered resolutely.  “I said that Louis and Pierre, feel like they can’t love us… as in you and me Miranda, in the way we deserve because they feel broken inside.  And both of them are working towards overcoming their trauma so that one day, they can love the way they want to, the way they need to… the way we deserve.”  Miranda made a soft, shaky inhale, obviously very emotional.

“Did Louis say-”

“Yes.”  Rae answered, “But I didn’t say it to you.  Alright?”  Miranda took another deep, gasping breath filled with emotion.

“So… so he loves me?”  She asked in disbelief. 

“He doesn’t want to make the same mistake his brother made.”  Rae answered.  “The mistake Pierre made with me.”  Miranda put a hand over her mouth.

“Fuck.”  She whispered. 

“I know it’s hard to hear.  But I thought you deserved to know why Louis never lets anything happen between you, even though there’s so much chemistry.” 

“Thank you Rae.”  Miranda came over to her and hugged her.  Rae held her tightly, feeling the emotion in the tiny woman’s body.

“I know it’s not fair.”  Rae whispered to her and Miranda nodded.  When she pulled out of the hug the women stared at each other for a moment.  “Don’t wait for him.”  Rae said firmly.  Miranda looked utterly aghast. 

“What?”

“Don’t wait for him to be ready.”  Rae repeated. 

“Aren’t you going to wait for Pierre?”  Miranda was utterly astounded at Rae’s words.

“No.”  Rae answered sadly, but resolutely.

“But I thought you loved him?”

“I do.”  Rae answered, “So fucking much, you can’t understand it…”  But she saw the look on Miranda’s face, “or maybe you can.”  She knew that Miranda loved Louis, “But he might never be ready.” 

“But you love him Rae.”  Miranda said.

“But I also love myself.”

*

_Dear Diary_

_Forget all those romantic ideals Rae._

_Love isn’t about sacrificing yourself so that the person you love will be ok._

_Love is about love._

_You don’t have to destroy yourself, break yourself down, become someone else, put your life on hold, accept less, accept shit… for love, for ‘the one’._

_And just because you don’t destroy yourself, break yourself down, become someone else, put your life on hold, accept less, accept shit or any of that, it don’t mean you didn’t love to the fullest._

_The fact that I’m not waiting doesn’t mean I didn’t love, don’t still love, Pierre.  It just means I love me too._

_Miranda is convinced that you should wait for ‘the one’ but I am now convinced that there is no such thing as ‘the one’_

_You can have a loving fulfilling relationship with more than one person.  I must always remind myself that there are options, and never accept anything but exactly what I deserve – which is the best.  I deserve the best._

_I will not stay with someone I think is ‘the one’ if they’re being a knob-head._

_And I will not wait for an unknown length of time for the chance of being with someone I think might be ‘the one’_

_What the myth of ‘the one’ does is make us accept less than we deserve because this lad, this man, he’s ‘the one’ so I will go through whatever it takes to be with him.  This is not ok.  I deserve the best.  It doesn’t mean I won’t work for love, but it does mean that I will also accept when relationships will end, that I will move on when I must._

_I will love to my fullest.  And I will let go when I must.  There is no ‘the one’_

_But that doesn’t mean that I won’t find someone to spend my life with.  Some one that I love and who loves me the way I deserve._

_And yes that might be Pierre.  Because I know he has it in him; he managed to love me as I deserve for 3 months, but it was costing him too much because there was too much trauma in him.  When he is more healed we could reunite.  Not perfectly healed, he doesn’t need to be that to deserve or give love, he just needs to he further along than he is, for him, that’s his decision, not mine; I’d have gone through it with him.  But he made his choice, and I can and do accept and understand that.  He has decided he needs more work before he can do this._

_There was a time when I thought Finn was ‘the one’ - he wasn’t._

_And Pierre… even though there is some chance that we might reunite, he’s still not ‘the one’ because there is no such thing.  And he knows, just as I do now, that I might find someone else to love before he is ready._

_I hope I don’t fall in love before he is ready, because I do want to be with him.  But I will not sabotage my chances of happiness; if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t._

_But Diary, I do hope I am single when Pierre is ready, because through no fault of either of us, we can’t be together and that’s the worst way to be torn apart.  At least if he had been a knob-head I could find it easier to let go.  I will let go because I understand why he needs this time to himself to heal.  But it’s harder to move on from this than other ways a relationship could end._

_Finn wasn’t ‘the one’_

_Pierre isn’t ‘the one’_

_Love doesn’t work like that, neither do relationships._

_Relationships require work, and trust and all sorts of things._

_And I think if I had kept believing in the one, I would have taken crap from lesser men, or I’d be waiting for Finn to grow up or Pierre to heal… because they’re both so special and if either of them is ‘the one’ – what if I never find someone else… if I go back and read my first diary entry, I’d see that fear all over the page after my break up from Finn._

_But I don’t have that fear now._

_I did find someone else._

_I will find someone else._

_And if I don’t, so what?_

_I like myself a whole lot more nowadays.  So I’ll just spend my time with me._

_And yeah I would have gone through it all with Pierre.  I would have done almost anything for him.  And Finn, when I was in love with him, I would have done the same for him…_

_But that’s not how it turned out._

_Pierre did what was best for him, and what he thought was best for me._

_I respect it and I appreciate it, because I think he was right._

_I do deserve the best from whoever I’m with.  And he knew he couldn’t deliver that, so he bowed out gracefully to give me the chance to find that with someone else._

_Quite a sacrifice._

_Quite an act of love._

_But not just for me, also for himself.  Because as Louis pointed out, instead of worrying about me all the time, he can focus on getting better._

_I miss him_

_And I will always love him.  Just like Finn._

_But this was for the best._

_And I hope, as Louis does, and no doubt Pierre does, that I am single when he is finally ready.  Because I would love to marry him and spend my life with him._

_But I will not put my life on hold_

_I have one life._

_And I have already wasted too much of it on self-hate and self-doubt._

_And now I love myself enough to try and live this life to the fullest._

_So Diary, I’m gonna email Pierre instead of waiting for him to email me.  Cos life is too fucking short to sit around waiting for things to happen.  Pierre taught me that.  And I’m gonna tell him I still love him, but that I really do understand, and I’m still here for him as a friend, and that I hope I’m single when it’s time, and that I want to stay in contact with him._

_He’s a good man._

_And I’m a good woman._

*

It was a month since the break-up when Rae found herself in Jeff’s bed again. 

They stared up at the ceiling after a particularly good and particularly long shag-fest.

“Well…”  Jeff said softly, “You’ve learned a few things.”

“Aye.”  Rae said softly. 

“I didn’t know if we’d um… you know… after…”  He fumbled over the words.

“Well now you do know.”  Rae answered.

“Should we keep it from Louis?”

“Why?’  Rae answered, “He knows I’m moving on from Pierre.”  It still hurt to say his name; he had not replied to her email.  “I’m not gonna try and re-find me virginity just cos I dated his brother.”  She sat up and stretched.  “And he knows it.”  She got up to head back to her room.

“Are you doing alright lass?”  Jeff called after her.

“Yeah.”  She answered.

“It’s just… I know how much you and Pierre meant to each other… and you haven’t really talked about it a whole lot…”

“I have.”  Rae answered.  “I’ve talked to myself about it.”

“Alright lass.”  He lowered his eyes.

“I know you’re here for me Jeffrey.”  She returned to his bed and kissed his cheek.  “I’m just… I’m doing ok.”

“Promise.”

“Aye, ya big lump, I’m fine!”  She gave him a grin and headed back out to her room, even though her bladder was bursting.  She looked at her computer.  She’d been checking her computer far too often, and she knew it.  Besides waiting for her email from Pierre, she had been reading over their old emails, desperately missing him.  But this time she saw a flashing ‘message received’ icon.

She made herself pause and take a breath.

“It’s probably not Pierre.”  She told herself before sitting down and opening up her email.

It was Pierre. 

Rae felt a rush of emotions.  She made herself pause again before opening the email. 

_Dear Rachel_

_I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply; I have been avoiding my inbox because it is filled with our old letters.  But I opened it today with the intent to write to you and see how you are, and I find a letter from you._

_I wish I had been braver and gone into my inbox sooner.  I hate to think of you believing that I deliberately did not reply to you._

_I have been as well as I can be, which is probably as well as you have been.  And I miss you, just as you say you miss me._

_And everyday I fervently wish that things had been different._

_But I am also doing more than wishing.  Now that we have five people working in the house, I have been able to drop my trolley job, and as such, I have time to go to therapy weekly now instead of fortnightly.  My therapist is wanting me to also go to an expert in refugee trauma and I will be starting these weekly appointments next week.  I have thrown myself into my therapy, into my recovery.  It is all I focus on now.  I want to be healed Rachel.  I want to see you again._

_But that is not for you to worry about.  All that you must worry about is being happy.  Tell me something that has made you happy this day?_

_I am so glad that you feel that we can be on friendly terms.  I have missed your emails so much.  I do not think that we should write daily as we did when we were together.  But perhaps we can drop back to weekly as we were before that?_

_Rachel, I too will always love you.  And as much as it pains me to say this, I must remind you to not wait for me.  I know that you are wise enough to know this, but I would be remiss if I did not reiterate it.  You know my hopes, but I do not want you to wait for me.  And I will never ask it of you._

_So, to return to our old emails, we must tell each other about all the things that are happening in our lives._

_This past month has been a slow month for me.  It has felt like a million years has passed.  And all I have done is go to work, and stay at home.  The weekends were particularly torturous; I will pick up working on the weekends again to help with this._

_Claudine is looking into counselling and a surgeon from London has said he can do something with her left eye and he will donate his time for free, so that is some very good news.  My aunt is talking about plastic surgery for Claudine’s scar so that she might go outside with more confidence.  But that will be very expensive.  We will see what happens._

_My younger siblings have both found part time work, we ‘rolling in it’ as the saying goes, at the moment.  But one never knows what tomorrow will bring._

_I have been thinking more and more about what I will study at university, Louis will be finishing up next year, so it will be his turn to earn while I study.  I am thinking medicine.  What do you think?_

_I have to fight the urge to write thousands and thousands of word to you.  I know how you busy you are, and I know how important your studies are._

_With that in mind, I will sign off now._

_I do not know how to end our letters any more._

_I wish you all the best things in the world Rachel._

_Pierre._

Rae had a watery smile on her face as she finished the last sentence.  Her fingers reached out and gently touched the screen, caressing his name.

“Pierre.”  She said softly.  “I love you too.”  She sniffed back her tears and took a deep breath. 

She was so glad that he wrote back. 

She was feeling stronger now.  She knew she could get through this.

She ached for Pierre in a way that was entirely knew to her.  She hadn’t ached for Finn like this, but not because she loved Finn any less.  She knew that wasn’t true. 

She thought back to how horrible it had been with the Finn break up.  How she had been falling apart, and on the verge of tears and self-harm for weeks.  She hadn’t let herself feel a whole lot; she’d repressed that ache for him as much as she could and thrown herself into helping Jeff and her university work because she had felt like she would fall apart at any moment.

She knew she wouldn’t fall apart now.  She was at no risk of self-harming.  And not because she loved Pierre any less.  She knew that wasn’t true either.

It was her that was different. 

She cried, she hurt, and she ached for Pierre;  she could let herself feel what she felt and she knew she’d get through it. 

She had been lucky so far; she had loved and been loved by two very good men; well, one lad and one man.  But they had both been special and kind and caring. 

And she knew now that she deserved this.

Although she did wonder if she was doomed to forever love a man once she’d loved him.  She had heard both things; that in time the love would fade, and that you never stop loving them once you loved them for real. 

She read over Pierre’s letter again, and knew she would always love him.  She sighed and mentally added him to the list with Finn. 

*

Rae tried not to fidget; the shoes were incredibly uncomfortable.  She had no idea why heels were considered normal for this kind of thing?  Was is bleeding penance on behalf of the dead?  She swore to herself and tried to keep her face passive as she squeezed her toes up to try and get relief from the agony.

Beside her Jeff was crying miserably.  She heard him sniff and her attention was focused again on where it should be.  She took a deep breath and told her feet to just go numb. 

Rae reached out her hand to Jeff and he grasped hold of it, tears starting anew.

It was a strange thing being at a funeral of someone you didn’t know. 

She had sat through the entire ceremony in silence, not sure what to do, just letting Jeff cling hold of her hand as he wept openly. 

And now the graveside part of the service was particularly emotional as they started to lower the coffin into the ground.

The news of Jeff’s grandmother’s death had been a devastating blow to him.  He had cut again, and started smoking all in the last week.  Rae understood from all the times Jeff had talked about his granny, just how close they were, and she had been struck by the horrific thought of her mother dying.  She was desperate to spend a few weeks in Tunisia; she needed to see her mother.  She’d written and told Chloe all about her fears in the wake of this death, and Chloe, friend to both Rae and Jeff, had been supportive to both of them. 

Even so, Jeff slipped into a deep depression that took months to shift.  Chloe came and visited often to help her friends.

But it was a long time before Rae got to see her Jeffrey smile again.

*

_Dear Diary_

_I know I know! It’s been months!  I been so busy with uni, and now Christmas is upon us again._

_Well almost.  I still got a week to wait, but a girl can be excited cos the first three months of 3 rd year have been utter shite._

_My professors would put the fucking pharaohs to shame with the workload they’re giving out.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Oh I wonder if that’s a bit of an off-colour joke… shit… I better ask Louis._

_Anyway-_

_On top o’ that, Jeff’s only just starting to smile gain, Chloe’s dating a real rubbish guy… again… and so is Archie – I swear them two are being a bad influence on each other with the men they choose._

_And I still miss Pierre, with every bone in my body I miss that man._

_I’ve been thinking about Finn and Pierre a lot, and I have to say that I’m glad I got to be with both of them.  That I got to have those months of perfect happiness, first with Finn, then with Pierre.  I guess it’s true that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  The experience of love is worth the pain… once you know that you can in fact survive the pain.  I think back on my time with both of them with happiness, fondness, far less misery._

_Although I ache for Pierre; I want him to get better very soon._

_Archie asked me if I had ached for Finn like I do for Pierre and I told him I had.  But really, I always knew I’d never get back with Finn, so it was easier to subdue that ache._

_With Pierre, I wake up some days knowing that this is the day he’ll feel like he can do it.  So I’m waiting for his email, or for him to show up and ask me to forgive his absence and to please let him back into my life; which I would do in an instant.  These weekly emails are just not enough.  I know we could have made a happy life together.  And he knows it too.  I can see the future we would have had with each other; it’s so real and solid, I can almost reach out and touch it._

_But life is cruel sometimes.  A lot of the time really._

_And, I have learned a lot._

_I have learned that a relationship can end even if you both wanna be in it; even if you’re both desperate to stay in it._

_I’ve learned it can end through no fault of the people in it; there doesn’t have to be some big drama, sometimes it just happens that way._

_I’ve learned that it was never gonna be just Finn that would love me.  I’m brilliant; there’s always gonna be people that love me, and yes, even like that, even though I’m fat.  I’ve learned I am loveable, and I do deserve love, and that men will love me.  I never knew that before – I thought it were just Finn.  I thought, I feared, it would only ever be Finn.  And that’s not a good way to be, not for yourself, and not for your relationship._

_One of the only good things during this last 3 months is the inordinate amount of sex I’ve had._

_Not only Jeff… there’s been several one night stands.  Some of them considerably better than others.  And all of them with condoms.  Well except Jeff.  Although to be honest, he’s not at his best at the moment._

_The other good thing has been therapy and how far I’ve come!  I started to think about who I am, who I wanna be.  Leandra asked me what my aim was, my goal, who I wanted to be – what the best version of myself would be like._

_And yester I started to think about her… like she was someone other than me.  But she isn’t._

_The best version of me IS me.  I am the best version of me, the problem is that I don’t believe it._

_Just wait till I tell Leandra that tomorrow!  She’ll be pretty fucking proud of me._

_I’m proud of me._

_So if I’m already the best version of me, and I just don’t believe it, it’s not about building myself up from nothing to be someone worthwhile… it’s about letting go of all the self-doubt.  Letting go of fear.  Letting go of every part of me that whispers to me that I’m not enough._

_Cos I am._

_I am enough.  I am the best I can possibly be underneath all this shit I gotta let go of._

_I’m fucking brilliant.  And the person who has always disbelieved that the most, is me._

_But now I’m gonna be the person who believes it the most._

*

She was frozen on the spot, desperately wishing she was wearing something other than he tatty jeans and the Bloc Party t-shirt, her hair in a messy bun, a smear of mashed potato on her forehead, her face red from laughing at Jeff and Miranda and their cooking adventures. 

But Louis had opened the door when it had knocked unexpectedly.  And it was Pierre.  And now they were staring at each other; Pierre still in the doorway, Louis trying to get him to come in. 

Rae had invited Pierre to come for Christmas.  So had Louis but no concrete plans had been made.  She’d been aware that it was a possibility he’d come.  But somehow she hadn’t expected he’d come.

“Hello everyone,” he looked around at them and then his eyes returned to Rae.  “Hello Rachel.”  He said softly.  Just hearing him say her name like that made the tears come up in her throat.

“Hey.”  She answered. 

“Hi.”  He returned.  They stared at each other in silence for some time, Jeff Louis and Miranda, awkwardly not knowing what to do.  

“Can we-?”  Rae motioned to her room, “Have a minute?”

“Yes of course Rachel.”  He answered, obviously anxious about seeing her. 

Rae closed the door to her bedroom behind them and turned back to look at him.

“I nearly did not come.”  He said, “But forgive me Rachel, I had to see you.  I have missed you.  And Louis said you were doing well, that you could handle my visit.  But I fear that this has caused you too much pain.”  She could hear the emotion in his voice, “I will go now, I am so sorry Rachel.  I did not mean to-”

She flung her arms around him.  He held her closely.  Both of them aching from their months apart.  They did not need to tell each other all the feelings they shared; the way they clung to each other made it very clear. 

Rae kissed him.  It began as a desperately aching kiss and very quickly turned heated, filled with passion and desire. 

“We can not.”  Pierre whispered between kisses.

“Yes we can.”  They fell into bed together, frantically pulling at each other’s clothing. 

“I can not Rachel.”  He said suddenly and pulled away.  “This muddies the waters.”

“No it don’t.”  Rae answered, “I know where we stand.”  She pulled him back to her, calmer, her movements smoother.  “And so do you.”  They kissed again, the heat and desire proving too much for them to resist.

Jeff, Miranda and Louis just decided to eat lunch without them.

*

“I still have the nightmares.”  Rae answered, “Just so you know… all the stuff you was worrying about didn’t just go away when you did.”  She was lying in his arms on Boxing Day and he was holding her closely, as if he wanted this to never end; because he didn’t. 

“Do you have them as often?”  He asked astutely and Rae didn’t answer.  Because they both knew the answer was no. 

“I just miss you.”

“And I miss you.  But I promise you Rachel, that I am working very hard on healing.”

“You can’t rush it.  It don’t work that way.”  Rae said morosely.

“I know.”  He stroked her cheek.  “But I will be as quick as I can uw’igikundiro.”

*

She was surprised at how well she handled seeing him leave again, even though she didn’t know when she would next see him.  They both somehow knew that they would see each other again.  It hurt, but she knew she’d be ok.

No one commented on his unexpected overnight stay, nor on the fact that neither of them managed to eat anything that had been cooked for Christmas.  Nor on the fact that Rae still hadn’t opened her Christmas presents because she had been in her room since he had arrived. 

They were good friends.

*

And the ache for Pierre returned with a vengeance.

She thought she had managed to avoid a rise in her missing him because she had been fine all day Boxing Day; buoyed by having seen him.

But she had wept on the 27th of December.  And the email she got from Pierre that day told her that he was suffering too.

*

After the Christmas break Rae threw herself into the last 9 months of her degree with real gusto.

She also had a string of short lived relationships.

First there was Sudhir, an incredibly attractive man from Gujarat in India, who complained a lot about the lack of heat, lack of beaches and lack of good food in England.  He was either an exchange student or an international, fee paying student, Rae couldn’t remember.  But she did remember his incredible eyes and luscious eyelashes, and the way he fucked so good and hard and spanked her arse.  And also the way he said he could never, ever, tell his parents about her.  It had been fun for the 3 weeks it lasted.  In the end, Rae got over his prettiness and moved on.

And there’d been the lad from Birmingham, Ben?  Maybe Matt?  He was blonde.  She’d never been with a blond before.  He had blonde pubic hair as well.  He’d been a right proper lad too… always off to the pub with a cheeky grin.  He also had a real problem with premature ejaculation.  Rae got sick of him pretty quickly; that had been a less fun week.  And when she had dumped him he had shrugged and agreed it was for the best.

And then there had been Putri… that had been an unexpectedly and wildly wonderful 4 weeks.  Putri was a Muslim from Indonesia, who wore a scarf over her gorgeous raven hair and would use it to tie Rae’s hands in the bedroom.  She had joked she was going to hell, but Rae could tell she was only half joking.  Putri broke it off, feeling that she needed to re-connect with Allah and try to live pure.  Rae had cried, eaten some ice cream and moved on by the end of the day.  She had loved Putri a little.  But she was fine to let that love go; and it left without struggle. 

And then Sophie who had been fiery and temperamental and stroppy but she drove Rae to distraction with how sexy she was in those ridiculous Stevie Nicks inspired dresses she wore.  That had only lasted 3 weeks.  Rae decided that her mental health was more important than the orgasms that incredibly sexy lady could give with her pierced tongue. 

Then Sebastian.  He had been smothering and needy and wanted to know where she was at all times and to make tender love to her, which meant he cried as he fucked her for about 4 minutes.  It was the most suffocating 3 and a half weeks of her life, and it would have been shorter had he gotten the message the first three times she’d tried to politely end it.  In the end she’d told him that not even the doctors at the mental hospital had kept such a fucking close eye on her.  And he’d just told her it was because he loved her so.  He kept hanging around for 5 weeks after that, suffocating the life out of her, even as she told him to fuck off constantly.  In the end Jeff had said something to him.  Rae hadn’t asked him to, but she had been grateful he had.

After that, Rae had intended to spend some time alone but had fallen head over heels in lust with a man with Pakistani roots.  It had been a very torrid, very passionate, heated love afar that had burned out after 4 weeks.  He fucked like a beast, pulling her hair, and ripping her clothes, then buying her new clothes to replace them.  Rae realised after a few times of fucking him, that he didn’t fuck for her pleasure, he fucked for his own.  But his own pleasure just happened to coincide with hers so that was ok.  He even went down to serve his own ego; because he felt good about himself when she came.  Either way, it meant he went down often, and he enjoyed making her cum so he could glory in his own performance.  She even caught him looking at himself in the mirror while they fucked.  She couldn’t blame him; he was a very beautiful looking man.  But she did want a man that would pay attention to her because she deserved it.  So despite the great sex, she lost interest in him and stopped returning his calls and emails.

And in amongst all of this there had been the occasional night trip to Jeff’s bedroom.  When he didn’t have a girlfriend of his own that was, and there had been plenty of those.  But when they were both single, Rae taught him things in the bedroom that most men didn’t know.  She had decided that the woman Jeff ended up with was going to be very lucky, not only because he was the sweetest guy on the planet, but also because he was gonna be a fucking firecracker in the sack.  She just had to get him to quit smoking.

There were so many lovers.  Rae felt like her eyes had opened up; her life was free of all that self-doubt and self-hate, and she could easily accept love and lust into her life.

It was freedom.  She could have this freedom always in her life, because her mind was different.  She had sometimes thought she would have to wait until she was skinny to experience all life had to offer.  But she had since learned that this was not the case.

Life was filled with cruelty and uncertainty and pain.

But also joy, and pleasure and happiness.  She had just finally learned to be brave enough to go after it. 

*

Rae sat on the train with her bag filled with her clothes; her boxes were packed up and were being mailed to Chloe’s place for storage.  She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with her life now that she had graduated.  They had offered her to do honours, but she had declined; university was done.  She wanted to get to the next part of her life, her adventure.

She hadn’t been seeing Leandra for three months, but she had booked in another appointment in her last week of university to say goodbye to her.  Leandra had taught her so much about self-love and taking the judgement out of her life. 

She had promised to email almost everyone she knew at university, but really she knew that the only people she’d really keep contact with would be Rhianna, Jeff, Miranda and Louis.  And Pierre.  Always Pierre.  She hadn’t seen him since Christmas, but their weekly emails had continued unabated.  And she knew that they always would; no matter where their lives led them. 

She had told everyone that she wouldn’t be able to email for the next few weeks while she was in Stamford; not until she found a place and took her computer out of storage.  But she would probably head to the local library and drop them all a quick email.  Especially Jeff and Pierre.  Jeff was headed to London to look for work.  And Pierre was headed to London too, to begin medical school; he had easily passed the entrance exams.  She wanted to check in with both of them to make sure they were doing alright.  Louis and Miranda were both heading home – like her.  And Rhianna was off travelling.

But Rae knew that more than anything, she had to focus on herself; she had to figure out where she was going to live… what her job was going to be… what she was going to do with her life.  She had so many ideas and things she wanted to do… and she had to finally settle on one of them. 

She looked in the window and saw a reflection of herself, and it seemed for a moment that all the people that mattered to her where with her; the gang, her family, Tix, Liam… and now Jeff, Louis, Miranda… Pierre.  Pierre looking right at her, the ache for her not gone.  She looked at them all, looking at her, and saw Finn looking at her too, with a deep hunger in his eyes.

“Going mental.”  She whispered to herself and then laughed.  “Don’t know what I mean by ‘going!’”  She laughed louder, ‘And talking to myself!”  She looked around to see a few people staring.  But she didn’t care. 

*

“Chloe!”  She hugged her best friend tightly and felt tears in the back of her throat.  So much had changed for her in these past three years.  But one thing had stayed the same; her and Chloe were as close as ever.

“Right babe, we’ve only got an hour till the gang meet up at the chippy, so you better come back to my place and freshen up, yeah?”

“Fuck yes!”  Rae answered; she’d always liked Chloe’s shower. 

Rae looked through her bag of clothes, her hair in a towel, her body naked and still warm from the shower.  She pulled out cloths that were suitable for the pub, the chippy and picking up if she saw someone worth the effort, and lined them all up.  In the end she decided on her black flared skirt and red halter-neck top.  It occurred to her that Izzy, Chop, Danny and Finn had never seen her dressed like this because they’d never come out partying at uni with her.  Archie and Chlo on the other hand, had.  She shrugged and pulled the top on, not caring that she couldn’t wear a bra with it; the lads in Stamford would just have to cope with it!  And the ladies would love it. 

Chloe had approved when Rae had come out of the spare bedroom. 

“Thanks for letting me stay for the two weeks.’  Rae said.

“Babe,” Chloe said with an excite grin, “I got a bit of a surprise for ya.”  Rae could tell how excited Chloe was.  “remember how you said you was missing your mum, and Jazz and Karim.”

“Chloe… no…”  Rae said with a huge excited grin.

“Rae… YES!”  Chloe held up the two plane tickets.

“OH MY GOD!”  Rae cried in excitement.  The girls flung their arms around each other and jumped up and down together.  “I can’t believe you did this!  Chloe!”

“We got two weeks with your family in Tunisia.”  Chloe said happily, “And then we go to Morocco and Egypt!”

“Oh my god…”  Rae said in awe… “I can’t… Chloe, this is amazing!”

“Well mum and dad gave me a bunch o’ money when I turned 18.”  She shrugged, “I saved it and added to it… and what better way to spend it than to go somewhere with my best friend?”

“I don’t have any money saved Chlo.”  Rae shook her head.

“That’s alright,”  Chloe answered, “I’ve paid for everything; and your mum paid for your airfare to and from Tunisia.  We have to go back to Tunisia after Morocco and Egypt.”  She explained. 

“This is so amazing.”  Rae started to feel weepy.  “Thank you!”  Her throat clogged up with emotion. 

“No crying!”  Chloe laughed.  “C’mon, we’re gonna be late if we don’t hurry.  And Archie is getting pretty shitty about people being late… and by people… I mean Finn.”  Chloe pulled a face and they headed out the door.  Rae hardly able to wipe the smile off her face. 

“He is always late.”  Archie complained as they all milled into the chippy.  Danny and Chop had both widened their eyes for a moment when they had seen Rae but had quickly gotten themselves together.  Izzy had cooed delightedly at how lovely she looked. 

Rae felt radiant with happiness and confidence; university was finally over and her whole future was spreading out in font of her.  She had a few days in Stamford before her trip overseas with Chloe, then the job hunt began.  She started to tell everyone about the gift Chloe had given her, and then finally the door to the chippy opened and he was there. 

She had wondered if she would still be angry at him over his email about Pierre; she hadn’t written an email to him since then.  And he hadn’t written one to her either.  It was always just the gang emails for them two now.  But Chloe and Archie had kept her updated on what he was up to.  She’d been angry at him the last few times she had visited Stamford and had seen him; barely saying more than a few words to him. 

She eyed him silently.  He was wearing jeans, an Oasis shirt and his leather jacket.  Same old Finn.  But his hair was slightly shorter than it had been the last time she saw him; but it looked like he might had hacked at it himself.  It was shaggier than ever.  It was oddly endearing. 

She let her anger at him go.  She was getting good at letting things go.  And it never ceased to make her proud of herself. 

“About time.”  Archie said thoroughly unimpressed. 

“Yeah sorry, I had something… come up.”  Finn replied.  Rae noticed the hesitation, noticed the queasy, uneasy expression on his face.  She put it from her mind; the inner workings of Finn Nelson’s mind were no loner her domain. 

“Alright Finn.”  Rae said.

“Yeah alright.”  He answered and lit up a cigarette.  The lady behind the counter gave him a dirty look, and Rae rolled her eyes at him when he kept smoking anyway.

“Got ya a nice bit o’ fish.”  Chop said and tossed the bag of fish and chips up the table as Finn walked towards them. 

Rae sat down next to Chloe and stared opening up the food.  She saw Finn sit down on the opposite side of the table and start to open up his food.  She enjoyed this moment of awkward silence when they all tried to figure out if they were still the same gang, or if they had all changed too much.

Because she knew what the outcome would be.

And the eruption of talking began.

Rae grinned and started cracking jokes with Chop, like they’d never been apart these past three years.  Finn tried talking music but Rae shut him down pretty quick; she had kept up to date with current music better than he had.  It had only taken her a few sentences.  They hadn’t even gotten into a conversation about it; she was that up on her music knowledge now.  It felt good to make him suck his teeth grumpily over his out of date music knowledge.  They filled her in on what was happening in Stamford, what they’d all been up to, and what they were planning to do for the rest of the year. 

Finn hadn’t seemed as happy as the rest of them about her trip to Tunisia, but Rae decided she didn’t care if he was happy about it.  She was too excited about it to care.  And she revelled in Archie’s loud protestations of jealousy. 

After they finished their meals at the chippy, it was off to the Swan. 

Rae drank happily and talked merrily, and when she eventually got up to go to the bathroom, she realised that the only person who didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves was Finn.  She realised that she hadn’t really had a conversation with him in three years, and now was probably the time to have one.

She walked out of the bathroom and looked at him sitting there, nursing his drink moodily.  He was so good to look at.  Rae almost laughed at herself when she thought back to a time when she had thought of guys like Finn as being out of her league.  There used to be a Rae that wouldn’t have been brave enough to hit on a guy like Finn.  She remembered that earlier version of herself; so thankful that he was with her, even though she was fat and ugly. 

What a difference three years made.  What a different relationship it’d be now if they were in it.

She crossed the pub and sat down next to him, playing up her tipsiness slightly; she often did that when she was about to hit on a guy.  She didn’t know why she did it now; she had no intention of hitting on Finn.

“Finlay, what have you been up to?”  She asked merrily. 

“Nothing.”  He answered gruffly. 

“Nothing?”  She was amazed at how uninviting he was.

“Just work.”  He said, “We’re not all as exciting as you.”  Rae laughed at his words.  She didn’t mind if he was as bitter and angry as his words made him sound; he could feel whatever he felt.  She wasn’t going to let that affect her in any way.  She didn’t owe him anything. 

“Looks like the only thing that’s changed about you is your beard.”  She said and ran her fingers along his jaw, testing the prickliness of his stubble.  She felt an electricity sizzle between them; like he was made of fire and ice.  Like he always had been.  She could see that he was attracted to her, that he had felt that sizzle, that spark.  She could see he wanted more. 

She watched him turn his eyes back to his beer, attempting to veil the hunger he had for her.  She noticed he was only on his second beer; he used to drink much heavier than that.

“Not much of a drinker anymore?”  She asked him.

“Sometimes.”  He answered; well his drinking habits might have changed, but his one word answers certainly hadn’t.

“Getting old.”  She joked, trying to capture a hint of the old happy Finn she’d once known. 

“Oh aye, ancient.”  He laughed.  And there it was, a smile, a laugh.  He was so beautiful; right down to his bones.

“Wanna get out o’ here.”  She said softly.  Rae was as surprised with herself as he looked.  She hadn’t intended to say that to him, but now that she had, she decided to go with it.

“You what girl?”

“I wanna see your apartment.”  She answered honestly, but in the back of her mind she was thinking she wanted to see how much spring was left in that old couch he no doubt still had.

“Alright.”  Rae noticed that he seemed reluctant or nervous.  She couldn’t pick which.  But she knew that given a few more minutes she’d figure it out, so she didn’t worry too much. 

She had given Chloe a grateful smile when she had pretended to not see her and Finn slipping away.  Rae had noticed Archie doing the same, but with a far more unimpressed expression than Chloe.  Chop and Danny had cheered loudly and Izzy had grinned as if she had expected this.  Rae could tell that Izzy thought they were getting back together.

Boy did Rae have news for her.  Rae had no intention of getting back with this man-child.  But she most certainly would have sex with him; he was delicious. 

As they started to walk back to his place, Rae realised that she was probably judging Finn unfairly and wanted to give him a chance to speak. 

She tried to let him lead the conversation, but he seemed unable or unwilling to talk to her. 

This wasn’t even same old Finn anymore.  This was grumpy sod Finn from before they had gotten together. 

Rae sighed to herself and supposed that some things just didn’t change, and Finn was one of those things.

And some things did change, and she was one of those. 

As soon as Finn closed the door behind them she was kissing him. 

She had decided to do this when she had watched him unlocking the door.  They had nothing to talk about and that left only one thing she knew they could do well together; fuck. 

He seemed at a loss for what to do, so Rae knew she had to take the lead.  Which she didn’t mind at all.  She’d done it plenty of times before.  

She pushed him towards that old shitty couch of his and kissed him deeply.  Rae had forgotten how wonderful those lips of his felt on hers. 

Finn was nothing if not a fucking brilliant kisser.  He knew how to use that mouth of his. 

His mouth turned her on no end.

As soon as the back of his legs hit the lounge he thudded down and Rae, filled with her desire for him, hitched up her skirt and straddled him.

She loved the way he looked at her; there was so much desire in his eyes she could almost taste it in the air surrounding him. 

She kissed him deeply, passionately, and with all the carefree freedom and wild abandon she’d learned to have over the past three years.

And he simply kissed her back.  Skilfully, passionately… but that was all he did…

She was riding him like he was a bucking stallion, rubbing her pussy all over his crotch, groaning and making him hers. 

And he was doing practically nothing.

She didn’t understand.

“Finn!”  Rae snapped.

“What?”  He sounded bewildered at her tone.

“Have you in fact been bitten by a paralysis tick lately?”  She asked pointedly.

“Paralysis tick?  What?”  Rae sighed internally at his confusion. 

“Yes or no?”  She persisted.

“No…?”  He answered, unsure.

“Then use your fucking hands lad!”  She ordered.

His hands instantly went to her thighs and she kissed him more passionately as a reward.

From then on, Finn was amore active participant in the sex; his hips moved, his hand found their way under her clothing, he caressed her skin. 

It was beginning to feel a lot like fireworks between them.

Rae leaned back in his lap and slowly undid his fly, knowing that he’d want her to hurry up and get his cock out.  In the past she’d sped through this, not having the confidence to make him wait.  She took her time, feeling every single tooth unhook, her eyes never leaving his.  He looked breathless, excited, almost like he hadn’t had a fuck in months, but she knew that wasn’t true; she could see the lipstick on his jeans near the fly. 

When she got to his cock, it was rock hard, as it always was with him; she’d never had to do any work to get him going.  She liked that about him.  Some of her previous male lovers would only have a semi-erection at this point and she’d have to help them along.  At first she’d wondered if it was her; if they weren’t as attracted to her, but Chloe said it happened to her sometimes and Jeff had said sometimes he could be quite mentally turned on, but the body took some time to catch up.  Jeff was sometimes ready to go straight away and sometimes only semi.  Jeff had been good for her sexual knowledge of men because they talked so openly.  Pierre had been similarly good.  But Rae had learned that a lot of men didn’t like talking about why their cocks did or didn’t get hard at any given time.  In fact, most guys didn’t like talking about anything they ever did at any time.  Men didn’t like to think about their actions, or lack thereof. 

Rae knew a lot more about men than she had the last time she’d held his penis in her hand.  She knew that most men liked their cocks held a lot firmer than she used to hold Finn’s.  She heard him groan as she pulled him out of his pants, her grip of his cock firm and unafraid. 

She thought about giving him some head, but he looked just about ready to pop so she decided to just crawl back on top of him and kiss him, sliding his cock inside of her so she could enjoy it as much as possible before he came.

Rae took a moment to figure out what she needed to do to give herself the most pleasure possible and rolled her hips sensually, keeping him deep inside of her. 

She pulled her shirt off and groaned happily when Finn, still groaning deeply in pleasure, practically attacked her breasts.  That definitely hadn’t changed about him; he was still obsessed with her tits. 

But she wanted to be naked, she loved being naked when she fucked and she pulled her skirt up over her head, not waiting for Finn to be done with her breasts; there was no guarantee he’d ever be done with them. 

She kept her eyes on his beautiful face, gripping the back of the lounge for support, and fucked him.  Rae squeezed her Kegel muscles around his cock, working herself into orgasm, enjoying the beauty of the lad she was with, enjoying the way her body felt, enjoying the act of sex, enjoying the feel of his rough clothes against her skin, his hands desperately groping at her body, enjoying his lusty looks, his mouth opening and closing in pleasure, almost as if he wanted to say something.

Rae cried out in orgasm, holding nothing back, her head thrown back, her body trembling with pleasure.  She felt his fingers digging into her hips and heard his load groans.

Finn was coming.  Rae had expected this; at least half of the time they fucked he’d cum a little too soon for her liking.  But he had always been in tune with her, he’d always been able to make her cum, and he’d gone down a lot, so it had never bothered her.  And even though she would have liked it to last much longer tonight, in a lot of ways it was better that it didn’t. 

He was swearing loudly, draining himself into her, his eyes trying to stay open to take her in as he came.

She laughed at the way he was swearing and kissed his luscious lips.  She’d missed Finn’s cum-face, the way he always gave her that dopey, blissed-out post orgasm face. 

“I gotta use your shower.”  She said as she got up, semen starting to dribble down her thighs.

“Aye.”  He breathed, looking completely spent in every way.  Rae felt an odd sense of accomplishment; she truly did fuck well nowadays.  She left her clothes where she’d dropped them and headed towards the shower.  She heard Finn scrambling to get his clothes off and follow her.  She hadn’t intended to shower with him; it felt too much like what they used to do when they were together, but she supposed it wouldn’t hurt.

Rae decided to have a light, breezy conversation, to stop any chance of him talking about what had just happened, or from trying to start the sex up again.  She was in no mood for a second round.  She realised that she was still far too attracted to him, and he was still that same 19 year old guy that she had once known.  It had been 3 years and he hadn’t changed at all.  And she didn’t like that.  She had changed too much, had come too far.  And being with him made her feel like she could fall back into her old habits, her old ways of being.  She liked who she was now, she was proud of how far she had come.  And Finn Nelson was a lad she’d always love, who’d always be ridiculously attractive… but who was no longer suited to who she was.  She’d grown up.  He was still living in the past.

She could tell he had expected her to stay the night by the expression o his face when she had gotten dressed, reminding him that Chloe was waiting for her. 

She kissed his cheek and left. 

It had been fun, but Finn had proven himself to really not be the guy for her.

She realised now how lucky she had been that they had broken up.  She had grown so much, and she couldn’t have done that with Finn.  He was a wonderful lad, a good young man, and she truly wished him happiness, she still loved him too… but she was glad she wasn’t with him anymore. 

*

The next three days were spent with the gang, not saying much to Finn, and planning her trip with Chloe. 

She hadn’t intended to not say much to Finn; he just seemed so grumpy, she didn’t know what to say to him anymore.  But she did decide that maybe they could email again.  They seemed to be able to talk over email.

*

The 2 weeks in Tunisia had been amazing.  Although Karim’s sister had tried to get her and Chloe to revert to Islam so many times that Rae had lost count.  Jazz was a little terror, running around, owning the house with her demands.  And everyone loved it.  Rae had been worried that Jazz wouldn’t recognise her, but there were so many pictures of Rae around the house that Jazz knew who she was instantly and greeted her with giggles and huge hugs.  Karim’s parents were possibly the most lovely, wonderful people on the planet, and they embraced Rae as their own grandchild. 

Rae made a promise to herself to visit yearly; it was obvious her mother was staying here in Tunisia.  She was happy.  Happier than Rae could ever remember her being.  Karim promised her that once she settled into her new place, they’d visit annually too.  So Rae felt at ease that she’d get to see them often enough. 

She left Tunisia with hundreds of photos, gifts, money, souvenirs and new grandparents who promised to write. 

Morocco and Egypt had been wonderful, and Rae might have had a one night stand in Morocco that set the standard for all other one night stands to follow.  He’d been truly incredible.

Chloe and Rae had spent an amazing 6 weeks in three countries, marred only by one night spent in terror in a jail cell…

When she had returned to Stamford she had headed to the library to email everyone.

And in her inbox was a frantic letter from Jeff telling her that he’d gotten a job running a radio station, that he had no idea how he’d walked into the job, he was freaking out, the station just happened to need a new host… and how did she feel about nepotism?

Turned out, Rae quite liked nepotism.

*

“Stay in bed with me?”  She purred like a kitten.  Except she was really more like a tiger.  She was big, predatory, and dangerous.  But also cute and sweet for the right people. 

“I can’t Janey.”  Rae answered as Jane kissed the back of her neck.  “I got work… and I gotta finish unpacking!”  Rae laughed as she looked around her room in the apartment she’d managed to get.  There were boxes everywhere; all the things from her old bedroom in Stamford that her mum had put in storage were now in boxes in her bedroom here, as well as all her things from university.  Everything she owned was in this room… and she still had to somehow buy a lounge for the lounge room.  The apartment looked like some sort of remodelled miniature warehouse with very old fittings and paint.  Rae thought it was old, rundown, and tatty,  Jeff thought it was charming, rustic and authentic.  Rae had chosen it because it was cheap and it was close to the station; she could walk to work, which was just as well because she still didn’t know how to drive.  Jeff lived in the other room of the apartment; it was the only way they could afford any place in London, even one this ‘cheap’.  Jeff tended to work longer hours than Rae because he was the manager of the whole station, and he also produced her show.  So far the show was doing ok; she had ok ratings, but she wanted to get them higher.  They had a meeting this morning to brainstorm ideas on how to save the failing radio station.  Jeff was calmer now that she was around, and frankly, kind of masterful in the way he was handling himself and the station. 

When he had emailed her, he had been living in a cheap hostel, and trying to convince the powers that be that he was far too junior to be running the whole station.  By the time Rae got there, he was still living in the hostel, but he had figured out mostly what he was doing in terms of day-to-day running the place.  He’d gotten himself through the worst of it; and proven to himself that he could do anything.

Rae had gotten them looking for an apartment and picked up enough of the workload to let Jeff start thinking creatively about where to take the station.

But that had been a month ago.

And then Rae had met Jane, the sandwich maker at the café near the station.  And life had become a pleasant mix of work and sex with Jane some nights, Jeff others. 

Jane was an aggressive fucker.  She kissed like her lips were made of steal and she fucked Rae like Rae’s orgasm was the only thing that could save the world from some sort of global catastrophe.  Sex was always urgent, immediate and necessary feeling with Jane.  Rae liked it.

It was rare for Jane to stay the night; she was more the fuck and run type of girl.  Often barging into the house as soon as the door was open.

If Jeff opened the door she’d push him aside with a look of disgust and search for Rae.

If Rae opened the door, she’d be on Rae, kissing her passionately, pulling her onto the ground, ripping her clothes off, licking, biting, kissing her way down Rae’s body.  And if Jeff happened to be around when that happened, she’d usually yell at him to fuck off and take his disgusting dick elsewhere. 

Jane was also a man-hating, feminist, hairy lesbian.  Everything Leandra had taught her about body positivity was reinforced like a jackhammer pounding it into her skull by Jane.

_Your stretch marks are like lightening from the storm goddesses, marking you as their equal._

_Your thighs are like huge oak trees, more powerful than any building a man can produce; give them time and they’ll turn the colosseum to rubble._

_Your breasts are like the hills of the mother Earth herself, filled with the life that sustains us all._

_Your mouth is more pure than the snow on Everest, and the words that come from it are more important than the words of a thousand men._

_Your hips shake with the rhythm of womanhood that runs through the mitochondrial line all the way back, millions of years to our very roots; our beginnings as human beings.  To our first mothers._

_Your hands have the power of eons in them, and they can heal those who deserve it and harm those that harm you; the vengeance of goddesses is just!_

_Your stomach is the powerhouse that fuels your body, so that you can do your important work… and also a soft place for a weary warrior to lay her head and look up longingly at your face…_

Rae could listen to her talk for hours. 

But she rarely talked unfortunately.  Often she would make Rae cum a dozen times, then have just one orgasm for herself and leave.  Like some particularly welcome poltergeist, coming round to fuck up your shit, and getting the job done a little differently than expected…  Jane was exhausting, demanding and satisfying. 

And Jane made Rae squirt every time.  So Jane was also a very messy lover. 

But Rae had known almost immediately that Jane would be a non-permanent fixture in her life.  She had a permanent feel of impermanence to her.

And just like that, one day she just stopped coming over and she was no longer working at the café.

And Rae was ok with it; she’d always known that’s how it was going to go with Jane. 

*

Rae gave Jeff an apologetic look as he put his earphones on.

She had met Heath 6 months ago at a promo gig for a bunch of unknown, underground bands.  He was a very high strung lawyer who hid his anxiety behind a thick layer of control and dominance.  He had dark hair and crystal green eyes that she knew she’d be able to stare into for centuries at a time.  And he had extravagantly expensive tastes, and the first words he’d ever said to her were telling her she looked expensive.

Rae had not been impressed with his words.  But there was something about him.  He was just such a clean-cut looking man.  Even the way he handled himself screamed ‘good boy.’  ‘Good boy’ who was always in control… but still ‘good boy.’  But the way he smirked at her when he said she looked expensive, was anything but ‘good boy.’

He fucked dirty, hard and rough.

When they had skipped out on the promo gig, he’d taken her to his limo, put up the partition between them and the driver and then pulled her hair to bring her closer.  Rae had had anal sex for the first time in the back seat of that limo, he’d rimmed her for lube.  Rimming wasn’t a new experience, but the way he did it was dirtier somehow.  He’d dropped her off at her place; her hair a mess, a shoe missing (neither of them could find it), her mascara smudged all down her cheeks and her clothes torn.  He had looked pretty much the same, minus the mascara, but plus a lot of lipstick all over him. 

The next day a tailor had shown up at their house with the order to make her some new clothes since hers had been torn.  Rae was used to this; she’d already been through the torn clothes being replaced game.  So she had allowed the tailor to measure her. 

The next day it was a dozen roses from Heath.

And the next day.

And then on the fourth day easily thousands of pounds of hand-made clothes were on her doorstep in gift-wrapped boxes. 

She didn’t have his phone number to tell him she couldn’t accept this.

The fifth day it was him on the doorstep. 

He told her he’d known she’d be expensive. 

Rae had told him she wasn’t for sale.

They’d fucked for hours.

Six months later, he was still buying her, only Rae was trying to convince herself it was different; they were in a relationship, so these were gifts… not a price…

Today Heath was barking orders about what he expected tonight; it was an important charity event and she was to be his date.  Although he kept calling her arm-candy.  She hated that, but he always told her he meant it in a sexy cute way. 

Jeff didn’t like Heath much.  But he couldn’t articulate exactly what it was he didn’t like. 

Rae said he was damaged, that he didn’t know how to express himself properly.  So instead of telling her he cared about her, he tried to bribe her to stay with exquisite and expensive gifts.  He showed he cared by giving her things instead of telling her. 

Rae understood mental illness and trauma.  That’s what she told Archie and Chloe when they were less than sure about Heath as well.  She knew he was just a damaged little boy who needed time to grow up and open up.  Chloe and Archie had no choice but to trust Rae’s assessment.  And he was charming, very attractive, and genuinely attentive of Rae’s needs.  But always his answer to everything was to throw money at it. 

“I want you in the green dress.”  He barked and Rae looked down at her red dress.

“I like this dress.”  She answered.

“Yes, but that dress cost you 20 quid from some no-name generic store, several years ago.”  Heath answered, “The green dress was designed by Alexander McQueen, a cutting edge and ultra contemporary designer.  And it cost me £35,000.”  He answered, typing something into his mobile phone.  Rae still didn’t own a mobile phone and Chloe and Archie kept telling her to get with the times.  “So while you look incredibly lovely in your red dress dear Rae, I need you in the green dress I gave you.”  There was a tone of finality and Rae rolled her eyes but threw her hands up in acquiesce.  She went back into her room and started to undress.  “Close the door, Jeff doesn’t need to see you naked.” 

“He’s already seen me naked.”  Rae answered, not closing the door.  Heath narrowed his eyes and looked at Jeff, looking down at his notes; he was still fretting over making the station better, despite its raising ratings.  Heath and her had argued for months over her living arrangements; he didn’t want her living with an ex-lover.  He had offered to buy her an apartment in a better neighbourhood. 

Rae had refused.  She liked her living arrangements, and she was aware that Heath was a bit controlling.  It was all part of his mental illness; he needed to know she was his.  He was afraid of losing her.  He never pushed when she refused, but Rae knew she had to watch him; if she gave him too much he would own her. 

And she didn’t want to be owned by anyone but herself. 

*

“I know I don’t say it often enough Rae, but I’m grateful you’re in my life.”  Heath said softly.  Rae gave him a smile; he was starting to open up.  She looked down at her expensive meal; he never took her anywhere cheap. 

“I’m glad you’re in my life too.”  Rae answered.

“I, uh… I got you a gift.”  He said, starting nervously and then growing strong and in control, as always.

“Oh aye?”  She asked.  He bought her many gifts. 

“Here.”  He handed her a small box.  Inside was a beautiful diamond necklace. 

“I can’t take this!”  Rae was stunned.

“Of course you can.  You’re my woman.”  Heath answered.  ‘And I know, I know, you don’t belong to me.  It’s just a turn of phrase.  I am learning my place Rae.  For you.” 

*

“Oh come on!”  Rae reasoned, “how can you not throw your weight behind a band that changed their sound from grungy rock to synth pop to get rid of the male angst in their fan base?”  Rae asked.  Jeff sighed.

“The song’s called ‘I sucked a lot of cock to get where I am’ Rae!”  Jeff replied.  “I’m gonna have trouble clearing it with the bosses.”

“Regurgitator are old news in Australia; we’re behind the rest of the world.  There’s more music than what exist in the UK and the US!  The world is full of amazing music.  We need to broaden our horizons and not just geographically.  Different styles of music, different topics, different types of singers rather than the constant stream of white men.  And yes, sometimes we gotta push boundaries too.”  Rae answered.  “Their music is brilliant.    This album has been out for years.  We need to get on this yesterday!”  Rae told him firmly.  Jeff hesitated, staring at her in silent thought.  “Trust me on this Jeff.”

“Alright.”  He gave in, sighing internally; he knew that this was just the beginning of Rae bringing in songs that were going to get the censors twitchy. 

*

Heath had insisted on buying her a luxurious king sized bed, reasoning that she couldn’t expect him to share that tatty second hand double bed she’d bought herself when she’d first moved in here. 

She had only half-heartedly resisted.  Her bed was sagging horribly in the centre, and while she made a decent wage at the station, London was expensive, and they were still buying furniture for the apartment. 

As soon as the bed had gone in, he had started to stay there overnight more often. 

And Jeff had started to complain about the noise more.

They did make rather a lot of noise when they had sex.

*

“We’ve been friends for just about forever.”  Archie was trying to play it cool, but he was actually super excited.  “And then he just asked me if I wanted to go out… and that’s it.  Not very romantic I know.  But I now have a nice, respectable boyfriend.”  Archie was telling Heath and Jeff this.  Chloe and Rae knew all about Simon; they’d been going through the saga of Simon for years. 

“That’s wonderful.”  Heath answered warmly.  This second meeting with Chloe and Archie was going much better; both of them seemed to be warming to Heath much more and Jeff had just given up thinking he was going to get rid of Heath. 

Jeff had to admit that Heath had evolved since he had been with Rae.  she had been uncompromising on certain things; about the things she needed to be happy.  She made it clear that these things were not to be trifled with if he wanted to be with her and he had a choice to make about that; accept her rules in regards to her needs, or find someone else that was more suited to him.  On everything else she had been willing to compromise and work and yield.  Seeing her yield on certain things had made him feel safer to yield, and he had learned to be less demanding, less authoritative, less dominant at all times.  His anxiety had also eased and he felt less need to control and own Rae.  But even though Jeff could see that Heath had grown, that he was a decent man, and that he was deeply in love with Rae, he still couldn’t like the guy.  And he couldn’t figure out why.  He just couldn’t put his finger on what it was.  On paper he should love this guy.  He was generous to a fault, he adored Rae, he treated her well now that he was getting his bossiness under control, he was genuinely nice to Jeff…

Rae noticed Jeff furrowing his brows and gave him a soft kick under the table.  He looked up at her and grinned.  She grinned back.

The lunch was exquisite, of course, and the wine was free-flowing and the conversation was wonderful.  Heath was really fitting in with her closest friends now.  Rae was happy. 

The lunch date extended into chatting at home, this time at Heath’s beautiful apartment.  He had his own indoor pool, gym and massive television. 

“I’d never leave here if he was my lad.”  Archie said and sat down next to Rae.  Heath gave Archie a grin.

“Well play your cards right.”  Heath joked.  Rae looked up to see Jeff and Chloe in deep discussion, looking at one of the artworks Heath had on his walls.  She barely herd Jeff and Heath’s easy conversation as she watched Chloe tuck her hair behind her ear and look up at Jeff with a dazzlingly beautiful smile.  Jeff was talking more rapidly than usual and he put his hand down on shelves near them and accidentally knocked a photograph over.  Rae tried not to laugh at Jeff as he fumbled with the photograph and Chloe laughed with him; both of them obviously thinking his clumsiness had been funny.  She had loved seeing them two be close friends; they were both so important to her.  but now she was beginning to wonder if they both felt something a little more than friendship?  She knew she couldn’t push it.  This thing between them was like the smallest wisp of smoke and if she showed it to them, it would be like trying to catch that smoke in her hand; it would vanish. 

So she sat back to wait and see if this slight attraction she was seeing begin to blossom, would actually become something.

*

It was their anniversary…

Rae couldn’t quite believe that her and Heath had been together for a year.  It hadn’t felt that long.  She’d been so focussed on the station that she probably hadn’t spent as much time with Heath as she should have.  But he had never complained; he was busy too. 

He had taken her on a hot air balloon ride, followed by a picnic lunch, with their own chef cooking them food in an open air kitchen.  They had dismissed his servants and made love under the open skies. 

They laid together in the warm afternoon, lazily drawing patterns on each other and talking easily. 

“This was such a beautiful date.”  Rae sighed contently.

“I love you Rae.”  It was the first time he had said those words and Rae sat up surprise and looked at him in open-mouthed astonishment.  “I know!”  He laughed at the look on her face.  “I know I don’t express my feelings well.”  He acknowledged, “I’ve felt this way about you for many months and haven’t been able to say it.  But now I can.”  He sat up and stroked her face, “You make me a better version of me.  And I know it’s not your job to be my teacher, my software update… But you have given me so much.”

“Well relationships are about give and take.”  Rae answered.

“Well, I have something very important to ask you about our relationship.”  He said and took something from his pocket.  Rae furrowed her brows, unable to understand what was happening.  He flipped the lid on the small box and Rae was dazzled by the massive diamond ring staring back up at her.  “I love you Rae.  I would be greatly honoured if you would consent to spend your life walking side by side with me, as my wife.” 

Rae’s jaw dropped.  Her eyes slowly scanned from the ring up to his face. 

“You what?”  She asked, utterly stunned.  Not in her wildest dreams had she expected this. 

“I know it must be a surprise.”  Heath answered.   “But I want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together.  I am sure that we could make each other very happy.” 

He was handsome, rich, willing to work on their relationship and compromise, amazing in the sack, career focussed, which allowed her to be career focussed too…

Heath was perfect.

He was quite literally perfect.

“I can’t.”  Rae answered softly.

“What?”  He looked like she must be joking.

“I don’t love you.”  Rae only realised this when she had been faced with spending the rest of her life with him.  Had he never asked, she might have ended up plodding along in the relationship with him for much longer, never realising the truth.  “I’m so sorry Heath.”

“Were you just using me for my money?”  He asked, and Rae realised that this was what had caused all the problems she had seen in him; all the mental illness. 

“No.”  She sought to reassure him, “I only just realised… when you asked me… I just… I care so deeply about you… I never realised that I don’t love you.  Not until…”

“I asked you to marry me…?” 

She could hear the deep hurt in his voice.

It was a long, bitterly painful conversation.

And when Rae got home that night and told Jeff all about it, he finally realised what it was that had made him not like Heath; he’d known that Rae didn’t love him.  Rae was with him, and she liked him, cared for him, but she wasn’t in love with him.  So Jeff had subconsciously known Heath was temporary.  This had translated to a dislike for him. 

“I told him I’d give back every thing he bought me, but he didn’t want me to.”  Rae said at the end of it all.  Jeff patted his lap and she put her feet on his knees.  He rubbed her feet and Rae leaned back into the sofa, feeling quite philosophical, and more than a little sad.  “It’s so weird that I didn’t love him.”  Rae said, “I just always thought that if you spent a year with someone, then you must love them.”  She shook her head, “I mean maybe I do love him… just not enough… or not in the way I need to, to marry a guy…” She mused.  Jeff rubbed her feet and settled in for a long night of talk. 

*

_Dear gang,_

_Heath and I broke up._

_I’m fine, no need to get ice cream._

_I’ll see you guys when you next visit._

_Love you all_

_Rae_

_xo_

_*_

 

**CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER (it was too long to post in one chapter)**


	3. A Decade (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> had to cut the story in 2 because it was too long

_Dear Diary_

_Things end._

_Other things begin._

_It’s a natural process._

_The ending of things isn’t always sad, and the beginning of things isn’t always joyous._

_I cried for how much I hurt Heath, for how bad I feel for him._

_But I haven’t cried for myself.  I’m not really sad that I’m not with him.  I cared for him, but he was more just… filling in space and time than really being with someone._

_I didn’t even realise how I had just fallen into the relationship with him; how he became a habit rather than a choice._

_I do hope he finds someone that loves him the way he deserves._

_Something else that’s come to an end is my long black hair.  I’ve had it cut short and dyed bright blue._

_It’s fucking brilliant!_

_I think it’s time to listen to some Bowie; farewell my hair and Heath in one go._

_End of an era.  Rae Earl is no longer a brunette._

*

And then Rae had deep, painful love shoved way back into her face when she bumped into Pierre.

She had known he was in London at the moment, working and studying medicine; their weekly emails had continued unabated and he had told her much about it.  But she had not expected to see him as a student GP when she went to get her pill prescription.  There he was sitting beside her regular doctor, learning.  It was clear from the look on his face that he had not expected to see her either.

It had been 2 years since she had last seen him.  And he was as beautiful as ever. 

The depth of love she had for him stabbed through her chest.  But then it melted into warm treacle.  It was Pierre.  It was always warm and lovely when it came to him.  And again, Pierre’s face gave him away; he too was moved by his continuing love for her. 

Pierre had excused himself from the room, giving Rae her privacy with her doctor.  But as she left the clinic, he was at the door. 

“Rachel.”  He said softly as she came through the door.  She didn’t say a word, she simply drew him into a warm embrace. 

“When are you off today?”

“At 6pm.”  He answered.

“I’ll come get you, we’ll have dinner.”

“I would like that.”  He answered.  He gave her another longing look before going back inside. 

When they finally sat down on the lounge at Rae’s place; Jeff locked up in his room with his current girlfriend, they ate the pizza Rae had picked up and started talking with the ease Rae had come to expect from her and Pierre. 

“And I don’t even know why I stayed with him for a year.  Archie says it’s cos there was no reason to not be with him… but early on there were plenty of reasons.”

“Perhaps early on, you were trying to rescue him Rachel.”  Pierre answered, “You have helped so many people around you; all of your friends…”

“But not you.”  Rae said sadly.

“I am doing much better Rachel.”  He reported, “Therapy is finally starting to help.  I am having nightmares less often, I am having flashbacks less often.  But…”

“But you’re still not ready.”  Rae said.  But she saw the look of longing in his eyes.

“Perhaps we can-”

“No Pierre.”  Rae answered with a gentle but firm tone.   “We both know it’s best for us to wait until you’re ready.”

“But my love for you has not lessened in any way over these years Rachel.”  He told her.

“I still love you too.”

“And I still ache for you as if it were only yesterday that we said goodbye.”  He said, “As if that pain was still new.”

“I still ache for you.”  It was so easy to tell him these things.

“I have missed you Rachel.”  His hand went to her cheek, but he pulled it away, not sure if he was still permitted to touch her. 

“I’ve missed you.”  She answered and took his hand. 

“The cruellest part of this genocide, is that while they took our lives, they not only stripped us of our pasts, but they robbed us of our futures too.”  Rae kissed the palm of his hand, desperately trying to think of what to say to that.

“I know it seems that way.”  She said, “But I have faith in you Pierre.”  Rae said,. “I know you’ll find your future.”  She stroked his slightly longer hair.  He usually kept it cropped short, but now it was about an inch long.  “You’re gonna be a doctor.  And we will find our time.” 

“I do hope so Rachel.”  He answered.

“Please tell me that you been seeing other people as well, and it’s just not me.”  Rae said trying to move to happier topics.

“No relationships obviously.”  Pierre answered, “But yes, several sexual partners.” 

“Good.  Cos it would be a crime to keep all of that from the female population.”  Rae grinned.  Pierre scoffed and shook his head.  “Don’t shake ya head at me lad; you’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.” 

“Truly?” 

“Truly.”  Rae put her glass of wine down.  Heath had gotten her into drinking wine and it often made an appearance in amongst her beer and spirits.  “In fact… if I’m not out of line…”  She edged closer to him and put a hand on his chest.

“You are never out of line Rachel.”  He kissed her, his passion for her had not lessened one bit. 

As Rae learned that night.

Multiple times. 

*

Unfortunately, a week later Pierre finished his time at Rae’s doctor and moved back to being an hour away from her.

Or perhaps that was fortunate because they had no chance of starting a relationship again, and seeing each other daily for a week was a beautiful torture that Rae knew she couldn’t maintain for too long. 

And she knew he would be doing parts of his degree in other countries too; he was part of an exchange program.  He’d already spent a semester in America, and would be off to France soon. 

Rae threw herself into her work and into yet another relationship.

*

Kurt was a rugged, scruffy and fucking adorable man.  He was the same height and build as Rae, but he had light brown hair and piercingly blue eyes. 

Rae fell very quickly in lust with him. 

He was an album reviewer with NME magazine and their first conversation had been a very heated debate about the new Radiohead album. 

They had been starting to make out and arguing over the debut Yeah Yeah Yeahs album when Rae knew she was gonna have to keep this one around for a bit; he was too much fun.  But it was when he declared The White Stripes to be irrelevant already she had wondered if this is what Finn would have been like had he kept up with the times.

It only took 2 days to realise that he was nothing like Finn, and that he was not single because of his weight like he thought.

Kurt hated himself as much as Rae ever had, but unlike Rae who had sought help, Kurt was a mess and refused to seek help. 

He would eat a meat pie because he liked them and then fall into a spiral of self hate and deprecation for having eaten.  He would punch himself in the stomach.  Rae often had to catch his hand and stop him often leaving herself with bruises.  But unlike Jeff, who had wanted to stop self-harming, Kurt not only believed he deserved it, because he was fat, but he also seemed to enjoy hurting himself… because he was fat.  So when Rae tried to give him alternatives, he had laughed.

Kurt.  Hated.  Fat.  People.

He was always the first to comment on fat people’s bodies.  The first to comment that they shouldn’t wear certain things.  The first to say they were ugly.

But apparently not Rae.  She was ok.  Apparently.

And the way he ate up her body made Rae believe it.

She tried to educate him about the way people had been taught to value certain features and appearances above others through media and that actually, everyone really was beautiful.  She told him he was as attractive as any other man she’d been with. 

He did not believe her.

Much like Heath before him, he was needy.

Rae didn’t think there was anything wrong with needing things or people.  It was the way that some people went about getting the things they needed that was sometimes difficult to cope with.

Heath had been bossy… Kurt was clingy and needed constant reassurance and her constant presence.  He would call at 3am when he felt bad about himself to seek her reassurance.  He would show up at work, while she was on air and demand to speak to her because he needed her right now.  He bought her a mobile phone so he could contact her no matter where she was and got upset if she didn’t take it into the bathroom with her; claiming she didn’t want to spend time with him and wanted to get away from him cos he was a fat loser.

Rae tried to give him as much as she could, but she was still struggling with her own mental health issues.  Even though they rarely troubled her these days, she knew it was because she was taking good care of herself, and that if she let that slip, it was likely everything would crowd back in on her again. 

The main problem was that no matter what she said, he didn’t believe her.  He sought constant reassurance from her and then did not believe a word of it.  She didn’t know what she could do other than try to teach him to have self-reliance, to self-soothe, to tell himself the things he needed to hear rather than rely on others for it. 

Rae had noticed that Kurt put his mental health in her hands constantly; and she didn’t want that responsibility.  She believed that everyone should take on that responsibility themselves.  With help of course, and she was willing to help… But he didn’t seem to want help.  He was stuck where he was and he wanted someone to rescue him, to lift him out of it with little to no effort from himself.  And Rae not only didn’t know how to do that, but she didn’t think it was possible.  People only got better through their own hard work and time. 

But the vast majority of the time he was a lot of fun to be around and everyone adored him; he knew a lot about music and he was an eager and fun lover.  Rae knew that Kurt didn’t see his own positives and she spent a lot of her energy trying to get him to see them.  It never worked. 

Rae just wished she knew what to do to help him.  She suggested therapy and he took it as an insult, yelling at her that he wasn’t mental.  It was the first fight they’d had.  And to say sorry he’d bought them a 3 week trip to Vietnam. 

And on the third day she had caught him fucking a Vietnamese sex worker. 

He had paid less than 5 quid for her.

Rae had offered her all the money in her small purse, the kind of purse that fit inside her bra.  It had only amounted to £100 worth of Vietnamese dong.  Rae had then apologised profusely to her for not giving her more money and asked her to leave. 

She had stared at him in silence while he had mumbled and fumbled and looked down. 

In the end he’d told her that he thought if just one thin woman would have sex with him he’d feel like he was worth something.  Because thin women were more attractive.  He preferred flat stomachs. 

It surprised Rae that her first instinct was to try and help him in this self-destructive thinking.  Through all her pain and anger, her first thought was for him.  But she heard Pierre’s voice in her mind, telling her that she had tried to save, tried to rescue Heath.  She realised that this was her living out her fantasy of saving Pierre.  That was why she was accepting men that were not worth her time like Heath and Kurt.  Because she wanted to save them like she hadn’t saved Pierre.  But she knew she couldn’t save Pierre and that he was saving himself.  The only person she could and should save was herself.

She had told him that therapy would be a good idea for him, had wished him the best and then told him she never wanted to see him again.  She wasn’t going to tear herself down to try and help him lift himself up.  She took her suitcase, checked into a 5 star hotel and re-planned her holiday.

She’d had a great time by herself. 

*

But when she had returned home she had had a few days of looking at herself in the mirror and noticing the fat ripples, the stretch marks, the way her stomach sat…

But she caught herself before she started to spiral.

“I have worked too hard to let this happen now.”  She had whispered to herself, “Smother that negative fire Rae.”  She had thrown herself into massive acts of self-care and self-love and started looking for another therapist.  She wasn’t taking any chances. 

She’d only needed two sessions with the new therapist to be back on her merry path. 

Kurt had gotten under her skin because so much of his self-hate was the same sort of self-hate she’d had.  Now that she understood that, she understood it was a trigger for her.  She knew how to avoid it better, how to deal with it better.  Always she was learning new survival tips, new techniques and tactics to keep herself afloat; it was always an ongoing journey, a battle to not let the world make her feel worthless.

But the underlying thread to all of her work was that Rae truly believed she didn’t deserve hatred.  Kester’s words had gotten through to her; she didn’t deserve bad things.  And the other main thread was believing that she did in fact deserve good things.  Leandra had gotten through to her there. 

*

Months seemed to fly by, everyone in the gang had visited her but Finn, and Rae had finally met Archie’s man, Simon,  he was ok, a bit snooty, but he obviously cared about Archie. 

Izzy had written to tell her she was pregnant.  It was so exciting Rae had nearly fallen off her chair punching the air.  Although, the round of ‘when’s Chop gonna make you an honest woman’ was all over the group email Izzy sent out.  Rae scowled at the idea that they had to married to be a family. 

She’d have to organise some time off work and get to Stamford around the time of the birth in a few months. 

Rae looked at the pile of boxes still sitting in the corner of her room.

It was Sunday morning, she had nothing better to do.

She had unpacked most of them, but this was a lot of the stuff from when she had been living with her mum. 

She sorted through all of her old things, photos, letters, ticket stubs, mix tapes, diaries. 

She read a letter from Finn, still grinning at the bit about Chop’s one-eared elephant joke after all these years.  And there was a photo of her and Finn together.  She felt a dull ache in her heart and made a soft sound in the back of her throat.  She hadn’t really thought about Finn in a long while.  But it had been three years since she had seen him. 

Rae sighed and looked away from the photo to the pile of diaries still in the box.  She pulled one out and opened it to a random page.  It was from her first year at uni and she read the first few lines on the page to herself.

_Kester told me that you can lie in diaries.  Leandra told me that you can also tell the truth in them._

_I’ve come to realise that when you can tell the difference between the lies and the truth, with clarity and honesty, you’re starting to get better.  You’re starting to see yourself realistically._

_So now I understand what Kester meant by the answers are in my diaries.  All that blathering about me diaries having an ending about a girl who gets her dreams made no sense to me cos he said you can lie in diaries.  And cos me diaries don’t end do they?  But I get it now - I’M in my diaries – this is me.  The painful lies I told about myself, and the painful truths.  But there’s also some wonderful truths too.  And I can see that now._

Rae closed the diary with a sad smile, she wondered where Kester was, what he was doing.  She understood even more now what Kester had meant by the answer was in her diaries: the answer was herself.  She was the answer.  In all of her good and bad glory.  She was the only answer she needed.  The only answer she’d ever need.  She thought she had understood that when she had imagined overdosing, and wondering if Finn would come to her rescue.  She had decided she needed to rescue herself.  But she hadn’t understood what that really meant; it meant that she could finally rely on herself, that she actually was strong, that the answer to a lot of her questions was herself.  The answers had been in her diaries.  They told the story of a girl who had found herself.  And that was all she really needed.  When everything else was gone, she always knew she’d have herself. 

This was a powerful knowledge.  She felt powerful.  So powerful.  And safe.  She was safe in her own hands.  She was her own best friend. 

Rae smiled happily and put her diary aside and looked down at the mixtapes she had. 

One of them caught her eyes; the yellow highlighter over the name ‘Finn’ was fading, but it was still bright and cheery.  She picked it up and ran her fingers over his name.

“Finn.”  She said fondly, a small smile on her lips.  Sometimes, at quiet moments like this, she could admit to herself that she missed him.  The friendship they had had had been one of the things that had gotten her through those dark times.  And there relationship had been so good while it had lasted.  Although she got the feeling that they had both been untruthful with each other; both of them had held back, neither of them had truly seen the other properly.  She knew that she had put Finn up on a pedestal, and that had been a terrible mistake. 

She knew that she could never go back to what she had had with Finn.  How could she trust him?  He’d barely changed at all from that same 19 year old that had thrown her away, thrown their relationship away for Katie Springer’s lips.  Maybe if he’d grown up at all in all these years she could look at him as anything other than the boy that had cheated on her.  She felt sad, nostalgic for a time she had had with him when they’d been so happy. 

She put the tape in the player, and of course, the first song that came on was ‘Wonderwall.’  She felt tears in the back of her eyes.  But they lacked the sting all of her other tears over Finn when she hadn’t been over him like she was now, like she had been for some time.  She didn’t mind reminiscing about him anymore, she didn’t mind this nostalgia, or the sniffles it brought on.

“Oh Finn.”  She whispered to herself. 

The door swung open and Jeff poked his head in.

“Want some toasted cheese sandwiches for lunch lass?”  He asked.

“Aye.”  Her voice cracked.

“Are ye crying?”  He sounded concerned.

“Just a little.”  She opened up the nearest diary and re-read the same entry.  “Just my old diaries.”

“Oh aye… mine are fucking depressing as all fuck.”  Jeff agreed.

“In this one I was telling myself that if you can tell the difference between the lies and the truths you tell yourself about yourself, honestly and with clarity, then you’re getting better.”  She said softly.

“Or you are better.”  Jeff suggested. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be 100% better.  I’ve come to terms with that… cos it’s a journey Jeff.  There’s no end point.”  Rae said peacefully, “Not until you die anyway.”

“Well that’s a fucking cheery thought innit lass?”  Jeff answered sardonically. 

“It’s not a depressing thought anymore.”  Rae answered, “Coming to terms with realities like this are important for people like us.” 

“Aye.  It’s a journey.  At any time I might fall back into anxiety… take the wrong turn… need to re-begin my recovery journey… I know, I know lass!  I did therapy too.”  He shook his head, “But I dunno… We’re both doing so well.  Kinda startin’ to feel like we’re invincible.”

“You’ll jinx us!”  Rae warned with a laugh.  “Except neither of us have found love.  Well… not love we can have.”  Rae looked over at the tape player, playing Finn’s mixed tape.  She’d known love twice.  And both times it wasn’t meant to be.  Although she had a lot of hope that Pierre and her could still be.  She had no such hope for Finn and her. 

“Well like I said RaeRae,” He’d picked that up from Chop when he’d visited with Izzy, along with Raemundo.  “She gotta love you as much as I do.”

“Good luck with that.”  Rae said sceptically.

“I am doomed to die a bachelor.’  He joked, “But at least I’ll have a lot of sex.” 

“So there’s no one you’re interested in?”  Rae asked, thinking about the way he and Chloe seemed to be gravitating to each other every time they were in the same room.  The last couple of years had seen the two of them grow much closer, and Rae could practically feel the electricity between them when they were standing across the room from each other.  But nothing had come of it yet.  And it confused her.  They had so much chemistry…

“I mean… there’s a lot o’ women I like.”  He said evasively.  “But none that-”  He shrugged.  “I dunno Raemundo, some women aren’t interested in me that way.  Surprising I know!”  He joked, “And then some women are wonderful and I’m interested in them, but I couldn’t imagine spending the rest o’ me life with ‘em.  Or having wee lil bairns with ‘em.  Ugh.” 

“Maybe the ones you think aren’t interested in being with you secretly are.”  Rae said hopefully.  Jeff gave a short thoughtful look and then shook his head.

“Nah.”  He answered.  “It’s alright, not everyone can like ya, right?”

“No I s’pose not.”  Rae agreed.  Maybe she was reading the Chloe thing wrong?

*

The following day saw her grumbly and still nostalgic.  Monday mornings were often a little grumbly; she preferred to sleep in rather than get up at Jeff’s ridiculous time so she could be in work at Jeff’s ridiculous time.  Having him as a boss was sometimes wonderful, sometimes grumbly.  Mornings were grumbly. 

She walked in to work, her mind filled with all of her teenage years; the music, the gang, Stamford… she missed it all.  She was missing Finn quite a bit too. 

She scrunched her nose at Peter playing ‘where’s the luv’ on the poplar music show.  And waited for her lead in. 

The first thing she did was play the genius song ‘I believe in a thing called love’ by The Darkness and then looked over her playlist.  She had made some late alterations to suit her mood. 

There was no part of her that thought anyone in the gang listened to her show.  They all had work at the time she was on.  And particularly Finn, was still caught in the 90s, so he wouldn’t be interested in the mix of old classics and cutting edge new music she played. 

But she still had a song she wanted to play for everyone.  For the gang.  For Finn.

“Alright everyone?”  She came in over the very end of the song and looked down at the CD in her hand as she spoke.  “I’ve been having a very nostalgic day today cos I been going through all me old things…”  She told them all, her mind still on Finn, “looking at photos and letters and that kind of thing.”  She thought about Finn, about how often he’d spoken about doing this very job she had now.  “So this song’s for you, I haven’t seen ya in three years, but this song will always be ours… it was supposed to be both of us doing this job together.”  She said softly, and then played ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis.  She felt sad for Finn; he hadn’t tried to chase this dream of his.  Just like he hadn’t tried for her.  What was he so afraid of that he wouldn’t put himself out there and get what he wanted?

Rae knew she still loved Finn.  And as angry and disappointed as she’d been with him over the past 6 years, she still wanted him to find his happiness. 

*

“It’s getting long again.”  Chloe said running her fingers through Rae’s hair. 

“I’m thinking o’ going rainbow colours next.”  Rae answered. 

“Show ya gay heart!”  Jeff answered from the floor.  He’d tripped and fallen there several minutes ago and wasn’t moving.  After the laughter had died down the conversation had continued as normal.  As normal a three very drunk people can talk that is.  

“How many girls have ya fucked?”  Chloe asked.

“I have fucked…”  Rae tried to count, but her alcohol blurred mind wouldn’t let her pin down a number.  “A number of girls…” 

“Me too!”  Chloe answered.

“I didn’t know you was gay!”  Jeff rolled onto his side and looked up at the two of them on the lounge. 

“I’m bisexual.”  Chloe answered.  “Like Rae.  What are you?”

“I… am… straight?”  Jeff answered.

“Boring!”  Rae teased him.

“At least I’m not white!”  He shot back.  Chloe laughed loudly.

“He got you there!”  She said gleefully to Rae.

“I think you’re white too Chlo.”  Rae told her and Chloe paused for a moment and started laughing loudly.  She dropped off the lounge and crawled drunkenly to Jeff.

“You got me too!”  She said and punched his arm.

“OW!”  He pretended it hurt much more than it did and rolled onto his back in feigned agony. 

“Weak!”  Chloe said and tried to pinch his nose.

“No!”  He protested and tried to get Chloe’s nose.  “Rae come and protect me!”

“No Rae, come and protect me; I’m ya best friend!” 

“No I am!”

“No I am!”

“No!”

“No!”

Rae stumbled across the floor to them and collapsed beside Chloe. 

“Stop it!”  She said and smacked them both on the hand.  That started them all off laughing and Rae and Chloe both collapsed onto Jeff; using his stomach as a pillow. 

“You’re so pretty Rae.”  Chloe said happily.

“You too Chlo.”  Rae answered, “it’s always you and me.”

“Always you and me.”  They hugged and Jeff looked up at the ceiling.

“And me.”  He interjected merrily.  The girls hugged him.

“AND JEFF!”  Chloe said exuberantly.  “I like Jeff.  He’s tall.”  She scrambled up and straddled him while Rae stayed lying with her head on his stomach.  “How tall are you?”  Chloe asked Jeff.

“6 foot…”  He tried to remember, “8 inches!”  He told her triumphantly recalling his own height.

“I heard tall men have big dicks.  Is that true?”  She asked him.

“I dunno.  Ask Rae.”

“Aye he’s alright.”  Rae answered.

“I wanna see.”  Chloe said and tugged on Jeff’s belt.

“Well I’m too drunk to get It up lass.”  Jeff answered honestly… “So probably wait a bit then have a look…”  He suggested, “Oh?  No?  Ok…”  He said as Chloe tugged at his pants and they started to come down.  Rae rolled onto her side and helped Chloe. 

“I taught him so much good stuff.”  Rae told Chloe, “He’ll do a really good job with ya.”

“That’s nice.”  Chloe said and rubbed Rae’s face clumsily, Jeff’s pants forgotten, “You’re so nice.”  And she kissed Rae.  Jeff looked down at Rae and Chloe passionately kissing, their faces inches from his groan.

“Why did I drink so much…?”  He bemoaned as Chloe’s hand gripped his flaccid cock through his jeans.  “Oh god.”  He watched as Chloe’s hand left his groin and went to Rae’s tits.

“You have got the best tits.”  Chloe said.

“No but… but yours are perfect.”  Rae said, “Remember that bra woman?”

“Oh yeah!”  Chloe started to laugh, “Don’t be afraid o’ ya tits!”  She slurred and laid back down, her head on Jeff’s groin.  “Jeff you’re wonderful.”  She declared and kissed his groin.

“Ayup.”  Jeff answered, staring at her in disbelief, “Tha’s me.” 

“Next time we’re all sober together, let’s fuck!”  Chloe said.

“You two aren’t gonna remember tomorrow.”  Rae said and settled back into using Jeff’s stomach as a pillow, “Neither o’ ya can handle ya booze.” 

“Can too!”  Chloe said, curling up between Jeff’s legs on her side, her head still on his groin.

“Why did we all drink so much?”  He bemoaned again.  He was painfully aware of how close this was to become the best sexual night of his life.  But he also knew he was far too drunk to do anything about it.  Jeff was very good at being able to measure his own capabilities when drunk, unlike most men. 

“Cos it’s fun!”  Rae told him and rolled to face him.  “And you’re pretty.”

“SO pretty!”  Chloe agreed and crawled up to lie on the other side of him.

“Fucking hell.”  Jeff moaned as both women laid down beside him, wrapping his arms around them.  “I’m too drunk for this!” 

“Poor Jeffy.”  Chloe leaned up and kissed his cheek.  Rae grinned and kissed his other cheek. 

“You’re doing this on purpose aren’t ya?”

“Yep.”  Rae answered cheekily.  Chloe ran a hand down his chest to his stomach and then pulled his shirt.

“Go’ you got a good body Jeff.”  Chloe said and ran her hands over his bare stomach.  His hands dropped from around their shoulder to their waists and neither of them protested.  “Except those aren’t feet!  They’re boats!”  Jeff started to laugh, but Chloe was stuck on his body now.  “You could just wrap us both up in those arms.’  She whispered, “Look…”  She grabbed his hand and put it on her breast.  Jeff’s mouth opened in desire, his eyes on his hand as he squeezed her breast.  “You’re hands are so big.”  Chloe marvelled happily.  Jeff groaned slightly and Chloe gave Rae a look.

“This could happen.”  Rae realised out loud.

“No it fucking can’t.”  Jeff moaned unhappily.  But Rae kissed his lips as Chloe kissed down his chest.  The CD player switched albums and Muse’s new album came on.  Chloe sat up excitedly because she knew this album and she rarely knew any music that Rae knew, and then her head started swimming violently.

“Oh…”  she said suddenly, “Oh I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Alright.”  Rae said and got up, helping Chloe to the bathroom. 

Jeff lay on the floor for a moments longer staring at the ceiling, his head spinning, knowing he was too drunk to get up and make coffee, but also knowing that was what he had to do.  He heard Chloe heaving in the bathroom and tried to roll himself onto his side as Rae stumbled back out to get some water. 

“Don’ worry babe, I got it.”  Rae said. 

She really could handle her alcohol better than everyone else she knew.

*

Rae watched Stamford roll into view through the train window and sighed; she really did need to learn how to drive.  She had a fairly large suitcase this time because she was planning on being in Stamford for a few weeks to meet Izzy and Chop’s first born.  Archie and Chloe had made a bet over whether it was a boy or girl, but Rae didn’t really care.  She just hoped it was a good delivery; she was slightly anxious about it after her mother’s delivery. 

She took some deep breaths and sat with the feeling of anxiety, letting her body just adapt to it, rather than trying to fight it.  She knew she had this, she knew she could work through it; she had a 100% success rate of overcoming this kind of thing, so she had faith in herself now.  She reminded herself that feeling anxious about things like this was normal, it didn’t mean something bad was going to happen and it didn’t mean that she, Rae, was a bad person for feeling anxious. 

Learning to sit with her feelings and not fight them and not judge herself for having them was both one of the hardest and best thing she’d ever done.  She had done it only through practice.  Repetition, as Leandra had said.  It felt natural for her now.  She didn’t panic about feeling anxious; it was amazing how helpful that was. 

Rae then went into ‘mechanic mode’, as she called it.  Checking in with her body, making sure everything was feeling ok.  Then it was ‘best friend mode’, checking that mentally and emotionally she was coping with everything.  She had learned that it was important to check in with herself, make sure she was doing ok, and to be honest with herself, and not judgemental about her honest answers.  It was all part of that ‘being kind to herself’ thing Leandra had taught her. 

She was good.  Everything was ok.  She was anxious for Izzy, but that was ok.  Everything would be ok.

She felt good.  She was excited more than anxious now that it was time to grab her suitcase and head to the train doors. 

As soon as she got into the car park she saw Archie’s tatty old brown car parked up the curb.  She grinned and headed towards it as fast as she could drag her suitcase on its wheels. 

But as she got closer, she saw that it wasn’t Archie waiting for her behind the wheel as had been planned. 

“I thought Archer was gonna pick me up?”  Rae looked into the car and Finn gave her a grim expression.

“Simon and him are having a row.”  He explained, “Again.”  He added under his breath, but Rae ignored that jab at his best friend’s relationship.  It was true that Archie and Simon fought a lot now, but that didn’t mean she needed to comment about it.  “But we can grab some lunch and stuff.  I know you was gonna hang out with Arch until Chlo got off work.” 

“Alright.”  Rae answered.  “Still in the same apartment?”  She already knew the answer.

“Aye.”  Finn answered.  “Prob’ly never move.” 

“I’m thinking of moving to Australia.”  Rae answered.  It was a lie.  She had just said it because she was tired of seeing Finn in this rut and she wanted to shake things up.  But that did give her the travel bug.  Maybe next holiday she’d head down under and check it out. 

“Why’s that?”  His voice sounded slightly anxious to Rae and she regretted trying to provoke a response out of him now.

“I went there last year on holidays and it was fucking brilliant.”  Rae said in a snap decision to keep lying.  She gritted her teeth at herself, really disappointed that she had done this.  She barely noticed him nodding his head, she was too busy trying to analyse why sometimes Finn brought out the worst in her. He just got under her skin.  It killed her to see him like this; he was so bored with his life.  But he wasn’t for her to save.  She could only save herself.  But she knew, without a shadow of a doubt that if he needed her help she would give it without hesitation.  He just had to want to save himself.  He just seemed to be so stuck in a rut. 

She looked over at him.  It had been three years and he still looked as good as ever.  She smiled fondly as he drove them away from the station.  His hair was longer again, his jeans tatty, and he was in the same damn Oasis shirt.  But he was as gorgeous as ever.  And as seemingly grumpy. 

“Where d’you wanna go for lunch?”  But he had sounded polite when he asked that, so he was obviously trying.  Rae decided that she had been too hard on Finn and decided to spend more time with him over the next few weeks; to get to know him again, maybe she was wrong that he hadn’t change at all in 6 years. 

“Just your place.”  Rae answered politely.  “Keep it cheap.” 

She hadn’t intended for it to go like this.

But somehow the entrance to his apartment made her hornier than she’d been in a few years and she had pushed him up against the wall and begun kissing him.  She told herself to stop; she was supposed to re-acquainting herself with Finn, not fucking him, but here they where, exactly where they’d been three years ago; her pushing him back towards the lounge.

He was undressing and Rae could see that his body was as fit as ever.  She pulled her blue dress off and pushed him back onto the lounge, giving him a good long chance to look at her in her lacy underwear.  She knew how good she looked in these. 

She looked him in the eye, telling him what she wanted to do to him with the lust in her eyes as she slowly removed her bra, and then knickers.  She liked how he stared with his mouth open in lust and very obvious appreciation; as always, Finn was rock hard for her. 

She was more than happy to climb aboard and ride him to a nice orgasm, shower, and head to Chloe’s house.  But she was also going to make plans to hang out with him this time; just hang out and talk and listen to music, no sex.  She’d make those plans before she left.

But for now, she was ready for a nice quickie. 

She climbed on top of him and rode him.  This time she didn’t need to remind him to use his hands, not only was he doing a great job touching her where she liked, he was pulling her closer, increasing the friction between their skin deliciously.  His kisses were far more passionate than they had been last time; Rae reasoned he had been too surprised last time to catch up with what was happening.  This time he seemed more present, more involved, and the sex was far better. 

Rae loved the way he looked at her, the way his hands travelled over her body with such purpose, he was aiming to bring her pleasure, and he was also clearly revelling in her body.  She really enjoyed letting people revel in her body, and letting Finn revel in her body was truly one of the great pleasures of her life so far.  She hadn’t been able to let him revel in her when they had been dating; she hadn’t liked herself or her body enough to do that.  But now she loved herself, and she let him love her and her body as much as he wanted, as much as he could.  And that was a lot.  And that made her cum; the way he wanted her made her cum. 

To her surprise when her orgasm ebbed, he still hadn’t cum and he was tapping her arse to change position like he had in the old days. 

That’s when Rae knew it was really going to be good.

Rae gave him an appreciative look; wanting to show him just how much she was both enjoying this and expected to enjoy what was about to happen.  She slipped form his lap and licked the tip of his glistening cock. 

Rae loved giving blowjobs.  She made it her mission to make a guy roll his head back in pleasure.  She kept her eyes on Finn’s face, gauging his reactions, and started by licking around the head of his cock; she knew he liked to be warmed up like that.  He watched her intently as she slowly slid her lips down the length of his cock. 

In the last 6 years since she’d last given Finn oral sex, Rae had learned to deep throat.

“Oh Jesus…”  Finn moaned.  But Rae wasn’t done; she’d learned all about the male G-spot, how it could be stimulated internally, which she thought Finn might not be ready for, or externally through the perineum.  She let her fingers slowly caress over his balls, making him groan and then her fingers continued.  She revelled in the way his eyes opened wider; he’d obviously never had anyone putting their fingers back there, behind his balls, before.  She pressed up, seeking the most pleasurable place on him and was gifted with his eyes rolling back in his head.  She squeezed his balls with the same hand and got down to a nice rhythm, stroking the base of his cock with her other hand.  And then she added her trademark tongue swirl to the head of his cock every time he moved up his shaft, just before she went back down. 

And then her favourite part of giving head; the moment when the man couldn’t stop himself from swearing to himself because he was desperate to not cum too soon and this just felt so good.  Rae kept her eyes on his face, even though his eyes were closed in bliss, one hand squeezing the armrest on the sofa, the other tangling in her hair. 

He started to softly whisper ‘stop’ and stroked her cheek, signalling for her to stop.  Rae stopped and looked up at him triumphantly; she knew why he’d had to stop her; he had nearly cum

“Let me get up in that cunt, girl.”  He whispered to her as he got up off the lounge.  Rae laughed; Finn didn’t always have a whole lot of finesse or subtlety with seduction, but he made up for that with how much he loved going down.  Rae laid down on the lounge and spread her legs, happily showing off her beautiful vagina. 

She watched Finn grin happily as he looked at her pussy and then dropped to his knees and brought his face closer to her.  She knew he was smelling her; he’d always loved the smell of her.  She loved the way he always licked her labia before he dove in; it revved her up. 

He was teasing her pussy; his fingers tickling around her entrance, but not entering her.  She gripped his hair as he started to lick her clit. 

“Oh fuck.”  She groaned happily and thrust her hips upwards, but she didn’t want to move too much; Finn knew what he was doing with his mouth, she wanted to leave him to it.  His warm wet mouth felt divine on her pussy and Rae groaned loudly when he sucked her clit in between his lips.  She didn’t know exactly what he was doing, she just knew that the firmness of his lips on the sides of her clit rolling around coupled with the ticklish teasing on the tip of it, sometimes probing under her clit hood, was divine.  And then, with perfect timing he slid his fingers inside of her, bringing her closer to orgasm.  It felt like Finn had found a place of pleasure deep inside of her.  And then he topped it by reaching up and squeezing her nipple hard. 

And that was too much for Rae; she came spectacularly.

And she wanted him inside of her again; she found that she could cum again very quickly if she was fucked from behind after oral, so she got up and bent over in front of him, on all fours, leaving no room for mistaking what she wanted. 

Finn didn’t need a second invitation; he slid into her and fucked her good and hard, smacking her arse hard, sending waves of pleasure through Rae’s body.

“YES!”  She encouraged him to keep doing exactly what he was doing, because it felt incredible for her. 

She came, crying out loudly and moments later heard the sound of Finn coming.  It sounded like he was having a good one and that spurred Rae on to push back against his pelvis even harder, squeezing her Kegel muscles to make it better for him. 

They collapsed together onto the floor, their arms and legs entangled, both of them laughing and panting happily; good sex could make almost anyone happy it seemed, even grumpy Finn. 

As they laid together, Rae looked at his face, she knew all of his features so well.  She saw him staring into her eyes, and she could feel her emotions stirring in her heart. 

She didn’t need to be stirring up those feelings.  And Finn didn’t need that either.  It wasn’t fair to either of them; they could never be together.  He was never going to leave Stamford, and she was never coming back here.  Not for anything other than visits. 

She sat up, putting distance between herself and those feelings.  She would never deny she still loved him; she just had to be realistic about their relationship and any future possibilities they had. 

Zero. 

There were zero future possibilities with the way she was at the moment, and the way Finn was all the time. 

“Better clean up and get some lunch.”  She said breezily, getting all of those feelings under control relatively easily.  She got up and went into the bathroom, Finn following her.  She started to chat, mostly about her job as a DJ at a radio station in London.  She wished that Finn would do something like this, he would love this job. 

“I’ve missed you so much Rae.”  She heard his voice and didn’t want to look at him.  It was too much for him to say that to her. 

“Don’t do this.”  She said softly, she lowered her eyes; it felt strange to lower her eyes nowadays, she usually kept her eyes up and proud.

“Don’t do what?”  Rae was surprised by the sudden sharpness in his voice.  “The last two times we seen each other, there’s been like fucking magic between us and I-”

“This isn’t magic!”  She snapped angrily; she didn’t need this kind of rubbish from him.  It was bad enough the she still had feelings for him, knowing that he felt for her too, but for him to be thinking it could ever be anything… for him to be thinking she could go back to him when she had grown so much.  No there was no going backwards for her; she was proud of how far she’d come, and he truly hadn’t changed at all.  “This is fucking.  Don’t turn it into something it’s not.”  Maybe if he’d grown up just one little bit, it wouldn’t be such a massive step backwards to even think about being with him.  But he hadn’t.  That much was obvious right now.

“This isn’t you Rae.”  He whispered.  This infuriated Rae because the implication was that he was calling her a slut.  He was saying it wasn’t like her to just fuck a guy with no strings attached.  Rae had done a lot of work on freeing herself from the myth of ‘slut’ and ‘purity’ – she’d worked hard to embrace her sexuality and physicality and doing so had made her far more mentally stable.  She refused to be sucked backwards by him.

“How would you know what’s me?”  She snapped, “You basically abandoned me and our relationship when I got into university.  You couldn’t have it your way so you went after Katie, who was supposed to be my friend!”  All of the emotions she hadn’t expressed to him at the time finally found their voice.

“That’s not-”

“You didn’t even try to suggest a long distance relationship.  You didn’t even fight for me… for us… you just… you let us go… so don’t you dare try and do this now Finn Nelson, don’t you dare.”  There were angry tears in her eyes, “I’ve spent the last 6 years of my life building myself up.  By myself.  You weren’t there for me, you weren’t part of it… you don’t get to walk back into my life now and say you miss me… say we’re magic.”

“I love you Rae…”  She heard the desperation in his voice and that only made her angrier.  How dare he?  She had finally told him everything she felt, and he couldn’t even take a moment to listen to her; he was too caught up in his own emotions… too caught up in himself to even have the decency to hear her for once.

“Fuck you!”  She spat angrily at him.  She grabbed her clothes and headed to the door.

“Rae don’t…”  She heard him following her.  “You’re not even dressed!”  She pulled her dress on over her head and shoved her underwear in her bag.

“I’ll get Archie to come get my suitcase, yeah?”  She said as she yanked his door open; there was no way she was hanging around to get Finn to unlock the car and get it out.  She slammed the door shut and fled.

15 minutes later she was sitting on the swings, crying her eyes out.  There was a time, a long time ago, when Finn had told her he couldn’t be friends with her while they were sitting on these swings. 

“Bowie.  End of an era.”  Rae said softly. 

“Earl!”  She heard someone call her name and looked up.  “I thought it were you!” 

It was Liam, striding across the grass in overalls towards her.  He was a little fatter in the stomach, but a lot happier if the way he was beaming at her was anything to go by. 

“Liam?”  Rae was amazed.  He held out his arms for a hug and she stood up and hugged him.

“What the fucking fuck are you doing fucking swingin’ around out here Earl?”

“I had a fight with Finn.”  Rae answered simply. 

“You still with the knuckle draggin’ loser.”  Liam asked, “I thought you’d o’ gotten rid o’ him long ago.”  He sat down and lit up a cigarette. 

“Why?’  Rae asked, curious. 

“Cos…”  He paused and gave Rae a look, “Well cos lads like him are always halfway between being mediocre, stuck-in-their-ways blokes, and rising to the challenge.  He didn’t look like he were rising.  He looked like he were settling.” 

“Lads like him?” 

“Alright… all lads.”  Liam admitted.  “I dunno why, but there’s this thing inside us that makes us wanna play it safe, and just settle.  Stay ordinary.  And then we meet a girl, who challenges us, who we fall in love with… and we either rise to the challenge or we lose her.”  He answered, “Or she’s got no self-esteem and she hangs around us even when we don’t deserve her and we win by default.”  He shrugged.  “Which I guess is how Finn won.”

“We’re not together anymore.”  Rae answered.

“Good for you.”  Liam answered.  “Wait… then why the fuck do you give a fuck if you fought?  Why are you even bothering to fight with him?”

“Excellent questions.”  Rae replied.  “What are you doing with yourself nowadays?”

“Steelworks by day, study by night.  Fiancé, accidental 3 month old.”  He pulled a face, “She was a real surprise.  ‘Will you marry me darling woman whom I adore?’  ‘Um… I’m pregnant.’”  He chuckled, “they’re both the light of me life.”  He answered contently. 

“We both made it huh?”  Rae said with a fond, happy smile. 

“Well I did Earl.  But you – you’re out here on a fucking swing crying over an argument with an ex-boyfriend.”

“I am an angry crier!”  Rae answered, “That’s different to crying.” 

“Alright.”  He answered with an amused tone.  “So what are you doing with yourself?”

“Don’t you listen to a fucking radio?’  Rae laughed. 

“Not if I can avoid it.  Fucking pop shite.”

“Not on my show.”  Rae declared.

“Oh…” He said delightedly, “Got yourself on radio huh?”  She nodded.  “What else you up to?”

“I live in London, I done a bit o’ travel, good friends, lots o’ sex, single at the moment, but I’m ok with that.”  She shrugged, “I’m happy.” 

“I’m glad.”

“What’s your daughter’s name?”

“Celeste.”  He answered and pulled his wallet out, “Here have a look.’  He pulled a photo out and passed it to her.  It showed a cute blonde woman holding a gorgeous sleeping baby.

“She’s so cute.”  Rae answered, “And your fiancé’s name?”

“Rachel.”  Liam answered and Rae felt a jarring sensation in the pit of her stomach, her mind flicking to Pierre momentarily.

“What?”

“Her name’s Rachel.”  He answered with an amused voice, “I know, I know, couldn’t get rid of the Rachels.”  He joked.

“That‘s Rae to you.”  Rae joked.  “What’s she like?”

“Mentally sound.”  Liam laughed.  “Cute.  Everything about her is cute.  There’s no angst or rage or anything like that in her.  She’s just one o’ those happy, bubbly people.”

‘Like Izzy.”  Rae said looking at the picture again.  “How’d you meet her?”

“She’s a steelworker like me.”  He answered.  “Tough as nails.  Do not give this woman any crap!”  Liam laughed, “She’s all of 4 foot 6, but men at the steelworks are terrified of her!”  He took the photo back and stared adoringly at the people in it.  “She’s a smiling assassin, my girl.  She’s sweet and kind and beautiful, but she don’t take crap from nobody.” 

“Then she’s perfect for you.”

“Oh yeah!”  Liam agreed.  “Anyway, I gotta head back to work.”  He stood up.  “Wanna catch up?  Come over and meet my family?”

“Yeah I’d like that.  And I’m here for a couple o’ weeks so…”

“You got a mobile?”

“Aye.” 

They exchanged numbers and Liam was on his way. 

Rae felt a warm glow as she watched him walk off.  She was glad he’d gotten better too.  For all of his flaws and how bad he’d made her feel about herself; he was the first man she’d ever had sex with.  He had also made her feel very good about herself for a lot of the time.  And she understood that the times he’d made her feel bad hadn’t been about her; they’d been about him.  He’d found solace in the fact that she hated her body because he hated his.  He was the one who hadn’t wanted to undress, and he had assumed she would feel the same.  He had thought he was no oil painting, and he had found comfort and bravery in thinking that she would feel the same way about herself.  When it had looked like she might not feel the same way about herself, he had desperately clung to her for that support, pulling her down, telling her she was no oil painting, just like him. 

Rae had learned that a lot of the time, when people had hurt her, it was always more about them than her. 

She was perfect the way she was.  And what others said to her or thought about her had no impact upon that fact. 

She wished she had known that when she had been a teenager.

But then, that was part of growing up for everyone.

She got up and headed towards Chloe’s house.

*

“You need to calm down now.”  Rae said softly to Chop who was pacing frantically in the hallway outside of the room while Izzy screamed and grunted in the room.  Chloe and Rae were taking it in shifts to be in there with her and Finn was waiting in the waiting room, running to get drinks and food when required.  Only Archie hadn’t been able to get the time off work, but he was expected to show up a little later.  Chloe was in with Izzy now and Finn was watching Rae calming Chop down.  Chop had been in with Izzy for most of the labour, but when the doctor had muttered something about a complication he’d started to lose his shit and Rae had gently escorted him from the room and sent Chloe in.

“If anything happens to my Iz, I’ll fucking…”  His words faded off, he didn’t know what he’d do without Izzy.

“She’ll be fine.”  Rae soothed.

“Why didn’t I just keep me dick to myself Raemundo?  Then we wouldn’t be in this fucked up fuck-up!” 

“I’m gonna go see if Archie’s coming.”  Finn escaped.  Rae didn’t look at him or comment but Chop waved him off. 

“Look Chop, pregnancy and labour are difficult times, but the vast majority of women in England get through it just fine.”

“But Izzy’s not the vast majority of women.”  Chop answered, “She’s my girl.”  Chop was beside himself with fear and worry.  “I haven’t told her how much I love her.”

“Yes you have.”  Rae soothed.  “What are you gonna name your child?”  Rae tried to take his mind of Izzy.

“Annalise if it’s a girl.”  He answered, “Reginald if it’s a boy.”

“Reginald?”  Rae asked surprised.  Reginald was a horrible name in Rae’s opinion. 

“After me boss at work.”  Chop answered.  “He’s been like a dad to me.  You know he’s really looked after me all these years, taught me well, helped me get outta trouble, so many times!  And he’s gonna pass the mechanic shop on to me when he retires.”  Rae thought that was a wonderful reason to name a child. 

“Well it’s only fair you give him your firstborn then.”  Rae quipped, hoping for Izzy’s sake that their child was a girl.

*

Rae looked down at the little baby boy now laying peacefully in her arms.  He’d been squirming a little earlier but now he was sleeping, his little hands in balls. 

For the first time in her life she felt a deep urge inside of her; almost a need, to have a child.  In the past, her want for children had been an abstract desire, something she would share with the man in her life, Pierre to be honest.  But now she wanted a baby, regardless of any man in her life.  She could quite happily have donor sperm and raise her little baby by herself.  She wondered if Jeff would donate some.  She stopped that train of thought and rolled her eyes at herself before focusing her attention back on Izzy and Chop’s baby.  He was just such a beautiful baby.  She held him and started lovingly at him as Chop fussed over Izzy, Chloe Archie and Danny all joked and grinned happily, but Finn was silent. 

They had hardly spoke since their argument.  Rae looked up at him and saw he was staring at her holding the baby, a deep ache in his eyes.  It was an ache she recognised; she’d seen Pierre look at her like that.  She felt a pang, an ache for him in return, but with it came with the anger that he was still such a foolish little boy.  But more than that she felt sorrow, because now she knew they would never be together again; Finn was just never going to change.  And it’s not like she needed a man to change to be with him, it was just that she had changed so much that she had outgrown Finn and she could never be with someone so emotionally and mentally immature.  She deserved the best.  And Finn wasn’t the best for her.  He would be the best for someone else. 

She looked around at her group of friends and it came as no surprise to her that Danny was the most mature of the boys; he had gone through so much therapy he had learned to build himself, just like  she had.  Archie, being gay had also had to define himself in the face of heteronormativity, so he was close behind Danny with maturity.  But Chop and Finn?  They’d both kind of fallen into who they where and what they were doing with their lives without ever consciously thinking about it.  They had followed the prescribed course set out to them by society.  Rae couldn’t be with someone who hadn’t made conscious decisions about who they were and where they were going in life.  She could love them.  But she couldn’t be with them because she had spent too much of her life asking those questions and becoming self-aware and self-determining to be with someone who wasn’t. 

She looked down at the little baby boy and knew he would be named Reginald by the end of the day. 

*

“It is good to see you Rachel.”  He kissed her cheek and they sat down together in the café.

“I had to see ya!”  Rae said with a grin, “Back from France for the week, I have to get in any chance I can.”  But the truth was, meeting little Reginald had set her into a spiral of deep desire for Pierre.  She had had that mostly under control, but now she wanted to get on with finding someone to spend her life with.  She had to know how his progress was, not because she was waiting for him; she wasn’t.  But because if he was ready, she was too.  “Lots o’ pretty girls in France?’  She asked.

“Many.”  He answered.

“I bet!  You’re such a slut.”  She teased and he laughed. 

The waiter came and they ordered food and settled in for a good chat.  Pierre was doing well in his studies; near the top of all of his classes, and he was considering becoming a surgeon.  Their food came and they began to eat.

“If you do not mind me saying Rachel, you seem a little less happy than the last time I saw you?’  He sounded concerned.

“I saw Finn, and we had an argument.”  Rae answered.

“Finn, the first man you loved.”  Pierre knew the story.

“I’d hardly call him a man.”  Rae answered, “He’s a little too immature for that word.” 

“He will get there in his own time.”  Pierre said gently.  “What was the argument about?”

“He still loves me.”  Rae answered with a slight shrug that didn’t convince Pierre of her indifference.  “But he doesn’t get to throw that at me after everything, you know?”  Rae said, “And I just don’t get why he can still get under me skin so easily.”

“Because you love him.”  Pierre answered.

“He doesn’t deserve my love.”  Rae answered.

“Everyone deserves love.”  Pierre answered, “Perhaps he does not deserve your time though?  But I am not the one to judge that.”

“I dunno.”  Rae sighed, “I wish I could just let him go, you know?”

“Love is not a button you can switch on and off and that works only for one light.”  Pierre took her hand, “As we both know.”  She nodded and looked down at her hand in his, “Love is a law unto itself.  It will never make sense or do what you want.  All you can do is be honest about it, and accept where it takes you.”

“D’you think love’ll take me to you?”  Rae looked up into his eyes.  “That we’ll have that future we both want?”

“I do hope so Rachel.”  He answered warmly, “And every day, it is getting closer.”  They shared a moment of feeling warm love, still as potent as it had ever been, for each other.  She reached over and stroked his cheek and he took her hand and kissed her palm. 

“So tell me all about your love affairs with this pretty French girls.”  She said and returned to eating her food. 

“Well… there has been a few girls.   But none that I love like you Rachel.”

“I haven’t had much luck finding someone I love like you either.”  Rae answered and they shared a moment of silence, both of them understanding that they were getting close, that maybe they actually would end up together. 

“Well I must say that it would be better if you could have your radio station stream online Rachel, so I could listen to you in France.”  His words changed the topic, but the look in his eyes was continuing the other conversation; the one about how much they loved each other.

“I’ll look into it.”  Rae answered both topics of conversation, her eyes never leaving his.

They had a long, deep, conversation, followed by long, deep love-making when she took him home.

They were getting better at saying goodbye to each other, because they were getting better at believing that their time was coming.  They knew they’d see each other again. 

Rae sat down after Pierre had left and started on her playlist for Monday.

“Are you gonna keep doing that for the rest of your life Rae?”  Jeff asked and Rae looked up at him. 

“Dunno.”  She answered.  She had spent a lot of time deciding which direction she wanted to go in life.  But she had also expected that she often had no control of the way things would turn out.  She just had to hope that love would point her in the right direction.

*

_Dear Raelicious_

_FINN IS TAKING ME TO AFRICA!!!!!_

_Yes I know, I’m all miserable over that fuckwit Simon._

_BUT AFRICA!!!!_

_For 3 fucking months!_

_We’re leaving the day after Reg’s first birthday party_

_We got this guided tour thing and it goes through South Africa, Lesotho, Swaziland, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Tanzania, Malawi, Rwanda, Uganda and Zambia._

_I’m so fucking excited that I’m nearly peeing myself as I write this._

_I had to quit my job, but oh well!  I’M GOING TO AFRICA!_

_Jealous?_

_Love you!_

_Uncle Archie_

*

_Dear Archibald Von Crompsten_

_Are you sure someone didn’t kidnap Finn and put a body double in his place?_

_I can’t believe it!_

_I am so fucking jealous, you jammy bastard!_

_Tell me everywhere you’re going in painful detail so I can live through you.  And you better take a billion photos._

_I still can’t believe it!  I want all the details this weekend when I see you at Reg’s birthday party._

_Love Rae_

_xo_

*

_Dear Rae_

_You’re right, it is out of character, and totally on the spur of the moment according to Archer.  And he was kinda different at Reg’s birthday party too…  But I do have to tell you that it comes right after I told him he was a fucking immature knob-head that didn’t deserve you…_

_Maybe that had something to do with it?_

_Babe are you and Jeff free next weekend, I wanna come and visit.  Missing you both like crazy, even though I just saw you (how fucking cute is REG??!)_

_Love Chloe_

_xo_

*

_Dear Chloe_

_HE’S SO FUCKING CUTE!!  Got all of Iz’s good looks! (Don’t tell Chop that!)_

_I can’t imagine why you telling him that would make him spend a shite-load of money on a massive trip.  Like he’s never wanted to travel afore, he’s always been a good ol’ Stamford kind of a guy.  I just doubt that being told he’s immature would make him suddenly open up to new experiences like this.  I dunno, maybe I’m wrong?  How hard on him were you?_

_We are most definitely free; we’re both always free for you Chlo._

_Love you loads and loads and loads._

_And missing you always_

_Rae_

_xo_

*

Rae kissed her passionately, her hands exploring bodies her mind a whir of thoughts; this was completely unexpected.  As soon as she stopped kissing her, he kissed Rae’s lips and she started to unbutton Rae’s blouse.

Rae wasn’t even sure how they ended up doing this.

She had been in her room when Chloe had arrived just after lunch time and dumped her bag in Rae’s room; they always shared Rae’s huge king size bed when she stayed here.  Rae had suggested movies in bed and Chloe had agreed and called through to Jeff to see if he wanted to join them.  The three of them sat snuggled up under the covers watching trashy horror movies and now this…

Rae pulled Jeff’s shirt off as he kissed her and Chloe pulled her shirt off straight after.

They started to laugh as they tried to figure out how to get Chloe’s dress off; it had ribbon ties all down the front.  She shook her head, laughing at them and pulled the dress off over her head.  Chloe wasn’t wearing a bra, and Jeff and Rae had the same thought at the same time – both of them claiming a breast and licking, sucking and biting her nipples until they were hard and sensitive.  But Chloe was more interested in getting their clothes off; she had been wanting this since their near drunken threesome when she’d last been here 2 months ago. 

After a whole lot of fumbling, laughing, kissing and getting tangled in clothes, everyone was finally naked. 

Rae wasn’t entirely sure what to do other than keep her mouth busy kissing.  She kissed Chloe, and then Jeff, and then Chloe and Chloe’s body, her pert breasts, her soft supple stomach, her firm round arse.

“Fuck you’re sexy Chlo.”  Rae declared as she pushed Chloe back kissed the inside of her thighs.  Chloe groaned, her and Jeff were kissing passionately, and Jeff’s hand was on the back of Rae’s head, gently stroking her hair while Rae teased Chloe’s pussy.

“Hmmm.”  Chloe sighed with frustration, “Do it!”  She commanded and Jeff laughed and started to kiss down her body while Rae continued to lick Chloe’s labia, skirting around her clitoris, teasing Chloe mercilessly.  “RAE!”  Chloe pleaded.  And then she groaned in pleasure as Jeff bit one of he nipples gently.  Chloe reached down and gently pulled on Rae’s hair trying to encourage her to lick her clitoris, but Rae only chuckled and continued teasing and Jeff moved on to Chloe’s other nipple. 

Chloe smelled like sex and power to Rae and licking her vagina was an incredible turn on.  She wanted to tease more, but she was too excited and finally let the tip of her tongue gently brush Chloe’s clitoris.  Chloe groaned and pressed the back of Rae’s head, her fingers tightening around Rae’s hair.  Rae got caught up in lapping at Chloe’s pussy, while Jeff kissed down Chloe’s body in wet, messy kisses.  When he got to Chloe’s pussy he and Rae kissed and she backed up to let him taste Chloe’s sex.  Rae kissed the inside of Chloe’s thighs again while Jeff, leaning in over Chloe’s stomach lapped at her cunt, his head upside down.  Rae slid a finger in Chloe’s pussy and Jeff also slid one in and they slipped around in a syncopated rhythm, Chloe’s moans seeping from her throat in time to their movements.

Rae motioned for Jeff to come to her and he crawled down the bed to Rae.  They kissed, Rae’s fingers tracing patterns on the inside of Chloe’s thighs. 

“Come on.”  Rae said softly and nodded to Chloe.  Rae moved out of his way and Jeff knelt between Chloe’s legs.  He made eye contact with her to make sure she was still into it and seeing her lustful, excited expression, he proceeded to slide his cock into her wet cunt. 

“Fuck…”  He sighed with pleasure and Chloe groaned in a similar tone.  Rae began to lick Chloe’s clit as Jeff thrust into her, grinding his hips and angling his cock slightly upwards to make sure he hit Chloe’s g-spot. 

Chloe came with loud, high pitched cries of pleasure.  Rae kissed up her stomach, her breasts, her neck, to her mouth.  Jeff watched them kissing, Rae’s hand exploring Chloe’s body as he fucked Chloe, his mouth open in desire and excitement and disbelief. 

“Lie down”  Chloe said softly but firmly to Rae and motioned for Jeff to stop.  As soon as he withdrew Chloe was on all fours, her head between Rae’s thighs.  Jeff didn’t need to be told what to do and happily slid back into Chloe from behind as Chloe started to lick Rae’s vagina, teasing her. 

“Chlo!”  Rae chuckled with frustration.

“Revenge is so sweet.”  Chloe answered and bit the inside of Rae’s thigh hard, making her yelp and then laugh.

“You’re gonna have to do the other side now.”  Rae told her, and Chloe obliged, biting her other thigh.  And then without warning she unexpectedly licked Rae’s clit hard making Rae jump and then groan.  Chloe was an aggressive pussy eater and Rae liked it; it was almost too hard, but the rhythm was perfect and her pussy was practically singing for Chloe. 

Chloe licked Rae for several minutes before she turned back to look at Jeff.

“Get up here.”  She told him and Jeff was more than happy to obey, plus he knew how Rae liked to be fingered during oral sex, he imagined she’d enjoy a penis during oral sex. 

Almost as soon as Jeff slid into her, Chloe’s tongue still on her clit, Rae felt the scintillating waves of pleasure and heat begin to rise like tidal waves through her whole body.  She tried to slow it down so she could ride it for as long as possible, and she managed to hold out for a few minutes before a huge orgasm rocked her whole body powerfully. 

“Oh fuck.”  Jeff groaned happily as Rae groaned and cried out in pleasure, her legs closing, but he was deep in her pussy, and her legs couldn’t close completely, meaning Chloe kept licking at Rae’s sensitive clit, making Rae swear and cry out; her orgasm prolonging past it’s normal length. 

“Harder!”  Chloe ordered Jeff and they both attacked Rae’s pussy, Jeff thrusting hard and fast, his cock angled up, Chloe’s tongue lapping at her clit expertly until Rae had a loud, squirting orgasm.  Chloe made a happy appreciative noise as the sweet nectar bathed her face, Jeff watching the action with a look halfway between disbelief and excitement. 

Chloe finally let Rae’s rest and, following Rae’s lead kissed up Rae’s body to her mouth. 

“You’re so beautiful Rae.”  Chloe said and looked down Rae’s body, her hand slipping down Rae’s stomach.  “I was jealous of how smart and funny y’are for so long that it took me way too long to realise that I should be jealous of how beautiful you are, both inside and out.”  She kissed Rae’s neck.

“You’re not jealous anymore are ya?”  Rae asked, “Cos you know you’re beautiful too right?”

“I know now.”  Chloe answered. 

“You’re both gorgeous.”  Jeff agreed, not missing a beat in his rhythm.  “I actually can’t believe this is happening!”  The girls laughed at him and he had to laugh too.  Chloe climbed on top of Rae and straddled her, kissing her lips passionately.  Jeff watched the girls kissing and exploring each other’s bodies and understood he was being given free reign here.  He slipped out of Rae’s pussy and into Chloe’s.  Chloe’s hand pushed down between the two girls and started to finger Rae, while she groaned in pleasure; Jeff had a nice cock and he seemed to know how to use it. 

Jeff switched between the two women several times, both of them having another orgasm, before Chloe slid off Rae and they both looked down at him.  Chloe motioned for him to come to them, her finger sinuously extending to him and curling in the familiar motion.  He lowered himself on top of Rae, his cock still buried deep inside of Rae and kissed Chloe’s lips.  But Chloe got up to her knees and ran her hand down Jeff’s back.

“Up.”  She said to him and Rae nodded in agreement.  Jeff got up and stood on the bed and was gifted with both women kneeling before him.

“Holy fuck.”  He whimpered and let his hands drop to both of their heads, tenderly stroking their hair as first Chloe and then Rae sucked his cock, taking it in turns between his cock and balls, Rae pressing into his perineum as she always did, making him groan loudly. 

“Not yet.”  He whispered to them; he didn’t want to cum yet.  He didn’t want it to be over.

“Don’t worry Jeff, we’re not done.”  Chloe said before she sucked his balls into her mouth.

“Not by a long shot.”  Rae agreed, “But you deserve one before we keep going, don’t ya think?” 

“Alright…”  He whimpered, hardly able to hold on any longer, “Alright.”

“Lie down.”  Rae said and Jeff almost collapsed onto the bed, and they kept sucking him to a gorgeous orgasm as he lay there watching them.  Chloe swallowed and he groaned as he watched her suck him dry. 

They lay together for a few minutes, cuddling up and panting happily. 

“I’ll get us a drink.”  Jeff said, “Just water?”  He asked and the girls agreed in unison. 

After 15 minutes of lazily talking and drawing patterns on each other Chloe again started kissing Rae.  Rae and Chloe pulled Jeff into the kiss and they messily kissed each other for several minutes before Chloe’s hands ran over Rae’s arse and she looked at Rae sinuously.

“Spread them beautiful thighs girl.  I wanna eat your cunt till me tongue goes numb and me jaw locks.”

It was late in the evening before they finally collapsed in a heap, barely having the energy to ring for a pizza to be delivered for a very late dinner. 

Jeff had managed to answer the door in his tracksuit pants before slipping them off and jumping back into bed with them naked.  They ate, drank and watched the rest of their horror movies, laughing, and jumping in fright occasionally. 

They were all so exhausted that it didn’t take them long to start dropping off into sleep. 

The room was dark, lit only by the flickering tv, and Chloe was breathing heavily beside Rae, obviously asleep.  Jeff was lying on his side on the other side of Chloe.  Rae looked over at him and saw he was looking down at Chloe with a very obvious look of adoration.  He looked up and saw Rae looking at him and his happy expression dropped slightly. 

“She’s very special.”  Rae said softly, wondering if these two were finally going to realise they had feelings for each other.  If Jeff could admit it out loud, maybe Chloe could too… if she were awake…

“Aye.”  Jeff said softly.  “All three of us are.”  Rae had to stop herself from tutting in frustration and just nodded.

They fell asleep, all three of them hugged up together happily. 

When the morning light woke them, Chloe was the first to get out of bed, she woke them up and dragged them to the shower, her and Rae chatting happily.  But Jeff was a little quieter, as if deep in thought.

“Wanna spend today in bed too?”  Chloe suggested with a grin and Rae gave her a sinuous look.

“I don’t see why not.”  Rae answered, “Lots of movies to watch, and we can chat just as well in bed…”  She reasoned.

“And you know… it’s comfortable if something were to happen.”  Chloe said innocently.

“Like falling asleep…”  Rae went along with the innocent act, but both women laughed dirtily. 

“You know, after I fucked a girl for the first time, I started wondering if we’d end up doing it.  Cos I knew it wouldn’t ruin our friendship.”  Chloe said, “I’m so glad we did.”  She pulled on Jeff’s hand as she said that, her eyes on Rae.

“Nothing’ll ever ruin our friendship.”  Rae answered and Chloe nodded.  ‘I mean if Finn couldn’t really come between us, nothing can.” 

“So we’re gonna fuck again, or do you two want me to go?”  Jeff asked.

“You’re staying.”  Rae said firmly. 

“Oh yeah!”  Chloe agreed.  “You’re way too fun.”

“Unless you wanna go?”  Rae asked, concerned; she had noticed his drop in mood.

“I really, really don’t wanna go.”  Jeff answered and Chloe pulled him into a kiss.  Rae watched them kissing and wondered if she should make an excuse to leave so they could have some alone time.  But Chloe, and then Jeff was kissing her.

They had sex again before they’d gotten any breakfast into them, not managing to make it back to the bedroom; the sofa getting a work out. 

They made breakfast together, and everything would have seemed alright; happy, breezy, carefree… except Jeff’s mood was becoming increasingly odd.  They had finished eating and were sitting on the lounge naked, starting to plan out the day, when Jeff suddenly stood up.

“I’m sorry… I can’t be here right now.”  Jeff told them.  Rae could see his anxiety starting to scratch and tickle through his body. 

“What’s wrong?”  Rae asked.

“Why?”  Chloe said at the same time. 

“You’re my best friend.”  He pointed at Rae, “And you’re my best friend’s best friend.”  He pointed at Chloe and paused, gulping in air, something obviously weighing heavily on him.  His eyes returned to Rae, “I’m sorry.”  He whispered miserably, “I really tried not to.”  He practically fled into his room.  Rae held her hands up to Chloe; she could see how worried Chloe was for Jeff.

“I’ll talk to him.”  Rae got up and followed him to his bedroom, closing the door behind them.

“What are ya going on about?”  Rae got straight to the point.

“I-”  He stared at Rae and Rae got the sudden fear that he was about to declare his love for her.  Rae had never considered that that might be an issue for them because they’d always just loved each other as friends.  But Rae knew the look of a man tortured by love, and the way he was staring at her was startling.  “I love you Rae.  So much.”  He said and Rae’s mouth opened and then closed; she was speechless, “But I love Chloe.  I’m sorry, I tried not to.. but I… I couldn’t stop myself.”  He confessed in a hurried, miserable voice.

“Oh.”  Rae was so relieved.  And then she was elated; she’d been right about how Jeff felt, and she was sure Chloe felt the same.  And then she felt confused.  “Why did you-?”

“I don’t wanna lose you Rae!”  He answered desperately, “And what if she doesn’t feel the same way?  You have to choose her.  And what if she does?  Then suddenly who’s your best friend visiting; me or you?  And what if-”

“Listen here you big Scottish bastard!”  Rae cut him short, “I am going to go for a morning walk.  I will be one hour, you understand?  And you’re gonna talk to her while I’m gone.  And I don’t mean about the fucking weather, got it?”  Rae said sternly. 

“Aye.”  He answered softly.

“You’re not gonna lose me Jeffrey.”  She continued in the same stern voice, “no matter what the outcome of the talk is, right?”

“What if it doesn’t work Rae?”  He asked softly, “What if I love her with all I am, and it doesn’t work, and I hurt her or my anxiety gets in the way… what then?”  He lit up a cigarette with shaking hands, “At some point you’re gonna be asked to take sides.”  He whispered.

“And I won’t.”  She lied; she’d always take Chloe’s side.  They both knew it.  “Look, if you steer clear of, you know, trying to fucking kill her or something like that, you should be right with not losing me.”  She tried to reassure him, “just don’t hurt her.”

“What if I do?”

“Don’t.”  Rae answered. 

“How do I make sure I never do?”

“Be who you are Jeff.”  She told him and took his trembling hand.  “And you’ll be the best man she’s ever known.”  He nodded slowly.  “And if you love her, she’s worth the risk of losing me.” 

“I always said I wouldn’t lose you for a relationship.”  Jeff said.

“You always said whoever you were with would have to love me as much as you do.”  Rae reminded him and he suddenly realised that that was exactly who Chloe was.  “Go.”  She told him, “I’ll get some clothes from me room and take off.  You two talk.” 

“I love you Rae.”  He pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tightly. 

“I know.”  She gasped through the tight hug.  “I love you too.” 

“If it goes well in there… I’m sorry that you’re gonna have to use ya hand.”  He echoed the words she’d said to him when her and Pierre had gotten together.  Rae laughed and pushed him towards the door. 

“Go!”  She ordered and he nodded, took a deep breath and opened the door.  Chloe was sitting on the lounge looking worried.  Rae slipped into her room and quickly got dressed.  Jeff was making Chloe tea when Rae excused herself, giving Chloe an encouraging smile. 

When she returned an hour later, they were in Jeff’s room and the door was closed.

Rae didn’t mind.  She knew she’d get plenty of time with Chloe later on in the weekend.  Right now they needed to talk, or fuck or do whatever they were doing.  And she could take the time to write.  She still wanted to be a published author one day.

*

_Dear Rae_

_Yeah I’ve seen every single photo._

_Millions and millions of photos.  I hope they make you look at every single one of them too!  You’ll probably like that though.  It looks like they had a great time over there, but I dunno why you’d wanna go.  I’d probably get eaten by a lion or something if I went.  I think I’m pretty bite-sized for lions._

_Things are alright.  I’m so exhausted though.  I honestly can’t remember what it feels like to be well-rested.  I’ve forgotten what sleep feels like even though Reg is sleeping through the night now.  But that just means for 5 or 6 hours straight.  And Chop’s talking about having another one already.  I said not until Reg is 3 will I even think about it… oh but that’s just long enough to keep the sleep deprivation going forever.  At least me tits are free of him though!  Breast feeding is not a bleeding delight like they say.  Me nipples got cracked and dry and the milk hurt and I got mastitis.  Mums who can do it till their kid is 2 are the toughest women on the planet Rae._

_But you don’t wanna hear about all of this._

_Unfortunately, I have literally nothing else to talk about right now!  Babies take over your life!_

_Tell me all the exciting things that are happening in your life; give me something to think about other than nappies and vomit._

_Love you_

_Izzy (and Chop, but he’s unconscious on the lounge.)_

*

_I have officially entered the bleeding twilight zone._

_Just when I was thinking of moving to London for study (and to get away from fucking Simon!), who should offer to be my roommate here?_

_Finn fucking Nelson._

_I have no idea what’s going on or who is wearing the skin of my best friend, but you were clearly right that he was abducted and someone took his place._

_I can’t even comprehend that Finn Garret Nelson is gonna be leaving Stamford, and then to add to it that he’s moving to London?_

_What is going on?!?!?!?_

_I mean Africa was so weird, cos he was Finn, but he was like, trying new things and stuff._

_Rae, I’m slightly scared._

_But also, it’s kinda cool too.  It’s nice to see him getting out of his comfort zone a bit, you know?_

_Anyway you’ll be seeing a whole lot more of me, and maybe even more of Finn._

_And I hear that Chloe’s thinking of moving there too?  I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with Jeff…_

_You’re gonna have so many boxes to help move!_

_Anyway, love you heaps Rae._

_Uncle Archie_

_xo_

_Ps, can I come down next week to look for flats?  Finn’s got work, so it’ll just be me.  Cheers – you’re a good sort._

*

_Rae!!_

_Archie can’t keep anything secret can he?_

_Yes, ok, I’m thinking of moving to London.  I need to see if I can get a transfer with work first.  That’s why I haven’t said anything to you.  Cos I know you won’t be able to keep it from Jeff, and I don’t want him getting his hopes up.  We’re not ‘officially dating’ yet, so I don’t wanna rush things you know?  I’m the one who said we should try doing a few dates before we start really going out, and I wanna stick to that Rae cos I’m so bad with men.  So bad.  I know Jeff’s a good guy.  I don’t wanna chuck him like I always chuck good guys, cos I really like him Rae, I really, really like him._

_I gotta do that being nice to myself thing you said.  Cos I know I’m chucking good guys and keeping bad ones as a kind of self-punishment.  It’s why I’ve just stopped dating and I’m just having lovers.  Cos fuck being cruel to myself, but I just don’t know how to do the right thing when it comes to men._

_I really don’t wanna fuck this thing up with Jeff._

_Ugh._

_Anyway, I’ll keep ya posted on the moving thing.  And I promise not to make everything about Jeff!_

_Love ya loads babe_

_Chlo_

_xo_

*

_Dear Chloe_

_Tell Jeff all of your fears._

_Trust me.  I know that lad.  Just talk to him about all of it._

_And if you can’t get a transfer quit.  You can live here till we figure it all out.  In my room obviously cos you and Jeff are taking it slow._

_Get your arse here girl!! I miss you!_

_Love you truckloads_

_Rae_

_xo_

*

_Dear Lady Raemundo Crumpet of Gaythornington House_

_DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH CHLOE AND JEFF?_

_The things that happen in London.  Fucking hell._

_Lunch tomorrow you’re telling me allllll about it you dirty slut.  And don’t worry – your secret’s safer with me than it was with Chloe.  She’s such a blabber mouth sometimes hahahaaa!_

_I have news that couldn’t wait until tomorrow – Finn officially has a girlfriend!_

_Remember that blond bird I told ya about last week?  Well they went out again last night and I saw them snogging on the front doorstep – like she was dropping him off (love the gender role reversal)_

_Anyway I felt like a dad asking his daughter what was going on – and he told me they are dating.  DATING!_

_Can you hear the people sing Rae?_

_Did you know, an angel gets it’s wings every time Finn dates a girl?_

_I haven’t been this excited about Finn’s love life in flipping years.  He hasn’t had a girlfriend since, well you!_

Rae paused in the middle of Archie’s email.  There was a strange, unexpected lump in her throat.

She wanted this happiness for Finn.

And she most certainly had moved on.

But it was still so strange to think of him with someone else.

And then that unbidden thought she hated so much crept into her mind: I wonder if she’s thin…

Rae had hated that she seemed to be the only fat girl Finn had been with for years.  But she’d gotten over that now.  Leandra would tell her that this was just an old habit raising it’s head and she just had to re-assert her new habits over the top of it. 

She reframed the thought – instead of wondering why she was the only fat girl Finn had been with, she felt bad for Finn having only ever been with one fat babe in his whole life.  She reminded herself that Finn had been lucky to have her. 

Rae took a deep breath and re-read the beginning of Archie’s email. 

“Bianca.”  She felt like there were worms squirming in her stomach, reminding her that she loved Finn.  Half of her was painfully reminded that there was never going to be a her and Finn again, and half of her was really happy for Finn. 

She took another deep breath, sat with her emotions quietly, peacefully, letting herself feel what she felt, without panic, without judgement.  She examined her thoughts and feelings and after a few minutes she overwhelmingly felt happy for Finn.  Because she still loved him, she wished him only the best and she genuinely hoped that Bianca and Finn would be happy together.

*

_Dear Rae_

_Still no word about the fucking job, I swear my boss is trying to kill my soul._

_Anyway, I asked about leave in November and it’s a go!_

_CHLOE AND RAE ARE GOING TO AUSTRALIA!!!_

_Tell me you’ve planned for us to spend at least a few days on Bondi??_

_I leave it all in your capable hands – I planned North Africa, you plan Australia._

_Sorry about telling Arch – I just couldn’t help it!  He was talking about this threesome he’d gotten into and then he was like ‘oh but you wouldn’t know about that’ – bloody jammy git, trying to show off, and I just couldn’t have it.  So I told him I had had a threesome… and then he wanted details and… yeah.  I shouldn’t’ve told him, but at least we know he won’t tell anyone else – it’s only us three that never seem to be able to keep secrets from each other.  I mean I don’t care if anyone knows – I’m really proud of it.  But if you or Jeff want privacy, I think we’re safe._

_Anyway, duty calls – I have to go to a meeting._

_Love ya to the moon and back_

_Chloe_

_xo_

*

Rae’s eyes were squeezed shut and she felt the prick in her nipple, and Chloe squeezed her hand tighter.  And then the other nipple pricked. 

“Ok, both piercing’s are done and the jewellery is in.”  She said with a beautiful smile. 

They were in Sydney and they were having fun, partying and having wonderful sex with strangers… well Rae was, Chloe was abstaining even though her and Jeff weren’t quite a thing yet…

It just seemed right to do something crazy.

Rae looked down at her exposed breasts.

“They look so sexy.”  Chloe whispered. 

“Oh they’re so nice.”  Rae looked at her new nipple rings. 

“Right, so here’s the care sheet detailing all the care instructions I told you about.”  The piercer gave Rae another huge smile, clearly a little flirty this time.  “And I have to let you go to Gary now.  He’ll be doing your tattoo.”

Rae and Chloe were both getting a picnic basket and handcuffs design on their ankles to remind them of their time in Morocco when they had taken a picnic to what they thought was a deserted bit of desert only to find it was actually an army base.  They were arrested and put in jail overnight.  They had been in the same cell and they had hugged each other and cried and made confessions to each other all night.  The next morning they’d been released with an apology.  They were getting the tattoo because after that they really felt like they could get through anything together.  They realised that they’d been getting through everything together since the beginning, but this was a bit of concrete evidence of their combined toughness.  They had talked each other trough all the terrifying things they had thought and felt, all night… they were both tough cookies. 

Rae was also getting a panther tattooed on her back and shoulder.  They symbolised strength. 

Chloe was getting her tongue pierced and that was all.  No other tattoos for her. 

They were hanging around in their hotel room having a few healing days before they continued on their journey inland to visit Alice Springs and Uluru. 

They were gonna do some shopping on these rest days too; Sydney had some great shops, especially on Oxford street which had several fetish and latex shops and loads of ‘gay’ merchandise.  They couldn’t wait to get a closer look.

But for now they were just resting; Rae with no shirt or bra on.

“Chlo, I just have to tell ya that I been sleeping with Jeff right up until that threesome…”  Rae said softly, “Not dating or nothing, and not regularly, just every now and then.”

“I know.  Jeff told me that you two still occasionally fucked.  You told me about you two fucking at uni...”  Chloe answered, “I don’t mind what happened before we were together, but after…”

“I get it.”  Rae answered, “Monogamy!”

“I dunno… an occasional threesome with you would be pretty welcome.”  Chloe answered, “But I don’t like the idea of him having sex with someone without me being there… is that weird?”

“Why are you asking that?”  Rae asked, “Only you and Jeff get to decide what’s weird and what’s normal in your relationship.”

“You’re right.”  Chloe answered.

“And I’m up for the occasional threesome.”  Rae gave her a dirty grin that made Chloe giggle. 

“You know I liked him for so long, but I never said anything cos I knew how close you both were.”

“He hesitated for the same reason.”  Rae noted.

“Yeah cos if something went wrong, we’d never want you to have to choose.”  Chloe explained. 

“I’d choose you.”  Rae said honestly.  “But I really, really, can not stress enough how much I do not want to have to make that choice.  Cos I do love Jeff too.  But it’s always gonna be you Chlo.”

“I know.”  Chloe said gratefully, “But I’m not gonna fuck it up this time Rae.”  She said in a determined voice, “So don’t worry, that choice is never gonna happen.”

*

_Dear Chloe_

_I miss Australia already.  I think I might move there – it’s so beautiful!_

Rae stopped writing and had to chuckle; the lie she’d told Finn about thinking of moving to Australia after having visited had just come true. 

She settled in to finish writing to Chloe with a huge grin on her face.

*

She had been sleeping with Jason for a few weeks when he suggested they should start dating.

Rae liked Jason.  He was the kind of guy she could easily fall in love with.

But for the past 7 years she’d been dating someone or sleeping with someone almost constantly and she was beginning to feel like she need some time just by herself. 

Rae decided to take some time to just be alone.  She wanted to re-acquaint herself with herself.

Jason didn’t really get it.  But Jason wasn’t really into making conscious decisions about himself and who he was like Rae was.  And that was ok; he was still a lovely guy.  A lovely guy who could find happiness elsewhere.

Rae settled in for a commitment to celibacy for 3 months and focused on fostering her career, her work relationships, her friendships, her family, and especially her writing.  She intended to do a lot of writing in all the time she was freeing up by having no sex.

And besides, she simply didn’t want to fall in love again.  At least not yet.

*

Rae ended her celibacy with a bang; another threesome with Jeff and Chloe.

She hadn’t finished her book; she’d found a billion other things to fill in the time.  She even had a bloody bonsai now because she’d picked up so many little hobbies. 

It seemed she was doomed to write this book glacially slow; inspiration came in fitful bursts of blinding light, interspersed with complete nothingness and a total inability to write a thing.

Celibacy had not given her any great insight.  It turned out she’d been doing all the important self-exploration and self-care even with the sex. 

She had learned a lot about masturbation though, and it had been nice to spend so much time self-loving like that. 

But celibacy had just made her hornier and apparently ten times more attractive to everyone.

The best part of the celibacy was that she survived it.  She stuck to doing the three months and had an immense sense of accomplishment at the end of it.  Even though it hadn’t been as hard as she thought it would be; she wasn’t as addicted to sex or human contact as she had thought she was.  She just really liked it. 

And she had ended up playing much more sexual music.  Quite a few listeners noticed. 

*

_To dearest, most darling RaeRae de buttonnoseson_

_I like Bianca a lot._

_Finn was late to their date and she showed up on the doorstep and gave him a lecture about how adults take responsibility for their actions and keep their word, even on small things like being on time.  She said she couldn’t trust someone that couldn’t keep their word and take responsibility for themselves and then told him she wasn’t interested in little boys._

_He followed her Rae.  Said he’d do better next time._

_I asked him about it after and he said he didn’t wanna go through his whole life making the same mistakes._

_I never told you that after you 2 broke up, I had a go at him for not fighting for you.  But now I’m thinking that it was always Finn that Finn was never fighting for.  And now he is.  And I’m so fucking happy about it!_

_I think Bianca’s gonna be so good for him.  She’s down to earth and no nonsense and she doesn’t take any shite, least of all his._

Archie had been sending almost daily updates about Finn’s relationship with Bianca. 

Rae read them curiously, interested in how Finn was with another girl.

*

“OK so the big bosses are wanting to give you a partner.”  Jeff said over their work lunch.

“They been talking about that for fucking years.”  Rae dismissed it, “It’s like they’re uncomfortable having a woman by herself.”

“One of the older codgers actually asked if they was leaving the station in the hands of a silly bint and a chink-man…”

“Oh god.”  Rae answered aghast.

“Aye.”  Jeff agreed, “This was something that he actually said out loud.”  He shook his head, “At least he’ll be retiring soon.”

“Clearly there is a god.”  Rae quipped.

“Aye.”  Jeff chuckled.  “But they’re serious now Rae.  They want you with a partner.  They said the drive time show needs some banter.”

“I banter!”  Rae answered indignantly.  “With myself…”  She admitted and sighed.  “Alright.”  She said glumly.  She’d enjoyed working alone, but even she had to admit that it was time for a partner. 

“Well they want someone who knows music, but more importantly can hold their own against you and your sense o’ humour lass.”

“Rhianna.”  Rae answered simply.

“They want a man.”

“Those fuckers.”  Rae shook her head.  “Fucking misogynistic, lousy, shit-eating-”

“Know anyone?’  Jeff cut in over the top of her tirade. 

“Oh I dunno!”  Rae exclaimed, exasperated.  And then out of nowhere mental lightening struck her.  “Finn.”  She said softly. 

“What?”  Jeff hadn’t heard what she’d said.

“I said Finn.”  Rae answered.

“Finn Nelson?”  Jeff was surprised, “As in your ex-boyfriend?”

“That’s the one.”  Rae answered.

“Aren’t you guys basically not talking cos you had an argument or something?”  Jeff reminded her, “Doesn’t he still love you?”

“He’s got a girlfriend now.”  Rae reassured him.  “I mean… you’re right; it might not be a good idea… but he knows music, not nearly as much as me… but he can hold his own against my sparkling wit.”  She told him.

“Aye, well, we’ll think about it and see what happens.”  Jeff agreed.  “And onto personal matters…”

“On a work lunch?”  Rae asked in mock scandal, “You naughty boy!”

“Oh yeah I’m a regular daredevil.”  Jeff answered.  “I’m gonna ask Chloe to marry me.”

“Woah.”  Rae’s face when from laughing to serious.

“We’ve known each other for years and we been dating for nearly a year and I’m so in love with her Rae… I don’t want anyone else.”

“Oh no, I know.”  Rae didn’t need him to explain, “I’m just used to you taking your time more.”

“It’s weird, but I feel like I really have taken me time lass.  I feel like I been waiting me whole life for Chloe.”

“You got a ring yet?”

“I got 3 picked out.  I was hoping you could give me some advice?”

“Of course!”  Rae answered eagerly.

*

_Dearest, loveliest Raestrudle von schnitzelface_

_Well I’m both stunned and completely unsurprised but whadayaknow Bianca and Finn are through._

_I had high hopes for this one and it was foolish of me Rae.  It’s his first relationship after you; of course it wasn’t gonna be the one.  Buuuuuuuut I am hoping he’ll get back into dating instead of using his bed as a glorified motel.  Except I’m pretty sure the girls don’t pay him to stay the night?  Maybe this is a lucrative business opportunity I’m missing here Rae?  Could you see me as a pimp?_

_Back to serious though, the fact that you two are silently refusing to see each other is starting to wear thin.  I honestly don’t know how you can both be living in London, and you be hanging around me all the time, and never see Finn!  How’d you do it – it’s a fucking talent.  You should’ve taught it me when I was trying to avoid Simon!_

Rae had stayed away while Finn was with Bianca to give him the best chance with her. 

She reasoned that if he was anything like her, his feelings hadn’t just disappeared because he was with someone else.  She figured she could probably talk to him now without risking him remembering his love for her in such a way as it would ruin what he had now.  She figured that he was probably finally over her, like she was over him.  As possible as it was to be over someone you deeply loved that is.  She figured he had probably finally come to terms with the fact that loving someone didn’t mean you got to be with them.  Sometimes it just didn’t work that way. 

Jeff had been working out the station finances for the past few months; figuring out how they were ever going to afford a new employee and getting the financial changes approved by the bosses.

He was going to talk to Finn at Reg’s second birthday which was in 6 weeks time and ask him to come in for an ‘audition’ to see if he worked well with Rae.

So Archie would be getting his wish soon enough: Rae and Finn would be talking again, and possibly working together in just a few weeks.

Rae felt a strange tingle tickle down her neck and spine.  She knew they were going to produce radio magic together. 

*

“Well he’s gonna be fun to work with.”  Jeff came back over to Rae, smelling like cigarette smoke and rubbing his jaw. 

“Why’s that?”  Rae asked.

“Fucker clocked me.”

“What why?”  Rae was outraged, and completely surprised.

“He thought I was cheating on you with Chloe.”  Rae’s anger stopped in its tracks turned into incredulity.  “So he thumped me one.” 

“This from the guy who snogged Katie fucking Springer.”  Rae shook her head. 

“Aye, well he saw me touching your hip and thought we was together.  And then outside I gave me lass a wee little peck, and he thought…”  Jeff shook his head, “Fucker’s protective of ya lass.” 

“So are you.”  Rae shot back.

“Aye well I’m your best friend so I’m allowed to be.”  Jeff retorted.

“We was close.  But Archer says he’s over me… so… we gotta trust it’ll be alright cos he’s gonna be great at this job.”

“I always trust you Rae.”  Jeff said, “I don’t know if I trust him yet.”

“He’ll be fine.”  Rae reassured him.

“Hey guys, Reg wants to say goodnight to everyone.”  Izzy interrupted them.  But neither of them minded getting hugs from the beautiful 2 year old.

“Happy second birthday munchkin.”  Rae had wished him happy birthday dozens of times today; he’d had the whole day to celebrate.  It was a thing Chop and Izzy had decided to do; whole day birthday celebrations with all of their family and friends.

“Goodnight ya wee little cutie.”  Jeff said and Reg hugged him tightly.

“I’ve never seen him like someone he only just met so much.”  Izzy marvelled.

“Well kids are like dogs, ya know,” Rae answered, “You can trust the people they trust.”

“Then I can’t trust Chop when he comes home dirty from work cos Reg won’t have a bar of him then.”  Izzy answered sceptically.

“Yeah fair enough though.”  Rae retorted and Izzy laughed.  “I wouldn’t trust him when he’s covered in fucking grease all through me house!”

“Language.”  Izzy gently reminded Rae, “he’s repeating everything he hears.” 

“Oh shit sorry.”  Rae said and then rolled her eyes at herself while Izzy shook her head and Jeff laughed.  “You’d think I hadn’t been through all o’ this with Jazz already with the way my mouth carries on.”  

“It’s alright.”  Izzy told her, knowing that Rae tried.  She pried a stroppy Reg off Jeff and took him around to say goodnight to everyone else. 

“You’re gonna be a great dad.”  Rae told Jeff.

“I know!”  He answered happily, “In a couple o’ years time.”

“Hey you two, what are you secretly planning over here?”  Chloe came over to them, all smiles. 

“Just your reproductive future.”  Rae answered and Chloe laughed, her hand going to Jeff’s face, the ring on her finger catching the light.  That ring on her finger had only been on there for a week and Chloe kept looking at it and breaking out into a huge smile.  Every time Rae saw that it made her heart burst with happiness; her two best friends were in love with each other.  Now she just had to fix Archie up with someone.  She looked over at Archie, who was chatting with Chop and saw Finn behind him, talking to a very attractive blonde women; Rae knew her name was Helen, she was a single mum that Izzy was close to.

Rae suddenly noticed how nice Finn’s haircut was; he’d probably actually gone to a barber rather than hacked at it himself.  And it looked like he had some clothes on that weren’t from the late 90s.  He really was moving on.  She was glad for him.  She hadn’t realised how unhappy she had been that he wasn’t moving on until now when she saw that he was.  He was smiling, looking confident and at ease.  Rae felt a calmness overcome her; she was so glad that all of her friends were doing well at the moment.  And she counted Finn as one of her closest friends, despite everything that had happened between them these past few years.

“In a few years time.”  Chloe said, looking lovingly up at Jeff.

“Aye lass.”  He answered, returning the same loving stare. 

“Well I know when I’m the third wheel!”  Rae laughed, “I’m gonna-”

“No!”  They both said and turned to her.  Rae loved how concerned they both were that she would never feel left out.  Her best friends were good to her.

“I’m gonna go to the toilet.”  She said, “But by all means, come with me if you need to.”  she grinned at them.

*

_Well I’m fucking pregnant again._

_I told that bastard not until Reg were 3, but here I am – up the fucking duff._

_I swear to fucking god he did it deliberately.  He tells me he can’t control fucking birth control pills.  But I know the fucking truth._

Rae sat in her room laughing at Izzy’s angry, ranting email that had just popped into her inbox.  She saw another email pop in and opened it up – it was from Archie.

_Pure fucking gold.  Fuck I love it when Izzy’s pissed off._

Rae started laughing again.  In a few days time Izzy would settle down and decide what she as going to do about the pregnancy.  But everyone knew she’d keep it and love it.  It was Izzy.

*

_Dear Pierre_

_Holy shit!  Third day in and you’re already becoming a yank!  I can’t believe you’ll be over there for a whole year!  I’m very jealous – all the places you’re going to study.  My bloody degree kept me in bloody Bristol the whole time!  Although I can’t really complain about that; I did get to meet you there._

_Speaking of travel… or rather being overseas…_

Rae stopped typing and stared at the screen for a long time.

She didn’t know how to tell him.  She didn’t know how to tell any of them. 

She’d said it in passing, sounding like a joke, to Chloe.

But it wasn’t a joke.  She really actually, wanted to move to Australia.  She’d already put some forms in last year when they’d gotten back from Australia.  And now she was at a stage where she had to decide to either commit to the process of immigrating, which could take anywhere from a year to several years… or give up and stay in England. 

She had been sitting with the choice for a week now, letting it really stew.  But the truth was, she didn’t need to sit with it.  She knew what she wanted to do.

She put her fingers back on the keyboard.

_I’m gonna move to Australia._

She wanted to tell Pierre first, because of all of her friends, it was him it would effect the most.  Both of them still had hope that love would guide them back together at the right moment, when they were both ready and single.  Rae hadn’t been waiting for Pierre, but she still had that wish in the back of her mind.  Chloe had suggested it was why she hadn’t let herself fall in love with Jason.  Rae knew that was part of the reason but not all of it. 

Part of her felt that if she were to be with someone other than Pierre, it would have to be some sort of extraordinary love; the kind of love you couldn’t just decide to not let yourself have, like she had with Jason.  In fact all of her felt that.  She was open to falling in love again, she was open to being with someone else; she didn’t want to spend her life alone waiting for Pierre.  But if she was going to be with someone, he had to be someone extraordinary.  Someone she couldn’t help but love.  Just like Pierre or Finn.  She didn’t think that the love she would have had with Jason was lesser or unimportant or that it couldn’t have made her happy… she just wanted something more powerful.  And she knew that existed.  She’d already had it twice.  She would accept nothing less than that kind of love for her life partner.  She didn’t think it was a once in a lifetime, ‘the one’, type of thing, but she did understand that powerful, undeniable love was a little rarer than other types of love.  But she was patient.  She’d enjoy herself along the way, but she wouldn’t settle down with someone that she didn’t have that powerful, undeniable… forever… type of love with. 

 _Now from what I understand, they do have the internet there, so we should be able to keep emailing._  

Rae read her joke but knew it was masking her true concern; they wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore.  Pierre was in America now.  But he’d be back.  She wasn’t coming back from Australia, other than for visits.  Assuming she got permission to move there of course. 

_And you know, we can try out Skype.  I hear it’s pretty good._

Rae felt a pang in her chest.  This was going to be far harder than she thought.  But she knew she had to do it.  When she had been in Australia she had felt like it was home; it was where she belonged. 

_And you can visit.  I bet you’ll like it there… and I’ll be back to England as often as possible; I’m planning for once a year, but we’ll see how I go.  It’s fucking long plane trip.  And they might not even let me in the country yet – they don’t know how mental I am!!  And if they find out, there’s no way they’ll want me about!!!!_

_Whatever happens Pierre, we’ll always be in contact.  Always._

*

“Don’t touch that.”  Rae slapped his hand away from the sound board and ignored his unimpressed look.  She watched his hand creep up towards another knob.  “Don’t touch that either.”  Another slap.  She kept an ear on the song playing and an eye on him staring at all the dials and knobs curiously.  He started to raise his hand again and she slapped it before he’d even gotten close to the panel, “Also that.”

“Is there anything I can touch?”  Finn asked grumpily.

“Aye, your own dick.”  Rae retorted.  “When you finished all the orientation on how to use it, then I might let ya touch it.” 

Rae massaged her shoulders; she was sore from helping Jeff move out on the weekend; he and Chloe had moved in together, only a 10 minute walk away.  The apartment had felt empty on Saturday night after the move.  But they’d been back yesterday, Sunday, and they’d accidentally had another threesome.  And here she was on Monday morning of her third week of working with Finn, playing ‘Drive Slow’ by Kanye West because she knew how much Finn hated rap.  In fact she’d included a lot of rap in the playlist today; she quite liked rap, and she enjoyed teasing Finn, who took it well.

Working with him had been fun so far.  They never talked about anything but work, but that was for the best; it suited the relationship they had now.  They were close work colleagues Rae supposed.  She didn’t really see him outside of work, but she supposed they might have a work lunch occasionally.  Sometime in the future.  And that was all ok; everything felt right between them now.  The anger of the past was forgotten, they were ok.  And Rae was glad. 

The song finished and they signed off for the day, passing on to the next shows host.

“Alright, well d’you wanna head down to archives and pull CDs for tomorrow instead of coming in early?”  Finn asked and Rae sighed.

“Yeah it’s probably the smart thing to do.”  She said, “Which is odd, cos you normally suggest the more inconvenient and less useful things to do.”  Rae teased.

“Well even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”  He took her teasing with grace, “But I hear your ratings are up…?”  He answered with a cocky grin, “Our should I say… our ratings.  Wonder why that is…?”  Rae shook her head and got up, Finn following her from the studio.

“Don’t get too cocky ya bastard!”  Rae laughed and they headed towards the elevator to the archives.

“Finn!”  Jeff called across the office to them.  Finn turned to look at him and he motioned for Finn to come over to him.  Finn turned back to Rae and grimaced.

“I think I’m in trouble.”  He said, “I’ll meet ya down there.” 

“Good luck.”  Rae said in a light tone.  She already knew that Jeff was about to tell him that his preliminary trial period was finishing up a week early; they wanted to hire him full time, permanent. 

She headed down to the archives on the rickety elevator, checking her phone as the slow lift put snails to shame in its quest to put her to sleep before she got to her destination. 

Twenty minutes later Rae was sitting on one of the stools, a basket of CDs at her feet as she made some adjustments to the playlist.  She didn’t get to play as many songs anymore because she had to have more time for banter, and she wanted make sure every song counted.  And Finn was still catching up with contemporary music.  But he was doing well, very obviously determined to catch up with her and get back into a competition with her. 

“You gotta put up with me forever Rae!”  Finn declared as he came around the corner.

“Aye I know; they asked me before making you the offer.”  She gave him a cocky look that dissolved into a grin.  “Congratulations.”

“I’m so fucking happy.”  He said as Rae handed him the playlist.  After a few suggestions and discussions about the changes they settled into silence, sorting through the CDs.  They would have to talk about what topics they’d be talking about as well, but they’d do that tomorrow morning.  Rae was going to miss coming down to these archives. 

“We should play some Bowie.”  Rae said softly.

“He’s not on the list for today.”  Finn answered, as he crossed something off the list.  “It’s gonna be sad when they get all these old albums onto the computer system.”  He lamented.  The station had just announced it was ‘going digital’ and that all their archive and music would be put onto computer over the next few years.

“That’s why we should play Bowie.  He’s always good for marking the end of an era.”  Rae lied.  She seemed to be always lying to Finn; she didn’t want to tell him that really she had been thinking about leaving her job, leaving the country and going to Australia.  She’d miss parts of this life, but she was excited for the move, even though it would still be some time before she knew for sure if she could move.  She wasn’t going to tell anyone about the move until she had the final say that she could go.  She just didn’t want months, probably years of people being sad and saying ‘this is the last time you’ll be here’ or ‘the last time you’ll do this’ or the worst one: ‘this is the last time I’ll see you.’

“Yeah I know, I played the hell outta him after…”  But Finn stopped.  She knew how that sentence was going to end and she looked away.  She wasn’t in the mood for talking about their relationship, their break up, the sex, the distance, any of it.  “Listen Rae-”

“Finn…”  She said with a weary tone.

“I wanna apologise for being a monumental knob-head for the past… fucking decade… Like since the first day we met really.”  He said.

“You haven’t been knob-head since the day we met.”  She shook her head.

“No you’re right, I was one before that too.”  He answered, surprising Rae, “I been selfish, and inconsiderate and lazy.  But I understand now.  I get why we didn’t just get back together after you finished uni… which is what I was hoping for.”  Rae was even more surprised by that admission, and she respected him for saying it; it took guts to say that kind of thing out loud.  “I just want you to know, that I don’t pine after ya anymore.  Like… I do miss our friendship.  And I will always love you.  But I am finally over ya girl.”  He took the Bowie CD out of Rae’s hand and put it in the basket of discs they were going to play songs from.  “End of an era.”  He said softly.  Rae felt strange; she didn’t know how to feel.  How should someone feel when they’re told something like that?  She was glad for him that he had finally gotten over her; maybe now he could be happy.  But for some reason there was also a sense of sadness and loss.  But she knew it was all tied in with her decision to move to Australia; everything seemed more far away from her now. 

“I miss our friendship too.”  Rae answered honestly.  “Only cos it’s so cute when you think ya know more about music than me.”  She teased, happy to see the smile it gave him.  “Friends?”

“Aye.”

“Well I s’pose I better finally see ya place then.”  Rae said, “Archer’s been on at me to visit it since you got to London… but I never did cos…”  She paused and then shrugged.

“Aye I know.”  He answered.  “He’s cooking dinner for Ray tonight.  He always cooks way too much and it’s always real good.  Wanna come?”

“Ah my old friend Ray.”  Rae grinned and Finn rolled his eyes.  “I like that chap, good name.”

“Ya coming or not girl?”

“Alright I’ll come!”  She laughed.

*

“It’s so good to see you!”  Miranda kissed Rae’s cheek and they sat down.  It was a trendy café with huge plush seats and it served the best chocolatey drinks.  “It’s been too long!” 

“I know!”  Rae agreed.  It had been three months since she and Miranda had seen each other.  And 5 months since she’d seen Louis.  This was a much needed catch up.  “Have you seen Louis lately?  He’s a shitty emailer!”

“I know!”  Miranda laughed, “Short factual emails.  Nothing else.  That’s Louis for ya.”   The exact opposite of his brother.  “Yeah I saw him two days ago.”  Miranda said with a small smile.  “Rae… he stated talking about relationships.”  Rae’s mouth opened in delight; Louis had told her he couldn’t talk about that with Miranda because he loved her and he wasn’t ready.

“What’d he say?”

“Just that he hadn’t let himself get into a relationship cos he wasn’t ready.”  Miranda said, “Then he said he felt like he was getting close to being ready.” 

“Close…?” Rae pursed her lips.

“Then he said he just wanted a little longer to be sure, to make sure he didn’t make any mistakes.  He said he wanted to be wise enough to learn from other’s mistakes.”  Miranda said.  “And he kissed me.”

“Holy shit!”  Rae said loudly, people in the café turning to give her a dirty look.  But she didn’t notice, her eyes were glues to Miranda’s beaming face.

“And then he apologised and said he should have kept himself under control…”  Miranda said and then chuckled.  Rae knew that Louis would have been mortified by that kiss; it wasn’t his nature to do things like that.  “He didn’t declare his love, he didn’t ask me to wait… he talked as if he was just telling a friend these things.  But I knew he was testing the waters.  He was seeing if I was still single, if I was interested.”

“And are you?”

“Well I didn’t convert to Catholicism for nothing.”  Miranda answered with a laugh.  “I know you said not to wait… and in some ways I didn’t… I been in relationships and all that… but… but in my heart…”

“You were always waiting for him.  I know.”  Rae answered.  She understood that completely.

“But I gave myself every chance to fall in love with someone else…. It just never happened.”  Miranda said, “And now…”  She grinned happily and Rae grinned with her, genuinely happy for them, “Now he’s so close, and maybe… maybe it’s gonna happen finally.”

“I do hope so.”

*

“I never thought I’d see you eating pho ga.”  Rae marvelled, watching him throwing on the condiments with wild abandon and knowing he’d regret that; he was putting a lot of chilli in it. 

“What’s that?”

“Vietnamese chicken noodle soup.”  Rae laughed at him, nodding at the food he was eating. 

“Aye well, people can change.”  He shrugged and stuffed his mouth full of the delicious concoction. 

“I thought it’d be too spicy for ya.”  She teased as his face started to get a little red.  She watched him swallow and he coughed slightly.

“Aye, I might ‘ave put a few chillis on it.”  He said happily.  “But it’s best like that.”  He took another mouthful and Rae laughed.

“You’ve never had pho ga before have you?”  She was delighted by his open exploration; he was usually very reserved with food; conservative when it came to all types of new things. 

“Nope.”  He admitted and then Rae was struck speechless by a stunningly beautiful smile from him, “But there’s a first time for everything right?”  He asked, “And it’s tastes good!”  He took another huge mouthful and Rae watched him chew it down.  “Even if I did make it almost too spicy!”  He laughed, “I think me eyes are watering!”  Rae broke out into laughter and started to eat her own pho.

*

Rae had nearly been late to their week daily breakfast ‘date’ of pho ga before work.  It had become quite a habit over the months to start their work day together with breakfast.  They’d talk shit and music and sometimes even personal things, always laughing and joking.  Finn almost always put too much chilli on his pho, and Rae almost always laughed at him for it.  But she had been excitedly googling apartments in Australia all night and part of the morning, and not properly keeping track of the time. 

But now she was sitting in their little Vietnamese restaurant with him, already laughing at him as he poured the chillies in.

“I’m so excited to have 2 weeks off work.”  She said as she scooped some chilli into her soup too, “I love that job, but I’m so keen to go to Dahab with Archer.”  Archie had organised for them all to head to a laid back Egyptian beach town on the Sinai Peninsula for 10 days.  Gang members and their partners only.  Then Rae was heading to Tunisia to visit her mum for another 4 days before heading back to work.

“Yeah same.”  Finn said.  “Did Chlo and Jeff decide to come?” 

“Yep.”  Rae answered.  “But Chop and Iz are out, and Danny hasn’t gotten back to us yet; he can’t decide whether to invite Julian or not.”  Rae shrugged.  Rae wondered if Finn was bringing someone, but she didn’t ask him.  It felt somehow too personal to ask him if he was seeing anyone at the moment. 

“If he hasn’t told us yet, he’s probably not gonna make it.”  Finn said with a frown.

“Right lad, we gotta head into work.  Last day before the holidays.”  She gave an excited grin and got up, putting her bowl of pho in the bag the restaurant had provided for them.  They quite often got their pho to go, only eating in the restaurant about half of the time. 

They walked to the studio at a brisk pace; they didn’t want to be late on their last day before holidays. 

“You two!”  Jeff said as they walked in the door, “Clean out ya fucking desks afore you go on holidays, ya got ‘alf the fucking inventory up here!”  Rae and Finn shared a guilty grin.

“Right you are boss!”  Finn answered.

“Aye sorry Jeffrey!”  Rae said in a sweet tone dripping with sarcasm.  Jeff waved them off and they headed to their desks, cleaning them off, eventually needing to get the old shopping trolley they sometimes used to move large amounts of inventory around. 

“We’ll have to come back for the rest.”  Finn declared as they headed for the elevator and Rae laughed; she loved this job, and she loved how much he loved it too.

“Twice.”  Rae answered then looked over her shoulder at their desks.  “Maybe more like three times.”  They pushed the trolley in the tiny elevator and squeezed in behind it, Finn pressing the down button.  “I hate this fucking thing.”  Rae murmured.

“Yeah it’s fucking slow.”

“Glacially slow.”  Rae agreed with him, “And I’m always sure it’s gonna break down and leave me fucking stranded…”  It was one of the few thoughts that could still trigger Rae’s anxiety if she dwelled on it.

“And the jolt it does when it finally gets going…”  Finn said, “Makes me think it’s gonna plunge us to our fucking deaths!” 

They stood in silence for a moment as they waited for the doors to close; Rae taking her mind off the thought of getting trapped in the lift or plunging to her death by filling her mind with thoughts of the holiday they were heading off to tomorrow.

“Hey!”  Alice called across the office to them, “Hold the chuffing doors.”  Rae noticed that Finn didn’t make an effort to stop the doors; she realised that he’d been here long enough to know the exact amount of time it took for the doors to close now.  Alice was still new here so she still wasn’t accustomed to the idiosyncrasies of the lift.  She was a pretty girl, who often wore pink tweed skirts and white blouses with a pert ponytail and a bright, genuine smile.  She squeezed into the lift next to Rae, pushing Rae closer to Finn; the trolley taking up most of the space in the small lift.  Rae noticed she only had 2 CDs and was about to offer to take them down for Alice, but the doors were finally closing.

“Just the first floor for me.”  Alice told Finn and he nodded and pressed the button.  When he moved, Rae looked at him to see if he had enough room to manoeuvre himself to get the button.  She was so close she could see the hairs above the nape of Finn’s neck move when she exhaled.  He turned back to stare straight ahead, past Rae and Alice, his back to the wall, his body angled perpendicular to Rae’s.  Rae stood staring at the doors as Alice spoke.

“Go’ you guys ‘ave got a few albums!”  Alice joked.  Rae recognised that nervousness in her tone of voice; the poor girl was anxious.  Rae made a mental note to get to know her better when she got back from her holidays.  “I thought we was only allowed to have enough CDs for our show out of the archives at any given time…”  She said, looking at their trolley.  Rae and Finn shared a look as Alice continued to chat; they never stuck to that rule.  Ever.  “But I s’pose if you’re the best rated show at the station you can afford to break the rules a bit.”  The lift jolted violently and Alice squealed.  Rae’s heart jumped at the unexpected squeal.  But then Alice also unexpectedly bumped into Rae, putting Rae off balance and making her bump into Finn.  She hadn’t been this physically close to Finn since they’d last had sex, and Rae was reminded, vividly, of the way they fucked by the way he smelled, the heat coming off him, the sheer physical closeness of him right now.  “Bloody hell.”  Alice exclaimed as Rae turned her eyes to Finn and saw how unaffected by their closeness Finn was.  It was in that moment that Rae knew he was finally over her.  And she was ok with that.  It meant they might be able to become casual lovers; which she wouldn’t mind at all.  It meant that they really could be friends now.  “This whole building’s gonna collapse around us innit?”  Rae heard Alice’s anxiousness as she straightened up, breathing in his closeness, thinking about how nice he felt when they were physically intimate, thinking that maybe it might happen again in the future now that their past was finally dealt with and over.  Her eyes met Finn’s for a moment and Rae thought that he might just be thinking the same thing. 

“Nah it’s fine Alice.”  Rae said, remembering that she should be professional with Finn; she worked with him.  She felt bad for using Alice as a reason to look away from Finn.  But the girl did need comforting; so Rae tried to throw herself into that instead of noticing how close he was, “she’s just an old girl with her own little bumps and bruises.”  She soothed. 

They stood in silence feeling the rickety lift slowly doing it’s thing.  Rae noting that she hadn’t pulled back from Finn and that her arm was still pressed against his chest.  It hadn’t been deliberate but Rae got the subconscious message she was sending herself; Finn was still hot as hell.  But not even just sex could happen between them now, even though their past was finally in the past.  They worked together now and after having a disastrous affair when she had first stared at the station, Rae had decided to never have sex with someone from work again.

“You got anything exciting happening while you’re on holidays?”  Alice asked cheerily.

“Heading to a beach.”  Rae answered thinking about sitting on the beach at Dahab in her sexy bikini, “Plus I think I’m gonna be made to look at some ancient buildings again.”  She sighed, “I already seen ‘em but one of me mates who’s right into history hasn’t, so…”  She shrugged; she wouldn’t really mind clambering around the pyramids again.  Especially since Archie would no doubt be super enthusiastic and excited.  Finn broke out into a grin and nodded.

“Sounds like Archer.”  He agreed.

“Don’t sound so happy, you know he’s gonna make you scramble around in the fucking desert for fucking hours too.”  Rae shot at him, knowing Finn would enjoy it less.  He groaned in reply.

“Oh so you two are going together?”  Alice asked, with the hint of gossip in her undertone.

“Yeah it’s a bunch of friends going.”  Rae answered. 

“Oh I’d heard all the rumours that you two was going out.  But I didn’t believe ‘em cos you’re always so professional, even though there’s so much chemistry between y-”

“We’re not going out.”  Rae was surprised by how harshly Finn snapped those words.  She understood that he didn’t want the people he worked with thinking he only got his job because he was sleeping with Rae, but even so, his tone had been quite harsh. 

“Nope.” But Rae backed him up so that any rumours would die, and Finn could forge his own career without being in the shadow of her and rumours of their relationship. 

“Ok.”  Alice answered like she clearly didn’t believe them, but that she’d keep their secret.

“Really.”  Rae answered firmly.  Rae silently took a deep breath and tried to ignore the fact that her hormones were urging her to enjoy the sexual delights of Finn Nelson once again.

When the lift jolted again, and Alice squealed and bumped into Rae again, Rae thrust her hand out to stop herself from practically falling on Finn.  And the back of her hand went directly onto his groin, his hard cock obvious, even through his jeans.  Rae felt heat erupt in her pussy; there was no denying she as attracted to Finn as she had ever been.  She could never deny that.  But she could deny herself the pleasure of fucking him again.  It wasn’t fair to him to fuck him again when he’d finally moved on.  And they worked together.  She would maintain her professionalism; she had worked hard at gaining an excellent reputation in her career.  But  when their eyes met, Rae found it very hard to not simply kiss him passionately.  She lowered her eyes and sucked her lip, trying to get her desire under control.  Finn cleared his throat and Rae focussed on putting cold water on the fire in her belly. 

“Sorry!”  Alice was saying, but Rae couldn’t look up just yet to acknowledge her.  “Go’ these doors take forever to open.”  Alice said, “I always forget how slow this lift is.”  Rae closed her eyes, but that only filled her mind with images of the way Finn looked when they fucked.  “Prob’ly cos I only been here 2 weeks!”  She answered herself with a laugh.

“Yep.”  Rae tried to be polite and answer poor Alice.  She cleared her throat; starting to finally get her desire under control.  The doors opened on the first floor of the archives and Alice gave them an awkward wave.

“Well this is me!”  She said and got out.  Rae tried to mumble a goodbye but she just ended up standing there in silence, rooted to the spot, desperately trying to get herself under control.  She thought it must be painfully obvious to Finn how much she was thinking about fucking him in the lift.

They watched her go; they were going to the lower floor of the archives first, so it left just them in the lift alone. 

Rae couldn’t move.  She knew she should shift away from him, give the poor lad some space… But she couldn’t move.  She had to give all of her focus to putting out this inferno in her body. 

She thought she could almost feel the rhythm of sex in the lift, as if one of them, or both of them were gently moving their hips, but she was sure she was still, and she couldn’t see Finn moving.  She must just be imaging it; she had sex on the mind right now. 

She cleared her throat. 

The lift jolted again and started to creep slowly down a floor. 

Finn cleared his throat

Rae took a very deep, calming breath.  She thought she’d finally gotten herself under control.

“I’m sorry that I uh…”  Rae started to apologise for bumping into him and touching his cock by accident.

“No.  Not your fault.”  She didn’t look up at him as he spoke; that would just start up the fire in her groin again.  “You know that thing happens to guys all the time… no particular reason.”  Rae couldn’t believe he was actually talking about his erect penis right now.  What was he thinking?

“Yeah I know.”  She answered, keeping her eyes straight ahead.  “Lived with one of me ex-boyfriends for a bit…”  That wasn’t entirely true; Jeff wasn’t an ex-boyfriend, but it was far easier to explain him that way than to try and explain what they were and why they had hung around naked together in their apartment together, even though they weren’t together, “it was always up and down for no reason… like the wind’d change direction or something and,”  she made a noise to indicate an erecting penis.  “Don’t mean nothing.”  She wished she could stop thinking about Finn’s erect penis. 

“Aye.”  Finn agreed nodding.  Rae turned her head to look at him, to give him a reassuring smile that all was good, non-sexual, work-mate like between them. 

Their eyes met and there was an unmistakable blaze of heat between them. 

Rae took a deep breath, and then another.  She felt like she was sweating because the heat between them was so intense.

“It’s been a hot spring.”  She whispered, barely aware of what she was saying.  All she could see was him.

“Unseasonably so.”  Finn agreed and she could hear the lust in his voice.  “It’s very hot in here.” 

“Cos o’ the heat.”  Rae answered.

“In the spring.”  Finn agreed again.

“So… hot.”  Rae said, “Unseasonably.”

“Dahab’ll be cold in comparison.” 

“Freezing.”  Rae was incredibly aware that neither of them was looking away and neither of them was doing a good job of hiding their lust.  The lift jolted to a stop, catching Rae unaware because she had been so focussed on him that the world had melted away for a moment.  It had been a long time since she’d felt that.  Not since Pierre, and then before Pierre, it had been Finn…  

They banged into each other lightly, their faces coming close together.

Rae felt a surge of nervousness and laughed, looking down.  She would normally look a man in the eye when they were this close.  But this was Finn…. The history they had, the fact that they were work colleagues now, the fact that she shouldn’t be letting all these feelings rise in her chest again; it was never going to happen.  No matter how attracted they still were to each other.  Finn had grown now, it was true.  But she was moving to Australia soon.  It wouldn’t be fair on him to let this attraction between them grow any further.

“Wasn’t paying attention.”  She laughed awkwardly and straightened up.  She decided that she simply wouldn’t allow their love to rekindle.  She had a life plan now; and Finn wasn’t a part of it.  She knew he’d never move to Australia; he loved England.  Pierre would move there in an instant, she knew this because she knew how open Pierre was to trying new things. 

She started to manoeuver the trolley out of the lift, Finn helping her when it got a little tricky. 

Nowadays, when they were in the archives they were usually joking around and leaving pranks for the other presenters to find down here.  But they were silent this time.  Rae was contemplating her move to Australia, thinking about how she would be leaving both Finn and Pierre behind.  But knowing that only one of them would be willing to follow her.  It made her sad to think about leaving Finn behind.  But she’d been doing that for years now.  She looked over at him, sucking his bottom lip, clearly trying to not say something.  He was trying so hard to get on with his life.  She admired that.  She admired how far he’d come in the past few months alone.  He’d finally gotten out of his rut.  He was doing something that he loved, he’d even started dating again.  He’d grown and changed a lot. 

“How are you getting to the airport tomorrow?”  Rae asked, finally breaking the long silence.

“Taxi.  Wanna share?” 

“Aye thanks.”  Rae answered, wondering what it was going to be like spending 10 days in Dahab with him and the gang.

*

“You are such a ray of sunshine.”  Rae said happily as Ray opened the door for her.

“And you my dear, are the radiant rays of the moon.”  Ray returned making Rae crack into laughter and Archie groan as if in physical pain.  They were always like this together.  Having a boyfriend named Ray and one of his best friends named Rae was not as much fun for him as it obviously was for both of them. 

Raymond adored Archie, and Archie was very clearly a man in love.  Raymond was also delightfully more campy than a row of tents; and he made that joke often.  Rae adored him, Finn thought he was decent, Chloe thought he was great for Archie… all around Ray was a winner in the eyes of the gang.  Archie handed Chloe and Jeff their room key, then turned to Ray and handed him their room key.  Rae watched him turn to Rae and Finn and take a deep breath before holding out a single key.

“Are you fucking joking?”  Rae asked.

“It’s cheaper.”  Archie answered.  “And it’s two double beds, so it’s not like-”

“It’s fine.”  Finn answered, “We’re both adults we can handle it.”

“Aye.”  Rae answered, not looking at Finn. 

When they got to the room it was a king sized bed.

“It’s fine.”  Finn shrugged, “We could get the Thames in between us and still have room to spread out.  The bed’s huge.”  He put his suitcase down and cleared his throat.

But Rae was having none of that.  If she shared a bed with Finn Nelson, she’d end up fucking him, and that was a mistake.  She’d seen how casual fucking worked out with Finn; not good at all.  He still had feelings for her, she still had feelings for him, everything was a mess… and she was moving to Australia.  He was over her… or at the very least he was actually starting to get over her, and she didn’t want to ruin all of that progress he was making by giving him 10 days of incredible sex.  Plus she knew her feelings for him had been stirring up since he’d started to grow and get out of the 90s. 

She was moving to Australia.  She had made the decision to not allow this to happen.

She picked up the phone and called through to Archie’s room.

“The bed is a king, not two doubles.  Fix.  It.  Now.”  She said in a tone of absolute finality.  Then she hung up the phone and turned back to Finn with a sweet smile.  “I have a king bed to myself back home… I’ve learned to spread out; I won’t leave ya any room in that wee little bed.”

“Alright.”  Finn shrugged and sat down on the lounge, waiting for Archie or a staff member to come and find them.  Eventually they were moved to another room of equal quality, with many apologies and a free meal at any of the hotels restaurants given to them. 

The sand was course and golden at Dahab, and the coral was right off the beach.  In town, Rae dressed modestly, out of respect for the Muslim people who lived here, even though a lot of tourists wandered around the town in their swimming costumes.  But on the beach, Rae wore a red bikini that left very little to the imagination.  Several, very beautiful Egyptian men had shown interest in her and she was thinking of joining one of them at his house; it’s not like she could take him back to her hotel room. 

But one of them was a little creepy and overly persistent.  He was a shop owner that would catcall her and beg her to come into his store, and when he saw her walking along the beach he would follow her trying to get her to have sex with him until she returned to the gang.  She didn’t see him talking to other women like that, especially not accompanied women.  So Rae just made a habit of having one of the men walk with her when she went past his shop.  Jeff was particularly good for that, being as tall as he was.  And when she was caught by him alone, she would simply recite her mantra politely:

“La’ shakrun.  La’ shakrun.  La’ shakrun.”  No thank you.

Being in the same room as Finn was an interesting situation.  They were oddly proper. Making sure to not be naked in front of each other, even though they had both already seen it, and on the beach they wore next to nothing.  But there was something about being in this room alone that made them extra careful and professional. 

Which was for the best.

Rae was showering, thinking about how the last time she’d had sex with Finn all those years ago was the last time she’d ever have sex with him.  Thinking that her last job in England will be shared with Finn.  She wondered if they’d write or skype once she moved.  She knew he wouldn’t visit; he hadn’t even made the effort to visit her in Bristol or London.  Why would he make a more than 20 hour plane trip down under to visit her if he couldn’t even drive a few hours to see her? 

“I’ll never see him again.”  She whispered to herself and felt a deep sadness well inside of her.  When she moved to Australia, she wasn’t going to see Finn anymore.  She was assuming she’d get the permissions she needed to move; she met all the criteria.

She sat with the sorrow for a while, and then decided that the best thing she could do was to really heal their friendship and leave it on a positive note. 

She went out to see Finn staring up at the ceiling, no television, no radio, no lights on, just staring.  He seemed to be in deep thought. 

“What are ya doing out here Finney lad?”  She asked with a laugh as she sat down. 

“Just thinking.”  He answered.

“Naw and I thought ya didn’t like trying new things.”  She was happy when her joke had the desired affect and he chuckled.

“Only one new thing a week for me.”  She appreciated his answer, they’d always been able to joke together and she was glad to see that returning to their relationship. 

“Well this one’ll prob’ly put ya outta action for a month.”  She teased. 

There was something unusual, something strange in the air tonight.  It felt like old times, but not… they’d never have that time back.  But there was something reminiscent of those times in this moment, something familiar and warm, comfortable… but something new.  They were joking like old times, but Finn was very much a new man.  As he lay there, she saw a new light in his eyes, she saw how much he really had grown, what a battle he’d been through with himself to go out on a limb and move to London like he had, how much self-reflection he’d done… she saw how hard it had been for him to let her go.  But she saw that he didn’t regret any of these decisions.  He didn’t regret pushing himself to grow, he didn’t regret making himself let her go.  Because now he had let go of a Rae that no longer existed he had been able to get to know who she was now.  She was still that same cheeky, music loving girl with a killer sense of humour.  But now she was also confident, strong in whole new ways she’d never known had existed, positive about herself and her future… And she could see that he was seeing all of that, just as she was seeing how much he had grown too. 

Rae was aware that this was the sort of moment in which romances were re-ignited.  She knew that it would be so easy to crawl into that bed with him and make love.  And there would always be a part of her that ached for that; ached for him. 

But she put those feelings on the shelf, and remembered what she had decided to do; heal their friendship, end it all on a high note.  She was leaving England, she had a life planned out now.  One that didn’t include Finn. 

She tried to think of what to say to help them heal, and was surprised when it was Finn who said the exact right words instead.

“Do you remember when you decided we was gonna have that picnic?”  He said and she immediately began giggling at the memory of it.  “And I didn’t tell ya I wasn’t feeling well…?”  Rae vividly remembered being in the middle of the countryside, miles from anywhere, when Finn had had to pull over and run into the bushes, suffering with diarrhoea.  She had tried to call after him to tell him that the bushes weren’t as hidden as he thought they were… She had seen the ute full of lads before they saw Finn.  She had closed her eyes and prayed they wouldn’t see Finn.  She heard them hooting and hollering, laughing loudly and opened her eyes to see them staring at where she knew Finn was; she couldn’t quite see him. 

It had been quite a drive home, the picnic basket untouched in the back of the car.  Rae had felt like such a failure for suggesting the picnic in the first place, for not just magically knowing he’d been sick, for just being who she was. 

“You know… I’d tell ya I was unwell now.”  He said softly.

“And I’d believe ya instead o’ thinkin’ you just didn’t wanna go with me.”  Rae answered honestly.  This was it, this was the moment of healing they so desperately needed.  “You know, I really need to say sorry about how I was back then…”  Rae said softly and lowered her eyes in thought. 

“No you don’t.”  Finn rebutted immediately before she’d had chance to elaborate.

“I wasn’t always easy to be around…”

“No one is.”  He retorted and Rae was mildly annoyed at how he shrugged like this didn’t matter.  It did.  But she took a deep breath and ploughed on, determined to have the healing moment, even if he was determined to pretend that this conversation didn’t need to happen. 

“Yeah but… you couldn’t say that to me back then cos I’d have gone into a self-hating spiral of self-destruction.”  Rae said, “It’s hard being around people like me sometimes… like being in a minefield I s’pose.”

“It never felt like that to me.”  Finn answered and Rae was nearly flattened by that simple sentence.  She had always thought he must have felt like she was an oppressive force of mental destruction in his life.  To hear otherwise was so uplifting.  “That’s probably why I fucked up so bad.  I never realised how serious your problems were.”  He sat up in his bed.  “I’m so sorry I left you alone with them.”  Rae believed that he was genuinely sorry, and she silently accepted his apology, several years late, but true, honest and heartfelt.  But she had forgiven him a while ago; she’d done that for her own mental health.  But he really needed to forgive himself.  So Rae wanted to give him that gift before she left for Australia.  Because she would always love him, and he deserved true happiness.  And she could give him one small piece of that. 

“I think I needed it.”  Rae answered.  It was true in a sense.  But she had needed the time on her own in a different way than basically being abandoned by her boyfriend, leaving her with no choices about the future of their relationship. “I mean it was hard…”  She tempered her first sentence; she didn’t want to outright lie to Finn, or to herself.  But she did want to put it in a positive light.  Because a lot of positives had come out of it.  “But I kinda got the idea into me head that I was only any good cos I had you.  Once I decided I had to save myself instead of waiting for you or anyone else to do it… well… that’s when I really started to get better.  Started to realise that I was good just by myself.”  The greatest gift she had ever given herself was the knowledge that she really would be just fine by herself. 

“But you shouldn’t have had to do it by yourself.”  Rae knew that Finn was right.  She was surprised he didn’t realise that she hadn’t been alone at university; he wasn’t the only person in her life.

“I didn’t.”  Rae said, “I met Jeff almost straight away… I gotta huge array of friends you’ve never met.  A new therapist who specialised in body image and feminism… I didn’t do it by myself.  I just…”  She tried to think of how to express to him that breaking up with him had been one of the best things that had ever happened to her in the end.  Even though she loved him, even though she still ached for him, even though she did wish that there was a way they could be together.  But she was glad they had broken up.  “Stamford had become a rut for me.  A far too well trodden path.  It was safe and comfortable.  And I’d come so far with my recovery that I thought I’d done enough.”  She put her towel aside, “I mean I’d done enough to keep you.  Until the first problem came up.  Then it all fell apart.”  She looked down at her hands.  She had thought that the be all and end all of her recovery had been that she was no longer harming herself and she friends and a boyfriend.. she was cured!  Hallelujah!  She smiled fondly at that naïve version of herself; she had had so much work still to do, and only leaving Finn had shown her that.  “Those first few weeks at uni were so hard… I nearly called you so many times.”  She shook her head thinking about all the times she’d wept in the phone booth at uni, her hand on the receiver, wanting to call him, but making herself not do it.  “But I realised that sometimes safe and comfortable isn’t what you really need.  Sometimes you gotta face all those fears.  And I did.”  She leaned across the gap between their beds, she had to make him understand that it was ok that they broke up; he could forgive himself for throwing them away.  “I could’ve never done that with you.  Cos you were my safety.” 

“I wish I could’ve been your danger too.”  Rae stared at him for a moment before laughing at the absurdity of that sentence, Finn laughing too. 

“I wasn’t ready for a lad that was both safe and dangerous.”  She gave him a grin, hoping he would finally let go of their past after this talk.  “I needed safety, and you gave that to me.  But for me to get better, I needed to stop relying on you.  And to learn to rely on myself.  So really it all ended up ok in the end.  I proved to myself that there’s nothing I can’t do.  Not a thing.”  She never failed to feel proud of herself and all she’d accomplished when she said those words; she truly knew she could handle anything.  “And like I said; I didn’t do it alone.  It was just that I didn’t let myself learn to rely on the new group of friends so easily… and when I did, I relied on them in an entirely different way, cos I relied on me the most.  I gave myself time with me.  Getting to know me.  Getting to trust me… and finally getting to like me.”  She shrugged trying to lessen the gravity of the discussion so that Finn could take it all in properly, “It was terrifying, and if I hadn’t met Jeff, I’m not sure I would’ve been brave enough.  Cos he was going through pretty much the same thing.” 

“Did you and Jeff ever…?”  Finn said with a teasing grin.

“Fuck yes we did!”  Rae laughed, “I’m mental not blind Finlay.  Jeff’s fucking fit as fuck.”  She was so glad they were laughing together.  She felt like he really had finally accepted everything, that he understood that it was for the best that they had spilt up.  “It was fun, but we don’t love each other that way, and it kinda dwindled out naturally… we started with fucking and just grew into being friends.” 

“Does Chloe know?”

“Yeah.  She met him when we was still fucking.”  Rae said.  “They knew each other a couple o’ years before they started dating.  That one grew the other way, from friendship into love and lovely sex.”  Rae gave a cheeky grin, “might’ve even had a threesome.”  She said with a teasing grin; telling him little titbits of her sex and love life to make it clear to him that she hadn’t been wallowing in misery without him.  She had thrived.  .

“Oh aye?”  Finn said, “Tell me all about it.”  He laid down on the bed and Rae laughed at his interested tone.

“Nah.  That one’s for us three.”  Rae answered, “But just know, that it was earth-shatteringly good.”  She decided to omit that there had actually been several threesomes there, and she was pretty sure that until she was in a monogamous relationship, they’d keep having them…

“You always did know how to get my fucking motor going girl.”  Finn said with a dirty, lusty tone.

“I think you got your own motor going there.”  She laughed at him.

“I’m not the one talking ‘bout fucking threesomes!”

“Who’s talkin’ ‘bout them?  You’re the one still going on about it.”  Rae shot back, settling in for a fun squabble about who was actually talking about threesomes.

*

The rest of their time in Dahab had been truly amazing.  Finn seemed to have forgiven himself, and their friendship, which had already been growing, grew even stronger. 

The way Finn had thrown them away would never truly be ok; but what had come out of it had been positive for Rae.  So it was time for the past to be firmly put in the past.  Rae understood how that was much easier said than done, and how the past often had a nasty habit of poking its head back up.  But she had learned to stifle those flames when they arose, and only feed the flames that gave her light and warmth and life. 

She hoped Finn would learn that too.

*

“It’s strange not hating going back to work.”  Finn said as they walked to work together.  “I mean I didn’t hate being a mechanic with Chop, but I fucking love this job.”  He turned to look at her, a kind of joyous light in his eyes that Rae hadn’t seen since he was 17 and first falling in love with her, “Thanks for getting me this job.”

“I think you’ve thanked me about 40,000 times now.”  Rae answered happily; Finn was falling in love with his life.  He was happy.  She felt a lot better about leaving him now.  She didn’t know how long it would take.  The process was notoriously tricky and the Australian government was constantly changing their rules.  But she was keeping positive about the whole thing; she WAS going to move to Australia… eventually. 

“Not nearly enough.”  He said happily as they walked into the building. 

When they got to the office Rae booted up her computer and checked her email.  There was an email from the lawyer she’d hired to help her with the process of moving to Australia; the Australian government had eased immigration regulations for European nationals.  He wanted to see her today so they could discuss how to best take advantage of this, because under these new regulations, she was eligible to move immediately.  She saw a follow-up email stating that she had in fact gotten provisional approval to move to Australia, she just had to answer a few more questions and prove that her financial situation was sound; the amount she had to have saved up had dropped slightly, but a requirement to have employment or sound employment opportunities already lined up had been added.  Rae gritted her teeth.  That would be more difficult; how could she get a job in Australia when she was here?  But she stayed positive; she was a well known radio presenter, there was no reason she couldn’t get a job in Australia doing a similar job; she’d research Australian radio stations tonight when she got home.  Rae shot him an email, excitedly tapping away as fast as she could.  It was going to happen much sooner than she had expected.  She could feel it in her bones. 

As soon as the email was sent she jumped up; her lawyer had set the meeting for 10am today, so she had to get going. 

“Jeff, I gotta head out for about an hour.”

“You just got back!”  He complained as she put her jacket on.

“I know!”  Rae laughed, “I’m just the worst!’  She grabbed her bag and headed out, a huge happy grin on her face.

*

Rae read through the piles of paperwork she had regarding this immigration thing she was doing.  She had narrowed down the places she was going to apply for jobs for; the one she was really keen on was Triple J, a government owned national youth radio station.  It played the best music and seemed to fit her personality the best.  The momentum was firmly swinging towards her being in Australia with in the next 2 years.  As long as she could land a job.  She was going to approach the radio stations over the next few weeks.  Her lawyer was helping her with all the new layer of forms and applications.  This was an expensive process.  A slow, agonising process.  But also a very exciting process.

Other than her wonderful future slowly taking shape, her life had been all about her friends and the occasional one night stand when she could find the time and energy to fit one in.  Chloe and Jeff had set a date for their wedding, and Rae was supposed to be the best man and the matron of honour.  Chloe had switched between a huge wedding and a tiny wedding so many times now that Rae and Jeff had stopped even trying to keep up. 

Izzy had given birth to twins and had a very nasty bout of post natal depression.  That had knocked the gang for six; seeing happy Izzy depressed and weeping.  But her doctor had prescribed some antidepressants and Chop had taken a leave of absence from work to help out, and she had slowly gotten better.

Danny was settled in with Julian and Cassandra in a polyamorous relationship, surprising everyone.

Archie and Ray looked like they were more in love than ever, and Rae was sure that Archie had finally found his powerful forever type of love.

Her mum, Karim and Jazz were happy, and Skype had been a true blessing.

Pierre was back in France, and still writing weekly.  He had taken her impending move to Australia well; telling her that he would visit as often as he could and that he’d try to get an internship there as well.  She’d known he’d take it well.

Miranda and Louis were finally together, although Miranda reported that it was very rocky going; Louis didn’t really know how to be in a relationship.  And he was far more Catholic than she was… she had a very high libido that was suffering through the abstinence.  But if Louis’s kisses were anything to go by, the sex was going to be worth the wait.  Pierre had told her that Louis had asked for advice in that regard, so Rae figured that Miranda didn’t have long to wait. 

And Finn.  Finn was happy.  Their friendship was closer than it had ever been.  They talked about everything; she felt like she could truly open up to him now, like she never had before in their long history together.  He told her all about Bianca, and she told him about the response she’d nearly sent him in regards to Pierre; in general terms, rather than in all the gory detail.  That had been an interesting conversation, but he had agreed he’d been wrong, and that it sounded like her and Pierre had truly been in love.  It felt like there was finally nothing bad between them.  Other than her impending move to Australia. 

Rae’s heart hurt terribly when she thought about telling them all she was going to move. 

She knew she’d email and skype and she’d see them when she visited her mum in Tunisia annually because she’d stop off in England.

And Chloe and Jeff had been playing around with the possibility of maybe moving to Australia too. Rae had found it hard not to say anything; she wasn’t saying anything until she knew for sure she was going.  But Chloe had been toying with the idea for months now and Jeff seemed to be open to the idea.  Rae had been subtly encouraging them.

So it would all be ok.

It’d be fine.

But Finn. 

Finn made her heart hurt when she thought about telling him she was leaving.

Their friendship was so close now.  She’d have to go back to missing him.  But she thought that maybe he would visit her now; he was a very different man; there was a happiness and light in him now.  He seemed to have found himself.

Rae sighed and looked down at her papers.  She looked through the webpage for Triple J and felt an excited flutter about the possibility of working there. 

She tried to push the thought of hurting Finn from her mind.  But it was growing harder and harder to push any thought of Finn from her mind. 

*

Rae threw the shot back and felt her eyes water.

“That’s fucking strong!”  Her voice was raspy with alcohol.  Miranda laughed and Rhianna threw her shot back while Lisa and Cathy tried to overcome the shots they’d just had.  It was the uni crew back together; getting drunk and having a rowdy girls night out.  Rae hadn’t been with all of these girls since she’d been in Bristol, and she’d only sporadically emailed Lisa and Cathy; she’d never been that close to them, they were more Rhianna’s girls than hers.  4 out of the 5 of them were single; Miranda was happily getting it together with Louis and trying to set them all up with random people in the nightclub. 

“Another!”  Rhianna called out and banged the bar.  The bartender poured them all another shot and the girls threw back their shots. 

“It’s rough as fuck.”  Rae said, “Is that fucking turps?”  She asked the bartender who gave her a cheeky grin and a wink. 

They talked, they laughed, they gossiped.  They drank.

After an hour of fun, the bartender leaned over the bar and put his lips near Rae’s ears.

“Before you get too drunk girl, wouldn’t mind getting your number… Maybe we can have a bit o’ fun later?”  He gave her a thoroughly seductive look as he pulled away and handed her his phone so she could put her number in it. 

He was tall and sexy and he looked like he’d be a lot of fun.  But Rae hesitated.  She normally wouldn’t hesitate in this kind of situation; she was tipsy, horny and he was gorgeous.

She reasoned that she was trying to not make new ties and new complications because she was planning her big move across the planet.  She handed back his phone and shook her head.

“Not interested, sorry.”  Rae told him.

He took it far better than some of the guys she’d turned down and kept the booze coming without complaint, his eyes occasionally returning to Rae, a curious expression on his face. 

*

“Ugh.”  Rae put her hand on her forehead and felt her stomach somersault.  “Ugh.”  She tried to sit up and the whole world spun horrifyingly.  Her mouth felt ugly and her head pounded.  “Oh god I’m too old for this.”  She mumbled and made herself get up to have a shower and wash off last night.  “Too bright.”  She closed the blinds and shambled through her apartment to the bathroom.  She looked over at Jeff’s empty room on the way.  It’d always be empty for her now.  She would never fill it; she was waiting to move overseas.  This was why she didn’t want to tell anyone, so she didn’t have to put up with morose thoughts like that from anyone else.  It was bad enough putting up with them from herself. 

An hour later her head was easing into a dull throb and she sipped her tea, her breakfast plates sitting in the sink for later. 

She opened up her emails and saw that she’d gotten one late on Friday afternoon.  She’d already been at the pub with the girls when she’d gotten it.

It was a letter from her lawyer telling her that subject to a proper police and background check and her securing a job, her application to move to Australia was finally accepted.  She made an excited squealing noise and then instantly regretted it, her hand flying to her temple and a groan of pain escaping her mouth. 

“Fuck.”  She groaned.  She had spoken with several radio stations.  Only Triple J hadn’t gotten back to her showing some interest, so she was sure she wold have a job within a month.   She was sad Triple J hadn’t gotten back to her though.  “Oh fuck… this is really gonna happen!”  She said happily to her empty apartment.  She read through the email; a police and background check could take anywhere up to 6 months, longer if they found anything and it needed further investigation.  “Oh for fuck’s sake.”  She mumbled.  It didn’t matter; she knew they wouldn’t find anything.  She’d never been in jail or anything like-

And then the thought of a night spent in jail in Morocco crashed into her mind and her stomach dropped. 

“Oh no.”  She whispered to the computer.  “No…”  She wondered if she should try and contact someone in Morocco and find out if it had been kept on record somewhere.  “Fuck…”  She started to google anything she could think of to give her some information on how much of a problem this actually was. 

*

She had done 4 Skype interviews this week, and one phone interview from Triple J that felt rushed and unsure. 

She was interviewing for jobs, she had spoken to her lawyer about the Moroccan incident and been reassured that it should be fine since no charges were brought against her; it might just slow the process down… she was starting to look at companies that could move her things out to Australia… And she was trying to figure out where she might want to live once she got there; although apparently the government chose where you would live for the first few years and then you could move to wherever you wanted. 

She was looking at homes…

It was time.

Chloe and Jeff had invited her over to lunch today; it was time to tell Chloe that it was happening.

Rae sat nervously, excitedly at the table while Chloe and Jeff fussed with the incredibly complicated and expensive looking meal they’d cooked together for lunch.  They sat down at the circular table with the plates, all of them looking down at their food.  Rae felt like her reluctance to speak had permeated the room, because the three of them usually always yabbered on non-stop, but today no one spoke. 

“Rae…” Chloe said finally breaking the silence in which everyone had been pushing the food around on their plates.  Rae looked up to see a very angst filled expression on Chloe’s face.

“What’s wrong?”  Rae asked, deeply concerned.

“I don’t want ya to think…” Chloe started and then stopped.  “Oh I dunno… just…”  Jeff took her hand and she took a deep breath and reached her other hand out to Rae who took it.

“It’s ok Chlo.”  Rae reassured her.

“Jeff and I have started the process of moving to Australia.”  She said, “I know it sounded like we was joking when we talked about it, but… I really loved it there and-”

“Oh my god!”  Rae laughed happily and practically dove across the table to pull Chloe into her arms.  “Me too!” 

“What?”  Chloe asked surprised.

“I already got me approval… assuming I got no criminal record and can get a job, I’m in.”  Rae told her, “I was dreading tellin’ ya.”

“Rae!”  Chloe said happily.  Jeff scooped them both into a huge hug.  “WE’RE GOING TO AUSTRALIA!”  Chloe screamed excitedly, Rae joining in.

“Oh my god.”  Rae couldn’t believe it.  “I was so sad about leaving, but now…”  She grinned and kissed Chloe on the cheek and then kissed Jeff on the cheek.  “My favourite people are coming too.” 

“This is honestly the best news.”  Chloe said, “We put in the first applications and they got through the first rounds, so we thought we should tell you before we went any further.”

“I decided to wait until I knew for sure before I told anyone.”  Rae said, “And even though I haven’t had final confirmation, I might as well have had it… so I thought I should tell you now.” 

“So ye were gonna tell us today?”  Jeff asked and Rae nodded.  “No wonder we was all so quiet.”  He laughed. 

The rest of the lunch was considerably more animated than the beginning had been. 

*

Rae opened the letter; another rejection letter from a radio station.  Jeff said no one had rung for a reference, so she assumed she hadn’t done well in the interviews.  She knew she’d have to look for more jobs after work.  For now, it was off to see Finn for breakfast before work. 

“Morning!”  Finn said and kissed her cheek, “I already ordered.” 

“You’re a fucking champ.”  Rae said and sat down.  “How’d ya weekend go?”

“Well aside from hearing an unbelievable amount o’ gay sex from the other bedroom, it was mostly uneventful.  I went out with the lads from the station, but I failed to pick up.  I think I’m getting too old to attract birds anymore.”  He told her.  Rae laughed loudly.

“Oh right, yeah.”  She disagreed. 

“You?”  He asked and sipped on some water.  Rae had gone box hunting; trying to find as many free boxes as possible, rather than having to buy them.  She had to start packing.

“Not much I’m afraid.  Just lunch with Chlo and Jeff.”

“Any threesome activity?”  He asked with a cheeky grin.

“Oh yeah, loads… all over the place.”  Rae answered sarcastically.  “We just can’t stop ourselves.”

“I bet you can’t.”  He laughed.  The food was brought over and Rae looked to see what Finn had gotten today; he ate all sorts of things off the menu now.  Today was omelette rolls; a prawn omelette wrapped with vegetables in rice paper. 

“That looks good.”  Rae watched him take a bite, waiting to see his response; this was the first time he was eating this particular thing. 

“Aye it is.”  He offered her the roll.  She took a bite as he held it out to her. 

“Not bad.”  Rae answered, “D’you know, nothing’s bad here.” 

“I think I have to agree.”

“So have you thought more about that tattoo?”  Rae tucked into her pho ga.

“Yeah I’m thinking a dragon on me back still.”

“You been on the dragon for the past week.”  Rae told him, “That’s the longest you’ve been on one.”

“Yeah I’m thinking it’s the one.”  Finn answered; he’d been trying to decide for the past month and had asked Rae to keep track of which one he seemed to stick with the most.  “Can ya come with me when I get it done?”

“Aye I’ll hold ya hand while ya cry.”  Rae teased.

“Does it hurt that much?”  He fretted.

“It’s absolutely the most agonising thing you will ever feel.”  Rae lied and Finn grimaced.  “But I reckon you’re tough enough to get through it.” 

“Well if I’m not I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have around mocking me.” 

“It would be my honour to mock you.”  Rae laughed.

*

He squeezed her hand and looked up at her as she sat on the chair beside him.

“How is it?”

“Not as bad as I thought it were gonna be.”  Finn answered, “But every time the needle goes over me spine it vibrates through me whole fucking body.”  Rae had several tattoos now, she understood the unique feeling of the needle going over various bony places. 

“Yeah it’s special.”  She agreed. 

“You got someone to put the cream on your back?”  The tattooist had told him he’d have to put some cream on the tattoo everyday. 

“Um…”  Finn hesitated.

“I’ll do it for ya!”  Rae told him.  “I see ya almost everyday anyway.”

*

The daily tattoo creaming had been a strange ritual of Rae attempting to convince herself she wasn’t horny as hell when he was half naked, followed by tenderly rubbing the cream into his back.  It had been erotic even as she desperately tried to keep the sexiness out of it. 

This daily ritual had become a weekly date of sorts of going to see a movie together, sometimes grabbing a meal but mostly just having popcorn for dinner.  Going to the movies weekly meant that Rae saw a lot of movies she wouldn’t normally bothering seeing.  Today it was _‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’_

“You know what I’ve noticed?  Seeing men naked is seen as funny, but seeing women naked is always sexual.”  Finn mused as they walked back to his place. 

“It’s called sexism.’  Rae answered.  “Men aren’t always funny when they’re naked.  Sometimes they’re powerful too.  They’re rarely sexual though because movies are made by men, so they only tell stories men wanna see; sexy naked women.  Powerful men.  They assume men don’t wanna see sexy naked men... In fact a woman’s only power is her sexiness.”  Rae said and Finn thought about this silently for some time, Rae waiting to see what he’d say. 

“Cos a lot o’ men value a woman’s body over her brains.”  He answered.

“Most men are more concerned with putting their dicks in a woman than having a real conversation with her.”  Rae agreed, “unless the conversation’s gonna lead to fucking that is.”

“My life’d be so boring if I only thought about girls for sex.  Think of all the friends I never would’ve had.”  Finn shook his head.

“Well in my experience guys like that are pretty boring.”  Rae answered.

“Have ya had a lot o’ lads then?”  Finn asked, she noticed the way his hands were in his pockets and the way he looked down. 

“I had enough.  You had a lot o’ girls?”

“Nah.  Besides Bianca, who I already told ya about, it was just loads o’ one night stands… a couple of multiple night stands.” 

“Like Katie…?”  Rae knew she shouldn’t have asked that.  He made a soft noise in the back of his throat that was filled with regret.

“Aye.”  He answered, “She kept hanging around and I… I was lonely.”  They walked in silence for a while.  “I’m sorry.”

“What are ya saying sorry for.  It’s in the past.  We’re both different people now.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed. 

And Rae suspected he had hurt himself more than her in the end when it came to Katie, so she didn’t push that topic. 

“I had loads of one night stands and short lived relationships not worth writing home about.”  She changed the topic for him.  “But just one real relationship.  Pierre.”  She sighed, “I was with Heath for a year out of habit.  I so wish I’d gotten a year with Pierre.”  Rae saw the look on Finn’s face; he was supportive, but also curious.  Much like she had been with Bianca.  “I only wrote home about Heath cos we’d been together for so long and I felt like I should.  No sparks there.”  She explained.  “But Pierre…” She knew how wistful and longing her voice sounded.  “I’ll always love him.”

“Does he not love you?”  Finn asked, in that same supportive, curious voice she’d used when he’d talked about Bianca.  They both knew there was a lot of emotion under it. 

“He loves me.”  Rae answered, “We’re not together because of some personal issues.  I can’t elaborate, it’s his business.”  She explained and Finn nodded.  “But we’ll always love each other.  There’s no one like him.”  Again the ache crept into her voice, “No one will ever make me feel how he did.” 

“Wow.”  Finn sounded winded by those words, “Um…”  Like he didn’t know how to reply.

“No one could ever make me feel how you did either.”  She didn’t know why she told him that.  But it was the truth, and they were being far more truthful with each other nowadays. 

*

Rae sighed and looked at her diaries neatly arranged on the bottom shelf of her huge bookshelf.  It felt like she’d only just unpacked them.  She picked one up and opened it up at random.

_Finn has the most perfect mouth I’ve seen._

She smiled fondly and put the diary in the box.  She pulled another one out and opened it at random.

_… and Chloe is with a guy named… oh fuck I can’t remember his name… but he told Archie to stay away from ‘his girl’ – threatened to beat him up if he kept hitting on her.  ARCHIE!!  HITTING ON CHLOE!!  What a fucking git._

Rae laughed.  That had been Steve.  Rae remembered him.  Chloe was with him for 7 months and he threatened every guy that came near her. 

She kept going through her diaries, reminiscing happily. 

“Go’ keep this up and you’ll end up playing ‘ _wonderwall’_ again tomorrow.”  She said to herself as she looked down at a photo of her and Finn together.  It had been tucked in one of her diaries, but Rae thought it was time for it to go with all of her other photos. 

She had a shipping container in mind to put all of her things in; it would take longer to come by ship, but it would be much cheaper than doing it by air freight.

She didn’t have a job yet.  But she knew she’d get one.  She just knew it.  So she was just waiting now for the background check, her mind constantly returning to that night in Morocco, hoping it hadn’t ruined her chances.  She was sticking with the positive thinking and packing up her things anyway. 

Chloe and Jeff were going through the first checks.  The Australian government looked like they might change the rules again soon and Rae just hoped she got accepted before they did, or else she’d be subject to the rule changes and it might render her pre-approval void. 

*

Rae opened the door to see Finn looking incredible in a suit, a crooked smile on his face. 

“Looking quite dapper Mr Nelson.”  She said trying to close the door before Finn saw the boxes in the lounge room.  She didn’t want to explain that yet; it hurt her heart to think about telling him she was going.  Probably going. 

“You packing up Rae-Rae?”  He asked and she shrugged in reply.  The tone of worry in his voice stirred up so many emotions, she swallowed them back and gave him a smile. 

“Come on, we’re running late!”  She bustled him off down the road, linking her arm in his and talking rapidly about how the weekend had been going so far. 

When they sat down at the flash Italian restaurant, she looked up at Finn and saw the look in his eyes.  It wasn’t just her struggling with her feelings here.  This was a date.  A real date.  He was taking her out for the night.  And she loved that he was. 

“Did I thank you for getting me a good paying job I fucking love?”  He said as he took a sip of the wine he’d chosen for them.  Rae enjoyed the nervous energy coming off Finn; he was so excited for tonight.  It made her excited for it.  She knew she shouldn’t get caught up in all of this.  She decided she wouldn’t be caught up in it… 

“You might have.”  She grinned in reply. 

“You know, I think I could happily work there forever.”  Finn told her.

“Really?”  Rae felt like she was ready to go elsewhere, she’d outgrown this radio station; she was ready for a new job in Australia.

“Not you?”  He asked.  She could hear the worry in his voice. 

“I won’t be there by the end of the year.”  She didn’t know why she was telling him this; perhaps trying to give him a warning, trying to stop him in this date without outright telling him to stop… because really she didn’t want him to stop.  “Sorry pal, but you’re gonna have to find yourself a new co-host.” 

“What?”

“Don’t tell Jeff yet but, cos I haven’t told him yet.”  Rae told him.  Jeff knew she’d be leaving eventually.  But he didn’t know that it was likely to be before the end of the year.  Plus she didn’t want the risk of Finn and Jeff talking about her job and Australia being mentioned.

“D’you get another job?”

“Not yet.”  Rae grinned excitedly, “but I will.”  She always got excited when she thought about the move.  Excited, tinged with sadness. 

“I don’t understand…”  He sounded a little lost. 

“Don’t worry about it Finny.”  She said, “We got a good night planned.  We’ll talk about that later.”  Rae decided to just go with the flow tonight; to let herself enjoy this night with him.  It would one of the last.  She just knew she’d be in Australia by the end of 2008. 

They’d had a wonderful dinner, and the movie, _‘The Dark Knight’_ , had been quite good.  And now for the obligatory dawdle home, chatting about the movie.

“I reckon he’ll get the Oscar.”  Rae insisted.

“He fucking should get it.”  Finn said, “it’s fucked up that he’s dead.”

“He was so talented.”  Rae lamented.  “But Christopher Bale’s voice as Batman was so fucking annoying.”

“Why would you say that?”  Finn mimicked the voice Bale used in the role, “Can’t you feel how dramatic and urgent everything is when I use this voice?”  Rae giggled; he was uncannily good at that voice, “Why would you mock my voice Rae?”  Finn continued.  “Yeah it were shite.”  He returned to his normal voice.  “Bad directing I reckon.”

“Oh sacrilege!”  Rae said dramatically.  “Don’t say that in front o’ Archie!”  They were laughing, as they always did.

“Oh god no!”  Finn agreed, laughing.

“He worships Christopher Nolan!”

“And the ground under his perfect little feet.”  Finn agreed. 

“Alright.”  Rae felt remarkably reluctant as they got to her door.  She didn’t want the night to end, she was having such a good time.  She always had a good time with Finn now.  “End of the date.”  She said with a cheeky grin.

“You noticed huh?”  Finn stepped closer to her and Rae felt the heat between them rise.  He leaned on her door with his shoulder, his eyes never leaving hers, the grin they shared never faltering. 

“How could I not Finlay?”  She leaned on her door too, moving slightly closer, not sure what she was doing, too wrapped up in the moment.  She was revelling in him.  Finn Nelson was a magnificent man.  Strong, confident, funny, smart, sexy, kind.  He was daring and brave and open-minded as well nowadays, in small subtle ways.  He was beautiful.  And he was looking at her like she was the answer to his question.

“I just thought we deserved a nice meal.”  He said demurely. 

“And our pho ga isn’t a nice meal 5 days a week?”  She laughed, edging closer to him. 

“Nicest way to start the day.”  She noticed him edging closer, felt the heat rising between them even more.

And then she put a hand on his chest.  She hadn’t even realised what she was doing until her hand was there.  Her desire for him was flaring throughout her body.  But it was more than that… He leaned in closer, his eyes flicking to her lips.

“Finn…”  Her whole being was swirling with emotions.  She was so in love with him.  Her head tilted to the side, she so wanted to taste him.  But she couldn’t do this.  She looked down, forcing herself to remember that she was moving to Australia, that it had been over with Finn for nearly a decade, that there were a zillion reasons she couldn’t do this.  She couldn’t let herself fall back in love with Finn like this.  Not now.  Not ever. 

But he was right there.  So close.  And she loved him. 

“Rae.”  He whispered and she looked up, her face coming level with his, her lips almost brushing his.  They stayed like that for a moment.  “Rae…”  There was a whole novel of emotion in that single word.  The way he said her name woke up things she’d been putting to sleep for years. 

“Finn.”  She could barely speak his name, her feelings for him were starting to overcome her.  She reluctantly looked down again.

“What is it Rae?”  Finn worried.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen…. I…”  She couldn’t do this, no matter how much she wanted to.  “I can’t do this.  It’s not fair on you.”  She whispered and turned from him, slipping her key into the door.

“What are ya talking about?”  She could hear the fear in his voice.  “Rae?”  The panic in his voice made her freeze.  She didn’t want to do this to him.  She didn’t want to hurt him.  “Please talk to me Rae…”

“I will.”  She whispered, not sure if she was ever going to be brave enough to tell him she was moving to Australia.  “I just need to… to think.”  She kissed his cheek and desperately wished she was inviting him back into her life.  “Good night Finn.” 

She closed the door and leaned against it, feeling bereft and filled with grief. 

She headed to the shower, tears starting to stream down her face.

Why did this have to happen now?

Why did love have to lead her somewhere she couldn’t go? 

*

Rae had spent the rest of the weekend trying to critically evaluate her feelings.

Trying to un-package it all and make sense of everything.  She’d always loved him.  She’d always known that.  Even when he was being an utter knob-head she’d loved him.  So surely it was no surprise that now he had grown into himself and become an incredible man, that her love for him would reassert itself.  It didn’t mean anything.  She could put it aside and continue with her plans to move to Australia.  Because this move meant so much to her.  She knew she was meant to live there; it was meant to be her home.

She was just glad that Jeff had scheduled her and Finn to have Monday and Tuesday off.  He did that sometimes; just scheduled long weekends for people.  He didn’t take it out of their leave or their pay.  He called them mental health days.  She’d never needed those days like she did today.

It was the end of July… she was over midway through the year, and she had been so sure that this was the year she’d be finally getting to Oz.  But she didn’t have a job, the background check still wasn’t done… and Finn…

Finn…

Finn…

She went out to the mailbox, deciding that a little bit of sun on her skin would make her feel better.  She also had a massage scheduled for today; she needed to do some self-care and look after herself; she was feeling a little deflated and defeated today.

Rae looked at the envelope from Australia.  She already knew it’d be another rejection letter.  She opened it up and sure enough, she had been rejected for yet another job.  She sighed and decided that maybe instead of self-care she’d need to go on the job hunt yet again.  This was starting to get depressing.  She took a deep breath and tried to reframe it as she walked through the apartment to her computer.

“They seemed a little too conservative for ya anyway Rae.”  She told her self as she tossed the letter in the bin.  She sat down and turned on her computer. 

She was going to play some Diablo 2 before looking for more work in Australia.  Archie had started her in on these sorts of games and now she was kind of addicted. 

She opened up her email to check if anything had come in.  She wasn’t expecting anything, but she was still waiting on her final approval to move to Australia, so she was constantly checking. 

She saw an email from Triple J and her heart dropped.

“Damn.”  She muttered.  She’d really wanted that job.  She was tempted to not open it, but she made herself face the truth and clicked on it.

_Dear Rae (Rachel) Earl_

_We’re stoked to offer you the role of-_

Rae screamed in excitement.

She had gotten the job she really wanted.

*

August passed in an agony of deep self-reflection for Rae. 

Seeing Finn was excruciatingly painful now.  She wanted that closeness again, so she sought out his friendship, but she couldn’t let herself feel this deep powerful love for him anymore, so she kept him away. 

September was fast approaching and nothing inside of her had changed.  She had thought that giving herself some time to sit with the feelings, without judging them would allow her to let them go. 

She couldn’t do this…

But she was deeply in love with Finn.

Again.

She had made the decision to not let these feelings resurface.  She’d known she’d always love him and find him attractive but she was moving to Australia.  So she had rightly decided not to let this happen…

But it had happened. 

Finn wasn’t the kind of love you could just tell not to happen. 

He was no Jason.  He was Finn. 

And she loved him.  He was the kind of necessary, immediate, powerful… forever… love, that she had demanded for herself.  She would accept no less… and there he was. 

They still loved each other.  They always had.  But finally, they were in sync again, the time was right, love had led her back.. to here.  To this moment.  To this man.  It was Finn. 

But he’d never move to Australia…

*

She set her electrical signature onto the lease.

She had gotten word back from her lawyer; she was moving to Australia.  Everything was passed, everything was done.  She’d even gotten her apartment in Hobart, Tasmania, sorted out today.  Once she sent this email, she would be responsible for the rent on this place in London, and an empty apartment waiting for her in Australia. 

She gave a shaky laugh.  Moving was expensive!

She sent the email.

There was no turning back.  She was going to Australia.

She shot an email to Chloe and Pierre to tell them the news, and a another to Archie telling him they had to talk soon.  She sent another to Danny, Izzy, Chop, Miranda, Louis and Rhianna, telling them she had news to tell them and they’d need to get together in the next month.

She opened an email to Finn.

She closed the email. 

She hadn’t decided exactly what she was going to tell him yet.

*

The first week of September had been filled with blustery storms and Rae still in mental and emotional limbo. 

But she knew what the problem was.

She loved Finn.

He would never move to Australia.

But she had to try. 

She was sacred of trying though.  Because this was it.  This was the one last attempt at making a life with Finn.  If he didn’t come with her, she knew once and for all it could never be them, and she’d have to keep letting love guide her somewhere else. 

She thought she’d known all these years it could never be Finn and her.  But now she knew that it would only be final after she told him how she felt and where she was going…

The minute she knew that truth, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she jumped up.

She had to talk to him now.

It didn’t matter that it was late in the evening.  She had to go over to Finn’s place now and tell him everything. 

She grabbed her jacket and threw it on and she left the apartment, speeding to Finn’s place.

As she jogged, her mind started to catch up with her.

This was absurd!

They hadn’t even started a relationship again yet, and she was going to waltz into his apartment and tell him she loved him and wanted him to move to Australia with her?

She couldn’t do that.

It was too big a leap of faith for anyone to take.

They didn’t even know if they could work in a relationship again.  How could she be dumping all of this on him?

This was a bad idea.

But there she was, knocking on his door.

And here he was, opening the door.

She felt an upshot of emotion so powerful she could barely talk.  He looked sad.  She supposed that was her fault; the closeness they’d been sharing these past few years had been obliterated by her these past 6 weeks.  It hadn’t been deliberate.  She’d just needed time to think, to sit with her feelings, to understand.  To know.

And she knew.

“I just wanted to talk.”  She said softly, “About, you know, you and me.” 

“Aye.”  He opened the door for her to come in.  Rae felt her heart in her throat.  “Come in.” 

“You seem a little grumpier than usual.”  She nearly kicked herself for saying that.  Her nerves were making her say everything wrong and she’d only said 2 sentences.  She took a deep breath and reminded herself of what a remarkably accomplished, intelligent and beautiful woman she was.  This always calmed her nerves.  She knew she could do this.  She turned her eyes to Finn as she passed him and walked into his apartment.

“I always get a little sad around this time o’ year.”  His voice was low and emotional.

“Why’s that?”  Rae sat down on the lounge.  A charged silence fell between them in which they could hear Archie and Ray having loud sex with the tv on in his room.  Finn closed the door to his apartment, his eyes on Rae. 

“It’s the anniversary of…”  He paused and Rae saw a whole world of emotions cross over his expressive face.  He was clearly struggling with whether he should tell her why he was grumpy, so Rae knew it had something to do with them.  “Of when we broke up.”  He said and sat down beside her.  She was stunned by those words.  She hadn’t realised that all these years he was still so affected by the end of their relationship.  So affected by the moment she had refused his kiss.  It would have been going backwards... because if she’d kissed him again then, she couldn’t have ever left.  And she had needed to leave.  They both knew that now. 

“Go’ you keep track o’ that?”  She asked trying to make sense of everything that was happening in her head and heart right now.  “What’s that?  Ten years?”

“Yeah 10 years since…”  He lowered his eyes.  Rae could see there was a lot more he wanted to say, but he was choosing to stay silent.  And she supposed that it was her turn to confess, not his.  That’s why she was here.

“A lot’s changed since then.”  Rae said softly, her eyes unable to leave his sad face.  She ached for him even as he sat across from her.  She was so in love for him.  How was she ever going to make this all work out? 

“Not everything though.”  He said meaningfully.  He was confessing so much with those words, with that look on his face.  And she knew he was right; not everything had changed.  Some things stayed the same no matter what they’d been through this past decade.

“No.”  Rae agreed, “Not everything’s changed.”  She leaned over and kissed his lips gently, wanting to tell him how she felt with that action.  She didn’t know how to say everything she had to say before the end of the night, and she so wanted to make love to him.  So she picked the thing that would be easier to do; make love.  Then she’d figure out how to get her mouth to work again.  It was so odd how sometimes her ability to speak left her entirely.  But they’d always been very good at having whole conversations with their bodies.  And she needed to have a very important conversation with him.  She felt his hand on her cheek and knew he was open to making love.  He’d always been open to making love to her.  But it hadn’t been the right time for it.

Now it was.

She stood up and held out a hand to him.

“Come on.”  She whispered, knowing he would know what she wanted without the need for explanation. 

She had never been in his bedroom, but she knew the way there from the other times he’d been in the apartment with Archie. 

Almost as soon as he closed the door they were kissing again; both of them were very obviously bundles of nerves and raw emotions.  So Rae tried to soothe both of them with tender kisses, gentle caresses and emotionally vulnerable and honest moments of staring into each other’s eyes.  She wanted him to know even though she couldn’t speak right now, she loved him. 

After they finished slowly undressing each other she pulled him onto the bed, on top of her and wrapped herself around him.  This felt like home.  Being close to him felt like home.  Not just physically close, but emotionally close like they were right now. 

And she got caught up in him, in his kisses, in the feel of their closeness.  In the feel of coming home. 

When Finn finally penetrated her, a shudder of sheer unadulterated joy travelled through both of them.  She knew they both felt this connection.  They were both emotionally vulnerable and trusting each other completely.  They were both home. 

Rae held him to her and heard his shuddering breath, filled with tears, his face buried in her the crook of her neck as their bodies spoke when words had failed them. 

She stroked his hair, her own emotions threatening to spill tears onto her cheeks.  She understood.  She felt the way he did. 

When he looked at her, she knew that there was no one else for her now.  He had shown her everything he was in that one moment.  And she loved him more than ever. 

She pulled his face to hers and kissed him passionately, pouring all her love for him into her mouth.  Words still failing her, but her mouth talking nonetheless.  Their kiss was magic.  Finn had been right; there really was magic between them. 

“I love you.”  The words rushed from his mouth, “Rae I love you.”  One of his tears dropped onto her cheek and he gently wiped it away.

She pulled him closer, her arms holding him tightly and stared into his eyes, her hips coming up to meet his, their rhythm slow and deep. 

“I love you too Finn.”  She whispered almost silently.  She felt safe.  There was so much honesty, so much truth and vulnerability between them.  They had both laid everything they were on the table in these declarations… and had been accepted.  Unconditionally.

They kissed passionately, both of them feeling a thrill of excitement and happiness. 

Rae lost track of time, the world ceased to exist; she was with him.  Her powerful… forever… love. 

When she did cum, it was incredibly satisfying.  But she wanted more.  She’d always want more of Finn. 

She rolled him onto his back, loving the way he laughed and didn’t mind one bit that she was so strong. 

She climbed on top of him and held him to her, making love to him, drinking in every single millimetre of him.  She would never tire of making love to him. 

It was a long time before Finn came, and Rae had a feeling it had been just as satisfying for him as it had been for her. 

She laid beside him, snuggling up in his arms, listening to his heartbeat and telling him that she liked his room.

She could see how late it was when she saw the clock.  A few minutes before midnight.  But she didn’t care.  She was spending the night here, in his arms. 

“Some talk.”  He joked after a short silence, just enjoying each other’s presence.  And that set Rae’s heart into a spiral of fear.  She hadn’t told him yet.  How was she going to tell him that she was moving to Australia.  How could she possibly resolve all of this?  Would he forgive her for coming here and making love with him and then telling him she was leaving…?  She was going to ask him to come too… but she wasn’t sure he would, not even after everything. 

She hadn’t even realised that she’d sat up.  

“Rae?”  She could hear the worry in his tone and hated that it was her fault that it was there.  She hated what she was about to do to him.  She should have spoken first instead of falling into bed with him.  It was far too easy to make love to him.  Their bodies just seemed to fit together. 

She took a deep breath and tried to smother the blazing inferno of negativity that had sprung up and instead feed the positivity.  She looked at his worried face, filled with pain and fear; she needed to say something to him now.  She didn’t have time to get herself together properly, she didn’t have time to think.  She had to speak now. 

“I should have said this first.”  She felt like she was stumbling and stuttering through every word, “But I just… I wanted to make love to you.”  She tried to explain. 

“What’s wrong?”  Rae hated the fear in his voice; she was messing everything up. 

“I just got the final approval to move to Australia.”  Rae didn’t know what else to do but simply tell him, “And I wanna go.”  But that wasn’t the truth.  “I mean… I am gonna go.”  She told him with absolute honesty.  She didn’t know how to ask him to come with her.  How could she ask that of him?  He had his family, his friends, his career.  He was finally happy and settled in his life, and they’d made love… and he was supposed to throw away his whole life for her after they’d simply made love… there was no guarantee that they could make this work.  She knew that love was quite often not enough for a relationship.  But she wanted to be with him.  And she was going to Australia… She didn’t know what to do.  And he just stared at her, blinking slowly, as if the words were simply not making sense to him. 

“You what?” 

“I got the first inkling of this whole thing when we got back from Dahab.”  She kept trying to explain and she knew she was getting the details wrong in her emotional state, but the general story was right and that’s what mattered, “And then everything was just moving so fast, and then I got first approval in July and… Then you tried to kiss me… But… but I’ve already made arrangements in Australia.  I have an apartment lined up and…”  She stopped talking, realising she was talking too much.  “I’m sorry I been distant lately.  I just had a lot o’ thinking to do about what I wanted and how I felt and where you fit into my life.”

“Yeah.”  Finn said softly.  She watched him get off the bed and walk to the wall.  He stared at it.  Rae felt her heart ache.  She had heard the sense of betrayal in his voice and she supposed it was true.  She hadn’t meant for this to be a betrayal.  She hadn’t meant for any of this to happen like this.  She had genuinely thought there was no future for her and Finn, she had kept her plans from everyone for a long time for a reason, and she hadn’t meant to make love to him before telling him the truth.  Rae felt a deep sense of having failed not only Finn, but herself.  She had to remind herself that she should learn from failures and do better next time.  That they weren’t a reflection on her core self.  That it didn’t mean she couldn’t get it right in the future… But the tears wouldn’t stop anyway.  This was going to be goodbye.  Forever this time. 

“Finn.”  Rae asked sadly, her voice cracking with her tears.  “Finn?”  She desperately didn’t want to lose him, but she knew she had no power over the outcome of this discussion.  The decision was all in his hands.  Everything was up to him.  Either he would come with her, or he wouldn’t.  And she feared it was too much to ask of him.  “Finn please say something.”  She was terrified of what he might say.  But she had to hear it.  Had to hear how unfair it was of her to dump this on him and expect him to just deal with it.  She knew how unfair she was… how wrong it was for her to want him to just drop his whole life and run away to Australia with her… with no guarantee that they could make this work.  They hadn’t dated as the new people they were… they didn’t know if they fit anymore.  But she knew she loved him and she wanted to try.  “I still love you.”  she whispered, “Even though-”

“Let me come with you Rae.”  He turned back to her.  But Rae was in shock; she could barely believe her ears.  “I never stopped loving you.  Not even in the times when I didn’t deserve the privilege of loving you… not even in the times when I should have been focussing on loving myself.”  He crossed the room and went to her, putting his hands on her arms, “I’ll go with you if you let me.”  He told her, “I’m not the same person I used to be.”

“I know.”  She answered, her mind slowly starting to accept what he was saying to her.  “I never stopped loving you either.  Not for one minute.  I just… I didn’t see us as a viable option.” 

“Me being a knob-head for a lot of the time you’ve known me probably didn’t help.”

“No.”  She agreed, “It didn’t.  But I was a knob-head too ya know.” 

“Aye I know.”  He answered.  She was strangely reassured to hear him say that.  “I’m still Finn.  I still get grumpy.  I still know more about music than you do.”  Rae made a noise of disagreement, “I still don’t talk as much as I should.  But I see you girl.  I never really saw you right proper afore.  But I do now.  I got you off that pedestal Rae, and I love you even more now.”  He stroked her face gently and Rae knew they were going to make it.  They were going to have a happy life together.  “Take me with you?”  She leaned over and put her hands on his face and looked him in the eyes.

“That’s what I was hopin’ you’d say.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah and if you didn’t, I had a whole speech planned, asking ya to come with me Finn.”  They stared at each other for a moment, happiness coursing through Rae’s veins.  “I wanna spend the rest of me life with you.”  And that was it.  That was everything she had to tell him.  All laid out on the table.  She was as vulnerable as she could get.  But she knew she was safe.  She knew she was strong no matter what he said.  But she also knew Finn.  She knew he loved her.  She knew he had her back.  She knew.

“Well then you’re gonna have’ta marry me girl.”  Rae was strangely not surprised by Finn’s proposal.  She knew she should be, but it just felt right.  They’d really been building up to this moment since the first time they’d met.

“That’s the plan.”  She answered, “Make all our friends come to a wedding on an Australian beach somewhere…”  She said in a whimsical tone.  “It’ll be perfect.

“Aye.”  He answered, “So that’s… that’s a yes…”  She could tell by the tone of his voice that he felt like the luckiest person alive.  And she felt the same. 

“That’s a yes Finn Nelson.”  She told him.  “I wanna move to Australia, but I don’t wanna do it without you.” 

The kiss was so passionate and breathless that Rae thought she might pass out.  .They stared into each others eyes, they were both excited and nervous and beyond happy and so in love.

“We’re really gonna do this?”  He whispered.

“Yeah I think so.”  Rae answered.  “I really think you’ll like it in Australia.  There’s a state called Tasmania… very forest-y… I like it there.”

“I’ll like wherever you are Rae.  You’re my home.”  He kissed her lips tenderly. 

“I love you.”  She told him.

“I love you.”  He returned happily.

“We’re going to Australia!”  She said excitedly before she kissed him again.

“Australia!”  Finn yelled loudly. 

“We gotta tell Archie!”  They grabbed the blanket off the bed and wrapped it around themselves before running from his room, across the hall.  They banged loudly on his door, laughing deliriously happily until Archie opened his door.

“What the fuck-?”

“We’re moving to Australia!”  Finn declared happily and Rae pulled him into a hug.  Ray watched the three friends from Archie’s bed.  Archie was asking utterly bewildered questions and Rae and Finn were firing information at him excitedly. 

“You know Australia does have the oldest continuing cultures on the planet.”  Ray said when there was a lapse in the frenetic information dump of a conversation.  They all turned to look at him, “And you do love history Archie.”  Ray said, “And I have family there…”  He shrugged suggestively, obviously meaning that he would be ok with moving to Australia.

“DO IT!”  Finn yelled happily at Archie, “DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!”  Rae joined in.

“I have to think about it!”  Archie told them, “I have to think about it…”  He was flabbergasted. 

*

The sun had travelled far further across his bedroom than he was used to by they time they woke up the next morning.  They were still tangled in each other’s arms. 

They talked quietly for some time about how they were going to go about getting him moved over there, wondering if he’d have to start the process alone, if her lawyer would take him on at a discounted price, if there’d be some sort of concession or easier road for him because he was her hubby-to-be. 

“Are you really sure about this Finn?’  Rae asked softly, “It’s not an easy path, the process is hard and long… and saying goodbye to everything-”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in me life.”  He answered, “My home is wherever you are girl.  It always has been.  It’s why I was so lost for so long after ya went.  But I found me own way, which I think was important for me… and it just led back to you anyway.  Which is fate.” 

“I thought you were stuck in the same spot for so long.”  Rae agreed.

“I was.  It was Chloe giving me a kick up the arse that got me moving.”  He laughed.

“Bless her.”  Rae remembered Chloe’s email about that; she’d been right. 

“Oh aye.”

“You know, I knew I’d always love you, even though I knew we’d never get back together.”  Rae told him.

“Oh aye?”  Finn teased.

“Oh yes I knew it!”  Rae laughed.

“And here we are.”  Finn noted.

“Here we are.”  She agreed.  But her mind turned to Pierre.  A dull ache in her heart.  She had to have a painful conversation with him now.  But that was ok.  They’d both always known that it might end up like this. 

“Jeff’s gonna skin us alive though!”  Finn was saying, “Losing both of us in one go!” 

“Chlo and Jeff are gonna move to Australia too.”  Rae told him.  “So I don’t think he’ll mind.”

*

Two weeks later Chloe and Jeff were through to the next stage of the process.  They had considerably more money than Rae had, and both of them had decent jobs; Jeff in media and Chloe as a lawyer.  Their lawyer didn’t foresee any problems in the process, and was expecting that they’d be in Australia by 2010. 

Archie was still considering what he wanted to do.

Izzy and Chop had been very happy for them, but had no intentions of ever leaving Stamford.  They were happy and comfortable there.  They had friends and family, careers, a life.  They’d email, maybe skype. 

Miranda and Louis had promised to visit.  Louis had given Rae a sad look; he knew what this meant for his brother.  But he had embraced Rae as a dear friend and congratulated her. 

Rhianna had been uncontactable; she was living off the grid in a lesbian, vegan, hippy commune in Europe somewhere.  Rae sent her an email and got nothing in return.  There were no computers where Rhianna was. 

Packing and organising the move had taken over her life.  Finn was right beside her.  He started his own application, explaining his engagement to Rae and Rae’s lawyer had started the process, advising Finn to go on a work visa first so he could be with Rae in Australia during the long process. 

And Rae had sent Pierre an email asking to see him when he was next in London.

*

“Rachel.”  His smile was genuine and warm and filled with love.

“Pierre.”  Her voice was filled with grief for what she had lost with him.  But also gratitude for what she had been able to share with her wonderful Pierre.

“Oh.”  He instantly knew.

“Isn’t it funny how with both just knew, without the other having to say barely a word.”  Rae said as they sat down at the café table.  She was referring to when Pierre had ended their relationship; how Rae had known what he was about to do before he had said a word. 

“It is because we are in love.”  He said sadly.  “But we both know that the romance stories that you see in movies… they are not real.  Love is not always enough.  And love does not guarantee that you will get to be together.”  He touched her cheek softly.  “Rachel.”  His voice was filled with sorrow. 

“There’s never gonna be a right time for us.”  She told him.

“I was afraid of that.”  He answered, “That is why I pushed myself, and tried to be with you, even though I was nowhere near ready for it.”  Rae reached across the table and took his hand, “I had to.”

“I’ll always be so grateful for the time we did have.”  Rae told him.

“Oh yes Rachel.”  He nodded.  “As will I.”

“There will always be a place in my heart and life for you Pierre.”  Rae said honestly, “You have been one of the true great love stories of my life.”

“And you Rachel, will always be one of the great love stories of my life too.  But sometimes, not even love is meant to be.”  He squeezed her hand, “Do not worry for me Rachel, I am capable of loving someone else, just as you are.  We will both be happy in the end.  This is something I know to be true.  And when I am finally ready, I will find someone to be with, to love as they deserve.”

“You gotta keep writing to me so I hear all about it when it happens.”  Rae answered, tears in her eyes, and he gave her a genuine smile.

“Of course.  Every week.”  He agreed. 

“I will always love you Pierre.”  She told him.

“And I will always love you Rachel.”  He told her, “Would it be wrong of me, to ask for one last kiss?”

“No.”  Her throat clogged with tears but they seemed to stop as he gently stroked her cheeks.

“Be happy my Rachel.  It is all I have ever wanted for you.”  He kissed her lips tenderly.

“You be happy too.”  She whispered and kissed him again.

“I will.  I promise you.”  They stood and hugged.  “Shall we eat, or should we part ways now?”

“Let’s eat.”  Rae answered.  He had given her a whole weekend when he had left.  She could give him a meal. 

When they finally parted ways a few hours later, she kissed him again, but the tears didn’t start again.  They were both happier, they had talked about where their lives were leading and what they wanted for the future, and they both knew that the other was going to be ok. 

“Farewell Rachel.”

“Goodbye Pierre.”

*

Rae dropped her keys on the table by the door and looked around her mostly boxed up apartment.  Only parts of the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and the record collection were left to box. 

She was emotionally wiped out after that lunch with Pierre.  But also she felt peaceful, calm.  She knew she’d made the right decision.  Just like 10 years ago she’d made the right decision to leave Finn behind and go to University.  They could not have become the happy, healthy people they were now had they stayed, stuck in Stamford together.  They had both needed to strike out on their own.  To know love and sex and adventure.  To make mistakes and grow.  To face their fears and conquer them. 

Rae knew without a doubt that this is where she was meant to be.  On the brink of the biggest change in her life.  With Finn right by her side. 

She went into her room and saw Finn standing naked, going through her record collection.  He looked up and gave her a cheeky grin. 

“So this is where me Supertramp record went.”  He showed her the album and gave her a teasing look.

“No that’s mine!”  She retorted, a laugh already working it’s way out of her lips, even as she tried to look serious at his ‘accusation’. 

“Oh aye?  It’s got the bent corner mine had.”  He countered, pointing at the corner, a devilish grin on his face.

“Oh right, cos I never bend the corners on my record sleeves by accident.”  Rae retorted.

“Not if you can help it!”  He laughed, putting the record down he grabbed her.  “Naughty girl!  Stealing my records.”  Rae squealed, knowing that he was about to wrestle her to the ground and that they were about to have very sweaty, very rough sex. 

“It weren’t me!”  She played along happily, planning on getting him down onto the ground first.

They laughed and rolled around and fucked for a long time.  Eventually they lay together naked, sweaty and talking happily about the future.  Finn had been googling Tasmania and had looked at pictures of their apartment.  He was so excited now that Rae could barely contain her own excitement when they were together. 

In a little over 6 weeks she’d be starting her new job in Australia.  In two weeks they had to be packed and ready to go because the shipment container was coming and their flight was heading out the next day. 

And they were both facing it head on, never looking back. 

Together.


End file.
